Play dates and non reciprocal trust!

[Anonymous]

Maybe your child pinches her child, when no one is looking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My daughter has extreme anxiety. It's awful and no one knows about it. She hates being left alone at others' homes. So we have kids to our house but my daughter doesn't want to go to other kids' homes (except for one friend we are very close with).

We are in the same situation. You wouldn't know to look at our DD and we try not to advertise it to others but she'll only be comfortable with a drop off situation at a few classmates' houses because we've been there like 10 times as a family.
It's not about trust at all. One amazing family has invited DD over a number of times but we try to host instead. I hope you're not that mother and that you don't think I don't trust you because we do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3rd grader is a super social little girl. Since Kinder she has made a group of good friends and we have grown to know their families through play dates and after school activities. When she has made a new friend and asks for a play date I always invite the parent with the child if they choose to come. I know some parents feel uncomfortable dropping their kids with a family they don't know and I am one of them. Most parents usually just drop off, but one of the moms actually came over and we talked and chatted while we drank coffee. We are friends now.

This year, all DD's good friends are scattered in different classrooms. She has made a new friend and she REALLY wanted a play date with her. I met the mom and exchanged contact information. I asked her 3 times, on 3 different weeks if her DD could come for a playdate. I made the times flexible. But she had an excuse each time. Then, she invited my daughter for a play date. I had something to do but my daughter was so excited that I went ahead and said yes. I asked if I could come since I really don't know this family at all (DD's other friends we have had always friends in common.) She said of course, we drank tea talked about school and then DD and I went home. They invited DD another weekend and I dropped her off, the family seemed lovely to me. Since then, I must have invited their daughter about 4 times and every time there is an excuse, I then change the time but then another excuse (birthday, family coming, another birthday). The very last time I asked we were talking face to face and I asked about a morning play date and she said her DD had a birthday, then I asked about the afternoon and she said another birthday and looked flustered. From her reaction (first time I see it face to face as the other times it was via text messages) I gather she does not want to drop off her daughter. But then she asked if my daughter could come over the next weekend. I honestly don't want a one sided relationship where I offer to trust and I don't get it back. My daughter has plenty of play dates with families that we trust and trust us back. My husband doesn't want us dropping her off at her new place any more. What do you think? Thank you!

I was sexually abused as a child but nevertheless, I am like you op. I let my child go one day, the next time is at my house and so on… it makes for balanced things. Of course there is nothing wrong with the approach of "who cares? it is just a play date!" but personally, I don't like to have my child going to someone's else house all the time and they never letting their kids coming to mine. Probably I have been reading this forum for too long, but I have read here MANY times about how some parents thing a neighbor's kid is in their house too much and the parents are taking advantage etc…

So yeah, I am mindful of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ill be the one to point out that it could be because the other mom thinks OP's older sons look creepy, she's heard bad things about the husband, thinks OP serves junk food she won't let her daughter eat, or was alarmed that OP's bathrooms looked dirty.

All of which are offensive and judgey and no, I would not go along with that or be comfortable in a friendship where the mom was disapproving of my family or our choices.

I get all of these "nice" relies, which are certainly possible, but it's equally possible this other mom is snooty and judgey and OP shouldn't feel bad able being uncomfortable that her home is not good enough for this woman.

It is possible, but why let that get in the way of her daughters friendship. Unless the OP is afraid somethings inappropriate is going on, do not end the girls friendship simply because it makes you uncomfortable that things are uneven. As our kids grow up, we have to accept that we will know thier friends parents less and less.

[Anonymous]

The message OP is getting from the other mom is that OP is not trustworthy. That's not cool, whatever the reason from the other mom's perspective.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why this mom didn't tell you "I'm sorry, I don't allow my children to go to other people's homes." Done. I think she was rude, you were obviously trying to get the little girls together, why would she let you keep asking when she knew it wasn't going to happen. Then, with clear information, the OP can make a decision whether to allow her child to go to the other person's home. OP, I would feel uncomfortable that I was able to make a leap of faith and let my child to their home, but they think I am so untrustworthy that they can drop off their child at mine.

[Anonymous]

Woa, you are a parent of a 3rd grader?

You seem VERY invested in your daughter's social life (do you have any friends that are not "mom" friends)?

I would consider taking a step back and wondering why you give so much of a crap where you child's playdates happen. You sound very intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had severe anxiety at that age and would not play at someone else's house. I was always totally up front with other parents about that though- otherwise it does feel one sided and the dynamic is off.

Hi, I have single DD and I don't allow her to go over to anyone's home. We do invite other kids over. Like this PP, I am clear about it. When asked I say we don't allow our child to go to someone else's home. It is cultural, period. Other parents understand and if they don't oh well. OP I think the problem here is that the parent was never clear. She didn't have to go into detail, all she had to do was say it. I don't pick up cues over texts either, I would have thought they were just a busy family. My best friend is always busy so I have to schedule her weeks ahead of time. But I know that.

