Help - gay brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are under no obligation to accept or support anything in the world. If some people feel better about their miserable selves when they call you a bigot, so be it. These people don't matter. Your family does. If you can't reconcile raising your children with a gay uncle in their lives, oh well. I say this as a person who is generally accepting of different lifestyles.

What happens if/when her child realizes they are or believe something that goes against mom's opinions?

OP, You don't have to exalt homosexuality, but by avoiding your brother, you are setting an example to your children that you want nothing to do with them should one of them end up being gay (or converting religions, or becoming a profession you don't approve of, or or or...)

[Anonymous]

OP, my brother came out unexpectedly and I experienced grief too. It was hard because I knew the source of his pain and for all of what you shared - I knew he struggled. Fast forward, there is releif and a sound safe place for him to feel love and acceptance and not live a double life. It was initially hard to imagine the difficiulty for him in the transition and just not being aware of the additional challenges he would face as a black gay man. I liken the comparison to having my 13 year old sister tell me she is pregnant. No judgement, but definite sadness for the difficulty in the road ahead. I don't think it is fair for other posters to say you don;t have a right to your personal emotional response - it is not like you are judging him.

For those who don't understand, it is because you have a different belief system. There are some threads on here about mothers who don't care if teens have sex. Well, there are other parents here who may not judge, but would cry for their daughter or son having sex as a teenager - still a child. There are some of us who are believers in Christ, whether you agree or not. There are some of us who are Catholic and don't believe in birth control. There are many different belief systems that merge here. OP is sharing about her difficulty in coping with how her love for her brother conflicts with the belief system she grew up with. It doesn't mean she doesn't accept. It doesn't mean she doesn't love. People should not be so quick to shame those and judge those who think differently. It is just as much her right as your thought is yours.

OP, when you are ready, give your brother all the love that he is missing from you. He told you because he trusts you - and it took a lot of courage. He didn't tell you because he was fearful of your response. Let him know your love is more powerful than anything else and understand that even if there are actions that you do not agree with, it has nothing to do with love. Also, don't feel like accepting him means you have to compromise on your religious beliefs (if that is what they are). People who don't have a relationship with God, believe in God, or understand it are quick to give an analysis of things they know nothing about. They don't have a walk based in faith and they rarely see true examples of how God's love work with people who claim to be "believers".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

In my world, I believe that such intolerance is a sin. I believe in the mantra "What would Jesus Do?" Jesus would accept people for their sins (he died to atone for their sins) and would love them like a brother or sister. Those who hate, those who treat others poorly, even in the name of religion, are still cruel and unforgiving. I will tell you now that I think that if you cannot love like Jesus and can accept others despite their sins, that your hatred and bitterness will bar you on the road to redemption and heaven. Every individual's own path and choices are between him/her and God, not between you and God. Your only responsibility is to ensure that you live God's will and that includes accepting and loving others. "Love thy Brother" "Do Unto Others as you would have them do unto you." I care about your eternal future and I am frightened that if you cannot give up your intolerance and unforgiving attitude then I worry for your soul. Do yourself a favor. Recant and treat others as you would yourself. Love them as Jesus would and leave their own lives and choices between them and Jesus. Do what you need to do to live in Jesus' eyes as a good Christian and give up your intolerance.

We don't have to ever speak of this again.

[Anonymous]

So you've done likely what he feared. At least initially you have rejected who he really is.

He's still your brother. Why would you worry about having him around your kids now? What changed about him? Nothing. He's the same person he was before he told you.

I can understand needing some time to process but you post as if this is a tragedy. It isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have been transported back in time to 1996 not 2016. Is this for real? your reaction to his revelation seems so dated as to be almost trollish.

As recently as 2007, most Americans were against gay marriage. It's still 50/50 in anonymous polls. Much of the country is not on board with homosexuality. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are under no obligation to accept or support anything in the world. If some people feel better about their miserable selves when they call you a bigot, so be it. These people don't matter. Your family does. If you can't reconcile raising your children with a gay uncle in their lives, oh well. I say this as a person who is generally accepting of different lifestyles.

What happens if/when her child realizes they are or believe something that goes against mom's opinions?

OP, You don't have to exalt homosexuality, but by avoiding your brother, you are setting an example to your children that you want nothing to do with them should one of them end up being gay (or converting religions, or becoming a profession you don't approve of, or or or...)

