Thinking of encouraging a friend to give up custody of her kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The man hasn't been born for whom I'd leave my kids. I.just.can't.bear.the.thought! If he loves her he wouldn't ask that of her and he'd arrange his business so they can be together.

Oh how true! I wouldn't even leave my kids for Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans. They drive me crazy but I would take a bullet for them.

Based on many pics of Chris Hemsworth with his kids.... he wouldn't ask you to!

What?? You mean a parent would be so dedicated to their family that they wouldn't rush to drop them for my sweet, sweet booty?? But I would be his Life Vest and our love would change the world because we are soulmates.

(JK of course. I do squats but I'm still afflicted by White Girl Butt.)

[Anonymous]

OP what kind of farm? Does your friend have any concept of what farm life would be like? Here's a hint....it's back breaking labor and the money is up and down.

[Anonymous]

As a mom, I would never consider giving up custody of my child, especially for a boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go; your children are yours forever.

Unfortunately, once you have children with someone, you lose the freedom to just pick up and move. I think she needs to either keep this guy as a fun long-distance thing that she sees two weekends a month, or she needs to move on. Chances are, there are suitable guys in her area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
The new boyfriend has asked her to marry. He is in agriculture it isn't easy to move a farm.
She would be closer to her family if she moved.
I think it is highly unlikely that her ex would take her up on the offer to keep the kids
Her ex is having fun with the control.
My reasons for suggesting this are because I think she and her kids would be better off.
She dated her ex since early college and has had no other serious boyfriend before this new one.
I think that what could happen, is that by the time her youngest is 18, she will not have as many choices of suitable men, and could be lonely forever. Why? Because of this controlling fool she married.

Good God woman. I'm really starting to think that this is not for a friend, but it's you trying to make us tell you it's ok to leave your kids behind for a man. Maybe you should if you'll feel like they held you back from "true love" your whole life. You are a shitty mother and human being,. but go ahead merry the man of your dreams.

[Anonymous]

She is not escaping her kids, but the ex.

[Anonymous]

I hope someone encourages your friend to cut ties with you. You're a terrible/brainless friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Terrible suggestion. No proper mother marries and moves on if she leaves her kids behind.

These situations are complicated and she needs to be the one to work it out with her ex.

Do you have children, OP? Your attitude seems unimaginable for someone with kids.

Do proper fathers walk out then care for about 2-3 hours a week, then control the mother's life so much that she can't have anyone else's love?

No, they don't. And you are suggesting LEAVING THE KIDS IN THE SOLE CUSTODY OF THAT PERSON. Please tell me you are not this stupid - that it's just an act.

[Anonymous]

Are you out of your ever-loving mind, OP?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to sort this out in court. How far is the farm from here?

You have to fly. They met on a vacation. New BF was close to her all winter, flying in every week renting a room in a house. He can't leave his work for any extended time.
Agree that court would make the most sense. Just more expensive. Ex would look bad in court. He is one of those types who speaks slowly and quietly to force everyone to stop what they are doing to listen to him. He has spent little time with the kids. They don't have many belongings at his house.
I feel like this is a case where my friend needs to put on her life vest before putting one on the kids.

Something doesn't smell right. I grew up on a farm, my brothers still farm. They rarely, rarely go on vacations and when they do, it's rarely places they'd meet single women. And, if they did meet a woman on vacation they were interested in dating, they certainly couldn't afford to fly out every week - they couldn't afford it financially or timewise. Farming isn't just a full time job, it's also a lifestyle.

And, your comment about putting on her life vest first? WTF! You clearly don't understand the metaphor. A new relationship is nice to have, not a necessity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
The new boyfriend has asked her to marry. He is in agriculture it isn't easy to move a farm.
She would be closer to her family if she moved.
I think it is highly unlikely that her ex would take her up on the offer to keep the kids
Her ex is having fun with the control.
My reasons for suggesting this are because I think she and her kids would be better off.
She dated her ex since early college and has had no other serious boyfriend before this new one.
I think that what could happen, is that by the time her youngest is 18, she will not have as many choices of suitable men, and could be lonely forever. Why? Because of this controlling fool she married.

Good God woman. I'm really starting to think that this is not for a friend, but it's you trying to make us tell you it's ok to leave your kids behind for a man. Maybe you should if you'll feel like they held you back from "true love" your whole life. You are a shitty mother and human being,. but go ahead merry the man of your dreams.

Yeah, agree that this is someone asking "for a friend".

OP, if you ditch your kids for your new guy, the kids will remember for the rest of their lives. FYI.

Get counseling and figure out how to set boundaries around your ex without screwing over your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Terrible suggestion. No proper mother marries and moves on if she leaves her kids behind.

These situations are complicated and she needs to be the one to work it out with her ex.

Do you have children, OP? Your attitude seems unimaginable for someone with kids.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The man hasn't been born for whom I'd leave my kids. I.just.can't.bear.the.thought! If he loves her he wouldn't ask that of her and he'd arrange his business so they can be together.

Oh how true! I wouldn't even leave my kids for Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans. They drive me crazy but I would take a bullet for them.

I wouldn't leave my children for Jason Momoa or Denzel Washington. Any man worth loving would end things the moment a mother suggested dumping the kids to move in with him. Can you even imagine?!! I certainly wouldn't date a man who has children and spends no time with them, no matter what story he shared about the inevitably "crazy" mother.

What about Idris?

[Anonymous]

I think you are the "friend" in your scenario and you are looking for validation for this decision you so clearly want to make.

You should do it. Give those boys some sanity and stability.

[Anonymous]

What the F&%&??? NO!

First of all, I am actually in a situation like this right now. I am the ex-wife with custody of kids, with a controlling and abusive ex. He didn't take a lot of interest, then decided to sue me for full custody three full years after divorce was settled and over. I am dating a man out of state who has a job tied to where he lives. I have been told EXPLICITLY by my attorney that if I tried to move now (and our recent custody case has been over for three years and I have retained custody), I would most likely lose custody of my children since a judge would see it as not in my children's best interest to move them out of state. Even if it is good for me, even if the place we would move has more to offer the kids, even if I flew them back to my ex for every visitation. (I am the one with money, btw, so I could fight it or arrange it so I would pay for the travel for kids).

Bottomline: no way in HELL I would ever risk losing custody or having some sort of "token" 3-4 visitations. That is insane. They are my children, my flesh and blood.

My BF is looking for jobs here but will be a significant uphill battle and a huge change for him. But we are BOTH agreed that as unfair as it is, I cannot jeopardize my custody. He understands and we are working through it. And we both know if there is a hard "choice" to be made, it will be for us to break up rather than in any way affect my parenting agreement or my children's lives by uprooting them, leaving them behind, or abandoning them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a boyfriend. So, she should tell new boyfriend, that she is sorry, she will have to wait until the youngest is 18?

YES...

Single Mom here, I've told every single boyfriend this. I'm stuck here. That's my lot in life. We make it work.