Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^Op didn't cut her brother off. She just refused to meet his SO. If he responds with cutting her off, that is his choice and something she has to live with, but you shouldn't misrepresent what is going on.

She won't accept him and calls him disgusting so she effectively did. Go away, Cruella de Homophobia.

What kind of future is he building with his SO if he allows his SO to be constantly excluded? It's not a future. It'd be almost nicer if she just cut him off instead of him feeling like he has a bond with her, when that bond is coming at sacrificing his SO? She isn't willing to meet him without her DH, too. It's just not okay. NOT OKAY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^Op didn't cut her brother off. She just refused to meet his SO. If he responds with cutting her off, that is his choice and something she has to live with, but you shouldn't misrepresent what is going on.

She won't accept him and calls him disgusting so she effectively did. Go away, Cruella de Homophobia.

What kind of future is he building with his SO if he allows his SO to be constantly excluded? It's not a future. It'd be almost nicer if she just cut him off instead of him feeling like he has a bond with her, when that bond is coming at sacrificing his SO? She isn't willing to meet him without her DH, too. It's just not okay. NOT OKAY.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you typed "help - gay brother" - were you looking for help to ungay him or help to become more accepting? If latter - therapy will help. if former - you might be out of luck.

[Anonymous]

It's one thing to know a gay person you're not emotionally connected to, it's easy to accept. But, this is your brother, someone you have a long history with, someone you love, someone you thought you knew all about. You're justifiably rattled because he is part of your heart. He's changed. This might be over-simplified but if you gained three-hundred pounds he might feel differently about you in the same way you feel different about him. Your perception of him has changed and that's your prerogative. Take little steps forward and write down rules you expect him to follow if he wants to be around your children. If he's willing, then you meet his new love. Then discuss your feelings with your parents. Spend some time with him so you're feelings can realign. You'll find that you do still love him and cherish your history but it's from an entirely new angle that you can live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to know a gay person you're not emotionally connected to, it's easy to accept. But, this is your brother, someone you have a long history with, someone you love, someone you thought you knew all about. You're justifiably rattled because he is part of your heart. He's changed. This might be over-simplified but if you gained three-hundred pounds he might feel differently about you in the same way you feel different about him. Your perception of him has changed and that's your prerogative. Take little steps forward and write down rules you expect him to follow if he wants to be around your children. If he's willing, then you meet his new love. Then discuss your feelings with your parents. Spend some time with him so you're feelings can realign. You'll find that you do still love him and cherish your history but it's from an entirely new angle that you can live with.

What the actual fuck?

He hasn't changed. What the hell kind of rules does op need for him to be around children. He's not a child abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^Op didn't cut her brother off. She just refused to meet his SO. If he responds with cutting her off, that is his choice and something she has to live with, but you shouldn't misrepresent what is going on.

She won't accept him and calls him disgusting so she effectively did. Go away, Cruella de Homophobia.

What kind of future is he building with his SO if he allows his SO to be constantly excluded? It's not a future. It'd be almost nicer if she just cut him off instead of him feeling like he has a bond with her, when that bond is coming at sacrificing his SO? She isn't willing to meet him without her DH, too. It's just not okay. NOT OKAY.

Agree.

Would the OP be okay with her family saying that they loved her, but they never wanted to meet her serious boyfriend/husband? And they didn't want her to talk about that person at all in front of them? And telling her that she was disgusting and her lifestyle was destructive? Sure, he has a choice, but it's a choice that no one should impose on someone they love. OP is squicked out by gay sex, and rather than learn to deal with her discomfort, she's willing to inflict pain on a brother she claims to love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Op didn't cut her brother off. She just refused to meet his SO. If he responds with cutting her off, that is his choice and something she has to live with, but you shouldn't misrepresent what is going on.

Oh but it feels so good to take out your own frustration on an anonymous board!

[Anonymous]

I just don't get why gays think people need to accept gays in their private lives.

OP isn't refusing to hire gays, harassing them at work, looking to deny them civil rights, campaigning to overturn gay marriage, rounding up neighbors to chase out the gays who bought next door, or doing anything to affect actual RIGHTS that gays have.

She just doesn't want gays in her personal, most intimate life.

Why do gays get to dictate who people can have in their lives?

You're gay. Fine. You should have all the same rights as everyone else. But this whole idea that people have to welcome you and your lover into their lives and celebrate you is so childish.

