Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

My brother and I have always been very close. I grew up admiring and looking up to him, and he admired me too. He was the fun jock, I was the smart, popular little sis. Together, we were a dynamic duo.

Fast forward. We are now adults. Both successful and happy. Still very close. I am married with three children. He is still single ... or at least I thought he was. A couple or years ago, he broke up with his long time girlfriend. I had never felt they were right for each other and he always kind of held her at arm's length. Well, I was under the impression he had been dating women since the break up, but just hadn't found the right one.

Two months ago, he came out to me. It was all very sudden. He invited me to dinner and told me he had something to tell me. And then he just laid it on me. He said that the reason he broke up with his girlfriend is because he met a man and that he has been with that man ever since. I asked him if this is just a phase and he said he thinks he is gay. As the conversation progressed, he actually said the guy was waiting at a nearby bar in the hopes of coming over to the restaurant to meet me once my brother had told me the news. I told him I wasn't ready for all of that and needed time to think. Then I left. I was just reeling.

I have been in a tailspin ever since. I had no idea my brother had sex with men. No idea that he cheated on his ex with a gay guy. No idea he has a boyfriend. He has called me many times trying to discuss it more, but I just can't say much. I am so shocked. And I am so heartbroken for our parents that their only son is gay. He'll never bring home a nice girl and have a normal marriage with kids whose mother he is married to. The thought of him having sex with a man turns my stomach.

I cannot help but distance myself as I try to cope, but the more I distance myself, the more desperately he calls. He wants to have dinner, go to a movie, hang out. He wants to come over, play with my kids, do sleep overs with them as he used to. I just can't. And now I'm wondering if he might have introduced his lover to my kids during a sleepover. So many questions.

I know many of you will call me a bigot and say awful things to me. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy and immediately accepting. But I can't do it. I am seriously grieving right now. How do I get through this? How do I get to a place where I can see him and feel the old warmth towards him? I feel bad that I am so taken aback, but I feel as if I cannot help it. I know he is hurt, but so am I.

[Anonymous]

Wow. As someone with a gay brother you sound awful. A good sister would be happy that he's so happy. He's better off without you. Let's hope your kids aren't gay!

[Anonymous]

My only advice is to remind you that this is not about you. You are way over thinking it. He is still your brother. You need to accept him for who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish. This is about him, not about you.

He wants me to accept his boyfriend and lifestyle and support him. I'd say I matter to the process of that happening.

-OP

You do. Doesn't mean you don't come off like a bitch. Why do you care that he won't bring home a nice girl? He will bring home a nice guy who makes him happy. I hope none of your kids is gay. You're the awful person that would disown them or make them feel ashamed. Hope your brother realizes you're a shitty sister and moves on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I have always been very close. I grew up admiring and looking up to him, and he admired me too. He was the fun jock, I was the smart, popular little sis. Together, we were a dynamic duo.

Fast forward. We are now adults. Both successful and happy. Still very close. I am married with three children. He is still single ... or at least I thought he was. A couple or years ago, he broke up with his long time girlfriend. I had never felt they were right for each other and he always kind of held her at arm's length. Well, I was under the impression he had been dating women since the break up, but just hadn't found the right one.

Two months ago, he came out to me. It was all very sudden. He invited me to dinner and told me he had something to tell me. And then he just laid it on me. He said that the reason he broke up with his girlfriend is because he met a man and that he has been with that man ever since. I asked him if this is just a phase and he said he thinks he is gay. As the conversation progressed, he actually said the guy was waiting at a nearby bar in the hopes of coming over to the restaurant to meet me once my brother had told me the news. I told him I wasn't ready for all of that and needed time to think. Then I left. I was just reeling.

I have been in a tailspin ever since. I had no idea my brother had sex with men. No idea that he cheated on his ex with a gay guy. No idea he has a boyfriend. He has called me many times trying to discuss it more, but I just can't say much. I am so shocked. And I am so heartbroken for our parents that their only son is gay. He'll never bring home a nice girl and have a normal marriage with kids whose mother he is married to. The thought of him having sex with a man turns my stomach.

I cannot help but distance myself as I try to cope, but the more I distance myself, the more desperately he calls. He wants to have dinner, go to a movie, hang out. He wants to come over, play with my kids, do sleep overs with them as he used to. I just can't. And now I'm wondering if he might have introduced his lover to my kids during a sleepover. So many questions.

I know many of you will call me a bigot and say awful things to me. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy and immediately accepting. But I can't do it. I am seriously grieving right now. How do I get through this? How do I get to a place where I can see him and feel the old warmth towards him? I feel bad that I am so taken aback, but I feel as if I cannot help it. I know he is hurt, but so am I.

Do you want your brother to live the life you envisioned for him, or do you want him to be happy? This is not about you, OP, so try to stop making it about you. How do you think your brother feels, having had to live while hiding this secret all these years? How do you think he feels after having the courage to come out to you, and then being treated the way you are treating him?

It's not about you, and it is not about your parents. Do you all love your brother, or do you only love the idea of what YOU envisioned his perfect life to be? Think about how you would like it if he had drawn up a perfect plan for your life and would only have a relationship with you if you abided by his terms.

Ugh. You suck. And why are you envisioning him having sex? Imagining my relatives having sex with ANYONE would turn me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I have always been very close. I grew up admiring and looking up to him, and he admired me too. He was the fun jock, I was the smart, popular little sis. Together, we were a dynamic duo.

