Career or divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

I have a great career too, which I didn't want to sacrifice. So guess what -- I didn't marry and have a kid until I was ready to sacrifice; and if I wasn't ready, I would have stayed single. Point is -- OP's DH has moved for her FOUR times in EIGHT years. This isn't a man who won't sacrifice for a woman's career, yet she won't even CONSIDER the idea of sacrificing for him by even calling a headhunter and figuring out the Dallas market before she throws in the towel.

Because she is on a great career track and the places she wants to work at in the future - the SEC or DOJ - are on the east coast. She'd probably be fine if he wanted NYC but he wants Texas.

The SEC and DOJ exist in Dallas too -- they're not east coast specific??!

Honestly I think this is about partnership at the existing firm and OP doesn't want to say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

Not at all. I'd think a husband and father throwing away his family for his career is a terrible person, too.

Well id argue that if she's considering staying the marriage is not that strong to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

I have a great career too, which I didn't want to sacrifice. So guess what -- I didn't marry and have a kid until I was ready to sacrifice; and if I wasn't ready, I would have stayed single. Point is -- OP's DH has moved for her FOUR times in EIGHT years. This isn't a man who won't sacrifice for a woman's career, yet she won't even CONSIDER the idea of sacrificing for him by even calling a headhunter and figuring out the Dallas market before she throws in the towel.

Because she is on a great career track and the places she wants to work at in the future - the SEC or DOJ - are on the east coast. She'd probably be fine if he wanted NYC but he wants Texas.

The SEC and DOJ exist in Dallas too -- they're not east coast specific??!

Honestly I think this is about partnership at the existing firm and OP doesn't want to say that.

Yeah regional offices. I have done that before in my career (diff field but still) and I would not recommend it. Out of sight = out of mind. You want to be where the action is, whatever that means in your field.

[Anonymous]

DH and I both care a lot about our careers and have both been told we have potential to rise to the top. We are both ambitious. In the last few years, he has let me take a number of opportunities that have really allowed me to move up quickly at his expense. The problem with these things is that the more exposure you get (assuming you do well) the more brilliant opportunities come your way. I am now at the stage where I have been offered a career changing next step but it would require my husband to make yet more sacrifice. OP I hear what you are saying: i want this opportunity so badly and I know that nothing like this will ever come my way again. At the same time, the only reason it has is because of the sacrifice he has already made. I don't want to say no - and if I am honest, I have been privileged not to have to over the last few years and I've got used to it. But in a marriage, you can't always put yourself first. OP it sounds like your DH has already sacrificed so much for you. At the very least, you need to seriously look into options in Dallas. Anything else would be unbearably selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Right. And did you also not realize that the SEC has a DFW regional office? And the USAO has an office there too? You really won't consider those things bc you'd have to apply thru USAJobs rather than thru connections? I got a job at SEC here in DC with ZERO connections as I was coming from a different city (and I mean in 2015 - not 20 yrs ago), so don't act like it isn't possible unless you at least attempt it.

NP. What do you think helped you stand out from other applicants in landing the SEC gig? Are you an enforcement attorney or working in a different area?

I think it's bc I am a biglaw litigator who WAS willing to go to a division other than enforcement. I think Enforcement gets thousands of apps per opening, while the other divisions may get hundreds -- so they do take more time to review credentials and you do stand out more if you cast your net broadly and don't take on a "enforcement or bust" mentality. Other than that, nothing much -- I have credentials similar to OP, though only 1 clerkship rather than 2.

What division are you in? How are your pay and hours compared to enforcement attorneys? I was under the impression that non-enforcement SEC gigs for attorneys are shittier in terms of career options within the SEC and exit options. -Np (different from the one you were responding to)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's company is moving him to Irving, Texas next year and he insists on going with or without me. Currently, we live in DC, having moved from NYC for my job.

So far in our 8-year marriage, my husband has moved for my career. I am a litigation associate at a big law firm. We started out in NYC when I was a first year associate, moved to DC for me to clerk for a District Judge (prestigious in the legal profession) for a year, moved back to NYC for two years, then moved to DC for me to clerk again at the Court of Appeals. After clerking, I decided to go to a major DC-based firm with no NYC office, instead of back to NYC. My husband was upset, but had his transfer to DC finalized.