This is OP, I think I am good reading social cues. The first play date at their house the mom and I talked and laughed a lot. It was fun, both parents were there and seemed great. In between all my text attempts to schedule a play date she has texted me a few times asking about class assignments and once asking how I felt about something the teacher was doing in the class. At school if she sees me she comes over and we chat and vice versa. It always feels friendly, that is why I didn't think anything of it until I tried to schedule face to face and saw her getting flustered and then I got it. I think it would have been different had she just said it from the beginning. It would have felt more honest and less strange. My kids are not allowed to sleep over until middle school, that is a rule in our household. My oldest started sleeping over his friend's homes this year. We just say it straight up when the invitations come for our two youngest. We let them stay late so they don't feel they miss out too much and then pick them up. We haven't had sleepovers yet, but will for our oldest's birthday for the first time. Like I said before, this is the first time I have encountered this situation. Thanks for all the responses (nice and not so nice ones!)

She was just trying to be polite to you. How are you good at reading social cues if you don't get that? Have you never declined an invitation saying you have another commitment etc because you don't want to tell the host the honest but impolite reason for not going (I don't like your cats, your house smells, your husband is rude etc). Of course you don't say those things! You say thank you for the invitation but I have to work that day or something similar. She tried to be polite and you were just being dense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had severe anxiety at that age and would not play at someone else's house. I was always totally up front with other parents about that though- otherwise it does feel one sided and the dynamic is off.

Hi, I have single DD and I don't allow her to go over to anyone's home. We do invite other kids over. Like this PP, I am clear about it. When asked I say we don't allow our child to go to someone else's home. It is cultural, period. Other parents understand and if they don't oh well. OP I think the problem here is that the parent was never clear. She didn't have to go into detail, all she had to do was say it. I don't pick up cues over texts either, I would have thought they were just a busy family. My best friend is always busy so I have to schedule her weeks ahead of time. But I know that.

.

What culture doesn't allow playdates at other houses? I'm not snarky, just really curious.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are a bit self absorbed. Not everything is about YOU.

Maybe there is an issue with the daughter you don't know about. Who knows - but if things are fine, just deal with it.

If your princess is the social butterfly you make her out to be - this shouldn't even be an issue for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had severe anxiety at that age and would not play at someone else's house. I was always totally up front with other parents about that though- otherwise it does feel one sided and the dynamic is off.

Hi, I have single DD and I don't allow her to go over to anyone's home. We do invite other kids over. Like this PP, I am clear about it. When asked I say we don't allow our child to go to someone else's home. It is cultural, period. Other parents understand and if they don't oh well. OP I think the problem here is that the parent was never clear. She didn't have to go into detail, all she had to do was say it. I don't pick up cues over texts either, I would have thought they were just a busy family. My best friend is always busy so I have to schedule her weeks ahead of time. But I know that.

.

What culture doesn't allow playdates at other houses? I'm not snarky, just really curious.

Hispanics, Caribbean are two that I know of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had severe anxiety at that age and would not play at someone else's house. I was always totally up front with other parents about that though- otherwise it does feel one sided and the dynamic is off.

Hi, I have single DD and I don't allow her to go over to anyone's home. We do invite other kids over. Like this PP, I am clear about it. When asked I say we don't allow our child to go to someone else's home. It is cultural, period. Other parents understand and if they don't oh well. OP I think the problem here is that the parent was never clear. She didn't have to go into detail, all she had to do was say it. I don't pick up cues over texts either, I would have thought they were just a busy family. My best friend is always busy so I have to schedule her weeks ahead of time. But I know that.

This is OP, I think I am good reading social cues. The first play date at their house the mom and I talked and laughed a lot. It was fun, both parents were there and seemed great. In between all my text attempts to schedule a play date she has texted me a few times asking about class assignments and once asking how I felt about something the teacher was doing in the class. At school if she sees me she comes over and we chat and vice versa. It always feels friendly, that is why I didn't think anything of it until I tried to schedule face to face and saw her getting flustered and then I got it. I think it would have been different had she just said it from the beginning. It would have felt more honest and less strange. My kids are not allowed to sleep over until middle school, that is a rule in our household. My oldest started sleeping over his friend's homes this year. We just say it straight up when the invitations come for our two youngest. We let them stay late so they don't feel they miss out too much and then pick them up. We haven't had sleepovers yet, but will for our oldest's birthday for the first time. Like I said before, this is the first time I have encountered this situation. Thanks for all the responses (nice and not so nice ones!)

She was just trying to be polite to you. How are you good at reading social cues if you don't get that? Have you never declined an invitation saying you have another commitment etc because you don't want to tell the host the honest but impolite reason for not going (I don't like your cats, your house smells, your husband is rude etc). Of course you don't say those things! You say thank you for the invitation but I have to work that day or something similar. She tried to be polite and you were just being dense.

