Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

Are your children male

[Anonymous]

OP- are you mad at him for lying? Would you be upset if it had been a married woman he hid from you for two years?
He's the same either he's always been
Why are you thinking about him having sex?? Who does that. Never done that with my sister and we are both straight women
You seem to be upset for you losing the idea/image/plan for him. And on top of that being upset on BEHALF of your parents.
Sleepover comment...just yuck. Gay isn't catching!

So decide if you love your brother or the idea of your brother. Life isn't a John Hughes movie.

[Anonymous]

First of all, what might have happened with my kids is important. I don't think it's appropriate for my brother to have introduced homosexuality to my kids before I had a chance to talk to them and before he told me. I do not know if this is what happened, but unless he shut the boyfriend away whenever my kids were over, how could they not have met him?

Second, the poster with the lesbian sister gets it. A lot has changed with this revelation. Clearly, we were not that close and he did not trust me as much as I did him. I had no secrets from him. I also have fears for him. The higher rate of STDs, the tougher road he has.

Third, he wants my help in coming out to our parents and I feel as if I am going to collapse at the thought. This is a visceral reaction I cannot help. He is turning my life upside down with his requests. This will tear my parents apart. And yes, maybe he is being himself and it is not his fault, but we didn't ask for this either.

I don't believe I am as crazy as some are suggesting. I know there are others out there who get my grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I have always been very close. I grew up admiring and looking up to him, and he admired me too. He was the fun jock, I was the smart, popular little sis. Together, we were a dynamic duo.

Fast forward. We are now adults. Both successful and happy. Still very close. I am married with three children. He is still single ... or at least I thought he was. A couple or years ago, he broke up with his long time girlfriend. I had never felt they were right for each other and he always kind of held her at arm's length. Well, I was under the impression he had been dating women since the break up, but just hadn't found the right one.

Two months ago, he came out to me. It was all very sudden. He invited me to dinner and told me he had something to tell me. And then he just laid it on me. He said that the reason he broke up with his girlfriend is because he met a man and that he has been with that man ever since. I asked him if this is just a phase and he said he thinks he is gay. As the conversation progressed, he actually said the guy was waiting at a nearby bar in the hopes of coming over to the restaurant to meet me once my brother had told me the news. I told him I wasn't ready for all of that and needed time to think. Then I left. I was just reeling.

I have been in a tailspin ever since. I had no idea my brother had sex with men. No idea that he cheated on his ex with a gay guy. No idea he has a boyfriend. He has called me many times trying to discuss it more, but I just can't say much. I am so shocked. And I am so heartbroken for our parents that their only son is gay. He'll never bring home a nice girl and have a normal marriage with kids whose mother he is married to. The thought of him having sex with a man turns my stomach.

I cannot help but distance myself as I try to cope, but the more I distance myself, the more desperately he calls. He wants to have dinner, go to a movie, hang out. He wants to come over, play with my kids, do sleep overs with them as he used to. I just can't. And now I'm wondering if he might have introduced his lover to my kids during a sleepover. So many questions.

I know many of you will call me a bigot and say awful things to me. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy and immediately accepting. But I can't do it. I am seriously grieving right now. How do I get through this? How do I get to a place where I can see him and feel the old warmth towards him? I feel bad that I am so taken aback, but I feel as if I cannot help it. I know he is hurt, but so am I.

You're throwing away several lifetimes of relationships over two words "I'm gay". You sound awful OP

[Anonymous]

Gay people only have a "tougher road" because of people like you, OP.

Fortunately (contrary to the PP who thinks the MAJORITY of people hate gays) the majority do not. Most people just shrug when someone says "I'm gay" because most people are able others for who they are, not who they think they should be.

Yes, your brother lied to you. The work you should be doing right now is asking yourself "Why doesn't my brother trust me?" I think you know the answer.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the only question that matters:

Would you like to continue to have a relationship with your brother, or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a gay sister, and yes, I went through a period of mourning. It's hard to put aside th picture you have of what your typical expectations were for something else. It's also hard to do it quickly, and out of the blue. It also hurts to know they've been, essentially, lying to you for years - it makes it seem that you weren't as close as you thought you were.

However, you do love your brother. I think you have to say to him, "listen, you've had a lifetime to adjust to your life. This really came out of the blue for me. I love you. I will be there for you. But I need some time and space to simply process it. It doesn't mean I'm rejecting you, it just means I need an adjustment period- let me have a month, and then I'll be back in touch."

And then you process it. Grieve for what you thought you knew and the relationship you thought you had. Grieve for the fact that his life is harder now (in terms of acceptance and even personal safety) than it likely was a straight man.

And then realize it's not about you, it's about him. Contact him, and just go with it. Fake it til you make it. Just treat it all (meeting his boyfriend, etc) as if it is the most normal thing in the world. Nothing has changed, except the gender of the people he is with. You don't want to know sexual details of girls he's with, right? So why does it matter about gay sex? It doesn't. What matter sis he is your brother, you love him, and you want him to be a part of your life.

