Play dates and non reciprocal trust!
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Anonymous
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My 3rd grader is a super social little girl. Since Kinder she has made a group of good friends and we have grown to know their families through play dates and after school activities. When she has made a new friend and asks for a play date I always invite the parent with the child if they choose to come. I know some parents feel uncomfortable dropping their kids with a family they don't know and I am one of them. Most parents usually just drop off, but one of the moms actually came over and we talked and chatted while we drank coffee. We are friends now.
This year, all DD's good friends are scattered in different classrooms. She has made a new friend and she REALLY wanted a play date with her. I met the mom and exchanged contact information. I asked her 3 times, on 3 different weeks if her DD could come for a playdate. I made the times flexible. But she had an excuse each time. Then, she invited my daughter for a play date. I had something to do but my daughter was so excited that I went ahead and said yes. I asked if I could come since I really don't know this family at all (DD's other friends we have had always friends in common.) She said of course, we drank tea talked about school and then DD and I went home. They invited DD another weekend and I dropped her off, the family seemed lovely to me. Since then, I must have invited their daughter about 4 times and every time there is an excuse, I then change the time but then another excuse (birthday, family coming, another birthday). The very last time I asked we were talking face to face and I asked about a morning play date and she said her DD had a birthday, then I asked about the afternoon and she said another birthday and looked flustered. From her reaction (first time I see it face to face as the other times it was via text messages) I gather she does not want to drop off her daughter. But then she asked if my daughter could come over the next weekend. I honestly don't want a one sided relationship where I offer to trust and I don't get it back. My daughter has plenty of play dates with families that we trust and trust us back. My husband doesn't want us dropping her off at her new place any more. What do you think? Thank you! |
Anonymous
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You have no idea what might have happened in this woman's life to make her like this. Maybe she was sexually abused by a family member of friend of the family and finds it difficult to let go of supervision of her daughter in another person's house. I really don't get your problem. You're mad that she will invite your daughter, but won't drop off hers? So just tell your daughter when she has playdates with this girl, they're at her hours. Your child isn't going to care.
You should probably question why you are this freaking invested in playdates. |
Anonymous
| Don't take it personally. Some people are very over protective and want complete control of how and where their children play. I went through this when my ds was in 3rd grade. He had a wonderful friend but the parents were very clear that they had to supervise all playdates. Because they had a younger child and one of them worked weekends, playdates were almost impossible to schedule. In this case, take what you can get. If the mom doesn't want to come to your house, don't take it personally and let it go. |
Anonymous
| OMG, I would love it if 7-year-old DS's friends always wanted him to come to their place as opposed to vice versa. I don't really even care why the parents felt that way. As it is, the parents of DS's best friend (a girl) never want to have play dates at their house because it is small, so she is always at our place. |
Anonymous
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It could be that she's over protective or it could be that there's a medical issue that she doesn't want to disclose but would make it unsafe for you to supervise (i.e. epilepsy) or it could be that her daughter is really anxious and doesn't do well at other people's houses.
Be glad that, despite whatever the issue is, she and your daughter can still be friends. |
Anonymous
True, I don't know what has happened to this woman. I hadn't thought about that. I'm not freaking out, I'm kind of annoyed as I feel I have tried to get to know them better. To my husband the whole thing feels off that is why he rather our DD not go over any longer. I was going to argue because DD likes this girl, but it seems if you are right, this will never be balanced. |
Anonymous
| Wow, way to make it all about you. Not every mother and not every child is just like you or yours. |
Anonymous
Why is it important to you/your husband that it be "balanced"? |
Anonymous
| This would bug me too, OP. Yes there is room for making accommodations if need be in friendships, but it would be nice if people could just speak up (even if it's just basics instead of going into details that they're not comfortable sharing). Courtesy is ideally a two way street and I would say the other mom is unintentionally being discourteous by inventing excuses rather than just saying - however she wants to say it - that they only do playdates at their home. |
Anonymous
| This would annoy me too OP, but I'd still let my child go for the play dates. This mom just won't end up being a friend, and that's alright. |
Anonymous
+1. I would prefer to have playdates at my house, too, and for reasons strongly correlated with what PP mentions above. If you have an older son, I would understand her even more (me personally). And before moms of sons come screaming down at me, I have a son too. |
Anonymous
| This is OP, I have 3 children (2 older boys) and honestly this is the first time I have encountered this situation, I didn't realize it was so common! If one of my kids in invited to a friend's house then we invite that child over on another week. Same when we have invited friends over, often parents let me know as soon as they pick up their kids that they will be texting me about a play date at their house. Even with our neighbors, we like in a cul-de-sac with tons of kids and they all play together. When it is cold, if one of them invites the gang over, then I or another neighbor invites them over on another day. We all take turns. That has always been the norm for us. I guess it is what I like too because because we are a social family and like to have family and friend over often. Maybe I'll just gently guide my daughter toward another girl in her class to strengthen that friendship. She is the daughter of a high school mate which I found out over the weekend. Well thanks for adding perspective, I definitely don't feel annoyed any more, it could be many things. I just have to decide whether this is something I want or not. |
Anonymous
+1 The other mom should just own it. |
Anonymous
Because that is the "normal" for us that we like. The other seems odd based on our experiences. |
Anonymous
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But I just don't get why you would be willing to cut off a perfectly fine friendship because her kid never comes to your house. You guys look like the weirdos here, not her.
And your 2 older sons might have a lot to do with it if she has trauma in her past. Her reason isn't really important because clearly she thinks this is what is best for her child. I guess you could say no more pkaydates at all then, but you would come across as being very strange. |