It's up to the mom and her child, isn't it? Or are they supposed to follow a textbook rule circa 2016, because you said so? (The answer is no, they don't )

PP never said she has nothing to do with her brother. But she is well within her right to grieve the person she knew and lost. Same as any mother is entitled to grieve her dreams for the child who turned out to be something other than she expected. It's life, PP. People disappoint each other and adjust the best way they can. Putting on a brave facade, because you are afraid of being called a bigot by some idiot Millennial, is ridiculous. Or rather, it becomes ridiculous as you mature and grow some brains if you're lucky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

Perhaps you should relax and let them worry about their own souls.

That would be living a lie. You talk to people you love about the deepest most important things there are. I'm not telling anybody that they WILL go to hell. I'm telling them they might and they need to deeply consider it so that they aren't freaking out on their deathbed . Pithy popular opinion doesn't give you jack squat when you're leaving this earth.

It's your judgemental soul that should be freaking out

I'm not judging , I'm worried. And if it's somebody you love , you care. And peoples opinions don't mean squat .

Than try keeping your opinion to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

In my world, I believe that such intolerance is a sin. I believe in the mantra "What would Jesus Do?" Jesus would accept people for their sins (he died to atone for their sins) and would love them like a brother or sister. Those who hate, those who treat others poorly, even in the name of religion, are still cruel and unforgiving. I will tell you now that I think that if you cannot love like Jesus and can accept others despite their sins, that your hatred and bitterness will bar you on the road to redemption and heaven. Every individual's own path and choices are between him/her and God, not between you and God. Your only responsibility is to ensure that you live God's will and that includes accepting and loving others. "Love thy Brother" "Do Unto Others as you would have them do unto you." I care about your eternal future and I am frightened that if you cannot give up your intolerance and unforgiving attitude then I worry for your soul. Do yourself a favor. Recant and treat others as you would yourself. Love them as Jesus would and leave their own lives and choices between them and Jesus. Do what you need to do to live in Jesus' eyes as a good Christian and give up your intolerance.

We don't have to ever speak of this again.

That's a funny religion you made up.

All religion is made up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Homosexual lifestyle forces a person to embrace and defend sin publically. Everybody sins but there is an ability to ask Gods forgiveness , turn from it and move on. Embracing and promoting sin could highly likely be deadly to your eternal soul.

Not everybody thinks it is a sin. How can something God made be a sin? Nah. I don't believe that. We all know the Bible is written by men, so discount that. But if you believe God made us ... God made every single gay person out there and loves them and the the stuff they do in bed. And on the counter. And in the shower. So please stop talking about sin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe homosexual sex is a sin. No better or no worse than any other sin which all of us do probably on a daily schedule . The unique problem of homosexual sex is that it is public once out of the closet and practitioners are in the unfortunate position of having to defend sinful acts and lifestyle publically. This is where homosexual sex is very dangerous to your immortal soul. I've always accepted, loved and cherished all my homosexual friends and extended family. But I have told them that I care about their eternal future and I would be frightened for them when they are on their deathbed. I tell them because I love them and don't want them to take chances with their soul. I advise them to take the matter seriously and get to know what they believe their real situation is before they die. Then I tell them we will never speak of it again and get on with living and loving each other.

In my world, I believe that such intolerance is a sin. I believe in the mantra "What would Jesus Do?" Jesus would accept people for their sins (he died to atone for their sins) and would love them like a brother or sister. Those who hate, those who treat others poorly, even in the name of religion, are still cruel and unforgiving. I will tell you now that I think that if you cannot love like Jesus and can accept others despite their sins, that your hatred and bitterness will bar you on the road to redemption and heaven. Every individual's own path and choices are between him/her and God, not between you and God. Your only responsibility is to ensure that you live God's will and that includes accepting and loving others. "Love thy Brother" "Do Unto Others as you would have them do unto you." I care about your eternal future and I am frightened that if you cannot give up your intolerance and unforgiving attitude then I worry for your soul. Do yourself a favor. Recant and treat others as you would yourself. Love them as Jesus would and leave their own lives and choices between them and Jesus. Do what you need to do to live in Jesus' eyes as a good Christian and give up your intolerance.

We don't have to ever speak of this again.

