ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further.

There's a kid out there that is half you with your eyes or smile or personality or whatever else. Currently this kid is getting older everyday without you, and will someday wonder why you didn't give a shit about him/her. I don't think he or she will be comforted by the fact that you didn't mean to make a baby. More likely your child will think you are a selfish a-hole. If that thought really doesn't bother you, then maybe you really won't regret it.

Thank you. That helps clarify the issue.

[Anonymous]

You seem overly focused on logistics and cost-benefit analysis of how this affects you. Even your post title is about how screwed you are. I honestly think you should not be a parent. Just send the money.

[Anonymous]

Do you have aspergers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people are thinking that a normal human reaction to biologically producing a child is that you will provide for said child and do what you can so that the kid has the best chance at a decent life given a crappy family situation. For the child's sake, it'd be sort of unimaginably cruel for you to make a unilateral decision that you're not going to even attempt to become emotionally invested.

Do you have a father who was involved in your life, OP?

Yes, my parents were married when they had me and still are. I understand the point you and others are making above regarding doing it for the benefit of the child.

The other post is getting really long but there's a few decisions to be made regarding the level of involvement. Work out visitation with her, do it through the courts? Stay here, move down there? Visit one weekend every other month, once a month or more weekends per month?

The counter-balance to this is some of the advice from my lawyer regarding visitation challenges. He told me that if she wants to fight it that it can be a very time consuming and expensive battle. For example, I mentioned that she lives a few hours from here. He said that if I go down there and she denies visitation the police won't enforce the order so I'd have to go back to court and continue going down there and trying to exercise visitation until I get a hearing date. He said that eventually the judge might do something but not until she denies visitation several times and in the meantime I have an approximately 6 hours round trip on both the times I attempt to exercise visitation and for each of the scheduling hearings and trial dates.

Get a new lawyer. He/She is not supportive of father-child relationships.
Move closer, look for excellent school district.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem overly focused on logistics and cost-benefit analysis of how this affects you. Even your post title is about how screwed you are. I honestly think you should not be a parent. Just send the money.

This. It's jarring. OP if you do get married and have (more) kids someday, you will likely look back at this and be HORRIFIED by your thought process here. You're acting like potentially having to make a fruitless 6 hour drive several times somehow plays into this, whatsoever? It's a CHILD - YOUR child!

[Anonymous]

OP are you an accountant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

The flip side is that it sounds like the mother did not tell OP when she was pregnant and then tracked OP down later after the child was already a toddler, purely for the money. So in essence the courts allow the mom to control not only her body, but his sperm. No wonder OP's reaction is somewhat emotion-less. The fact that he's reaching out on a forum where mostly judgmental women post suggests he has a heart, but doesn't want to be a dupe.

The bottom line is that he has a child who, without his financial and emotional involvement, is unlikely to enjoy the advantages he has experienced. Does that sit well with him or not? That ought to drive his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

The flip side is that it sounds like the mother did not tell OP when she was pregnant and then tracked OP down later after the child was already a toddler, purely for the money. So in essence the courts allow the mom to control not only her body, but his sperm. No wonder OP's reaction is somewhat emotion-less. The fact that he's reaching out on a forum where mostly judgmental women post suggests he has a heart, but doesn't want to be a dupe.

The bottom line is that he has a child who, without his financial and emotional involvement, is unlikely to enjoy the advantages he has experienced. Does that sit well with him or not? That ought to drive his behavior.

Just a clarification, he had complete control of his sperm until he left it inside her vagina. "What would I do if this resulted in an unplanned pregnancy?" is a question that all sexually active adults should be prepared to answer. He is not a victim here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

The flip side is that it sounds like the mother did not tell OP when she was pregnant and then tracked OP down later after the child was already a toddler, purely for the money. So in essence the courts allow the mom to control not only her body, but his sperm. No wonder OP's reaction is somewhat emotion-less. The fact that he's reaching out on a forum where mostly judgmental women post suggests he has a heart, but doesn't want to be a dupe.

The bottom line is that he has a child who, without his financial and emotional involvement, is unlikely to enjoy the advantages he has experienced. Does that sit well with him or not? That ought to drive his behavior.

Just a clarification, he had complete control of his sperm until he left it inside her vagina. "What would I do if this resulted in an unplanned pregnancy?" is a question that all sexually active adults should be prepared to answer. He is not a victim here.

