Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

Wow. I'm straight, straighter-than straight. But I'm an atheist, so I bet you feel the same way about me. And if you ever told me all of that I would never be friends with you again. I just can't have someone whose religious beliefs are so incredibly different from mine that they GRIEVE for me and worry about my immortal soul (that I don't believe in) and worry about my deathbed. So I would be glad you told me all of that - so I could decide not to continue the friendship. Must be so hard for you to worry about all the people who are wrong that you know.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I think deep down I would've had a reaction like yours. I would be disappointed in the cheating far more than in the homosexuality. But still the homosexuality would be hard for me to face. I would be overwhelmed and confused because I understand that being gay is not a choice. I understand that I would never want a loved one to live a lie. But I would be scared for my brother and family given the conservative culture and religion we are part of.

But I also know now several gay and transgender people in the community, and people have learned to come at difference and the unknown from a place of love and openness. It's not easy. It's just the way it has to be.

If I were you, despite the feelings you described, I would have been so honored that my brother had opened up to me. So honored that he wanted me to meet his boyfriend. I would never have declined.

When people reach out to you, there are only so many times you can turn them down and turn them away before they shut down. You are causing him so much pain by rejecting him like you have. When that pain becomes too painful, he will start building walls to protect himself. Do not take this risk. Do not risk being cut off from him. That pain will be FAR worse than grappling with his homosexuality.

This is something you need to come to terms with. It is not something you can change or control. It is something you must accept. Please lead by example before it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

Wow. I'm straight, straighter-than straight. But I'm an atheist, so I bet you feel the same way about me. And if you ever told me all of that I would never be friends with you again. I just can't have someone whose religious beliefs are so incredibly different from mine that they GRIEVE for me and worry about my immortal soul (that I don't believe in) and worry about my deathbed. So I would be glad you told me all of that - so I could decide not to continue the friendship. Must be so hard for you to worry about all the people who are wrong that you know.

It's easier to have a change of heart from atheism. It can happen in a millisecond . Not as dangerous.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say something. Every single person that believes in God, is not necessarily the true reflection of what God intends for us in our relationships with Him. Every Christian doesn't practice, every religious person isn't the end-all be all. Please keep that in mind when you guys are responding to multiple posters.

There are many levels and types of parents, teachers, and those who believe in God. Turning this into an argument about whether the belief is well founded is different from how someone who believes would cope with a contradiction in their moral compass. Period. The conversation should really stay on topic for OP.

[Anonymous]

Your children might be gay too. I guess you will also reject them. Your brother deserves a better sister than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say something. Every single person that believes in God, is not necessarily the true reflection of what God intends for us in our relationships with Him. Every Christian doesn't practice, every religious person isn't the end-all be all. Please keep that in mind when you guys are responding to multiple posters.

There are many levels and types of parents, teachers, and those who believe in God. Turning this into an argument about whether the belief is well founded is different from how someone who believes would cope with a contradiction in their moral compass. Period. The conversation should really stay on topic for OP.

The issue is OP's moral compass, which seems to point toward "live the way I expect you to live" rather than "I love you because you're my brother."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the only question that matters:

Would you like to continue to have a relationship with your brother, or not?

+2. OP, people have given you lots of criticism for how you're dealing with this and I don't disagree. But I won't pile on because I don't think that will help. I do think it will help you to consider what you're doing to your brother by refusing to contact him now. Think hard about whether you want to sever your relationship with him. And if you don't, get in touch with your brother now. You don't have to have it all figured out, you don't have to be over your grief, but you do have to tell your brother that you love him and will be in his life no matter what. If you can't do that now, you run the risk of losing him forever.

[Anonymous]

Can't see why this is a big deal, and kind of sad that you would be in a "tailspin" because of it. I can think of so many other things WORSE than being gay.....like being an asshole for instance.

GAY=NO BIG DEAL

[Anonymous]

I am not Christian or even religious. I don't need to go to church to be depressed and astounded by such a radical change in what my brother has always presented himself to be.

He has spent a lifetime lying to me and our family. He wasted years of his ex-girlfriend's life and then cheated on her with a man. He is having a form of sex that I find repugnant and that is very high risk. There is not a lot to celebrate here.

And my parents are going to be devastated. Whether or not people here think my parents are justified in that feeling, that is the impact this will have on my elderly parents. He wants to just drop his boyfriend on us and have us all be one happy family and I just don't know how that will happen any time soon. People need time regardless of the politics that are popular nowadays.

I am an RN and I know that gays suffer from a lot of needless diseases that are a consequence of a profligate lifestyle. They have far more partners, high risk sexual practices, and the monogamy rate is very low. To accept my brother being part of that community is hard.

To those who asked if I want him in my life, I don't know any more. There is a lot that comes with him now, including a homosexual partner that will model a lifestyle that I don't want my kids looking up to. How can I say it's okay for Uncle ____, but not expect them to see it as an option?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not Christian or even religious. I don't need to go to church to be depressed and astounded by such a radical change in what my brother has always presented himself to be.

He has spent a lifetime lying to me and our family. He wasted years of his ex-girlfriend's life and then cheated on her with a man. He is having a form of sex that I find repugnant and that is very high risk. There is not a lot to celebrate here.

