Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Relations are downright painful, due to a medical condition I have recently developed. The meds for keeping this condition from snowballing into major surgery territory also kill my drive.

So, yeah. Not fun at all.

In your situation the only issue is you staying healthy.

[Anonymous]

When you have talked about this, have you explained that not having sex hurts you, makes you feel unloved etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you ask her to go to counseling? I know I need it.

I'm low drive now. Didn't used to be. It's a combination of too much to do, never enough sleep, and an emotional issue I have with my husband. He was doing drugs and drinking too much for the first couple of years of our marriage, and I didn't know about the drug use at all. He was extremely mean and called me a whore (I'm the furthest thing from it. He just hated that I had a sexual past at all). And at the same time, he wanted to start trying new things sexually. So I've always associated the request for being more free and uninhibited in bed with him with his mean behavior.

He gave up drinking and drugging about 5 years ago. But I can't get past that horrible experience with the man who's supposed to be my life partner. We have sex 1-2 times a week, but I'm still very inhibited. I know it could be better.

I say all this in case there are some emotional issues, or trust issues, or something similar in your marriage. That could be a killer.

OP here. Thank you for your response and I am sorry that you had this experience with your husband. I could completely appreciate and understand your Low Drive in this situation, and your husband would hold a huge amount of responsibility in creating this situation. I am not aware of anything, and she has not said anything when I have asked her, that would lead me to believe that there is anything I have done that undermined our relationship. The only thing I can think of is that I started socially smoking again a few years ago and I lied to her about it when she caught me, but that was a brief period and it was after the decline in sex had started. I apologized and stopped.

[Anonymous]

So you had sex once in two years and she got pregnant from that single occasion, and now you have a 9 month old? I've never said this here because it's usually so obnoxious, but could she be having an affair? I mean really, once and she's pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it is emotional. I can't get passed mean thing DH said in the past.

I hear this a lot. It goes back to the horse and cart theory. If a man refuses to communicate or resolve a issue, the woman isn't likely to want as much sex. One of my friends was cheated on by her spouse. She stayed married but didn't want much sex with him after that. Obligation sex was about it.

Another lady had issues with her in-laws because her husband let them walk all over her. He wouldn't put her first, in return she didn't put his needs first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you have talked about this, have you explained that not having sex hurts you, makes you feel unloved etc?

Yes, I have very clearly and not in a fight. She said she understands how it makes me feel. That is what makes it even more painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you had sex once in two years and she got pregnant from that single occasion, and now you have a 9 month old? I've never said this here because it's usually so obnoxious, but could she be having an affair? I mean really, once and she's pregnant?

OP here. We did IVF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be surprised if most women do "duty sex".

What is there to really know? You're expecting someone to value something as much as yourself, making a compromise to please you.

Do you give up your free time to do things you don't want to for her? It's the same thing.

You can't force her to like or enjoy something more then she truly does. No more than she could force you to enjoy knitting for example.

The only answer is a compromise like most issues in marriage.

Are you the same OP that continually asks these low libido questions, only rephrased differently each time. Either way, it's getting tiresome.

OP-Thank you. I agree completely. I understand that we have different values around sex and I don't expect her to value it as much as I do. Yes, I do a lot of stuff I don't want to do for her, becuase it is important. If it is just random stuff that is transient and doesn't matter a whole lot, I explain why I don't want to . But if there is something she said says is important to her I do. So in your example if my wife said that our marriage would really suffer if I didn't take up knitting becuase for some insane reason that is what she needed to feel like I loved her, I would take up knitting. I may not enjoy it but I would do it.

The point of this thread and my question is more for why Low Drive Spouses can't or won't compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I am the low-drive spouse in my relationship and two years sounds excessive. That's not cool. I'm a 1x week girl myself. I'm not always dying to have sex with my DH but he's a good guy and it makes him happy.

I was just about to post almost this same exact thing. I'm happy to take one for the team at least once a week. It keeps the husband happy. It's honestly not that much to ask. I think therapy may be in order here - and I am never one to suggest therapy. Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

I could tell you some reasons for "low drive," OP, but I don't think simply "low libido" is the problem here. Your wife is actually "no drive" - or is wholly avoiding/afraid of sex for some reason possibly unrelated to libido. Perhaps an affair, though frankly with IVF, pregnancy and a 9 mo old that seems unlikely. Perhaps a medical issues she is uncomfortable talking about. Perhaps she hates you. Who knows? I would have a very direct but gentle conversation with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be surprised if most women do "duty sex".

What is there to really know? You're expecting someone to value something as much as yourself, making a compromise to please you.

Do you give up your free time to do things you don't want to for her? It's the same thing.