He may not be a victim, but he also had no say whatsoever in whether the pregnancy should terminate or be carried to term. To expect him to warm up immediately now to being a dad when the mom has treated him like a bank account betrays a weak understanding of the male psyche. Men make better fathers when their children are planned or at least the product of a then-stable relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

The flip side is that it sounds like the mother did not tell OP when she was pregnant and then tracked OP down later after the child was already a toddler, purely for the money. So in essence the courts allow the mom to control not only her body, but his sperm. No wonder OP's reaction is somewhat emotion-less. The fact that he's reaching out on a forum where mostly judgmental women post suggests he has a heart, but doesn't want to be a dupe.

The bottom line is that he has a child who, without his financial and emotional involvement, is unlikely to enjoy the advantages he has experienced. Does that sit well with him or not? That ought to drive his behavior.

Just a clarification, he had complete control of his sperm until he left it inside her vagina. "What would I do if this resulted in an unplanned pregnancy?" is a question that all sexually active adults should be prepared to answer. He is not a victim here.

He may not be a victim, but he also had no say whatsoever in whether the pregnancy should terminate or be carried to term. To expect him to warm up immediately now to being a dad when the mom has treated him like a bank account betrays a weak understanding of the male psyche. Men make better fathers when their children are planned or at least the product of a then-stable relationship.

Then they shouldn't have sex outside of stable relationships. Are you saying OP should have been allowed to force this woman into an abortion against her will?

[Anonymous]

The woman also didn't insist that he wear a condom and she might have also lied about being on birth control. Who knows. Regardless of what happened on that night the law explicitly sides with the woman when it comes to pregnancies and the OP has no control or choice in the matter. In my book that gives the woman greater responsibilities with the child than the man in this situation.

Nonetheless, the best thing for the OP is to speak with the child's mother, offer to maintain a relationship with the child, visit twice a month, pay the child support timely and be available for any advice or emergencies. The mother will have a far more say in deciding whether the OP can have a relationship with the child.

[Anonymous]

Contrary to what other posters are saying, I feel a lot more inclined to help OP as a clear-headed and calm person than if he were posting all emotional and upset. What good would that do?

And if you're resentful he hasn't immediately morphed into Mr. Perfect Dad, then I can only laugh at you. There are so many threads on DCUM about fathers not doing their job, even though they were married and their kids were planned, that you cannot apply double standards here.

OP will hopefully develop into an attentive father, you have to give him time to navigate the situation. If he has found this forum and can post here calmly asking all these questions and not react to your nasty assumptions, then he has great potential!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Contrary to what other posters are saying, I feel a lot more inclined to help OP as a clear-headed and calm person than if he were posting all emotional and upset. What good would that do?

And if you're resentful he hasn't immediately morphed into Mr. Perfect Dad, then I can only laugh at you. There are so many threads on DCUM about fathers not doing their job, even though they were married and their kids were planned, that you cannot apply double standards here.

OP will hopefully develop into an attentive father, you have to give him time to navigate the situation. If he has found this forum and can post here calmly asking all these questions and not react to your nasty assumptions, then he has great potential!

OP straight up said if I decide later that I regret missing out on being a father for this kid, can't I just have more kids and get the parenting experience that way? That's way past not morphing into Mr. Perfect, it's sociopathic.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, you PPs are harsh. Consider all of the posts on DCUM about fathers not being interested in their kids, or even mothers fretting over not bonding with their babies. Detachment can happen with parents who planned on having kids and here we have a guy who found out a few months ago that he fathered a child with a woman he barely knew. He's approaching this from a distance because he's been kept at a distance and has had no chance to develop an emotional attachment with this child. I don't think OP lack of emotion about this means he's a sociopath. I think it's quite understandable given the situation.

[Anonymous]

Jesus, you PPs are harsh. Consider all of the posts on DCUM about fathers not being interested in their kids, or even mothers fretting over not bonding with their babies. Detachment can happen with parents who planned on having kids and here we have a guy who found out a few months ago that he fathered a child with a woman he barely knew. He's approaching this from a distance because he's been kept at a distance and has had no chance to develop an emotional attachment with this child. I don't think OP lack of emotion about this means he's a sociopath. I think it's quite understandable given the situation.