S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love it when my wife guides me in. It's like being invited by her rather than inviting myself.

Well it's challenging to do when I'm on all fours. Means I have to hold myself up with one arm.

Maybe he's trying to put it somewhere else.

No. He's asked but his penis isn't hard enough to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love it when my wife guides me in. It's like being invited by her rather than inviting myself.

Well it's challenging to do when I'm on all fours. Means I have to hold myself up with one arm.

Maybe he's trying to put it somewhere else.

No. He's asked but his penis isn't hard enough to do that.

Did you say yes or no? The answer might affect how hard he gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

And if you want to live in a platonic relationship with a partner who prefers Netflix to sex, you should marry another woman. But if you decide to be with a man, don't be surprised when his sex drive remains constant regardless of your disinterest. And the if you chose not to prioritize some amount of frequent sex with him, don't wonder why he is taking 9pm yoga classes with a female friend from work.

You know what I can respect a couple who gets divorced because they realize they have grown apart and aren't being good partners to each other.

I can't respect someone who cheats because he/she isn't getting what he wants and then expects their spouse to just take it.

Yes. And I also can't respect someone who characterizes his wife as "tricking" him, "lying" to him, etc, because her interest in sex has declined. How about a little humor and understanding--and yes, love and respect--on both sides.

[Anonymous]

it is "tricking" because you exchanged vows to forsake all others and this came at a time when you actually had interest and passion for sex. No man would ever make such a promise with a disinterested partner.

I can respect somebody who at least acknowledges their loss of interest is unfair and allows the sexually interested partner to find it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it is "tricking" because you exchanged vows to forsake all others and this came at a time when you actually had interest and passion for sex. No man would ever make such a promise with a disinterested partner.

I can respect somebody who at least acknowledges their loss of interest is unfair and allows the sexually interested partner to find it elsewhere.

Tricking implies the woman did it on purpose or knew it was going to happen. Which is rarely the case. Do you feel like your wife should be able to abandon ship if your junk stops working at 48? Then you should be open to her opening up shop to all the young studs right? It's only fair!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a perfect world, women would marry women and set up house together, and order a free-range man for delivery when she wanted some masculine input. Unfortunately, men and women do form pair-bonds, and struggle with some basic incompatibilities.

At this point in our society, women are carrying too much of load--the burden of providing, the burden of bringing children into the world and caring for them, and the burden of running a household, and men aren't typically sharing that equally.

Yes, this, exactly. It makes me angry enough that I choose to go outside my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

I don't find my husband physically attractive particularly. We've been together almost 24 years and he's gained a lot of weight. He has hairs growing in weird places, and farts and poops with the door open. And lol about you being overwhelmed. Do you even do half of everything? Do you know what "everything" consists of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No because my spouse is A+ in bed. But, as I said in the other thread, if he lost the 15 lbs he gained since we got married which really do not look good on him then I'd jump his bones more.

But we still have sex 2 times per week apx as is. So it's not the end of the world but seeing someone let themselves go is not hot.

LOL 15 pounds turns you off? Try 45, and 20+ years older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

I am a woman, and I get what you are talking about here. Occasionally, I will be getting out of the shower or wear a low-cut top, and my husband will want to have sex. It doesn't matter what else is going on. I might feel like I want to have sex because I am not overwhelmed, and the person I most want to have sex with is my husband. But I have never ever just thought a man was sexy and wanted to have sex with him. It doesn't matter if Brad Pitt showed up in my living room. If he was standing in the middle of 5 loads of unfolded laundry, I would not be thinking about sex.

But that's because you don't have spontaneous desire and/or you're low drive. Don't you ever self pleasure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you not yet learned that for most women, her brain is her biggest sex organ? That PP stated that she does have the drive, just when her DH does or says something negative, it kills that drive. That's very normal for women. This is why the female viagra is hard to create. Someone once quoted one of the scientist who was working on a female viagra about why it doesn't seem to work for women: "you can't make a pill to counter being an asshole" .. or something like that.

But, just to clarify -- women are just as big of assholes as men. It just doesn't have as much of an impact on a guy's desire to have sex with her.

Not true at all. If my husband thinks I'm being a jerk, it will be 2-3 days before he's willing to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I put a lot of effort into having regular sex with my husband. And I do this because he puts effort into showing me affection and being an active partner and making sure I am not overwhelmed.

I want my wife to show me affection, be an active partner, and make sure I'm not overwhelmed because I'm doing the same for her. I want her to have sex with me because she thinks I'm sexy and wants to have sex with me - the same as I do for her. I don't particularly want her to make an effort to find me attractive.

Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

Pp again. My dh really likes to enjoy sex so it's usually long and intense. Which is great, we have great sex. But sometimes it means I think to myself, "that's more effort than I want to put into something recreational right now." It's just another example of the fact that sex simply isn't the be all end all for women.

What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a tendency to create strawmen around here so that the lower drive spouses can be dismissive of the higher drive spouse's desire for sex. For example:

Anonymous wrote:
Finding dh attractive =/= wanting to have sex all the time.

or

Anonymous wrote:
And I know it sucks but yes the majority of women as they age don't want to have sex 6 times a week.

But, honestly, do these women really find their men attractive enough that they spontaneously want to have sex with them even twice a week? I doubt it.
And maybe that's just the way it is, due to no one's fault. But if twice a week is a hassle, deal with that issue. Don't pretend it's just because the husband wants to have sex with unreasonable frequency.

I think many women want sex twice a week. But they don't see a man and say wow I want that. They read a book, watch a movie, daydream and think about it.

That's nuts. Then more women should watch female-oriented prn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many women want sex twice a week. But they don't see a man and say wow I want that. They read a book, watch a movie, daydream and think about it.

And after marriage, they decide to stop reading those books, watching those movies, daydreaming those things.
This is exactly the male complaint. Whatever they were doing to get all lusty before, they just stop doing it.
Meanwhile the male sex drive keeps humming steadily along.

because now they have more dishes to wash, more laundry to do, another human being to look after. My kids are upper ES age, and now I finally have some time to go back to doing those things, and that's only because I work parttime and my DH also does house chores/childcare. Prior to all this, I was working FT, 2 hr commute everyday, and dealing with a baby and a toddler. My only daydream/fantasy was more sleep.

That's interesting. I do I'd say 80 or 85% of the work of keeping the household running and have always worked full time, with a commute anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and 10 minutes each way. I wouldn't let the stress and demands of life erode my sex drive. How...lifeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

I disagree with this. You mean, find a woman who thinks like you do about sex. I'm a perimenopausal woman with two teenagers who works full time and does more than half of the domestic work, and yet my sex drive is just fine. Always has been, except when our children were infants, and even then, we managed to have sex once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard alot of ominous warnings about what marriage would be like. Constant nagging; wife gaining 100 pounds; becoming just like her mother. Are you saying "hey you were warned" thereby absolving any complaint if such horrible stereotypes materialize?

Likewise, I hope prospective brides are suitably put on-notice that the male sex drive doesn't end at 35.

I don't disagree with the "natural progression" concept. Not claiming to have figured this out, we are still right in the thick of it, her struggling with a progressively lower libido, me wondering if long term marriage and/or monogamy are even possible (especially for men).

Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophesy. But the reality, is men and women are very different in terms of arousal. Again, not every last person but generally. I also truly believe that women desire more variety than men.

This is actually the more relevant factor. A woman's arousal is much easier to achieve when it's a new (or different) man. Unfortunately, as husband's our greatest failing is that we are not other men.

So switch things up. Role play. Use costumes. Approach her differently. Try new positions.