Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it really any different than him taking you somewhere he really doesn't want to go. Sometimes we have just do things for our spouse out of love.

I would say that it's less like him taking me to a movie he didnt particularly want to see and more like him telling me about his insecurities at work that day, and why he came home in a bad mood, then listening to what I had to say about it and actively paying attention and responding for about 15-20 minutes. As a woman, I would like to do this every day, and it would make me feel closer to my husband and very cared for. However, what I get is about once a week, I always have to initiate, and even then he seems kind of half-hearted and disinterested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it really any different than him taking you somewhere he really doesn't want to go. Sometimes we have just do things for our spouse out of love.

I would say that it's less like him taking me to a movie he didnt particularly want to see and more like him telling me about his insecurities at work that day, and why he came home in a bad mood, then listening to what I had to say about it and actively paying attention and responding for about 15-20 minutes. As a woman, I would like to do this every day, and it would make me feel closer to my husband and very cared for. However, what I get is about once a week, I always have to initiate, and even then he seems kind of half-hearted and disinterested.

Have you told him this or do you expect that he knows it and what he should do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it really any different than him taking you somewhere he really doesn't want to go. Sometimes we have just do things for our spouse out of love.

I would say that it's less like him taking me to a movie he didnt particularly want to see and more like him telling me about his insecurities at work that day, and why he came home in a bad mood, then listening to what I had to say about it and actively paying attention and responding for about 15-20 minutes. As a woman, I would like to do this every day, and it would make me feel closer to my husband and very cared for. However, what I get is about once a week, I always have to initiate, and even then he seems kind of half-hearted and disinterested.

I'm pretty sure most women find men's insecurities to be a turn off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so hard for me to respect my spouse since he doesn't want oral sex from me on a frequent basis. I swear most men would love a wife who wants to perform frequent oral sex, am I right?

Yes. You are right.

[Anonymous]

I have low drive and I try for DH but for a long time he was the one with low drive and didn't seem all that concerned about it. Maybe I am resentful. I love DH but honestly when you don't want sex it feels almost like a violation to go through with it.

[Anonymous]

Wait. Hold the phone. OP, you have had sex one (1) time in two (2) years? Plus one BJ and two HJs?
You say you aren't looking for full-on sex? You only try to kiss and cuddle?
Meanwhile, you are still meeting her needs, you are not cheating, and you are staying together?

I have to believe this is a troll post. No man could be this hopelessly passive for so long.
But in case you are for real, you need to go immediately to the nearest library and read these books, cover to cover, twice:
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

No offense OP, but I think the problem is actually you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it is emotional. I can't get passed mean thing DH said in the past.

I hear this a lot. It goes back to the horse and cart theory. If a man refuses to communicate or resolve a issue, the woman isn't likely to want as much sex. One of my friends was cheated on by her spouse. She stayed married but didn't want much sex with him after that. Obligation sex was about it.

Another lady had issues with her in-laws because her husband let them walk all over her. He wouldn't put her first, in return she didn't put his needs first.

This.. for me. Even if he tries to change it, there's the past. It's hard to let go. It takes time to heal. I don't want to have sex with someone I'm angry with, resent, or dislike. Plus, it doesn't help that he's not that great at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it really any different than him taking you somewhere he really doesn't want to go. Sometimes we have just do things for our spouse out of love.

I would say that it's less like him taking me to a movie he didnt particularly want to see and more like him telling me about his insecurities at work that day, and why he came home in a bad mood, then listening to what I had to say about it and actively paying attention and responding for about 15-20 minutes. As a woman, I would like to do this every day, and it would make me feel closer to my husband and very cared for. However, what I get is about once a week, I always have to initiate, and even then he seems kind of half-hearted and disinterested.

Have you told him this or do you expect that he knows it and what he should do about it?

Told him that i want to know what he is thinking? Yes. What he should do about it is tell me what he is thinking and listen to what I am thinking about and worried about. To me it seems obvious that this is what you should do with someone you love and care about. He struggles with it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it really any different than him taking you somewhere he really doesn't want to go. Sometimes we have just do things for our spouse out of love.

I would say that it's less like him taking me to a movie he didnt particularly want to see and more like him telling me about his insecurities at work that day, and why he came home in a bad mood, then listening to what I had to say about it and actively paying attention and responding for about 15-20 minutes. As a woman, I would like to do this every day, and it would make me feel closer to my husband and very cared for. However, what I get is about once a week, I always have to initiate, and even then he seems kind of half-hearted and disinterested.

Have you told him this or do you expect that he knows it and what he should do about it?

