Thinking of encouraging a friend to give up custody of her kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was offended initially as I imagined a friend suggesting this to me. I did, however, do something similar to my own ex when he verbally agreed to allow our child to come overseas for me (my work requires it) for 2 years. He used it as leverage to control me for months until I finally called his bluff and said that I thought we should strongly consider having DC remain here with him and I could just visit. It was total BS on my part, as I would have just pulled my assignment, but he called to arrange a time to sign for the passport two days later. Since he didn't want me to move on, I knew that the last thing he wanted was for me to be fancy free in a new country to date. OP might have a point, to call his bluff. But really, I think her friend has bigger issues if her fiance is unwilling to move. I wouldn't consider moving DC away forever.

This is very interesting. My SIL did the same with my BIL (DH's husband). He is abusive and kept her a virtually paralysed because of their daughter (our niece), until SIL told him to raise the daughter alone and left the house. Now, she is free with her daughter (seperated permanently but not divorced). Neither my BIL nor my ILs are in any position to take care of a child.

I think the OPs friend can start with having the ex take care of the kids at least 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The man hasn't been born for whom I'd leave my kids. I.just.can't.bear.the.thought! If he loves her he wouldn't ask that of her and he'd arrange his business so they can be together.

Oh how true! I wouldn't even leave my kids for Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans. They drive me crazy but I would take a bullet for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Terrible suggestion. No proper mother marries and moves on if she leaves her kids behind.

These situations are complicated and she needs to be the one to work it out with her ex.

Do you have children, OP? Your attitude seems unimaginable for someone with kids.

Do proper fathers walk out then care for about 2-3 hours a week, then control the mother's life so much that she can't have anyone else's love?

No - and this is the dad these poor kids are stuck with. So she should leave them with him?!?! WTF?? How do you think that would impact them? They need their mom!!

[Anonymous]

What??? No do not suggest this to your friend if you want to remain friends. You don't gamble with your kids' lives for a man.

[Anonymous]

Not all women are that thirsty for a man. Be her friend and support whatever decision she makes. Do not tell her what to do. She's the one who has to live w her decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are crazy. I am a single mom and I'd love to find love again. But if it impacted by kids's lives negatively by even 1%, I'd be like BUH-BYE. Easiest decision ever.

Not even a thought!

There are other men out there, but nothing so precious as the two people I made. There's no way in the world this would cross my mind for a friend either, unless she was full-on abusive (to CPS levels) and the dad was a total supporter/protector of the children. Clicking this thread open, that's exactly what I thought the scenario would be. Instead, the children are portrayed as nothing more than an inconvenience to your friend's romance with a guy she's not even seeing seriously?

You are completely off your rocker. This isn't friendship a la "I just want my friend to be happy." This is insanity.

Yes, you tell your friend to either lawyer up and prep for a fight to move with her children or encourage her to start dating other men. She has plenty of documentation of his disregard for the children (no visitation/involvement) and the history of simple bitterness (smug about moving on first). It is in the children's best interest to stay with their mother (and away from their mother's "friend," OP). A judge will see that. A mean-spirited threat by an ex-husband isn't a court ruling.

Okay, you now MUST see how off track you are, right? Now, go help your friend find an affordable lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The man hasn't been born for whom I'd leave my kids. I.just.can't.bear.the.thought! If he loves her he wouldn't ask that of her and he'd arrange his business so they can be together.

Oh how true! I wouldn't even leave my kids for Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans. They drive me crazy but I would take a bullet for them.

I wouldn't leave my children for Jason Momoa or Denzel Washington. Any man worth loving would end things the moment a mother suggested dumping the kids to move in with him. Can you even imagine?!! I certainly wouldn't date a man who has children and spends no time with them, no matter what story he shared about the inevitably "crazy" mother.

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend is not a fiance, nor a husband, nor her sons. What on earth are you thinking that she should move for a boyfriend??? And play games like she is in high school with her ex, but with her kid's lives???