And my parents are going to be devastated. Whether or not people here think my parents are justified in that feeling, that is the impact this will have on my elderly parents. He wants to just drop his boyfriend on us and have us all be one happy family and I just don't know how that will happen any time soon. People need time regardless of the politics that are popular nowadays.

I am an RN and I know that gays suffer from a lot of needless diseases that are a consequence of a profligate lifestyle. They have far more partners, high risk sexual practices, and the monogamy rate is very low. To accept my brother being part of that community is hard.

To those who asked if I want him in my life, I don't know any more. There is a lot that comes with him now, including a homosexual partner that will model a lifestyle that I don't want my kids looking up to. How can I say it's okay for Uncle ____, but not expect them to see it as an option?

So you'd prefer it that if your child were gay, that they just kept it a secret from you and pretended to be heterosexual their entire lives in order to spare you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not Christian or even religious. I don't need to go to church to be depressed and astounded by such a radical change in what my brother has always presented himself to be.

He has spent a lifetime lying to me and our family. He wasted years of his ex-girlfriend's life and then cheated on her with a man. He is having a form of sex that I find repugnant and that is very high risk. There is not a lot to celebrate here.

And my parents are going to be devastated. Whether or not people here think my parents are justified in that feeling, that is the impact this will have on my elderly parents. He wants to just drop his boyfriend on us and have us all be one happy family and I just don't know how that will happen any time soon. People need time regardless of the politics that are popular nowadays.

I am an RN and I know that gays suffer from a lot of needless diseases that are a consequence of a profligate lifestyle. They have far more partners, high risk sexual practices, and the monogamy rate is very low. To accept my brother being part of that community is hard.

To those who asked if I want him in my life, I don't know any more. There is a lot that comes with him now, including a homosexual partner that will model a lifestyle that I don't want my kids looking up to. How can I say it's okay for Uncle ____, but not expect them to see it as an option?

OP, while I understand the aversion to gay sex (it would bother me too if it were my brother or son), I do think it's a learned thing based on what we've been taught as "normal." Why do we think it's okay for us or our daughters etc to be penetrated by a penis? I'm sorry if that is too explicit, but I'm hoping that by breaking down what's bothering you, I hope that you will be better able to handle the issue.

I think the dishonesty is a problem. But he's trying to be open with you now. You need to be open with him but also accepting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not Christian or even religious. I don't need to go to church to be depressed and astounded by such a radical change in what my brother has always presented himself to be.

He has spent a lifetime lying to me and our family. He wasted years of his ex-girlfriend's life and then cheated on her with a man. He is having a form of sex that I find repugnant and that is very high risk. There is not a lot to celebrate here.

And my parents are going to be devastated. Whether or not people here think my parents are justified in that feeling, that is the impact this will have on my elderly parents. He wants to just drop his boyfriend on us and have us all be one happy family and I just don't know how that will happen any time soon. People need time regardless of the politics that are popular nowadays.

I am an RN and I know that gays suffer from a lot of needless diseases that are a consequence of a profligate lifestyle. They have far more partners, high risk sexual practices, and the monogamy rate is very low. To accept my brother being part of that community is hard.

To those who asked if I want him in my life, I don't know any more. There is a lot that comes with him now, including a homosexual partner that will model a lifestyle that I don't want my kids looking up to. How can I say it's okay for Uncle ____, but not expect them to see it as an option?

OK.. so you view it as an option.

Ultimately, OP, you have no say in how your kids will live their lives. You will show them though that if they don't live up to your expectations they may not be welcome in your life.

[Anonymous]

Your children may choose a sex life you don't approve of even if they aren't gay. They may choose a life you don't approve of.

What will you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not Christian or even religious. I don't need to go to church to be depressed and astounded by such a radical change in what my brother has always presented himself to be.

He has spent a lifetime lying to me and our family. He wasted years of his ex-girlfriend's life and then cheated on her with a man. He is having a form of sex that I find repugnant and that is very high risk. There is not a lot to celebrate here.

And my parents are going to be devastated. Whether or not people here think my parents are justified in that feeling, that is the impact this will have on my elderly parents. He wants to just drop his boyfriend on us and have us all be one happy family and I just don't know how that will happen any time soon. People need time regardless of the politics that are popular nowadays.

I am an RN and I know that gays suffer from a lot of needless diseases that are a consequence of a profligate lifestyle. They have far more partners, high risk sexual practices, and the monogamy rate is very low. To accept my brother being part of that community is hard.

To those who asked if I want him in my life, I don't know any more. There is a lot that comes with him now, including a homosexual partner that will model a lifestyle that I don't want my kids looking up to. How can I say it's okay for Uncle ____, but not expect them to see it as an option?

What a weird coincidence. I'm a gay man who recently came out a long struggle (what with societal and familial condemnation and the fact that courts were still debating my sexuality should be punishable by law till about five minutes ago.) Anyway, I finally came out to my sister who for all these years led me to believe she wasn't a complete jerk but it turns out she is. How can I accept her when she's been living this charade of caring for me based on our bonds of affection rather than what I get up to after dark?

Ps. Go to pflag.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew your brother so I could give him a hug.