My husband works in financial sales. He has worked for the same company for over 10 years and did not have to leave because the company has both DC and NYC offices. The moves from office to office to accommodate my career have probably made it hard for him to rise in the company.

All of my contacts are in DC and NYC. My plan was to go to the SEC or DOJ if I were to leave big law. I have no idea what I would do in Dallas. I don't know if firms would hire someone as senior as me. Even if a firm would hire me, I don't know if they would really take me seriously. I do not want to be an AUSA and looking at USA Jobs for SEC positions in Dallas, those seem few and far between. I don't know what other government jobs are an option there. I love the idea of living in a warm, Southern city with a low cost of living, but I worry about what will happen to my career.

My husband feels it is my turn to support his career and that, with my credentials, I could make a go of it in Dallas if I wanted to. Does anyone have any advice as far as law firms to look at or going in house or government? I am not stuck on big law because I have been having doubts about the life of a junior partner, but I do want to be able to do meaningful, stable work with good pay. It seems I am going to have to arrive in Dallas with no job and then start looking. Is that career suicide?

In 20 years, do you want to sit next to your husband having coffee or do you want to wake up in an empty bed, roll over check your phone, and go into the office?

I'll take empty bed and great career for $1000 Alex!

[Anonymous]

How exactly are you planning to be a single parent to a 2 yo while working Big Law? Your career us going to suffer regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How exactly are you planning to be a single parent to a 2 yo while working Big Law? Your career us going to suffer regardless.

She would probably let (make) dad take the daughter. Nothing can stand in the way of the almighty career.

This op is so intent on framing herself as poorly as possible I wonder if it's one of those things where it's actually her husband doing this and she's arguing against her own interests to prove to him how wrong he is. No normal person could be so obtuse .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Right. And did you also not realize that the SEC has a DFW regional office? And the USAO has an office there too? You really won't consider those things bc you'd have to apply thru USAJobs rather than thru connections? I got a job at SEC here in DC with ZERO connections as I was coming from a different city (and I mean in 2015 - not 20 yrs ago), so don't act like it isn't possible unless you at least attempt it.

NP. What do you think helped you stand out from other applicants in landing the SEC gig? Are you an enforcement attorney or working in a different area?

I think it's bc I am a biglaw litigator who WAS willing to go to a division other than enforcement. I think Enforcement gets thousands of apps per opening, while the other divisions may get hundreds -- so they do take more time to review credentials and you do stand out more if you cast your net broadly and don't take on a "enforcement or bust" mentality. Other than that, nothing much -- I have credentials similar to OP, though only 1 clerkship rather than 2.

What division are you in? How are your pay and hours compared to enforcement attorneys? I was under the impression that non-enforcement SEC gigs for attorneys are shittier in terms of career options within the SEC and exit options. -Np (different from the one you were responding to)

I'm the PP to whom you're posing the questions -- don't want to out myself by saying what division -- and I have no idea about the rest. I didn't go in thinking -- enforcement is it and everything else is second tier. So I'm not worrying about the salary, hours or exit options of enforcement -- I'm worry about myself. I came in pretty senior w almost 8 yrs in biglaw so my salary is on the high side for any new SEC hire, enforcement or not; the hours -- I compare them to biglaw, so I'm basically on a paid vacation. As for exit-- I'll know when I try to exit, which isn't in the near future given I've been there for 1.5 yrs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's company is moving him to Irving, Texas next year and he insists on going with or without me. Currently, we live in DC, having moved from NYC for my job.

So far in our 8-year marriage, my husband has moved for my career. I am a litigation associate at a big law firm. We started out in NYC when I was a first year associate, moved to DC for me to clerk for a District Judge (prestigious in the legal profession) for a year, moved back to NYC for two years, then moved to DC for me to clerk again at the Court of Appeals. After clerking, I decided to go to a major DC-based firm with no NYC office, instead of back to NYC. My husband was upset, but had his transfer to DC finalized.

My husband works in financial sales. He has worked for the same company for over 10 years and did not have to leave because the company has both DC and NYC offices. The moves from office to office to accommodate my career have probably made it hard for him to rise in the company.

All of my contacts are in DC and NYC. My plan was to go to the SEC or DOJ if I were to leave big law. I have no idea what I would do in Dallas. I don't know if firms would hire someone as senior as me. Even if a firm would hire me, I don't know if they would really take me seriously. I do not want to be an AUSA and looking at USA Jobs for SEC positions in Dallas, those seem few and far between. I don't know what other government jobs are an option there. I love the idea of living in a warm, Southern city with a low cost of living, but I worry about what will happen to my career.

