ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

Op, some people have been harsh with you. I get that this is not something you planned. I get that it's a kick in the head to suddenly be a father, and to be forced to have a long-term relationship with someone (the mother) you did not plan to have.

It's all happened, however. This is your life and it is happening and you have to decide how you will react.

The easy thing to do is just to send the money and act like it *isn't* happening. I can understand the pull to do that. But. That would just be living in denial. It would be a kind of magical thinking, that this isn't real, and that you don't have responsibilities here.

The mature, adult thing to do is to look at this head-on.

There is a real child, a person, who needs to feel loved and accepted by its creators. This is a pretty fundamental need. Feeling abandoned by a parent can lead to all kinds of emotional issues later in life. This person, this child, this other human being, is half-you and is therefore tied to you for life. This person did nothing wrong, made no choices, and is completely innocent.

Rather than asking "how screwed am I," you could ask yourself, "how wonderful will this be for me?" How wonderful for you to grow as a person, to mature, to look life's challenges head-on and accept them. How wonderful for you to have a link with this child, someone to share in love with you, someone to care for and to feel connected to. How wonderful to know that, come whatever "drama" comes from the mother, you can and will be a stable, accepting, and loving presence in a child's life, and offer them unconditional support and caring. You have it in you to do all of this. If you want to.

Or, you could just walk away.

It all comes down to what kind of person you want to be.

Well stated. I also tend to agree with the people who said either decide to be involved, or stay completely out, but don't do it halfway because inconsistency and disappointment will be more damaging. OP---you haven't said how old the child is. Many men don't feel a huge bond until an infant starts becoming more of a person than an eating, sleeping, pooping machine. Have you spent any time at all with the child? Assuming you had two fairly normal, loving parents, my guess is that if you spent some time with the little person that is half you that you WILL fall in love and want to be more of a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What conversation do you want to have with this child 20 years from now:

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: Yes. You cost me a lot of money and were darn inconvenient and created a lot of drama. I wish your mom had just had an abortion or left me out of it.
Kid: (silence, filled with hate of self and of you)

or

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: No! I admit, at first I was surprised when your mom told me about you, and scared--I wasn't sure what it meant to be a father, and I worried I wasn't up to the job. But once I met you, I realized you were the joy of my life. Honey, I love you so much, I am so grateful that you are my child and that I get to know you!
Kid: I love you, dad.

Also, if you plan to someday get married and have more kids, consider that
(1) no kind, empathetic woman will consider being married to you if you have a kid out there that you ignore and
(2) if you have a kid you ignore, any other kids you have later on will think about the fact that their reality would have been far different if they had been born in a way that was inconvenient to you. they will think about their half-sibling and wonder what it really means to you to be a dad

YEP YEP YEP. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The woman should be solely responsible for this child. She CHOSE to have it as the result of a drunken one night stand. There is no redemption for her. She failed at the most important job of motherhood: having a good father for her child.

Ask me how I know.

Signed,
Fatherless child.

Sorry you're bitter / I see you're bringing your own baggage to this, but you've pretty much discounted everything you say with that second to last line. Annnnd either way, nothing you wrote is really relevant to OP's dilemma, because hey there's a kid here now and he's its dad and he has to decide how to handle it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The woman should be solely responsible for this child. She CHOSE to have it as the result of a drunken one night stand. There is no redemption for her. She failed at the most important job of motherhood: having a good father for her child.

Ask me how I know.

Signed,
Fatherless child.

Sorry you're bitter / I see you're bringing your own baggage to this, but you've pretty much discounted everything you say with that second to last line. Annnnd either way, nothing you wrote is really relevant to OP's dilemma, because hey there's a kid here now and he's its dad and he has to decide how to handle it

He shouldn't have to "handle" it at all. Woman made her decision. It should be ALL on her.

I am the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What conversation do you want to have with this child 20 years from now:

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: Yes. You cost me a lot of money and were darn inconvenient and created a lot of drama. I wish your mom had just had an abortion or left me out of it.
Kid: (silence, filled with hate of self and of you)

or

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: No! I admit, at first I was surprised when your mom told me about you, and scared--I wasn't sure what it meant to be a father, and I worried I wasn't up to the job. But once I met you, I realized you were the joy of my life. Honey, I love you so much, I am so grateful that you are my child and that I get to know you!
Kid: I love you, dad.

Also, if you plan to someday get married and have more kids, consider that
(1) no kind, empathetic woman will consider being married to you if you have a kid out there that you ignore and
(2) if you have a kid you ignore, any other kids you have later on will think about the fact that their reality would have been far different if they had been born in a way that was inconvenient to you. they will think about their half-sibling and wonder what it really means to you to be a dad

YEP YEP YEP. This.

Or it should go like this:

Kid: Dad, did you love mom?
Dad: Love her? I didn't even know her name or remember her? It was a drunken night. We mean nothing to each other.



Every kid's dream, I tell you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The woman should be solely responsible for this child. She CHOSE to have it as the result of a drunken one night stand. There is no redemption for her. She failed at the most important job of motherhood: having a good father for her child.

Ask me how I know.

Signed,
Fatherless child.

