Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the LDS. DH is so mean to me and has said so many cutting things that I cannot pull up the emotion to try. I get that it means caring/connection to him on an intellectual level, but he has ripped me down so much, I have nothing to give, and I fear that opening up to him will only expose me to more hurt. At this point, I am emotionally in survival mode and self protection mode.

Who would want to ever touch someone who was so cruel to you? You need out, PP.

[Anonymous]

Would you be willing to lower your sex drive? There are plenty of safe and effective drugs for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the LDS. DH is so mean to me and has said so many cutting things that I cannot pull up the emotion to try. I get that it means caring/connection to him on an intellectual level, but he has ripped me down so much, I have nothing to give, and I fear that opening up to him will only expose me to more hurt. At this point, I am emotionally in survival mode and self protection mode.

this is me ... working on getting my affairs in order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you be willing to lower your sex drive? There are plenty of safe and effective drugs for this.

+1

[Anonymous]

"The point of this thread and my question is more for why Low Drive Spouses can't or won't compromise"

Because they can! The proof is that you rewarded your wife's bad behavior by going out of your way to reproduce with her. Who does that? What were you thinking?

Your wife probably thinks you are a chump who will put up with crap, because you do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be willing to lower your sex drive? There are plenty of safe and effective drugs for this.

+1

He doesn't need to. He's been 2 years without sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was she always like this or is it new? Low drive can be looked at same way as depression, there's often a chemical cause in addition to the circumstances (kids tired etc). Do you guys have any intimacy? I would talk about that first since you really do need that in a marriage. Sounds like you have not just low drive issues but intimacy and being close issues (given you saying no making out etc).
At my peak of low drive due to pregnancy I wanted nothing to do with intercourse but I still wanted to touch and kiss and cuddle with my husband to be close to him. That got us through that patch.
Do you kiss and hug her with a clear understanding that nothing further is required?

OP-Thanks. This is not entirely new, she was never as sexual as I was, and I understood that and was ok with that and the level we had. It has completely stopped, we have had sex one time in 2 years (one BJ and two Hj's in this time period as well). We did have a child 9 months ago, and I understand the hormones and challenges of that, but again, I am not looking for full sex, just some type of contact that shows she cares that this is painful to me. I do try to kiss and cuddle with her without the goal of sex, but I always end up breaking eventually. What I mean is that I go for like 3 or 4 weeks of this kind of interaction but she doesn't make any changes in her behavior, so I end up getting frustrated. I get frustrated that I work to meet her where she is but won't do anything to meet me where I am.

Oh god now with these details I'm really worried you are my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you had sex once in two years and she got pregnant from that single occasion, and now you have a 9 month old? I've never said this here because it's usually so obnoxious, but could she be having an affair? I mean really, once and she's pregnant?

OP here. We did IVF.

My mind is officially blown that you went out of your way to have a baby with someone who hadn't slept with you for 6 months. I know it's not helpful but I can't understand that.

I've been on both sides of the high/low drive divide. Right now I'm medium I guess. To behave how she is, she must have some serious reason not to want sex, or she just doesn't give a shit about your feelings. She's not even pretending to try. If demand couples therapy or leave. Think about feeling this way for the rest of your life. Maybe in therapy you can get to the root of the issue.

OP here- Thank you. I guess my numbers were off a little bit, it has been more like 18 months. We were having sex when we were trying to get pregnant for 3 years, but it was 1 or 2 times a month around her fertile period and solely for the sake of pregnancy, with no real sexual contact aside from that. I understood how painful this was situation was to us so I did not press or feel hurt by the lack of sexual contact. The thing that is hard is that she says she is trying. One example is that she said that we should sleep naked, which is nice, but she just lies on her side of the bed and I lie on mine. There is some cuddling but then my arm hurts(had an injury when I was younger) so I have to move away after a while and she gets pissed, but nothing related to sexual contact. Also, she said we should shower together, which is also nice, but she doesn't want me to touch her any more than just washing her and vice versa. So yes she is technically "trying" but it does not accomplish anything towards why I feel hurt.

[Anonymous]

My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

[Anonymous]

Okay, IVF veteran here. It's really hard to read your note because you have super valid points. I just know for me, as the LDS, that all the hormones and pregnancy and breastfeeding have taken a HUGE toll on my drive. It's to the point where I really, really don't WANT to do it. And I feel like it would be really weird to have sex with someone to please them when I actively am against the idea of sex for myself. It's not something like I can just suck it up and take out the trash; sex for me is really vulnerable-making

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the LDS. DH is so mean to me and has said so many cutting things that I cannot pull up the emotion to try. I get that it means caring/connection to him on an intellectual level, but he has ripped me down so much, I have nothing to give, and I fear that opening up to him will only expose me to more hurt. At this point, I am emotionally in survival mode and self protection mode.

Who would want to ever touch someone who was so cruel to you? You need out, PP.

I am probably staying for financial reasons. We have two kids with SNs who are on his medical insurance plan and I work 1/2 days so that I can run them around to appointments and such the other 1/2 of the days. Being part-time, I do not have medical through my work but through his, and I only make a little bit of $$.

He is probably going to seek out a separation and then divorce once the kids are bigger, though. He lobs this at me during arguments.

His parents had a similarly awful marriage and then have settled into an amicable truce once the kids were grown and they are now retired with less stress. I guess that is the best I am hoping for?

Also, we are Catholic and I really believe in fighting for marriage, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

Seriously?? That's a entire different ball game. Nope, I wouldn't ever have sex with him again. I value my health too much.

Wow how did you find out he had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be willing to lower your sex drive? There are plenty of safe and effective drugs for this.

+1

He doesn't need to. He's been 2 years without sex.

But not happy about it. If he lowered it more, he'd be fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Fertility issues can really take a toll on sex drive. Esp. if you were LDS to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Have you specifically asked your wife this, OP?