Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be willing to lower your sex drive? There are plenty of safe and effective drugs for this.

+1

Yes how about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

That might be a good thing. Seems a lot of people fight over that, money and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

I know exactly how you feel. We both started high. I got depression, went low, had the talk, bounced back, and we were both high for years. Now he's low, we've had the talk, it gets better for a week then nothing. I never say no, because I fee like if I say no, he will never offer again. Recently he initiated a sex talk because I didn't do some things for him that I didn't know he wanted, and he didn't want to ask. No mind you, when he asked in the past, I never said no. He just didn't want to ask. So the talk was basically that sex was boring and infrequent with me. All I could think is how many times have you rejected my advances in the last 3 years, and not only do you want me to keep initiating (knowing it's a fail most days) but you want me to be more creative? Ugh.

[Anonymous]

I would rather have no sex than bad sex. And with kids in the house, it's often quick and rushed and not particularly meaningful and everyone's exhausted, and there's not a lot of time to take a shower before or freshen up afterwards so it feels more like a workout at the gym than a trip to Paris, if that makes sense. Rolling around in sheets that need to be changed, or having to sleep in them afterwards. Kinda gross.

That, combined with lingering emotional resentments, unresolved issues, doesn't make for a great combination.

I frequently find myself thinking of it as an additional chore to check off during the weekend - somewhere between doing laundry, getting groceries and putting gas in the car in terms of level of effort and overall entertainment value.

And rather than just complaining about your wife not being up for the task, maybe you could set the scene. Change the sheets, buy her flowers, make her dinner, get a babysitter. This will improve the environment and her emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

That might be a good thing. Seems a lot of people fight over that, money and kids.

It's strange but I often wonder if it is for the best. I love him, he loves me, I want to spend my life with him. We are compatible in every other way so if we both end up low drive, then no one will be resentful and maybe we can stay happy together... It's just the imbalance of drive that causes resentment and conflict.

[Anonymous]

I agree. It's horrible when it's an expected chore or obligation.

Many men make it seem like a job requirement, so the women view it as such. Yes perhaps stepping back, doing nice things to change the environment would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

That might be a good thing. Seems a lot of people fight over that, money and kids.

It's strange but I often wonder if it is for the best. I love him, he loves me, I want to spend my life with him. We are compatible in every other way so if we both end up low drive, then no one will be resentful and maybe we can stay happy together... It's just the imbalance of drive that causes resentment and conflict.

Think of the alternative. There are many reasons 2nd marriages fail at a much greater rate. Different people same unrealistic expectations of what a real marriage is. If sex were everything I'd be married to one of my first flames. Thankfully I'm happily married with someone who is also mature and realistic about what truly counts.

[Anonymous]

OP, I thought you were a chick. So lame coming from a guy for some reason... The baby on the bus goes wah-wah-wah all day long!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

Like many others on here, this issue has come to sort of critical mass. My question for Low Drive Spouses is why are you willing to refuse sexual intimacy with your partner? I understand the reasons behind Low Drive: no time, hormones, kids, too tired etc, so not looking for the actual causal reasons for Low Drive, but more of why you are willing to hurt your partner around this issue when you know it is an issue. We have an overall good relationship from what I can tell outside of this issue, but I am having a very hard time understanding how my wife can know how painful this issue is not only to me but to our relationship, and not take any action around it. I guess what the most hurtful part of this situation is not as much the lack of sex, but that my wife knows that is really painful to me and won't make any effort. I get that she probably feels hurt around the issue as well but I cannot understand how one partner can share a pain with the other and they do anything they can to try to limit it.

There have been things in our relationship that my wife said really hurt or she needed from me, and I worked to change these things because I care about her. I am trying hard but not understanding why she won't do the same for me. She says she wants to, and I think I believe her, but she doesn't take any action. I have shared with my wife that it isn't about actual sex, but connection to our marriage. I would be ok if I only pleasured her or if she gave me a HJ or BJ, or even had a remotely passionate make out session. These are things that would take a few minutes and would not require her to be fully "in the mood" but would show that she cares about me and values how I feel, but she won't do this.