My husband feels it is my turn to support his career and that, with my credentials, I could make a go of it in Dallas if I wanted to. Does anyone have any advice as far as law firms to look at or going in house or government? I am not stuck on big law because I have been having doubts about the life of a junior partner, but I do want to be able to do meaningful, stable work with good pay. It seems I am going to have to arrive in Dallas with no job and then start looking. Is that career suicide?

OP - the fact that you ask the question means that you don't value your marriage or your husband. Do both of you a favor and get a divorce. Not being snarky, just honest. Both of you do not love each other enough, your marriage is weak and cannot withstand something as common as a job relocation that requires the spouse to also change jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's company is moving him to Irving, Texas next year and he insists on going with or without me. Currently, we live in DC, having moved from NYC for my job.

So far in our 8-year marriage, my husband has moved for my career. I am a litigation associate at a big law firm. We started out in NYC when I was a first year associate, moved to DC for me to clerk for a District Judge (prestigious in the legal profession) for a year, moved back to NYC for two years, then moved to DC for me to clerk again at the Court of Appeals. After clerking, I decided to go to a major DC-based firm with no NYC office, instead of back to NYC. My husband was upset, but had his transfer to DC finalized.

My husband works in financial sales. He has worked for the same company for over 10 years and did not have to leave because the company has both DC and NYC offices. The moves from office to office to accommodate my career have probably made it hard for him to rise in the company.

All of my contacts are in DC and NYC. My plan was to go to the SEC or DOJ if I were to leave big law. I have no idea what I would do in Dallas. I don't know if firms would hire someone as senior as me. Even if a firm would hire me, I don't know if they would really take me seriously. I do not want to be an AUSA and looking at USA Jobs for SEC positions in Dallas, those seem few and far between. I don't know what other government jobs are an option there. I love the idea of living in a warm, Southern city with a low cost of living, but I worry about what will happen to my career.

Their marriage withstood it when he had to move for her, vice versa, clearly not.

My husband feels it is my turn to support his career and that, with my credentials, I could make a go of it in Dallas if I wanted to. Does anyone have any advice as far as law firms to look at or going in house or government? I am not stuck on big law because I have been having doubts about the life of a junior partner, but I do want to be able to do meaningful, stable work with good pay. It seems I am going to have to arrive in Dallas with no job and then start looking. Is that career suicide?

OP - the fact that you ask the question means that you don't value your marriage or your husband. Do both of you a favor and get a divorce. Not being snarky, just honest. Both of you do not love each other enough, your marriage is weak and cannot withstand something as common as a job relocation that requires the spouse to also change jobs.

[Anonymous]

Your DH has moved for you several times and it's now his turn. Not at all complicated and mighty. And, if you were big important job is actually just working at the SEC or DOJ if you can manage to find work there, you have bigger issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH has moved for you several times and it's now his turn. Not at all complicated and mighty. And, if you were big important job is actually just working at the SEC or DOJ if you can manage to find work there, you have bigger issues.

But some moves are different from others. If you're a northeasterner, then moving around between DC and NYC isn't a huge big deal. Also, it sounds like the husband had obvious job opportunities in these cities.

It does sound like OP is having a panic attack over Dallas job prospects before actually investigating them - go investigate them! - but I don't think it's fair to lambaste her for being reluctant to leave the cities where she has great contacts and great works. Obviously, if her family moved a few times for her career prospects, her career means a lot to her - so saying, ok, now you go onto a totally different path, isn't really realistic.

[Anonymous]

Is there some reason beyond your job that you don't want to go? Are you from NYC/DC and don't want to leave your family? Friends? I can't imagine being THAT attached to your biglaw job - and I say this as a biglaw junior partner who likes biglaw a lot. If it came down to the job or my DH - DH wins hands down and I would figure out something in Dallas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you are all emphasizing my daughter. She will go wherever we go. If we split, she will spend part of her time with each of us. I am not saying we will split. I am asking for advice on the Dallas market. Which big law firms are prominent there? Which areas of law should a litigator emphasize?

If you don't know this immediately, you are not Biglaw. Your a poseur.