I'm the PP that said this situation would annoy me. If she dislikes OP's home/husband/personality, then don't invite her family into your life, and you can't bring her child and pretend the mother doesn't exist. The lady invited OPs daughter for more than one play date. Every time that OP tried to do the same, the polite thing to do, she was shot down with BS. I'm sorry, but that is not polite. The mother doesn't have to say "my daughter still pees her pants" or "I was molested as a child" like PPs suggested could be the reason. But she can say a general: "my daughter is not allowed to go to other people's homes for playdates". How hard is that? If I was OP I would ditch this woman. OP also made a trusting choice to let her child into this woman's home. If she cannot do the same, then why bother with playdates. I would just let the girls be friends at school. If OPs DD wants to have playdates with children in her class, then her suggestion of encouraging other friendships sound right on the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had severe anxiety at that age and would not play at someone else's house. I was always totally up front with other parents about that though- otherwise it does feel one sided and the dynamic is off.

Hi, I have single DD and I don't allow her to go over to anyone's home. We do invite other kids over. Like this PP, I am clear about it. When asked I say we don't allow our child to go to someone else's home. It is cultural, period. Other parents understand and if they don't oh well. OP I think the problem here is that the parent was never clear. She didn't have to go into detail, all she had to do was say it. I don't pick up cues over texts either, I would have thought they were just a busy family. My best friend is always busy so I have to schedule her weeks ahead of time. But I know that.

.

What culture doesn't allow playdates at other houses? I'm not snarky, just really curious.

Hispanics, Caribbean are two that I know of

I'm latin, I let my kids go on play dates, but not to sleep over. But I'm with OP, just friggin' say it. Don't let another mom drag along with lies. I find that so rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have no idea what might have happened in this woman's life to make her like this. Maybe she was sexually abused by a family member of friend of the family and finds it difficult to let go of supervision of her daughter in another person's house. I really don't get your problem. You're mad that she will invite your daughter, but won't drop off hers? So just tell your daughter when she has playdates with this girl, they're at her hours. Your child isn't going to care.

You should probably question why you are this freaking invested in playdates.

True, I don't know what has happened to this woman. I hadn't thought about that. I'm not freaking out, I'm kind of annoyed as I feel I have tried to get to know them better. To my husband the whole thing feels off that is why he rather our DD not go over any longer. I was going to argue because DD likes this girl, but it seems if you are right, this will never be balanced.

So your husband would end your child's play dates with another child she likes and enjoys just out of some adult sense of required "balance"? That punishes your own child (and the other kid too) for a problem the adults--not the kids--perceive. How does he plan to explain to your daughter why she can't play at her friend's house any more? No matter how he or you explain it, your child will get the vibe that there's something "wrong" with her friend, or their friendship, or her friend's family, or even something wrong with her because mom and dad are taking away something about which, to her mind, they didn't have issues earlier.

Why do that to your kid?

Someone mentioned along the lines of maybe the mom was abused as a child at someone's house and thus doesn't trust -- well, that could be true, but there are plenty of other, much simpler reasons they haven't said yes to play dates at your house (or maybe at anyone's house). Maybe you have dogs or cats, and the girl is scared of dogs or cats, but the mom doesn't want to say that to you out of fear of offending, so she turns down offers. Maybe they know things about their kid that you don't, like the fact she's anxious at other people's homes or acts out when she's not in her own environment. Maybe the mom has anxiety, or the daughter merely has activities that truly have conflicted with your offers. Or the timing would work for her to go to your house, but the drive doesn't work, because another sibling has to be picked up elsewhere, or....

But why exhaust yourself with speculation when you could just accept that your child likes this child and the play dates are safe and fun, and "balance" is not required? You seem to be assuming the issue is the mom doesn't trust you somehow. But it may not be about you at all. It may be about pets, commutes, activities, anxiety, whatever. None are reasons to cut your child off from a friend when the friend isn't a problem, and other than preferring to host, the adults aren't a real problem either.

I haven't read every post in this thread, but have you just asked her? It can be done without treading too heavily. If the issue of "balance" is that important to you, yet you want your child to keep seeing her friend, why not just ask? "Hey, it's so nice that you always have Sally over to your house and she really enjoys being with your DD. But we really do want to have Sally over to our house once in a while too--DD would love to show Sally her games and our yard. But play dates at our house never seem to work out when I ask. How do we make that happen, so we feel we're doing our share of hosting for both girls? Is there a better time of week for DD to come to us, or would a weekend be better than after school? Let's set a date."

If you have tried asking and she waffles, be even more direct. "Sally loves seeing your DD but we really need to reciprocate and host some play dates ourselves. I'm not sure if there's something else going on, but is there any reason why our play date invitations to DD have not worked out?"

[Anonymous]

You could just ask her outright if DD does playdates at other people's homes.