You can't force her to like or enjoy something more then she truly does. No more than she could force you to enjoy knitting for example.

The only answer is a compromise like most issues in marriage.

Are you the same OP that continually asks these low libido questions, only rephrased differently each time. Either way, it's getting tiresome.

OP-Thank you. I agree completely. I understand that we have different values around sex and I don't expect her to value it as much as I do. Yes, I do a lot of stuff I don't want to do for her, becuase it is important. If it is just random stuff that is transient and doesn't matter a whole lot, I explain why I don't want to . But if there is something she said says is important to her I do. So in your example if my wife said that our marriage would really suffer if I didn't take up knitting becuase for some insane reason that is what she needed to feel like I loved her, I would take up knitting. I may not enjoy it but I would do it.

The point of this thread and my question is more for why Low Drive Spouses can't or won't compromise.

They DO compromise, all the time! Hence all these marriages where there is still sex but one person doesn't want it. The compromise is usually sex, but not as frequently as the high drive person would like and more than the low drive person would like.

Anyhow, OP, your issue actually has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with the fact that your spouse isn't willing to address a large issue in your marriage. The problem is either physical (there's something that is really keeping her from sex but she won't tell you what) or marital (she is angry at you or is otherwise frustrated and can't/won't express it.) I think at this point you both should see a counselor. If she won't go with you, go on your own. You guys have a marriage issue, not a sex issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be surprised if most women do "duty sex".

What is there to really know? You're expecting someone to value something as much as yourself, making a compromise to please you.

Do you give up your free time to do things you don't want to for her? It's the same thing.

You can't force her to like or enjoy something more then she truly does. No more than she could force you to enjoy knitting for example.

The only answer is a compromise like most issues in marriage.

Are you the same OP that continually asks these low libido questions, only rephrased differently each time. Either way, it's getting tiresome.

OP-Thank you. I agree completely. I understand that we have different values around sex and I don't expect her to value it as much as I do. Yes, I do a lot of stuff I don't want to do for her, becuase it is important. If it is just random stuff that is transient and doesn't matter a whole lot, I explain why I don't want to . But if there is something she said says is important to her I do. So in your example if my wife said that our marriage would really suffer if I didn't take up knitting becuase for some insane reason that is what she needed to feel like I loved her, I would take up knitting. I may not enjoy it but I would do it.

The point of this thread and my question is more for why Low Drive Spouses can't or won't compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't be surprised if most women do "duty sex".

What is there to really know? You're expecting someone to value something as much as yourself, making a compromise to please you.

Do you give up your free time to do things you don't want to for her? It's the same thing.

You can't force her to like or enjoy something more then she truly does. No more than she could force you to enjoy knitting for example.

The only answer is a compromise like most issues in marriage.

Are you the same OP that continually asks these low libido questions, only rephrased differently each time. Either way, it's getting tiresome.

OP-Thank you. I agree completely. I understand that we have different values around sex and I don't expect her to value it as much as I do. Yes, I do a lot of stuff I don't want to do for her, becuase it is important. If it is just random stuff that is transient and doesn't matter a whole lot, I explain why I don't want to . But if there is something she said says is important to her I do. So in your example if my wife said that our marriage would really suffer if I didn't take up knitting becuase for some insane reason that is what she needed to feel like I loved her, I would take up knitting. I may not enjoy it but I would do it.

The point of this thread and my question is more for why Low Drive Spouses can't or won't compromise.

I would try and get that answer from her. I don't see why she can't at least compromise...once a week perhaps.

It ranges from woman to woman. Low sex drive, not being attracted, another chore in a stressful life, resentments, health issues, not something they really enjoyed to begin with. I guarantee it's one or more of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you had sex once in two years and she got pregnant from that single occasion, and now you have a 9 month old? I've never said this here because it's usually so obnoxious, but could she be having an affair? I mean really, once and she's pregnant?

OP here. We did IVF.

My mind is officially blown that you went out of your way to have a baby with someone who hadn't slept with you for 6 months. I know it's not helpful but I can't understand that.

I've been on both sides of the high/low drive divide. Right now I'm medium I guess. To behave how she is, she must have some serious reason not to want sex, or she just doesn't give a shit about your feelings. She's not even pretending to try. If demand couples therapy or leave. Think about feeling this way for the rest of your life. Maybe in therapy you can get to the root of the issue.

[Anonymous]

I am the LDS. DH is so mean to me and has said so many cutting things that I cannot pull up the emotion to try. I get that it means caring/connection to him on an intellectual level, but he has ripped me down so much, I have nothing to give, and I fear that opening up to him will only expose me to more hurt. At this point, I am emotionally in survival mode and self protection mode.