Also, disregard anything you are feeling about your kids. The world has changed and kids recognize more than adults that love is love.

I also don't get OPs reaction and having to "teach" her kids about homosexuality - people love who they love and can marry who they want has always been a given in our house. That said, assuming OP does want to get past this and is not a bigot that isn't willing to change, then the above advice sounds good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, what might have happened with my kids is important. I don't think it's appropriate for my brother to have introduced homosexuality to my kids before I had a chance to talk to them and before he told me. I do not know if this is what happened, but unless he shut the boyfriend away whenever my kids were over, how could they not have met him?

Second, the poster with the lesbian sister gets it. A lot has changed with this revelation. Clearly, we were not that close and he did not trust me as much as I did him. I had no secrets from him. I also have fears for him. The higher rate of STDs, the tougher road he has.

Third, he wants my help in coming out to our parents and I feel as if I am going to collapse at the thought. This is a visceral reaction I cannot help. He is turning my life upside down with his requests. This will tear my parents apart. And yes, maybe he is being himself and it is not his fault, but we didn't ask for this either.

I don't believe I am as crazy as some are suggesting. I know there are others out there who get my grief.

How did he introduce homosexuality to your kids? At worse it sounds like his boyfriend was over. Introducing them to his friend is not introducing homosexuality. He didn't sit them down and explain how he has sex with men, nor did he have a heated make out session.

You need help OP. Truly. Go seek counseling from a licensed therapist (not a church).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, what might have happened with my kids is important. I don't think it's appropriate for my brother to have introduced homosexuality to my kids before I had a chance to talk to them and before he told me. I do not know if this is what happened, but unless he shut the boyfriend away whenever my kids were over, how could they not have met him?

Second, the poster with the lesbian sister gets it. A lot has changed with this revelation. Clearly, we were not that close and he did not trust me as much as I did him. I had no secrets from him. I also have fears for him. The higher rate of STDs, the tougher road he has.

Third, he wants my help in coming out to our parents and I feel as if I am going to collapse at the thought. This is a visceral reaction I cannot help. He is turning my life upside down with his requests. This will tear my parents apart. And yes, maybe he is being himself and it is not his fault, but we didn't ask for this either.

I don't believe I am as crazy as some are suggesting. I know there are others out there who get my grief.

My DS is 5 years old, and since he's had gay people in his life since he was born, he understands that "love is love is love is love is love." (Thanks, Lin-Manuel Miranda.) We have gay family members who are not married or in relationships and gay family friends and family members who are married, some of whom also have kids and are raising them in stable, loving families. There was no need to "introduce homosexuality" to him, as it was already part of his world; it's part of your kids' world too, whether you think you know gay people or not. (Though I have told DS that his dad and I campaigned to make marriage equality legal, and "can you believe it that people weren't allowed to marry the people who they loved and loved them back?")

As for the news tearing your parents apart, and your reeling reaction, maybe that's why he kept it a secret for so long. There's something in this belief--that being gay is wrong or abnormal--that makes one keep secrets from even the people they love and trust most.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, OP? If someone else was living there, wouldn't it come up? Also, when exactly were you planning to 'discuss' homosexuality with them? I'm guessing the day after, never. You think it's wrong, disgusting and were hoping to coast through life in hetero bliss.
I don't think you're bad, but in this day and age it's certainly shocking. Are you religious? God handed you this test to make you a more compassionate person. It's preparing you for something else one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the only question that matters:

Would you like to continue to have a relationship with your brother, or not?

That ship may have sailed, PP. But great point.

[Anonymous]

I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the only question that matters:

Would you like to continue to have a relationship with your brother, or not?

Yes, I do. But I need time and I am not sure about when I will be okay with meeting his boyfriend and my brother bringing my children around his boyfriend. I am also not sure if I can help with my parents. I honestly shake at the thought of being part of that conversation. They will cry so hard and I will just want to disappear. I wish he had not chosen this lifestyle or that he had eased us into the news. I do not agree with this stance that gays can drop the news however and whenever they want and we all just have to immediately become cheerleaders. The approach matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publicly. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

You sound awful. I feel for your gay acquaintances (you no longer have gay friends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the only question that matters:

Would you like to continue to have a relationship with your brother, or not?

Yes, I do. But I need time and I am not sure about when I will be okay with meeting his boyfriend and my brother bringing my children around his boyfriend. I am also not sure if I can help with my parents. I honestly shake at the thought of being part of that conversation. They will cry so hard and I will just want to disappear. I wish he had not chosen this lifestyle or that he had eased us into the news. I do not agree with this stance that gays can drop the news however and whenever they want and we all just have to immediately become cheerleaders. The approach matters.

It's not a choice.