Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

You'll eventually remove him from the sexual part of you. You'll start to think he's a loser sexually.

The behavior he shows when he doesn't get any on the rare occasion he puts out shows how selfish he is.

My husband is low drive and will do things like pull out his penis and show it to me (like when watching tv) and then act surprised I don't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure I'll get flamed but women are hardwired to be pursued and to need enticement. Men are hardwired to go after it. I tried to get my ex to entice me by many affectionate gestures and the occasional compliment but he just didn't want to do the work. So really, who had the lower-than-normal sex drive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you had sex once in two years and she got pregnant from that single occasion, and now you have a 9 month old? I've never said this here because it's usually so obnoxious, but could she be having an affair? I mean really, once and she's pregnant?

OP here. We did IVF.

My mind is officially blown that you went out of your way to have a baby with someone who hadn't slept with you for 6 months. I know it's not helpful but I can't understand that.

I've been on both sides of the high/low drive divide. Right now I'm medium I guess. To behave how she is, she must have some serious reason not to want sex, or she just doesn't give a shit about your feelings. She's not even pretending to try. If demand couples therapy or leave. Think about feeling this way for the rest of your life. Maybe in therapy you can get to the root of the issue.

OP here- Thank you. I guess my numbers were off a little bit, it has been more like 18 months. We were having sex when we were trying to get pregnant for 3 years, but it was 1 or 2 times a month around her fertile period and solely for the sake of pregnancy, with no real sexual contact aside from that. I understood how painful this was situation was to us so I did not press or feel hurt by the lack of sexual contact. The thing that is hard is that she says she is trying. One example is that she said that we should sleep naked, which is nice, but she just lies on her side of the bed and I lie on mine. There is some cuddling but then my arm hurts(had an injury when I was younger) so I have to move away after a while and she gets pissed, but nothing related to sexual contact. Also, she said we should shower together, which is also nice, but she doesn't want me to touch her any more than just washing her and vice versa. So yes she is technically "trying" but it does not accomplish anything towards why I feel hurt.

Wow. You left a big thing out of your OP. You were striggling with infertility, only having sex to try to get pregnant for 3 years? I haven't dealt with infertility, but I really can't imGine anyone NOT struggling with sex after that. Have you talked with her about her feelings about this?
I kind of wonder if she feels like you don't care about her if you can't connect your fertility issues to her disinterest in sex.
Also, Meeting women on their level is not cuddling when you would like to do more. Meeting your wife on her level is having honest two-sided conversations about difficult and important subjects. Maybe if you can do that three times a week, She might start to feel interested in having sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed but women are hardwired to be pursued and to need enticement. Men are hardwired to go after it. I tried to get my ex to entice me by many affectionate gestures and the occasional compliment but he just didn't want to do the work. So really, who had the lower-than-normal sex drive?

I agree with this, at least for me. One problem is that I want DH to be the dominant one in sex - but he wants me to be. This is such a turn off to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed but women are hardwired to be pursued and to need enticement. Men are hardwired to go after it. I tried to get my ex to entice me by many affectionate gestures and the occasional compliment but he just didn't want to do the work. So really, who had the lower-than-normal sex drive?

I agree with this, at least for me. One problem is that I want DH to be the dominant one in sex - but he wants me to be. This is such a turn off to me!

It's unrealistic to expect equality out of the bedroom but dominance in the bedroom. Makes one or the other feel like an act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

You'll eventually remove him from the sexual part of you. You'll start to think he's a loser sexually.

The behavior he shows when he doesn't get any on the rare occasion he puts out shows how selfish he is.

My husband is low drive and will do things like pull out his penis and show it to me (like when watching tv) and then act surprised I don't want to do it.

My DH does things like this too. I am the LDS and this makes me even more LD. I have told him this many, many times. It is not funny nor is it a turn-on. It makes me feel like I have a 12-yo in the house and, honestly, if I were attracted to 12yos, we'd have an even bigger problem on our hands. So, doing things like this to your LD female spouse will do NOTHING to remedy the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed but women are hardwired to be pursued and to need enticement. Men are hardwired to go after it. I tried to get my ex to entice me by many affectionate gestures and the occasional compliment but he just didn't want to do the work. So really, who had the lower-than-normal sex drive?

I agree with this, at least for me. One problem is that I want DH to be the dominant one in sex - but he wants me to be. This is such a turn off to me!

It's unrealistic to expect equality out of the bedroom but dominance in the bedroom. Makes one or the other feel like an act.

Easy Solution -- man should be more dominant outside the bedroom as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed but women are hardwired to be pursued and to need enticement. Men are hardwired to go after it. I tried to get my ex to entice me by many affectionate gestures and the occasional compliment but he just didn't want to do the work. So really, who had the lower-than-normal sex drive?

I agree with this, at least for me. One problem is that I want DH to be the dominant one in sex - but he wants me to be. This is such a turn off to me!

It's unrealistic to expect equality out of the bedroom but dominance in the bedroom. Makes one or the other feel like an act.

Actually not really. I don't think it's accurate to think one's sexual preferences are in line with their role in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'm only low drive for spouse. Was not low drive for ap.

[Anonymous]

It's so hard for me to respect my spouse since he doesn't want oral sex from me on a frequent basis. I swear most men would love a wife who wants to perform frequent oral sex, am I right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed but women are hardwired to be pursued and to need enticement. Men are hardwired to go after it. I tried to get my ex to entice me by many affectionate gestures and the occasional compliment but he just didn't want to do the work. So really, who had the lower-than-normal sex drive?

I agree with this, at least for me. One problem is that I want DH to be the dominant one in sex - but he wants me to be. This is such a turn off to me!

This has been one of the issues with me and my low drive husband. He seems to have this need for me to pursue him romantically before sex. He claims he needs cuddling and kissing. It's such a turnoff to me. I want a man who is ready to go and wants some X.

[Anonymous]

Is it really any different than him taking you somewhere he really doesn't want to go. Sometimes we have just do things for our spouse out of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed but women are hardwired to be pursued and to need enticement. Men are hardwired to go after it. I tried to get my ex to entice me by many affectionate gestures and the occasional compliment but he just didn't want to do the work. So really, who had the lower-than-normal sex drive?

I don't think it's hardwired. Supply and demand being what it is, women have the upper hand when it comes to sex. So, of course they'd prefer to be the passive recipients of attention and pleasure. Men can't just sit back, wait, and enjoy. If they did, they'd never have sex at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

You'll eventually remove him from the sexual part of you. You'll start to think he's a loser sexually.

The behavior he shows when he doesn't get any on the rare occasion he puts out shows how selfish he is.

My husband is low drive and will do things like pull out his penis and show it to me (like when watching tv) and then act surprised I don't want to do it.

Oh wow, that's so gross. Slightly OT, but I'll never understand why men think that a woman would be turned on by seeing a dick. Personally, I find them repulsive to look at but then again, I am the LDS so go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm only low drive for spouse. Was not low drive for ap.

Curious why? Is AP just more exciting or is spouse a dud/makes you unhappy? Just wondering what makes you high for AP but low for spouse?