Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it really any different than him taking you somewhere he really doesn't want to go. Sometimes we have just do things for our spouse out of love.

I would say that it's less like him taking me to a movie he didnt particularly want to see and more like him telling me about his insecurities at work that day, and why he came home in a bad mood, then listening to what I had to say about it and actively paying attention and responding for about 15-20 minutes. As a woman, I would like to do this every day, and it would make me feel closer to my husband and very cared for. However, what I get is about once a week, I always have to initiate, and even then he seems kind of half-hearted and disinterested.

Have you told him this or do you expect that he knows it and what he should do about it?

Told him that i want to know what he is thinking? Yes. What he should do about it is tell me what he is thinking and listen to what I am thinking about and worried about. To me it seems obvious that this is what you should do with someone you love and care about. He struggles with it though.

Then its the same scenario OP is referencing. Just insert emotional availability instead of sex.......

Right. That's what I said.
I think that my saying "honey, let's talk" generates the same emotional reaction from him as him initiating sex does with me sometimes. If I am not in the mood, it isn't like "oh, I don't want to watch that movie right now," it's more like, "what can I possibly do to get out of this...do you think he will notice if I just go through the motions?"

[Anonymous]

You people just won't shut up about your drive. Or lack of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people just won't shut up about your drive. Or lack of it.

And your captor has chosen DCUM threads for your Clockwork Orange Ludovico technique. Damn the luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people just won't shut up about your drive. Or lack of it.

It's the same whiner who keeps making up these threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people just won't shut up about your drive. Or lack of it.

It's the same whiner who keeps making up these threads.

In defense of these threads......

I highly doubt it's the same person. I had posted on this a year ago. The reason this topic pops up a lot is because sex (and money) are the top problems in a relationship. Consider this is DCUM, where the average wealth is higher, and suddenly sex issues are going to be more prevalent than money. Now add in the fact there are a lot of young parents, where the common dynamic of mom losing her desire when kids come and dad wonders what the hell happened.

I have learned a lot of great advice on these threads. Sure, you have to sort through the haters and the miserable people that cheer on conflict and divorce, but there are lots of practical suggestions (like the two people above me). It also helps to empathize with the low drive spouse when you can hear that voice articulated thoughtfully and anonymously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think that my saying "honey, let's talk" generates the same emotional reaction from him as him initiating sex does with me sometimes. If I am not in the mood, it isn't like "oh, I don't want to watch that movie right now," it's more like, "what can I possibly do to get out of this...do you think he will notice if I just go through the motions?"

Well maybe but "her just going through the motions" is much, much better than "her not cooperating at all".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people just won't shut up about your drive. Or lack of it.

It's the same whiner who keeps making up these threads.

In defense of these threads......

I highly doubt it's the same person. I had posted on this a year ago. The reason this topic pops up a lot is because sex (and money) are the top problems in a relationship. Consider this is DCUM, where the average wealth is higher, and suddenly sex issues are going to be more prevalent than money. Now add in the fact there are a lot of young parents, where the common dynamic of mom losing her desire when kids come and dad wonders what the hell happened.

I have learned a lot of great advice on these threads. Sure, you have to sort through the haters and the miserable people that cheer on conflict and divorce, but there are lots of practical suggestions (like the two people above me). It also helps to empathize with the low drive spouse when you can hear that voice articulated thoughtfully and anonymously.

Based on a lot of threads from women, the top issue for them is "my DH won't help more with chores/childcare".

[Anonymous]

"Based on a lot of threads from women, the top issue for them is "my DH won't help more with chores/childcare"

Such BS. It is as painful to be low drive as it is frustrating to be high drive. I would give anything to fix it. I want my spouse to be happy. If all I had to do to flip the switch was hire a babysitter and a housekeeper to help out, don't you think I would? What an insane thing to suggest and women are not saying that. If that is your take away you are not paying attention. This is a far more complicated subject than a dude not loading the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Based on a lot of threads from women, the top issue for them is "my DH won't help more with chores/childcare"

Such BS. It is as painful to be low drive as it is frustrating to be high drive. I would give anything to fix it. I want my spouse to be happy. If all I had to do to flip the switch was hire a babysitter and a housekeeper to help out, don't you think I would? What an insane thing to suggest and women are not saying that. If that is your take away you are not paying attention. This is a far more complicated subject than a dude not loading the dishwasher.

chillax. It was based on the voluminous threads on here about this very thing. I didn't make this up. Just read the threads. It's not reflective of everyone, but it does seem like based on the threads, that this is the case.

[Anonymous]

She may have resentment over ways you have hurt her in the past. She may not be attracted to you. It may take too much effort and she doesn't have that kind of energy. Just you asking might drive her away more. She may feel like you're controlling the situation and not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people just won't shut up about your drive. Or lack of it.

I tend to agree with this. High drive=high maintenance=high pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Based on a lot of threads from women, the top issue for them is "my DH won't help more with chores/childcare"

Such BS. It is as painful to be low drive as it is frustrating to be high drive. I would give anything to fix it. I want my spouse to be happy. If all I had to do to flip the switch was hire a babysitter and a housekeeper to help out, don't you think I would? What an insane thing to suggest and women are not saying that. If that is your take away you are not paying attention. This is a far more complicated subject than a dude not loading the dishwasher.

Lots of truth here. There is some percentage of sex-troubled marriages where the LD wife really wants to have sex but, because her husband is a lazy slob, she just can't relax a minute to get in the mood. But it can't be that high of a percentage -- especially among people with a decent income. A sexually frustrated guy is generally pretty motivated, and it if were as simple as doing or hiring out some of her work to make her sexually energetic, that'd get done pretty fast. But, once the chores are done, then it's a series of moving goal posts explaining why she doesn't want sex. Often enough, she doesn't really know. She wants to know. Maybe she thinks she knows. But, a lot of the explanations turn out to be rationalizations -- even where her intentions are really good.

Incompatible sex drives in a marriage is a tough subject. It's common. And it has the power to damage marriages deeply. That's why you see the subject crop up here so often.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the low drive, but my husband is. He can't get hard. He wont talk to me about why and he won't to a doctor about it. He said that he's embarrassed and it's his problem to fix. The lack of intimacy is killing me. He has never been high drive, so right now (since September) there has been nothing. Because he is frustrated over his ed, he has stopped being close, the cuddling is gone, the hand holding is gone, and the kissing is a peck on the lips. It hurts so much. I feel unwanted even though I can clearly see that he is upset over the situation. We are both 37. I wish I could get into his head and and vice versa so that he can see how it's effecting me and us as a couple