It's hard to take this as anything other than absurd histrionics when you're basically saying you wish your mother would have aborted you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The woman should be solely responsible for this child. She CHOSE to have it as the result of a drunken one night stand. There is no redemption for her. She failed at the most important job of motherhood: having a good father for her child.

Ask me how I know.

Signed,
Fatherless child.

Sorry you're bitter / I see you're bringing your own baggage to this, but you've pretty much discounted everything you say with that second to last line. Annnnd either way, nothing you wrote is really relevant to OP's dilemma, because hey there's a kid here now and he's its dad and he has to decide how to handle it

He shouldn't have to "handle" it at all. Woman made her decision. It should be ALL on her.

I am the PP.

This is not about the mom and her misdeeds. It's about what the CHILD deserves, and the CHILD didn't have any choice in being born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The woman should be solely responsible for this child. She CHOSE to have it as the result of a drunken one night stand. There is no redemption for her. She failed at the most important job of motherhood: having a good father for her child.

Ask me how I know.

Signed,
Fatherless child.

It's hard to take this as anything other than absurd histrionics when you're basically saying you wish your mother would have aborted you.

I actually know what it's like to go through this process. You have your My Little Pony fantasies about how this is going to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What conversation do you want to have with this child 20 years from now:

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: Yes. You cost me a lot of money and were darn inconvenient and created a lot of drama. I wish your mom had just had an abortion or left me out of it.
Kid: (silence, filled with hate of self and of you)

or

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: No! I admit, at first I was surprised when your mom told me about you, and scared--I wasn't sure what it meant to be a father, and I worried I wasn't up to the job. But once I met you, I realized you were the joy of my life. Honey, I love you so much, I am so grateful that you are my child and that I get to know you!
Kid: I love you, dad.

Also, if you plan to someday get married and have more kids, consider that
(1) no kind, empathetic woman will consider being married to you if you have a kid out there that you ignore and
(2) if you have a kid you ignore, any other kids you have later on will think about the fact that their reality would have been far different if they had been born in a way that was inconvenient to you. they will think about their half-sibling and wonder what it really means to you to be a dad

YEP YEP YEP. This.

Or it should go like this:

Kid: Dad, did you love mom?
Dad: Love her? I didn't even know her name or remember her? It was a drunken night. We mean nothing to each other.



Every kid's dream, I tell you!

Uhh...nope, that would not be the response. If you find yourself in this situation someday and truly need help crafting a proper, appropriate adult response to that question (hint: you acknowledge the unconventionality of the situation without being crass (potentially turning into a teaching moment! Adults are not perfect, we are flawed people too), and refocus on your love for them - how initially you were caught off guard but once you got to spend time with them you realized they were the most amazing blessing, blahblah etc; see previous response), hit me up. But for now, since I assume you're the same "she failed at the most important job of motherhood" poster, I will gently recommend that you seek therapy. It's clear you're harboring a lot of hurt and anger, and a good therapist could help you work through your issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

Yes. Instead, welcome to your crappy life, child.

You people are ridiculous. First he should have been able to dictate that she get an abortion, now she should have carried the child for a completely hypothetical couple? All of that to avoid OP having to take responsibility for his own child. Handmaid's Tale wasn't supposed to be an instruction manual, idiots.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you give more information?

1. Did the mother have your information or a way to contact you to tell you she was pregnant, or did she have to spend time tracking you down?

2. How old is the child now?

3. How is your interaction with her? Do you speak to her? Have you seen her or your child at all, or has it all just been through attorneys? Has she asked you if you want visitation, etc? have you discussed that at all?

4. Have you told your parents they have a grandchild? If so, have they expressed interest in being involved?

[Anonymous]

How old is this child, Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What conversation do you want to have with this child 20 years from now:

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: Yes. You cost me a lot of money and were darn inconvenient and created a lot of drama. I wish your mom had just had an abortion or left me out of it.
Kid: (silence, filled with hate of self and of you)

or

Kid: Dad, do you wish I had never been born?
You: No! I admit, at first I was surprised when your mom told me about you, and scared--I wasn't sure what it meant to be a father, and I worried I wasn't up to the job. But once I met you, I realized you were the joy of my life. Honey, I love you so much, I am so grateful that you are my child and that I get to know you!
Kid: I love you, dad.

Also, if you plan to someday get married and have more kids, consider that
(1) no kind, empathetic woman will consider being married to you if you have a kid out there that you ignore and
(2) if you have a kid you ignore, any other kids you have later on will think about the fact that their reality would have been far different if they had been born in a way that was inconvenient to you. they will think about their half-sibling and wonder what it really means to you to be a dad

My father was briefly married a year or so before he met my mother. The marriage produced a son that I believe he never stayed in touch with. I didn't find out until I was about 12. I want to tell you that I never thought about the fact that my reality "would have been different", I never wondered what it meant to him to be a dad or similar. I think about that half-sibling occasionally and in passing, but I know we were raised very differently and probably would have had nothing in common if we met. In short, no, you are wrong with your (2) there.

[Anonymous]

Well, then you are a very different person from me. If my dad had a son that he "never kept in touch with," I would certainly wonder about that and think less of him.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't willing to step up and be involved in your child's life then honestly you don't deserve to be a father at all and shouldn't have any future children with future partners. I'm so sad for your child. Please get a vasectomy