Play dates and non reciprocal trust!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, I have 3 children (2 older boys) and honestly this is the first time I have encountered this situation, I didn't realize it was so common! If one of my kids in invited to a friend's house then we invite that child over on another week. Same when we have invited friends over, often parents let me know as soon as they pick up their kids that they will be texting me about a play date at their house. Even with our neighbors, we like in a cul-de-sac with tons of kids and they all play together. When it is cold, if one of them invites the gang over, then I or another neighbor invites them over on another day. We all take turns. That has always been the norm for us. I guess it is what I like too because because we are a social family and like to have family and friend over often. Maybe I'll just gently guide my daughter toward another girl in her class to strengthen that friendship. She is the daughter of a high school mate which I found out over the weekend. Well thanks for adding perspective, I definitely don't feel annoyed any more, it could be many things. I just have to decide whether this is something I want or not.

Really? You would discourage this friendship because the parents are not as willing to socialize with you as you'd like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3rd grader is a super social little girl. Since Kinder she has made a group of good friends and we have grown to know their families through play dates and after school activities. When she has made a new friend and asks for a play date I always invite the parent with the child if they choose to come. I know some parents feel uncomfortable dropping their kids with a family they don't know and I am one of them. Most parents usually just drop off, but one of the moms actually came over and we talked and chatted while we drank coffee. We are friends now.

This year, all DD's good friends are scattered in different classrooms. She has made a new friend and she REALLY wanted a play date with her. I met the mom and exchanged contact information. I asked her 3 times, on 3 different weeks if her DD could come for a playdate. I made the times flexible. But she had an excuse each time. Then, she invited my daughter for a play date. I had something to do but my daughter was so excited that I went ahead and said yes. I asked if I could come since I really don't know this family at all (DD's other friends we have had always friends in common.) She said of course, we drank tea talked about school and then DD and I went home. They invited DD another weekend and I dropped her off, the family seemed lovely to me. Since then, I must have invited their daughter about 4 times and every time there is an excuse, I then change the time but then another excuse (birthday, family coming, another birthday). The very last time I asked we were talking face to face and I asked about a morning play date and she said her DD had a birthday, then I asked about the afternoon and she said another birthday and looked flustered. From her reaction (first time I see it face to face as the other times it was via text messages) I gather she does not want to drop off her daughter. But then she asked if my daughter could come over the next weekend. I honestly don't want a one sided relationship where I offer to trust and I don't get it back. My daughter has plenty of play dates with families that we trust and trust us back. My husband doesn't want us dropping her off at her new place any more. What do you think? Thank you!

My daughter has extreme anxiety. It's awful and no one knows about it. She hates being left alone at others' homes. So we have kids to our house but my daughter doesn't want to go to other kids' homes (except for one friend we are very close with).

[Anonymous]

I would rather have that problem than the reverse. I feel like I am always hosting.

I have 2 boys. I used to decline when it would cause a lot of drama when only older DS was invited and dropped off. It was easier to have kids come to our house so younger DS was also included.

If your DD has fun at the play dates, no reason to keep her from having play dates. You don't know what happened in the mom's life.

[Anonymous]

You are so controlling and self-centered that you'll manipulate your daughter's friendships in service of your own social needs and wants? Wow. This girl's mom doesn't want to hang out your house and be wined and dined by you, so you're going to make your DD dump her? You sound obsessed with being the queen bee and having everyone revolve around you.

[Anonymous]

We had another family do something horrible to ours, so needless to say, I am not very trusting of anyone. There are very few people I will trust my child with after what happened. It sucks. Am I sharing it with you? No... its a private matter. If your child is safe and well cared for, then either respect their wishes and continue the friendship or don't.

Other issue: different people have different parenting standards. Some don't supervise the kids well (i.e. free range). We are not free range... so that is another big issue for me. Other issues: not everyone will feed your child and do other basic care taking. Once I did agree and my child went 4 hours without food. The parents didn't feed either child and it surprised me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so controlling and self-centered that you'll manipulate your daughter's friendships in service of your own social needs and wants? Wow. This girl's mom doesn't want to hang out your house and be wined and dined by you, so you're going to make your DD dump her? You sound obsessed with being the queen bee and having everyone revolve around you.