Believer PP with gay brother and I pretty much agree with this. No sin is greater than another. Loving people where they are doesn't mean accepting the sin. You can love a drug addict and not accept the behavior. It is all about boundaries that are defined for each person - but love, respect, acceptance of the person is never the sacrifice. Love the person, hate the sin. No different than hating the sin of lying, cheating, stealing, disrespect, murder, fornication, etc. Most people don't quite understand how to do this because man-made religious zeal puts barriers up to truth self-growth in God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have been transported back in time to 1996 not 2016. Is this for real? your reaction to his revelation seems so dated as to be almost trollish.

As recently as 2007, most Americans were against gay marriage. It's still 50/50 in anonymous polls. Much of the country is not on board with homosexuality. Deal with it.

That was 9 years ago. American memories turn on a dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a gay sister, and yes, I went through a period of mourning. It's hard to put aside th picture you have of what your typical expectations were for something else. It's also hard to do it quickly, and out of the blue. It also hurts to know they've been, essentially, lying to you for years - it makes it seem that you weren't as close as you thought you were.

However, you do love your brother. I think you have to say to him, "listen, you've had a lifetime to adjust to your life. This really came out of the blue for me. I love you. I will be there for you. But I need some time and space to simply process it. It doesn't mean I'm rejecting you, it just means I need an adjustment period- let me have a month, and then I'll be back in touch."

And then you process it. Grieve for what you thought you knew and the relationship you thought you had. Grieve for the fact that his life is harder now (in terms of acceptance and even personal safety) than it likely was a straight man.

And then realize it's not about you, it's about him. Contact him, and just go with it. Fake it til you make it. Just treat it all (meeting his boyfriend, etc) as if it is the most normal thing in the world. Nothing has changed, except the gender of the people he is with. You don't want to know sexual details of girls he's with, right? So why does it matter about gay sex? It doesn't. What matter sis he is your brother, you love him, and you want him to be a part of your life.

Also, disregard anything you are feeling about your kids. The world has changed and kids recognize more than adults that love is love.

This is wonderful advice, OP. Take it.

The only thing I would add is to try to imagine how lonely your brother must have felt while he was hiding this secret from you. Imagine what it was like when most people had to live like that in the world, hiding their true selves from everyone they loved.

[Anonymous]

Homosexuality was accepted since ancient times, it has been around longer than this intolerance for it. In fact it was accepted in Asia, Europe, Pacific Islands, Japan, Americas, I mean there is more history of acceptance, it is just recent history of bigots and intolerance that created this hate. Whether it is his choice to be gay even if he could accept hetero relationship, even if he has no choice, even if two years from now he is with a woman, what is is any business of yours? Intolerance is a sin. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." Did you skip over that part but took the part you like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the only question that matters:

Would you like to continue to have a relationship with your brother, or not?

Yes, I do. But I need time and I am not sure about when I will be okay with meeting his boyfriend and my brother bringing my children around his boyfriend. I am also not sure if I can help with my parents. I honestly shake at the thought of being part of that conversation. They will cry so hard and I will just want to disappear. I wish he had not chosen this lifestyle or that he had eased us into the news. I do not agree with this stance that gays can drop the news however and whenever they want and we all just have to immediately become cheerleaders. The approach matters.

I understand that this is very hard for you and that you need some time and distance to process it. It's okay to do that. But I feel really sad for your brother who has been rejected by his sister whom he loves and who apparently (based on what you've written) will be rejected by his parents as well. This is a tragedy for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Homosexuality was accepted since ancient times, it has been around longer than this intolerance for it. In fact it was accepted in Asia, Europe, Pacific Islands, Japan, Americas, I mean there is more history of acceptance, it is just recent history of bigots and intolerance that created this hate. Whether it is his choice to be gay even if he could accept hetero relationship, even if he has no choice, even if two years from now he is with a woman, what is is any business of yours? Intolerance is a sin. "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." Did you skip over that part but took the part you like?

You don't know who OP is, her culture, her experience, where she is coming from.
A lot of faiths don't accept homosexuality (even if they practice it) and they are not quoting the bible as their guiding light. The islamic community comes to mind, for example.

All of you shaming her for intolerance (when she didn't say she doesn't tolerate it) are being very hypocritical. Also - intolerance of sin is what many people try to practice in various forms and faiths - whether you agree or not. Who are you to bully someone and challenge their beliefs to follow your personal thinking instead?