Thinking of encouraging a friend to give up custody of her kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
The new boyfriend has asked her to marry. He is in agriculture it isn't easy to move a farm.
She would be closer to her family if she moved.
I think it is highly unlikely that her ex would take her up on the offer to keep the kids
Her ex is having fun with the control.
My reasons for suggesting this are because I think she and her kids would be better off.
She dated her ex since early college and has had no other serious boyfriend before this new one.
I think that what could happen, is that by the time her youngest is 18, she will not have as many choices of suitable men, and could be lonely forever. Why? Because of this controlling fool she married.

None of that matters.

What matters is that she cannot leave her children with an unfit caregiver so that she can chase a man.

I am usually one of the biggest proponents of divorced women prioritizing their own mental health and happiness and think that if they find a new partner, they should get married and live happily ever after, but what you are describing is absolutely crazy.

The appropriate way to handle this is that if she wants to move to the area where this man lives, she needs to petition for a custody modification. Most custody agreements have a section that at least refers to how relocation will be handled. She should refer to that section, hire a good lawyer, and come up with a plan. It won't be a fun plan. She will likely have to pay a lot to facilitate her kids visiting their father regularly. She will probably have to give up holidays and summer vacation. She may lose in the end and things will be WORSE. But what YOU are describing - that she threaten to give up custody and run away with a man - amounts to a game of chicken in which she stands a very real chance of leaving her children with someone who is described as a "controlling fool."

You need to stop giving this woman advice.

I haven't given advice yet. At the end of it all, I hope she lets her her ex know that regardless of a court outcome, she will marry the new BF, and live with him. Why are people assuming that ex would be a bad father if the work ramped up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
The new boyfriend has asked her to marry. He is in agriculture it isn't easy to move a farm.
She would be closer to her family if she moved.
I think it is highly unlikely that her ex would take her up on the offer to keep the kids
Her ex is having fun with the control.
My reasons for suggesting this are because I think she and her kids would be better off.
She dated her ex since early college and has had no other serious boyfriend before this new one.
I think that what could happen, is that by the time her youngest is 18, she will not have as many choices of suitable men, and could be lonely forever. Why? Because of this controlling fool she married.

None of that matters.

What matters is that she cannot leave her children with an unfit caregiver so that she can chase a man.

I am usually one of the biggest proponents of divorced women prioritizing their own mental health and happiness and think that if they find a new partner, they should get married and live happily ever after, but what you are describing is absolutely crazy.

The appropriate way to handle this is that if she wants to move to the area where this man lives, she needs to petition for a custody modification. Most custody agreements have a section that at least refers to how relocation will be handled. She should refer to that section, hire a good lawyer, and come up with a plan. It won't be a fun plan. She will likely have to pay a lot to facilitate her kids visiting their father regularly. She will probably have to give up holidays and summer vacation. She may lose in the end and things will be WORSE. But what YOU are describing - that she threaten to give up custody and run away with a man - amounts to a game of chicken in which she stands a very real chance of leaving her children with someone who is described as a "controlling fool."

You need to stop giving this woman advice.

I haven't given advice yet. At the end of it all, I hope she lets her her ex know that regardless of a court outcome, she will marry the new BF, and live with him. Why are people assuming that ex would be a bad father if the work ramped up.

If the ex is a good father, then it's irresponsible of the mother to remove children from a joint custody situation so that she can pursue what I assume is an online romance with a farmer. Do not give ANY advice. This is not your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to sort this out in court. How far is the farm from here?

You have to fly. They met on a vacation. New BF was close to her all winter, flying in every week renting a room in a house. He can't leave his work for any extended time.
Agree that court would make the most sense. Just more expensive. Ex would look bad in court. He is one of those types who speaks slowly and quietly to force everyone to stop what they are doing to listen to him. He has spent little time with the kids. They don't have many belongings at his house.
I feel like this is a case where my friend needs to put on her life vest before putting one on the kids.

So you are saying that the farmer is her life vest? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The man hasn't been born for whom I'd leave my kids. I.just.can't.bear.the.thought! If he loves her he wouldn't ask that of her and he'd arrange his business so they can be together.

Oh how true! I wouldn't even leave my kids for Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans. They drive me crazy but I would take a bullet for them.

Based on many pics of Chris Hemsworth with his kids.... he wouldn't ask you to!

[Anonymous]

OP there is a difference between threatening to give up custody and actually doing it. Like someone pointed out, this is a tactic that makes sense for women to employ in certain situations-- with no actual intention of giving up kids. You didn't frame it that way though.

There is some irony here with people who have never been in a custody battle calling out the OP for not having kids. I'm the one who said I'd say bye to a relationship that would negatively impact my kids, but on the other hand taking it to the level of 'I wouldn't date until the kid is 18' is misogynistic bullshit.