[Anonymous]

She has children!!! Theses aren't dogs that they're fighting over. She needs to get over the boyfriend. She chose to have children and this is one of the life choices that changes your entire life forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has been divorced for 4 years and her ex has shared custody. He is remarried with a new baby.
He was a jerk, and gloated when he was the first to remarry.
She struggled with the two boys when they were toddlers. Even though he had joint custody, he never saw the kids, and put his romantic life first. The boys are now 6 and 7.
She met someone (great guy) who lives in a different state and has a business, so he can't move to be with her. Her ex said that he would enforce the agreement and make her stay in the state with his two sons.
I really want the best for her since she has put up with so much, dating was hard with the kids plus she worked non stop. I am thinking she should stick it to the ex and tell him that she is giving up custody to leave the state and remarry.
Two things could happen. The new wife of the ex will likely balk and refuse to have the boys full time. Then ex will come around. Other possibility, ex takes the kids, and she sees them 2-4 times a year., maybe summers. Either way, she can marry and move on.
Has anyone seen this work? Is it a poor suggestion?

You are either a troll or an idiot or more likely both!

[Anonymous]

OP here.
The new boyfriend has asked her to marry. He is in agriculture it isn't easy to move a farm.
She would be closer to her family if she moved.
I think it is highly unlikely that her ex would take her up on the offer to keep the kids
Her ex is having fun with the control.
My reasons for suggesting this are because I think she and her kids would be better off.
She dated her ex since early college and has had no other serious boyfriend before this new one.
I think that what could happen, is that by the time her youngest is 18, she will not have as many choices of suitable men, and could be lonely forever. Why? Because of this controlling fool she married.

[Anonymous]

She needs to sort this out in court. How far is the farm from here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The man hasn't been born for whom I'd leave my kids. I.just.can't.bear.the.thought! If he loves her he wouldn't ask that of her and he'd arrange his business so they can be together.

Oh how true! I wouldn't even leave my kids for Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans. They drive me crazy but I would take a bullet for them.

I wouldn't leave my children for Jason Momoa or Denzel Washington. Any man worth loving would end things the moment a mother suggested dumping the kids to move in with him. Can you even imagine?!! I certainly wouldn't date a man who has children and spends no time with them, no matter what story he shared about the inevitably "crazy" mother.

Thanks for bringing diversity to the hot guy conversation. All I could think of was the Chrises because I was looking at my son's Avengers comforter.

And news flash OP. You can be happy alone! Even without a man! It's like you are a worthy whole person on your own. Imagine that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
The new boyfriend has asked her to marry. He is in agriculture it isn't easy to move a farm.
She would be closer to her family if she moved.
I think it is highly unlikely that her ex would take her up on the offer to keep the kids
Her ex is having fun with the control.
My reasons for suggesting this are because I think she and her kids would be better off.
She dated her ex since early college and has had no other serious boyfriend before this new one.
I think that what could happen, is that by the time her youngest is 18, she will not have as many choices of suitable men, and could be lonely forever. Why? Because of this controlling fool she married.

None of that matters.

What matters is that she cannot leave her children with an unfit caregiver so that she can chase a man.

I am usually one of the biggest proponents of divorced women prioritizing their own mental health and happiness and think that if they find a new partner, they should get married and live happily ever after, but what you are describing is absolutely crazy.

The appropriate way to handle this is that if she wants to move to the area where this man lives, she needs to petition for a custody modification. Most custody agreements have a section that at least refers to how relocation will be handled. She should refer to that section, hire a good lawyer, and come up with a plan. It won't be a fun plan. She will likely have to pay a lot to facilitate her kids visiting their father regularly. She will probably have to give up holidays and summer vacation. She may lose in the end and things will be WORSE. But what YOU are describing - that she threaten to give up custody and run away with a man - amounts to a game of chicken in which she stands a very real chance of leaving her children with someone who is described as a "controlling fool."

You need to stop giving this woman advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to sort this out in court. How far is the farm from here?

You have to fly. They met on a vacation. New BF was close to her all winter, flying in every week renting a room in a house. He can't leave his work for any extended time.
Agree that court would make the most sense. Just more expensive. Ex would look bad in court. He is one of those types who speaks slowly and quietly to force everyone to stop what they are doing to listen to him. He has spent little time with the kids. They don't have many belongings at his house.
I feel like this is a case where my friend needs to put on her life vest before putting one on the kids.