Career or divorce
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Anonymous
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OP, I like the idea of counseling for both of you to help work this out. The part I find most troublesome is his ultimatum.. So I wonder if when you were offered jobs that were better for YOU, ultimatums were issued as well? These kind of tit for tats can and will destroy a marriage (look at your post title).
So here's the question - what is more important to you - family or career? There isn't a "right" answer - it's a personal one, and a personal choice. What is it about your career that you feel scared about losing (again your words) if you move? Status? Money? Personal fulfillment? Remember that people can and do have very successful carreers all over the country. In general, financial compensation reflects the COL for the area, and in some lower COL areas, certain professions actually do better for themselves away from big, saturated markets like DC. If youve bound yourself to a niche - is it available anywhere other than DC? If you're confident in your skills, if it's just that you lose your client book, then you should start working on networking properly whether you stay or go, because you can never rely on staying at the same firm forever anyway. Are you looking to have more children? You realize for women, despite the promise of a shattering glass ceiling, depending on your organization, women who keep bowing out even short term, start to get set aside? What if your next child is special needs? Can you afford to stay in DC? Don't discount anything based on your personal knee jerk reaction. Deeply think about what matters to you and why, and if it matters in the end. A few years ago, DH got an offer cross country in about the last place in the world I want to live (think flyover country). It was really the only way for him to get a promotion. We lived apart for around 18 months and then I decided to relocate. The period of living apart really hurt our relationship, I was so filled with resentment. I was scared that my very niche career, which was important to me, was done. AFter I moved, a competitor approached me to telework for them. The city I hated so much for the first while now is a nice change from the constant stress of the city, that I used to love. DH has quickly climbed the new ranks and the low COL for the area allows us to have more, do more and have less financial pressure than before. It's not perfect, but I'm glad we took a leap of faith. |
Anonymous
| There are probably other issues going on. |
Anonymous
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If your two choices are to move or to divorce, something's shitty with your marriage.
So yes, divorce is probably a viable option for you. |
Anonymous
| My DH works overseas now, it it part of his job and he had no choice after several years here. Kids and I stayed here so they can have stability, they are in high school, and we all moved before, I gave up my career to be with my kids and my DH, in that order and so that kids can have two parents. I work now, not for great money but in DC anything helps. We love each other, and while this is not easy, we never once thought about divorce. Something is really wrong with OP's marriage and/or her priorities, imo. |
Anonymous
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Whoa whoa whoa. So your DH is ready to pick up and go to Texas with or without you? Who is taking the child??
I'm sorry, but... WTF? |
Anonymous
NP here. Given OP made absolutely no mention of the child in her her opening post, I suspect there are other things she is leaving out. Honestly, she seems obtuse. She's admitted they moved -- MORE THAN ONCE -- for her job/career. It doesn't sound like her DH was happy about it. Something seems off. |
Anonymous
| Did you really need to move him around that much to clerk? Could you not just have tried for SDNY, EDNY and then 2d Cir? I mean I moved 5 states away to clerk but then I was single and saw it as an opportunity to live someplace else. I guarantee you that's where the resentment started -- following you around for low paid "prestigious" jobs. Sorry - I've clerked - yes it's hard to get but not that big of a deal and not worth constant bouncing around when you have a spouse with a career. |
Anonymous
what is that they moved four times for her job and now he's being transferred. And after he sacrificed his career for her she won't support him when it's his turn because getting a new job as a lawyer is "hard" |
Anonymous
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Think about why you don't want to move and see divorce as an option. Are you just over him and want out and this is convenient?
FWIW - I know someone who was in a similar position bc his wife is in the academic job market and when she got a tenure track job in Dallas, he left his DC biglaw gig. From what I could tell he had no trouble getting a job / ie not unemployed for a while and they all moved together so he didn't stay in DC for a while to secure a job. He was a nichey area of lit too - think consumer lending/finance. He got not 1 but 2 in house gigs there and is now AGC at a major NYC bank in its Dallas office and has a VP title. It can be done if you want - just depends on whether you want to try or would rather be divorced for whatever reason. |
Anonymous
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I can't believe you are even asking the question. And I am divorced. From an abusive cheater. Who I dragged to therapy for YEARS when really, I should have left him, but I wouldn't give up on my marriage and family.
I would never divorce over something so trivial, and esp. if you have a child. If you love your DH, of course you have to go with him. Maybe not immediately - network and job search for a few months, work with head hunters, whatever. When you got married you took a vow. When you had a child you cemented that vow. You don't get to just throw your hands up and walk away. |
Anonymous
Me too. Is there some other part of this story you're not explaining well? Otherwise, you're nuts. It's Dallas not Baghdad for God's sake. Of course you'll find a job commensurate with your experience if you make the smallest amount of effort. Of course, your post suggests that you haven't and you won't (otherwise you'd know that Irving has a big business community, including the HQ of a number of major international companies.) |
Anonymous
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OP here. I don't know why I am getting attacked. I have worked really hard to get where I am and am hesitant to leave it all behind for Dallas Texas. Unless I am mistaken, it doesn't seem to be as hot a market as DC. Why is it wrong that I am serious about my career?
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Anonymous
Of course you will think you are being attacked, it seems that you have a problem accepting you are wrong. Why is divorce and option at all? If that your DH's idea or yours? Is your DH a slacker that might quit tomorrow so you are financially afraid for the future? How old are you? What is wrong is that you have a child, who you didn't even mention at first. |
Anonymous
Because when you GOT MARRIED and decided to HAVE A CHILD, you gave up the option of being so mind-bendingly selfish. Take your responsibilities seriously, OP. |
Anonymous
| I'm not sure why you are all emphasizing my daughter. She will go wherever we go. If we split, she will spend part of her time with each of us. I am not saying we will split. I am asking for advice on the Dallas market. Which big law firms are prominent there? Which areas of law should a litigator emphasize? |