Career or divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

She shouldn't "give it up" because she's a woman. First, as many PP have posted, moving to Dallas wouldn't be giving up her career. Second, her husband has moved several times for her career, and he justifiably feels like its her turn to make sacrifices for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you are all emphasizing my daughter. She will go wherever we go. If we split, she will spend part of her time with each of us. I am not saying we will split. I am asking for advice on the Dallas market. Which big law firms are prominent there? Which areas of law should a litigator emphasize?

Give me a break. You're a biglaw senior (as am I) in DC and you can't name the biglaw firms in Dallas off the top of your head? You really don't know that Akin Gump and V&E are huge there? You really don't know that complex commercial lit is the big litigation sector for big firms? You really have no one else you can ask besides a bunch of non lawyers on DCUM? Maybe look on LinkedIn and see who from your law school class ended up in Dallas and where they work? Maybe call one of the TWO judges you clerked for - if you're close - and talk with them, as sometimes judges are good sounding boards for their clerks forever.

As for a split not being a big deal bc she'll spend time with both of you -- think about it. This isn't a split where you'd be living down the road from each other so she could do M-W with you and R-S with her dad. This is across the country, so essentially one person gets her full time. She'll be at least 12 before she can fly to the other parent for a weekend as an unaccompanied minor. So that means for the next decade, whichever parent isn't with her -- if they care -- is flying back and forth to Dallas or DC to try to get to know their daughter in hopes that when she's a teen/preteen she will want to spend summers with that other parent. If that's how it works out, fine. But it IS a big deal.

Right. And did you also not realize that the SEC has a DFW regional office? And the USAO has an office there too? You really won't consider those things bc you'd have to apply thru USAJobs rather than thru connections? I got a job at SEC here in DC with ZERO connections as I was coming from a different city (and I mean in 2015 - not 20 yrs ago), so don't act like it isn't possible unless you at least attempt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

Hopefully this poster is not married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

I may agree with you IF he was moving her to Alaska or rural Oklahoma or someplace like that where she could not practice or her only choice would be to hang up a shingle and write wills. Yet he is asking her to move to one of the biggest cities in the south where there are big law firms, medium law firms, TONS of corporations, and a SEC office; chances are she COULD find something to do that she'd find fulfilling, yet she doesn't even want to try.

OP -- is this REALLY about making partner? Meaning you think you have a shot but don't want to move bc it'll mess it up? Bc if that's the case that's a different discussion. But I'm not sure if that's the case bc you mention exits to SEC and DOJ.

[Anonymous]

This is a marriage issue! The career questions really can't be answered until she gets her marriage straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you are all emphasizing my daughter. She will go wherever we go. If we split, she will spend part of her time with each of us. I am not saying we will split. I am asking for advice on the Dallas market. Which big law firms are prominent there? Which areas of law should a litigator emphasize?

Give me a break. You're a biglaw senior (as am I) in DC and you can't name the biglaw firms in Dallas off the top of your head? You really don't know that Akin Gump and V&E are huge there? You really don't know that complex commercial lit is the big litigation sector for big firms? You really have no one else you can ask besides a bunch of non lawyers on DCUM? Maybe look on LinkedIn and see who from your law school class ended up in Dallas and where they work? Maybe call one of the TWO judges you clerked for - if you're close - and talk with them, as sometimes judges are good sounding boards for their clerks forever.

As for a split not being a big deal bc she'll spend time with both of you -- think about it. This isn't a split where you'd be living down the road from each other so she could do M-W with you and R-S with her dad. This is across the country, so essentially one person gets her full time. She'll be at least 12 before she can fly to the other parent for a weekend as an unaccompanied minor. So that means for the next decade, whichever parent isn't with her -- if they care -- is flying back and forth to Dallas or DC to try to get to know their daughter in hopes that when she's a teen/preteen she will want to spend summers with that other parent. If that's how it works out, fine. But it IS a big deal.

Yeah, your request on prominent Dallas firms is nonsense if you have half the credentials you claim. Having no interest in or connection to TX I can think of quite a few other prominent Texas firms and, as someone pointed out, three minutes on google could give you plenty more. Nice try to twist your original question - which had nothing to do with the Dallas market - after rightly getting pilloried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

I may agree with you IF he was moving her to Alaska or rural Oklahoma or someplace like that where she could not practice or her only choice would be to hang up a shingle and write wills. Yet he is asking her to move to one of the biggest cities in the south where there are big law firms, medium law firms, TONS of corporations, and a SEC office; chances are she COULD find something to do that she'd find fulfilling, yet she doesn't even want to try.

OP -- is this REALLY about making partner? Meaning you think you have a shot but don't want to move bc it'll mess it up? Bc if that's the case that's a different discussion. But I'm not sure if that's the case bc you mention exits to SEC and DOJ.

OP, I would ask your husband to go to a therapist together to discuss and work this out with a neutral party. People are giving you a hard time because you make breaking up your family seem like no big deal. I don't agree with the way your husband has presented his ultimatum. This is not the way mature people discuss a huge issue like moving to a new city. I am guessing there are big problems in your marriage. Perhaps you see this as an opportunity to end it. A therapist will help you both work through these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

Not at all. I'd think a husband and father throwing away his family for his career is a terrible person, too.

[Anonymous]

Ok OP -- instead of just bashing you, how about coming up with a plan?

