ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Yeah, not telling you about the kid until after it's born and trying to squeeze extra money from you signals to me that she thinks you're a piggy bank and not a partner.

Sounds like a tough spot to be in, honestly.

I agree, and I really do feel for you OP. I think it is so very selfish that this woman couldn't even be bothered to tell you about your own child and is now using you for support on her whim. I can only imagine what a shock this is, especially if you didn't intend on having a child.

Is she offering anything in terms of custody/visitation? Summers, maybe?

She doesn't get to "offer" custody/visitation, that's something OP has a right to, if he chooses to step up and do it.

Yes, understood. I meant "offering" as in outside of further court proceedings. I assume child support was awarded on the basis of full custody to the mother and thus OP would have to go back to court for a visitation schedule if she's not willing to work with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

100%, especially if he made no effort to even explore the possibility of a relationship with the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

Here to tell you that you WILL regret it. And you cannot just change your mind and decide to walk into your child's life when (s)he's 20 - (s)he will by that point have years of built-up rejection and resentment issues, and you'll regret it. Come on dude, be a man and do the decent thing...it's your CHILD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You didn't plan on becoming a father yet, but you are one. Stop thinking like a single guy who doesn't particularly want to respond to a text from a second date. This is your child you're deciding whether or not to completely ignore. Your child's needs come before your own desire for tranquility. They come before your distaste for the woman you made the child with. You're allowed to feel sad for the future you apparently half-heartedly hoped for with a loving wife and family dinners, but stop prioritizing feeling sorry for yourself over being a decent father. Because remember: you already are a father. The only choice you have left is whether to be a good one or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

100%, especially if he made no effort to even explore the possibility of a relationship with the child.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

I am a 37 year old mother of a 9 year old. From my perspective you will regret it immensely. I can't even imagine the regret. The chaos is worth it. Nothing could stop be from being a part of my child's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

How old are you? Since you married friends with kids I'm going to guess you aren't that young. Time to grow up. Actually it's been time for you to grow up. You have a kid. Do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're being dropped right into the middle of parenthood without warning so I do feel for you. However, the first lesson of parenthood is that you are now responsible for the wellbeing of another human. You need to look at it through that lens first and foremost. The mom sounds like she may well be shady. That is unfortunate but it actually magnifies the necessity of you being in your child's life.

I know a married couple with an analogous situation. DH had one night stand while they were dating. DW married him anyway. The bio mom was shady and has led a chaotic life since the birth of her child. It has been incredibly difficult to for the couple to sit by and watch the child struggle with an endless string of boyfriends and new schools. Eventually the couple persuaded the bio mom to let the child live with them the majority of time. They are providing stability and direction that the child couldn't get from the bio mom. Is this the life that either the DH or DW had planned for? Absolutely not. But they've stepped up to ensure that their child has the best possible life given the unfortunate circumstances the child was born into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

I would reject both. There's no excuse for an oops ONS baby over the age of 20. That tells me he's likely reckless with his sexual health.

You don't get points for doing what you should do ( taking care of your kid) in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

I would reject both. There's no excuse for an oops ONS baby over the age of 20. That tells me he's likely reckless with his sexual health.

You don't get points for doing what you should do ( taking care of your kid) in my book.

Birth control can fail. Would you interview every prospective partner to make sure they'd never had a ONS over the age of 20, child or no?

[Anonymous]

OP how old are you??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This is exactly how I feel. Guy who has a child from a ONS / accidental pregnancy: ok, fine, happens. Guy who has a child he makes zero effort to see, ever, and quite blatantly does not care to know: RED FLAG

I would reject both. There's no excuse for an oops ONS baby over the age of 20. That tells me he's likely reckless with his sexual health.

You don't get points for doing what you should do ( taking care of your kid) in my book.

Birth control can fail. Would you interview every prospective partner to make sure they'd never had a ONS over the age of 20, child or no?

Not as often a people claim it was. More likely OP didn't use a condom, and just assumed she was on the pill and here we are.

I wouldn't date a man with a child. Not interested.