Some people are not going to like or befriend you because your homosexuality makes them uncomfortable. As a racial minority, I've had whites (including gay whites!) not welcome me into their social circles.

There is no right or entitlement to others' love.

Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why gays think people need to accept gays in their private lives.

OP isn't refusing to hire gays, harassing them at work, looking to deny them civil rights, campaigning to overturn gay marriage, rounding up neighbors to chase out the gays who bought next door, or doing anything to affect actual RIGHTS that gays have.

She just doesn't want gays in her personal, most intimate life.

Why do gays get to dictate who people can have in their lives?

You're gay. Fine. You should have all the same rights as everyone else. But this whole idea that people have to welcome you and your lover into their lives and celebrate you is so childish.

Some people are not going to like or befriend you because your homosexuality makes them uncomfortable. As a racial minority, I've had whites (including gay whites!) not welcome me into their social circles.

There is no right or entitlement to others' love.

Deal with it.

Except that this isn't about gays generally. This is about the OP's brother, who she spent the first part of her post fawning about and describing how close they were and how much she loved him. Her brother told her he was gay, and all of a sudden, that love went out the window. Now his "lifestyle" is "disgusting" and she wants to set up rules about what he can and can't talk about around her kids. She refuses to meet his partner and won't support him talking to their parents about being gay. You are correct that no one has a right to others' love, but the OP is not entitled to approval of her bigotry and disrespect toward her brother and his relationship. I was really hoping that her brother would hang up on her when she called to clarify that she still loves him but won't tolerate mention of his "disgusting lifestyle."

I very much doubt that the OP's brother wants to invite OP into his bedroom for his "most intimate life" but he's family. That's personal. It's different from a random acquaintance or an employee. It's a person who she loved before who she now will only love with the condition that he behaves exactly how she wants him to behave. I don't know what kind of family you grew up in, but in my family, we accept people for who they are. My family was (as it turned out) not a huge fan of my first husband, but because they love me, they still invited him to family holidays, send him birthday cards, and generally were willing to acknowledge he existed. Because that's what we do with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why gays think people need to accept gays in their private lives.

OP isn't refusing to hire gays, harassing them at work, looking to deny them civil rights, campaigning to overturn gay marriage, rounding up neighbors to chase out the gays who bought next door, or doing anything to affect actual RIGHTS that gays have.

She just doesn't want gays in her personal, most intimate life.

Why do gays get to dictate who people can have in their lives?

You're gay. Fine. You should have all the same rights as everyone else. But this whole idea that people have to welcome you and your lover into their lives and celebrate you is so childish.

Some people are not going to like or befriend you because your homosexuality makes them uncomfortable. As a racial minority, I've had whites (including gay whites!) not welcome me into their social circles.

There is no right or entitlement to others' love.

Deal with it.

Well, you're a homophobic asshole, so nothing you say is really valid. But, pretending it is, you're right in one regard: no one is entitled to someone acceptance or love. However, that goes to the OP as well. She can feel free to cut her brother off. As a consequence, she will no longer have a brother. She isn't entitled to have someone change for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why gays think people need to accept gays in their private lives.

OP isn't refusing to hire gays, harassing them at work, looking to deny them civil rights, campaigning to overturn gay marriage, rounding up neighbors to chase out the gays who bought next door, or doing anything to affect actual RIGHTS that gays have.

She just doesn't want gays in her personal, most intimate life.

Why do gays get to dictate who people can have in their lives?

You're gay. Fine. You should have all the same rights as everyone else. But this whole idea that people have to welcome you and your lover into their lives and celebrate you is so childish.

Some people are not going to like or befriend you because your homosexuality makes them uncomfortable. As a racial minority, I've had whites (including gay whites!) not welcome me into their social circles.

There is no right or entitlement to others' love.

Deal with it.

Were those unwelcoming whites your family members?

Based on your post, I suspect the gay white people who shunned you did it for reasons completely unrelated to your skin color.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why gays think people need to accept gays in their private lives.

OP isn't refusing to hire gays, harassing them at work, looking to deny them civil rights, campaigning to overturn gay marriage, rounding up neighbors to chase out the gays who bought next door, or doing anything to affect actual RIGHTS that gays have.

She just doesn't want gays in her personal, most intimate life.