Fast forward. We are now adults. Both successful and happy. Still very close. I am married with three children. He is still single ... or at least I thought he was. A couple or years ago, he broke up with his long time girlfriend. I had never felt they were right for each other and he always kind of held her at arm's length. Well, I was under the impression he had been dating women since the break up, but just hadn't found the right one.

Two months ago, he came out to me. It was all very sudden. He invited me to dinner and told me he had something to tell me. And then he just laid it on me. He said that the reason he broke up with his girlfriend is because he met a man and that he has been with that man ever since. I asked him if this is just a phase and he said he thinks he is gay. As the conversation progressed, he actually said the guy was waiting at a nearby bar in the hopes of coming over to the restaurant to meet me once my brother had told me the news. I told him I wasn't ready for all of that and needed time to think. Then I left. I was just reeling.

I have been in a tailspin ever since. I had no idea my brother had sex with men. No idea that he cheated on his ex with a gay guy. No idea he has a boyfriend. He has called me many times trying to discuss it more, but I just can't say much. I am so shocked. And I am so heartbroken for our parents that their only son is gay. He'll never bring home a nice girl and have a normal marriage with kids whose mother he is married to. The thought of him having sex with a man turns my stomach.

I cannot help but distance myself as I try to cope, but the more I distance myself, the more desperately he calls. He wants to have dinner, go to a movie, hang out. He wants to come over, play with my kids, do sleep overs with them as he used to. I just can't. And now I'm wondering if he might have introduced his lover to my kids during a sleepover. So many questions.

I know many of you will call me a bigot and say awful things to me. I'm supposed to be jumping with joy and immediately accepting. But I can't do it. I am seriously grieving right now. How do I get through this? How do I get to a place where I can see him and feel the old warmth towards him? I feel bad that I am so taken aback, but I feel as if I cannot help it. I know he is hurt, but so am I.

What are you hurt about? Because he doesn't sleep with women? How does that affect you?

I'm not going to call you bigot, etc., but I will tell you that you could be doing irreparable harm to your relationship.

I think that you should be proud and thrilled that he was finally willing to trust you with the truth of who he is.

[Anonymous]

There is no reason for this -

My brother and I have always been very close. I grew up admiring and looking up to him, and he admired me too. He was the fun jock, I was the smart, popular little sis. Together, we were a dynamic duo.

- to change.


If you love your brother as much as you say you do, you need to open your heart up to him, and accept him for the gay man he is.

_________

And stop thinking about him having sex. His sex life is none of your business no matter the partner.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, you are literally the worst.

I wish I could post to your brother right now. I can't even imagine what he is feeling. He comes out to his sister, hoping for support and all you can talk about is how YOU are feeling. What a horrible, awful, terrible human you are.

You disgust me.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm weird. I don't see what's to process or accept. He's gay and has a bf. These days he can get married and have a kid. It's not like he's destined to a life of living in the shadows. My brother came out after having a long time gf. I was happy he was finally happy and accepting who he was.

[Anonymous]

Did you picture him having sex with his girlfriends? You may want to get help for that.

[Anonymous]

As a lesbian, I honestly don't get how you can be so overcome by this.

I understand your image of him has shifted, but only a few degrees and the face beside his in your fantasy is now a man's instead of a "nice girl's" (what, are we back in 1950?).

However, the fact that it took him two years to tell you tells me you have made it clear to him that you would never approve of gay people. So don't be surprised when you get 10 pages of people telling you "Yes, you're a bigot."

[Anonymous]

I have a gay sister, and yes, I went through a period of mourning. It's hard to put aside th picture you have of what your typical expectations were for something else. It's also hard to do it quickly, and out of the blue. It also hurts to know they've been, essentially, lying to you for years - it makes it seem that you weren't as close as you thought you were.

However, you do love your brother. I think you have to say to him, "listen, you've had a lifetime to adjust to your life. This really came out of the blue for me. I love you. I will be there for you. But I need some time and space to simply process it. It doesn't mean I'm rejecting you, it just means I need an adjustment period- let me have a month, and then I'll be back in touch."

And then you process it. Grieve for what you thought you knew and the relationship you thought you had. Grieve for the fact that his life is harder now (in terms of acceptance and even personal safety) than it likely was a straight man.

And then realize it's not about you, it's about him. Contact him, and just go with it. Fake it til you make it. Just treat it all (meeting his boyfriend, etc) as if it is the most normal thing in the world. Nothing has changed, except the gender of the people he is with. You don't want to know sexual details of girls he's with, right? So why does it matter about gay sex? It doesn't. What matter sis he is your brother, you love him, and you want him to be a part of your life.

Also, disregard anything you are feeling about your kids. The world has changed and kids recognize more than adults that love is love.

[Anonymous]

So what if he introduced his boyfriend to your kids. Such a hateful person.

Are you the type of person who goes to church?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a lesbian, I honestly don't get how you can be so overcome by this.

I understand your image of him has shifted, but only a few degrees and the face beside his in your fantasy is now a man's instead of a "nice girl's" (what, are we back in 1950?).

However, the fact that it took him two years to tell you tells me you have made it clear to him that you would never approve of gay people. So don't be surprised when you get 10 pages of people telling you "Yes, you're a bigot."

I always feel pain when I find out a gay/lesbian person reads a post from someone like the OP. I'm sorry that there are still such backwards people in this world and that you have to face them. It makes me sad and sick.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Youre a terrible example for your kids. I hope your husband is a better person than you.