Told him that i want to know what he is thinking? Yes. What he should do about it is tell me what he is thinking and listen to what I am thinking about and worried about. To me it seems obvious that this is what you should do with someone you love and care about. He struggles with it though.

Then its the same scenario OP is referencing. Just insert emotional availability instead of sex.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it is emotional. I can't get passed mean thing DH said in the past.

I hear this a lot. It goes back to the horse and cart theory. If a man refuses to communicate or resolve a issue, the woman isn't likely to want as much sex. One of my friends was cheated on by her spouse. She stayed married but didn't want much sex with him after that. Obligation sex was about it.

Another lady had issues with her in-laws because her husband let them walk all over her. He wouldn't put her first, in return she didn't put his needs first.

This.. for me. Even if he tries to change it, there's the past. It's hard to let go. It takes time to heal. I don't want to have sex with someone I'm angry with, resent, or dislike. Plus, it doesn't help that he's not that great at it.

Wow there are a lot of things packed in there:

1. He is doing a bad thing.
2. He did bad things in the past.
3. I resent him for the bad things he used to do.
4. I am angry at him.
5. I dislike him.
6. He's bad at sex.

So, in order for you guys to start having sex, he has to stop doing the bad thing. You have to start liking him. You have to stop being angry at him. He has to somehow get good at sex. And, some arbitrary and indeterminate amount of time has to pass so you stop resenting him. Also too: hope your hormones and health are in relatively good shape when all this other crap gets cleared up and don't develop any new resentments in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm only low drive for spouse. Was not low drive for ap.

Curious why? Is AP just more exciting or is spouse a dud/makes you unhappy? Just wondering what makes you high for AP but low for spouse?

Others have touched on this in other posts. I had some emotional issues. Some unresolved anger toward Dh (working through that, though) and frustration and his neglect and lack of appreciation. While we were sexually good at the start we were never great. And yeah, he's gained some weight, but I could have predicted that. But our sex life was always on the flat side. And probably being together for 20 years ads in a huge element of boredom.

With AP it was never flat. We had great chemistry. Maybe AP was less available, and that made me want him more. Physically, it felt as though our bodies were made for each other And we weren't together long enough for me to find things about him that annoyed me. But we were only together for 7 months.

[Anonymous]

OP, my lower drive husband told me that he knew it hurt me not to feel wanted, but he wasn't willing to fake it. Then our kids got older and now our frequency is within an acceptable range (and I've learned coping strategies so his lower drive doesn't sting as much).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Hold the phone. OP, you have had sex one (1) time in two (2) years? Plus one BJ and two HJs?
You say you aren't looking for full-on sex? You only try to kiss and cuddle?
Meanwhile, you are still meeting her needs, you are not cheating, and you are staying together?

I have to believe this is a troll post. No man could be this hopelessly passive for so long.
But in case you are for real, you need to go immediately to the nearest library and read these books, cover to cover, twice:
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

No offense OP, but I think the problem is actually you.

OP, this is harsh but good advice. I haven't read these books, but you need to stop tolerating this as acceptable. There are many ways to convey this, everything from being less available to cheating, but you can't let your wife possibly believe the status quo can remain. As the cheating wife said in a comment just above here, what turned her on was, in part, her AP being less available. Don't be so available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Hold the phone. OP, you have had sex one (1) time in two (2) years? Plus one BJ and two HJs?
You say you aren't looking for full-on sex? You only try to kiss and cuddle?
Meanwhile, you are still meeting her needs, you are not cheating, and you are staying together?

I have to believe this is a troll post. No man could be this hopelessly passive for so long.
But in case you are for real, you need to go immediately to the nearest library and read these books, cover to cover, twice:
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover
The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

No offense OP, but I think the problem is actually you.

OP, this is harsh but good advice. I haven't read these books, but you need to stop tolerating this as acceptable. There are many ways to convey this, everything from being less available to cheating, but you can't let your wife possibly believe the status quo can remain. As the cheating wife said in a comment just above here, what turned her on was, in part, her AP being less available. Don't be so available.

OP here-thanks for the advice, I am familiar with no more Mr. Nice Guy and those types of strategies. I have not read them all but I did start focusing on me, that was the consensus guidance. She did notice, but it just made her withdraw more, not drew her towards me. It had the converse effect. I get that the theory is be the best you and if she doesn't like it tough for her, but I am not sure if I am willing to dissolve my marriage around this.

[Anonymous]

Oh this is the cheating wife from above. Those book recommendations reminded me that Dh is probably somewhat passive, and yeah, it is a huge turn off.. He read No more Mr nice guy and hated it. Refused to believe it.

Also, garlic breath sucks. And make sure you wash your balls before bed, and try to sweeten up the taste of your cum with pineapple juice.