I am looking for honest feedback from Low Drive Spouses of in the scenario above, why you would be unwilling to have intimacy with your partner? If I could understand it I may be able to cope with it better, for right now the only thing I feel is that she just doesn't care enough about me. I am just looking to see if there are other things than that which could be in play.

She won't make any effort or take any action? What does she have to do? You are initiating sex, right? And she's pushing you away or telegraphing disinterest?

[Anonymous]

I enjoy sex generally but my husband ALWAYS initiates. No excuses other than I'm tired, my mind is racing, etc etc. I love him and want to make him happy and I think it's important for our relationship, so I do it regularly. Once it starts I get into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

Pp here. Yes, this is exactly what happened to me. Same story about when he wanted sex I had to jump and if I didn't he would get upset. I'm so over sleeping with him and have zero interest. He is a horrible and selfish lover. I try to focus on the positive aspects of our marriage. I'm generally attracted to him physically but have little interest in his mind games when it comes to sex. I've never experienced so much drama before when it comes to sex. With previous boyfriends I really enjoyed sex and we had it on a frequent basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

Like many others on here, this issue has come to sort of critical mass. My question for Low Drive Spouses is why are you willing to refuse sexual intimacy with your partner? I understand the reasons behind Low Drive: no time, hormones, kids, too tired etc, so not looking for the actual causal reasons for Low Drive, but more of why you are willing to hurt your partner around this issue when you know it is an issue. We have an overall good relationship from what I can tell outside of this issue, but I am having a very hard time understanding how my wife can know how painful this issue is not only to me but to our relationship, and not take any action around it. I guess what the most hurtful part of this situation is not as much the lack of sex, but that my wife knows that is really painful to me and won't make any effort. I get that she probably feels hurt around the issue as well but I cannot understand how one partner can share a pain with the other and they do anything they can to try to limit it.

There have been things in our relationship that my wife said really hurt or she needed from me, and I worked to change these things because I care about her. I am trying hard but not understanding why she won't do the same for me. She says she wants to, and I think I believe her, but she doesn't take any action. I have shared with my wife that it isn't about actual sex, but connection to our marriage. I would be ok if I only pleasured her or if she gave me a HJ or BJ, or even had a remotely passionate make out session. These are things that would take a few minutes and would not require her to be fully "in the mood" but would show that she cares about me and values how I feel, but she won't do this.

I am looking for honest feedback from Low Drive Spouses of in the scenario above, why you would be unwilling to have intimacy with your partner? If I could understand it I may be able to cope with it better, for right now the only thing I feel is that she just doesn't care enough about me. I am just looking to see if there are other things than that which could be in play.

This is a painful issue and you're not alone. Please watch this Ted Talks on the issue
http://youtu.be/Ep2MAx95m20

She explains how this is damaging to a marriage and the harm it causes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy sex generally but my husband ALWAYS initiates. No excuses other than I'm tired, my mind is racing, etc etc. I love him and want to make him happy and I think it's important for our relationship, so I do it regularly. Once it starts I get into it.

Sorry that cut off before I was finished. I may get flamed, but I do think barring a major medical or psychological issue she owes it to you to at least try (and I'd say the same if she were high drive and you were low - gender irrelevant). I would be very concerned if my husband were as unhappy if you seem to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.

We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.

That might be a good thing. Seems a lot of people fight over that, money and kids.

It's strange but I often wonder if it is for the best. I love him, he loves me, I want to spend my life with him. We are compatible in every other way so if we both end up low drive, then no one will be resentful and maybe we can stay happy together... It's just the imbalance of drive that causes resentment and conflict.

Think of the alternative. There are many reasons 2nd marriages fail at a much greater rate. Different people same unrealistic expectations of what a real marriage is. If sex were everything I'd be married to one of my first flames. Thankfully I'm happily married with someone who is also mature and realistic about what truly counts.

Sometimes it's hard to keep that perspective when society seems to always be saying sex is the end all be all indicator of a healthy marriage. I'm much happier when I stop fighting my declining drive since then there isn't conflict between DH and I. Unfortunately, then I get freaked out thinking we couldn't possibly have a happy marriage without tons of sex (even though we express intimacy and affection constantly in nonsexual ways) and I start pushing for sex again. We're younger so I worry that if I "give up" on sex now, one of us will regret it in 10 years and we won't be able to go back.