You say DH's company would move NEXT YEAR. We're only in the beginning of April -- so you have AT LEAST 8 months to look for a job even if you don't start until May 1; and that's if the move happens precisely Jan 1, which it may or may not.

First decide if you even want to try to look. If you do, I would (i) call a recruiter (ask your friends for a rec and esp. ask your friends formerly at your firm who've moved on -- likely they spoke to a recruiter at some point). Talk to the recruiter about your seniority, how hot/not the Dallas market is, what they think the timing would be. Some will be very honest in telling a 13th yr associate (which you're not) that no biglaw firm will take them and they ought to be considering smaller firms. And (ii) I'd call one or both of your judges and get lunch with them. Judges are typically older and have been around forever and you are NOT the first of their former clerks who need to move. Maybe they have ideas on people to connect with. Maybe they know their fellow judges have sent a few former clerks to Dallas and can connect you with them. You just never know. And even if your judges know nothing about Tx. firms, chances are they'll have some insight re the SEC and DOJ. Maybe they can even hook you up with yet another clerkship that can launch a legal career in Texas.

Those are 2 starting points. Give yourself some time to wrap your brain around this and then set a deadline that says -- by May 15 (or 30) I will have done these 2 things and set a "plan" for myself.

It's one thing if you give it a go for 8 months and get ZERO interest or offers. But if you do nothing and say "I can't get a job there," your DH will rightfully wave in your face that he moved 4 times in 8 yrs for you, for clerkships that are "optional" in a legal career, and bc of that as you say -- he has probably cost himself some promotions and here you are not even willing to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

Not at all. I'd think a husband and father throwing away his family for his career is a terrible person, too.

"So far in our 8-year marriage, my husband has moved for my career. I am a litigation associate at a big law firm. We started out in NYC when I was a first year associate, moved to DC for me to clerk for a District Judge (prestigious in the legal profession) for a year, moved back to NYC for two years, then moved to DC for me to clerk again at the Court of Appeals. After clerking, I decided to go to a major DC-based firm with no NYC office, instead of back to NYC. My husband was upset, but had his transfer to DC finalized."

It looks like it is his turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

Not at all. I'd think a husband and father throwing away his family for his career is a terrible person, too.

"So far in our 8-year marriage, my husband has moved for my career. I am a litigation associate at a big law firm. We started out in NYC when I was a first year associate, moved to DC for me to clerk for a District Judge (prestigious in the legal profession) for a year, moved back to NYC for two years, then moved to DC for me to clerk again at the Court of Appeals. After clerking, I decided to go to a major DC-based firm with no NYC office, instead of back to NYC. My husband was upset, but had his transfer to DC finalized."

It looks like it is his turn.

Seriously. There are only a handful of DC firms with no NYC office and OP had to pick THAT one?? She really couldn't have sucked it up and gone to a NYC firm after he had moved for TWO clerkships and esp knowing that his financial sales career would probably be better off in NYC?? I'm thinking he's sick of being the trailing spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Right. And did you also not realize that the SEC has a DFW regional office? And the USAO has an office there too? You really won't consider those things bc you'd have to apply thru USAJobs rather than thru connections? I got a job at SEC here in DC with ZERO connections as I was coming from a different city (and I mean in 2015 - not 20 yrs ago), so don't act like it isn't possible unless you at least attempt it.

NP. What do you think helped you stand out from other applicants in landing the SEC gig? Are you an enforcement attorney or working in a different area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

Not at all. I'd think a husband and father throwing away his family for his career is a terrible person, too.

As has been repeatedly noted, OP has not been asked to "throw away her career." In any case, I think someone who wouldn't make at least some sacrifices in their career for their family is a "terrible person." I work to live, not live to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Right. And did you also not realize that the SEC has a DFW regional office? And the USAO has an office there too? You really won't consider those things bc you'd have to apply thru USAJobs rather than thru connections? I got a job at SEC here in DC with ZERO connections as I was coming from a different city (and I mean in 2015 - not 20 yrs ago), so don't act like it isn't possible unless you at least attempt it.

NP. What do you think helped you stand out from other applicants in landing the SEC gig? Are you an enforcement attorney or working in a different area?

I think it's bc I am a biglaw litigator who WAS willing to go to a division other than enforcement. I think Enforcement gets thousands of apps per opening, while the other divisions may get hundreds -- so they do take more time to review credentials and you do stand out more if you cast your net broadly and don't take on a "enforcement or bust" mentality. Other than that, nothing much -- I have credentials similar to OP, though only 1 clerkship rather than 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the shitheads giving you a hard time and telling you to suck it up and move!!!! Sooooo sexist. You have a great career here, why should you give it up just because you're a woman? I would not move. Sometimes relationships just don't work out because of circumstance. This may be one of those situations.

I have a great career too, which I didn't want to sacrifice. So guess what -- I didn't marry and have a kid until I was ready to sacrifice; and if I wasn't ready, I would have stayed single. Point is -- OP's DH has moved for her FOUR times in EIGHT years. This isn't a man who won't sacrifice for a woman's career, yet she won't even CONSIDER the idea of sacrificing for him by even calling a headhunter and figuring out the Dallas market before she throws in the towel.

Because she is on a great career track and the places she wants to work at in the future - the SEC or DOJ - are on the east coast. She'd probably be fine if he wanted NYC but he wants Texas.