Does she? This could probably have been avoided if the other woman stated her preferences straight away instead of making up excuses and declining dozens of invitations. If I was OP that would be my real issue with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so controlling and self-centered that you'll manipulate your daughter's friendships in service of your own social needs and wants? Wow. This girl's mom doesn't want to hang out your house and be wined and dined by you, so you're going to make your DD dump her? You sound obsessed with being the queen bee and having everyone revolve around you.

I agree. She doesn't even care to think about why the mom might have this preference, she just is ticked that someone wasn't falling all over themselves to be invited to her house. What sort of badge of honor do you think you get for having a large number of play dates at your house? Why in 3rd grade do you still expect parents to stick around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are so controlling and self-centered that you'll manipulate your daughter's friendships in service of your own social needs and wants? Wow. This girl's mom doesn't want to hang out your house and be wined and dined by you, so you're going to make your DD dump her? You sound obsessed with being the queen bee and having everyone revolve around you.

Does she? This could probably have been avoided if the other woman stated her preferences straight away instead of making up excuses and declining dozens of invitations. If I was OP that would be my real issue with it.

But the other woman's concerns are none of your business! If she's been sexually abused, if her daughter has anxiety or epilepsy or diabetes, why does she need to tell you that?

[Anonymous]

And she can state her preferences without giving details on personal issues instead of lying to the op's face. Op should be uncomfortable with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are so controlling and self-centered that you'll manipulate your daughter's friendships in service of your own social needs and wants? Wow. This girl's mom doesn't want to hang out your house and be wined and dined by you, so you're going to make your DD dump her? You sound obsessed with being the queen bee and having everyone revolve around you.

Does she? This could probably have been avoided if the other woman stated her preferences straight away instead of making up excuses and declining dozens of invitations. If I was OP that would be my real issue with it.

This woman does not owe it to OP or anyone to disclose anything. perhaps it's very emotional and personal and she doesn't want to blab it to school parents. Maybe is involves something about the DD herself she doesn't think others should know. Op and the husband are strange for caring this much and considering dropping the friendship over it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she gets a bad vibe from your husband. I have known people whose family members ping my radar and would never let my kids go over even if other people in the family seem nice. Of course she's not going to tell you your husband is creeping her out but it could be that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are so controlling and self-centered that you'll manipulate your daughter's friendships in service of your own social needs and wants? Wow. This girl's mom doesn't want to hang out your house and be wined and dined by you, so you're going to make your DD dump her? You sound obsessed with being the queen bee and having everyone revolve around you.

I agree. She doesn't even care to think about why the mom might have this preference, she just is ticked that someone wasn't falling all over themselves to be invited to her house. What sort of badge of honor do you think you get for having a large number of play dates at your house? Why in 3rd grade do you still expect parents to stick around?

Socially needy queen bee (married to same) who shamelessly uses her daughter's friendships to enhance her social status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so controlling and self-centered that you'll manipulate your daughter's friendships in service of your own social needs and wants? Wow. This girl's mom doesn't want to hang out your house and be wined and dined by you, so you're going to make your DD dump her? You sound obsessed with being the queen bee and having everyone revolve around you.

I totally agree. Give it a rest, OP. They're 3rd graders. It's a stinkin' playdate, not the Dayton Peace Accords. You are waaaaaaaaay to invested in this, and waaaaaaay to up in this family's business. Do you also volunteer at the school all the darn time and then talk to all your mom friends about the other children? You seem like the type! Get a life!

[Anonymous]

My friend is like that. Her oldest daughter was abused by her friend's dad on a few occasions but did a lot of touching on the regular. She rarely drops off her youngest unless she knows the family well enough to confide in them (like us)

Thankfully other families handle it better than you and her daughter has not lost friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but why would you ruin this friendship because she does not drop her daughter off? How incredibly rude and selfish of you