Reply to What's going on here? Post affair conversation Analysis please.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a woman and I don't understand what you want from him! Do you want him to stay home, or call you while he's out? You need to be more specific.[/quote]

She doesn't want either.

She is sharing her feelings... He doesn't need to do anything, maybe hug her.

It's no different than... My mom has cancer, I am sad today. He can't fix, he doesn't need to do anything,  but she should be able to share how she feels.

I simple... I'm sorry you are sad today.[/quote]

This is OP - this is exactly what I'd like.  I don't care that he gets coffee.  I want him to care that it triggers anxiety once in a while.  I want him to reassure me that the affair is over and that I'm important to him.  That's all.  I've told him that, the exact words.  He can't say them without condemning me in some backhanded way.  He'll open with  (paraphrasing) since you're so (defective or insert other criticism) I'll try again to tell you I was wrong for having an affair.  But what I really want to hear is that he cares about how hurt I am.  I tell him exactly that, but it gets turned around all the time.  I don't understand what is going on.  It seems to me like I'm clear.[/quote]

You are being clear.  He is being clear also, but you don't want to hear the message he is giving you.  You told him what you need.  It's not that he doesn't understand what you want him to do; it is that he doesn't want to do it.  You have a choice: stay in a relationship with a person who is unable to meet your needs or leave.  There may be reasons to stay:  want to use time married to develop work history, want to allow his retirement to grow so there is more to split (and splitting the value of his and your retirement accrued during the marriage is what is appropriate legally), etc.

You didn't make him cheat and you can't make him remorseful.

He doesn't want to take responsibility for the demise of your marriage.  You didn't dump him when you found out about the affair, so he is just going to treat you like crap until you leave of your own accord.  When you finally do so, he will tell himself it is because you are an unhappy person who made him have an affair and then you couldn't get over it.  Of course, that's crap.  Din't waste your precious time in life trying to get him to see reason.  What you wanted with him - an intact, loving, marital partnership - is not on the menu.  Think about what is within your control in life and pursue that. [/quote]

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