Career or divorce

[Anonymous]

My husband's company is moving him to Irving, Texas next year and he insists on going with or without me. Currently, we live in DC, having moved from NYC for my job.

So far in our 8-year marriage, my husband has moved for my career. I am a litigation associate at a big law firm. We started out in NYC when I was a first year associate, moved to DC for me to clerk for a District Judge (prestigious in the legal profession) for a year, moved back to NYC for two years, then moved to DC for me to clerk again at the Court of Appeals. After clerking, I decided to go to a major DC-based firm with no NYC office, instead of back to NYC. My husband was upset, but had his transfer to DC finalized.

My husband works in financial sales. He has worked for the same company for over 10 years and did not have to leave because the company has both DC and NYC offices. The moves from office to office to accommodate my career have probably made it hard for him to rise in the company.

All of my contacts are in DC and NYC. My plan was to go to the SEC or DOJ if I were to leave big law. I have no idea what I would do in Dallas. I don't know if firms would hire someone as senior as me. Even if a firm would hire me, I don't know if they would really take me seriously. I do not want to be an AUSA and looking at USA Jobs for SEC positions in Dallas, those seem few and far between. I don't know what other government jobs are an option there. I love the idea of living in a warm, Southern city with a low cost of living, but I worry about what will happen to my career.

My husband feels it is my turn to support his career and that, with my credentials, I could make a go of it in Dallas if I wanted to. Does anyone have any advice as far as law firms to look at or going in house or government? I am not stuck on big law because I have been having doubts about the life of a junior partner, but I do want to be able to do meaningful, stable work with good pay. It seems I am going to have to arrive in Dallas with no job and then start looking. Is that career suicide?

[Anonymous]

OP here - I know Irving is not quite Dallas, but from what I understand they are both considered part of the greater Dallas/Forth Worth area, so I refer to the area as Dallas. Maybe that's wrong.

[Anonymous]

I think you should at least try to find something. You might be surprised and he has supported and moved with you several times.

[Anonymous]

I also think that a big Dallas firm would love to have someone with your experience. The pay may be less because of the area but still good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's company is moving him to Irving, Texas next year and he insists on going with or without me. Currently, we live in DC, having moved from NYC for my job.

So far in our 8-year marriage, my husband has moved for my career. I am a litigation associate at a big law firm. We started out in NYC when I was a first year associate, moved to DC for me to clerk for a District Judge (prestigious in the legal profession) for a year, moved back to NYC for two years, then moved to DC for me to clerk again at the Court of Appeals. After clerking, I decided to go to a major DC-based firm with no NYC office, instead of back to NYC. My husband was upset, but had his transfer to DC finalized.

My husband works in financial sales. He has worked for the same company for over 10 years and did not have to leave because the company has both DC and NYC offices. The moves from office to office to accommodate my career have probably made it hard for him to rise in the company.

All of my contacts are in DC and NYC. My plan was to go to the SEC or DOJ if I were to leave big law. I have no idea what I would do in Dallas. I don't know if firms would hire someone as senior as me. Even if a firm would hire me, I don't know if they would really take me seriously. I do not want to be an AUSA and looking at USA Jobs for SEC positions in Dallas, those seem few and far between. I don't know what other government jobs are an option there. I love the idea of living in a warm, Southern city with a low cost of living, but I worry about what will happen to my career.

My husband feels it is my turn to support his career and that, with my credentials, I could make a go of it in Dallas if I wanted to. Does anyone have any advice as far as law firms to look at or going in house or government? I am not stuck on big law because I have been having doubts about the life of a junior partner, but I do want to be able to do meaningful, stable work with good pay. It seems I am going to have to arrive in Dallas with no job and then start looking. Is that career suicide?

In 20 years, do you want to sit next to your husband having coffee or do you want to wake up in an empty bed, roll over check your phone, and go into the office?

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids?

We have a two year old.

[Anonymous]

Divorce with a "great" career is not nearly as glamorous as you may think.

[Anonymous]

Look for a job in Dallas. I sort of agree with your husband, especially since you don't want to do big law forever it seems.

[Anonymous]

My company is located in Irving although I am based in DC. Due to the number of Fortune 500 companies located in the area there is a robust legal market both inhouse and at firms. I am from New England and I had the stereotypical opinion of the Dallas area and Texans in general and I can honestly say that my preconceived notions were completely wrong. I have worked with incredibly smart people from all over the world. The legal departments in particular have lawyers from the best law schools in the US and they are managing interesting cases.

I recommend you reach out to your network and see who lives in the area so you can get firsthand knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My company is located in Irving although I am based in DC. Due to the number of Fortune 500 companies located in the area there is a robust legal market both inhouse and at firms. I am from New England and I had the stereotypical opinion of the Dallas area and Texans in general and I can honestly say that my preconceived notions were completely wrong. I have worked with incredibly smart people from all over the world. The legal departments in particular have lawyers from the best law schools in the US and they are managing interesting cases.

I recommend you reach out to your network and see who lives in the area so you can get firsthand knowledge.

But would they hire someone as senior as me with no connections to the Dallas area?

-OP

[Anonymous]

You need to at least try to find something. You don't end a marriage and try to coparent a 2 year old cross country because you SUSPECT you're too senior to find something. Fwiw, I think he's right it's your turn to be supportive of him.

[Anonymous]

You're not even going to try to look? Why are you talking yourself out of it before making an effort?

[Anonymous]

You both need to go to marriage counseling.

Clearly he resents having moved for your career, but realistically someone's career has to come first typically it is the one that brings in the mist financial security to the family. If both can do well in the same geographic region, that is bonus.

For him at this point to unilaterally say "my way or the highway" shows that there has been a disconnect for some time. Is he planning on taking the kid too? Or did he just presume that becomes your default responsibility?

Maybe it is "his turn."

Maybe it isn't.

But these decisions have to be made in light of what is best for the family, not the individual, if the idea is to stay together.

If he is already checked out-get a lawyer. But try counseling first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to at least try to find something. You don't end a marriage and try to coparent a 2 year old cross country because you SUSPECT you're too senior to find something. Fwiw, I think he's right it's your turn to be supportive of him.

ITA. The subject line on this post is crazy to me, considering that it's a pretty solvable problem people face all the time, and because there don't seem to be relationship issues, and the OP likes the idea of living someplace warmer.

Here's the plan: you start looking, networking, applying. You try to get something. If you don't, you decide between staying in DC and commuting for awhile or moving, not working for awhile and continuing to look. Maybe you transition slightly to something related. Maybe you could work remotely for a DC-based org.