[Anonymous]

If the noncustodial parent is not involved she can sue for permission to relocate. I did, and despite it being fought it was granted.

[Anonymous]

You obviously don't have kids. Don't give any advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
The new boyfriend has asked her to marry. He is in agriculture it isn't easy to move a farm.
She would be closer to her family if she moved.
I think it is highly unlikely that her ex would take her up on the offer to keep the kids
Her ex is having fun with the control.
My reasons for suggesting this are because I think she and her kids would be better off.
She dated her ex since early college and has had no other serious boyfriend before this new one.
I think that what could happen, is that by the time her youngest is 18, she will not have as many choices of suitable men, and could be lonely forever. Why? Because of this controlling fool she married.

1) I get it as a tactic. OP, can you be clear with us, are you suggesting it as a tactic, so your friend AND HER KIDS can end up with her BF on the farm, and if her bluff fails, she stays here with the kids, or are you suggesting that she leave her kids to find happiness?

2) I have a friend in this situation and she flys out and back when her ex has the kids, and is having a wonderful time. All the fun of dating, and none of the responsibility of actually living with someone.

3) Don't subscribe to our youth-culture hype that only the young can find love, and that she'll miss her chance. My mom and dad split up when I was 8. She didn't date. She started dating one man when I was 16 or 17 after asking me how I felt about it, and married him when I was 18. She was 59, OP. He died in 2011 and a couple years ago, when she was 89, the most handsome, sweet man, asked her to marry him. She lamented that he was worth millions and millions of dollars, but she saw him only as a friend and would only marry for love. It was a great lesson for my DDs, that Grandma would only marry for love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
The new boyfriend has asked her to marry. He is in agriculture it isn't easy to move a farm.
She would be closer to her family if she moved.
I think it is highly unlikely that her ex would take her up on the offer to keep the kids
Her ex is having fun with the control.
My reasons for suggesting this are because I think she and her kids would be better off.
She dated her ex since early college and has had no other serious boyfriend before this new one.
I think that what could happen, is that by the time her youngest is 18, she will not have as many choices of suitable men, and could be lonely forever. Why? Because of this controlling fool she married.

1) I get it as a tactic. OP, can you be clear with us, are you suggesting it as a tactic, so your friend AND HER KIDS can end up with her BF on the farm, and if her bluff fails, she stays here with the kids, or are you suggesting that she leave her kids to find happiness?

2) I have a friend in this situation and she flys out and back when her ex has the kids, and is having a wonderful time. All the fun of dating, and none of the responsibility of actually living with someone.

3) Don't subscribe to our youth-culture hype that only the young can find love, and that she'll miss her chance. My mom and dad split up when I was 8. She didn't date. She started dating one man when I was 16 or 17 after asking me how I felt about it, and married him when I was 18. She was 59, OP. He died in 2011 and a couple years ago, when she was 89, the most handsome, sweet man, asked her to marry him. She lamented that he was worth millions and millions of dollars, but she saw him only as a friend and would only marry for love. It was a great lesson for my DDs, that Grandma would only marry for love.

Your mother's situation is rare.
Ex never has the kids for long enough for her to fly out. He always has an excuse.

[Anonymous]

The judge will not look favorably on a parent who declares a willingness to move away and leave their kids behind with the other parent. If your friend tells her ex this, he will use it against her in court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The judge will not look favorably on a parent who declares a willingness to move away and leave their kids behind with the other parent. If your friend tells her ex this, he will use it against her in court.

Agree. That is a risk, she would have to be careful about that.
Do the judges look favorably on parents who have been with their kids 10% of their lives, with shared custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The judge will not look favorably on a parent who declares a willingness to move away and leave their kids behind with the other parent. If your friend tells her ex this, he will use it against her in court.

+1 This is idiotic advice unless the mother is actually ok with losing custody of her kids. If OP is truly a friend, she will encourage the mother to speak with a lawyer instead of giving this batshit "advice."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The judge will not look favorably on a parent who declares a willingness to move away and leave their kids behind with the other parent. If your friend tells her ex this, he will use it against her in court.

Agree. That is a risk, she would have to be careful about that.
Do the judges look favorably on parents who have been with their kids 10% of their lives, with shared custody?

OP you are off your rocker. You asked "Has anyone seen this work? Is it a poor suggestion?" and everyone is telling you that it will not work and it's a terrible idea. Stop trying to defend it. Just go away if you can't handle disagreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a boyfriend. So, she should tell new boyfriend, that she is sorry, she will have to wait until the youngest is 18?

Yes. Without a doubt. Why would she give up her kids to a bad father?

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand, OP, is why you don't consider the kids needing to be where they are (in proximity to their other parent - experts agree that relationships with both parents are important for children unless one parent is abusive) to be at least as much of a barrier to this relationship as the boyfriend's farm.