Why do gays get to dictate who people can have in their lives?

You're gay. Fine. You should have all the same rights as everyone else. But this whole idea that people have to welcome you and your lover into their lives and celebrate you is so childish.

Some people are not going to like or befriend you because your homosexuality makes them uncomfortable. As a racial minority, I've had whites (including gay whites!) not welcome me into their social circles.

There is no right or entitlement to others' love.

Deal with it.

Were those unwelcoming whites your family members?

Based on your post, I suspect the gay white people who shunned you did it for reasons completely unrelated to your skin color.

Actually, yes, some of those unwelcoming whites are now my relatives by marriage. I shun them thoroughly and don't lose a moment's sleep over them. But to go grinding my teeth over their ignorance is a waste of time. When it comes to people's private lives, you have to get in where you fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why gays think people need to accept gays in their private lives.

OP isn't refusing to hire gays, harassing them at work, looking to deny them civil rights, campaigning to overturn gay marriage, rounding up neighbors to chase out the gays who bought next door, or doing anything to affect actual RIGHTS that gays have.

She just doesn't want gays in her personal, most intimate life.

Why do gays get to dictate who people can have in their lives?

You're gay. Fine. You should have all the same rights as everyone else. But this whole idea that people have to welcome you and your lover into their lives and celebrate you is so childish.

Some people are not going to like or befriend you because your homosexuality makes them uncomfortable. As a racial minority, I've had whites (including gay whites!) not welcome me into their social circles.

There is no right or entitlement to others' love.

Deal with it.

Were those unwelcoming whites your family members?

Based on your post, I suspect the gay white people who shunned you did it for reasons completely unrelated to your skin color.

As far as the gay whites shunning me goes, I couldn't care less. But when you pull your head out of your ass one day, you'll figure out that a lot of gay whites are racists and ignorant towards minorities of all types. The only issue they are conveniently liberal on is sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why gays think people need to accept gays in their private lives.

OP isn't refusing to hire gays, harassing them at work, looking to deny them civil rights, campaigning to overturn gay marriage, rounding up neighbors to chase out the gays who bought next door, or doing anything to affect actual RIGHTS that gays have.

She just doesn't want gays in her personal, most intimate life.

Why do gays get to dictate who people can have in their lives?

You're gay. Fine. You should have all the same rights as everyone else. But this whole idea that people have to welcome you and your lover into their lives and celebrate you is so childish.

Some people are not going to like or befriend you because your homosexuality makes them uncomfortable. As a racial minority, I've had whites (including gay whites!) not welcome me into their social circles.

There is no right or entitlement to others' love.

Deal with it.

Were those unwelcoming whites your family members?

Based on your post, I suspect the gay white people who shunned you did it for reasons completely unrelated to your skin color.

As far as the gay whites shunning me goes, I couldn't care less. But when you pull your head out of your ass one day, you'll figure out that a lot of gay whites are racists and ignorant towards minorities of all types. The only issue they are conveniently liberal on is sexuality.

I never denied that gay people can be racist.

Just like, as you've proven, racial minorities can be homophobic.

Being a minority in one sense obviously doesn't make you a good person, nor accepting of other minorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get why gays think people need to accept gays in their private lives.

OP isn't refusing to hire gays, harassing them at work, looking to deny them civil rights, campaigning to overturn gay marriage, rounding up neighbors to chase out the gays who bought next door, or doing anything to affect actual RIGHTS that gays have.

She just doesn't want gays in her personal, most intimate life.

Why do gays get to dictate who people can have in their lives?

You're gay. Fine. You should have all the same rights as everyone else. But this whole idea that people have to welcome you and your lover into their lives and celebrate you is so childish.

Some people are not going to like or befriend you because your homosexuality makes them uncomfortable. As a racial minority, I've had whites (including gay whites!) not welcome me into their social circles.

There is no right or entitlement to others' love.

Deal with it.

Were those unwelcoming whites your family members?

Based on your post, I suspect the gay white people who shunned you did it for reasons completely unrelated to your skin color.

Actually, yes, some of those unwelcoming whites are now my relatives by marriage. I shun them thoroughly and don't lose a moment's sleep over them. But to go grinding my teeth over their ignorance is a waste of time. When it comes to people's private lives, you have to get in where you fit in.

An in law is not the same as beloved brother.