Play dates and non reciprocal trust!

[Anonymous]

NP here. I can imagine a number of reasons a parent might not let their child have a playdate at someone else's home, but would not want to invade another family's privacy (or discuss a private matter) with an acquaintance.

I had a friend, whose child had a medical condition that required monitoring. The child was fine, but would need medication regularly and the mother knew to watch for the signs. She was not comfortable having her child in another home, even if she was there as it was easier to care for her child at home. We visited them. I have seen families where the kids had severe allergies and were wary of cross-contamination or exposure to the allergens at other homes and so kept their playdates at home. If I had these situations, I might be loathe to discuss this until I knew the family better. I'm pretty concerned about guns and I wouldn't want to ask another family if they had guns in their home, but without knowing if they do or don't have guns, I'm not letting my young children go to their house. I'll gladly host their children, but until they are older and I get them to gun safety classes, I'm not letting my kids go to dropoffs at other homes. In my case, I will (and have) do non-dropoff playdates, but not dropoff playdates. But still, this is my personal issue, but I'm not about to ask other parents if they have guns and make a political war out of playdate invitations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had severe anxiety at that age and would not play at someone else's house. I was always totally up front with other parents about that though- otherwise it does feel one sided and the dynamic is off.

Hi, I have single DD and I don't allow her to go over to anyone's home. We do invite other kids over. Like this PP, I am clear about it. When asked I say we don't allow our child to go to someone else's home. It is cultural, period. Other parents understand and if they don't oh well. OP I think the problem here is that the parent was never clear. She didn't have to go into detail, all she had to do was say it. I don't pick up cues over texts either, I would have thought they were just a busy family. My best friend is always busy so I have to schedule her weeks ahead of time. But I know that.

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What culture doesn't allow playdates at other houses? I'm not snarky, just really curious.

Hispanics, Caribbean are two that I know of

I'm latin, I let my kids go on play dates, but not to sleep over. But I'm with OP, just friggin' say it. Don't let another mom drag along with lies. I find that so rude.

Yes, I knew there was going to be one or two people on here that we're going to say but I'm Hispanic or "Latin" and I allow play date. I was just speaking of people whom I knew were not used to play dates becuase of their culture. That is all. As always with these kind of things there are exceptions to the general rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I can imagine a number of reasons a parent might not let their child have a playdate at someone else's home, but would not want to invade another family's privacy (or discuss a private matter) with an acquaintance.

I had a friend, whose child had a medical condition that required monitoring. The child was fine, but would need medication regularly and the mother knew to watch for the signs. She was not comfortable having her child in another home, even if she was there as it was easier to care for her child at home. We visited them. I have seen families where the kids had severe allergies and were wary of cross-contamination or exposure to the allergens at other homes and so kept their playdates at home. If I had these situations, I might be loathe to discuss this until I knew the family better. I'm pretty concerned about guns and I wouldn't want to ask another family if they had guns in their home, but without knowing if they do or don't have guns, I'm not letting my young children go to their house. I'll gladly host their children, but until they are older and I get them to gun safety classes, I'm not letting my kids go to dropoffs at other homes. In my case, I will (and have) do non-dropoff playdates, but not dropoff playdates. But still, this is my personal issue, but I'm not about to ask other parents if they have guns and make a political war out of playdate invitations.

So, if one of your daughter's friend's parents asked after sending her to your house for multiple playdates, why you don't reciprocate, what would you say? Would you just keep on making excuses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she gets a bad vibe from your husband. I have known people whose family members ping my radar and would never let my kids go over even if other people in the family seem nice. Of course she's not going to tell you your husband is creeping her out but it could be that.

I've been this parent as well - got a weird vibe from the husband and didn't want my kid going there. I lied and said we were allergic to dogs (not true).
On the other hand, in this case, OP's HUSBAND feels something is "off." Isn't that worth something? Or only women's intuition counts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had severe anxiety at that age and would not play at someone else's house. I was always totally up front with other parents about that though- otherwise it does feel one sided and the dynamic is off.

Hi, I have single DD and I don't allow her to go over to anyone's home. We do invite other kids over. Like this PP, I am clear about it. When asked I say we don't allow our child to go to someone else's home. It is cultural, period. Other parents understand and if they don't oh well. OP I think the problem here is that the parent was never clear. She didn't have to go into detail, all she had to do was say it. I don't pick up cues over texts either, I would have thought they were just a busy family. My best friend is always busy so I have to schedule her weeks ahead of time. But I know that.

.

What culture doesn't allow playdates at other houses? I'm not snarky, just really curious.

Hispanics, Caribbean are two that I know of

I'm latin, I let my kids go on play dates, but not to sleep over. But I'm with OP, just friggin' say it. Don't let another mom drag along with lies. I find that so rude.

Yes, I knew there was going to be one or two people on here that we're going to say but I'm Hispanic or "Latin" and I allow play date. I was just speaking of people whom I knew were not used to play dates becuase of their culture. That is all. As always with these kind of things there are exceptions to the general rule.

NP: Except that I have been living in Latin America (sorry, "latin" according to you) countries for 15+ years now and I have not heard that playdates aren't okay (although I think people think the idea of sleepovers are weird).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My daughter has extreme anxiety. It's awful and no one knows about it. She hates being left alone at others' homes. So we have kids to our house but my daughter doesn't want to go to other kids' homes (except for one friend we are very close with).

We are in the same situation. You wouldn't know to look at our DD and we try not to advertise it to others but she'll only be comfortable with a drop off situation at a few classmates' houses because we've been there like 10 times as a family.
It's not about trust at all. One amazing family has invited DD over a number of times but we try to host instead. I hope you're not that mother and that you don't think I don't trust you because we do!

This. My super-social 7yo loves playdates but doesn't like to be left at friends' houses. I'm the parent who stays at birthday parties. We had the first drop-off playdates ever during snowzilla, when we had several days off from school. I was so happy they went well.

I don't think everything needs to be balanced or reciprocal - it needs to be whatever works for the kids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I can imagine a number of reasons a parent might not let their child have a playdate at someone else's home, but would not want to invade another family's privacy (or discuss a private matter) with an acquaintance.

I had a friend, whose child had a medical condition that required monitoring. The child was fine, but would need medication regularly and the mother knew to watch for the signs. She was not comfortable having her child in another home, even if she was there as it was easier to care for her child at home. We visited them. I have seen families where the kids had severe allergies and were wary of cross-contamination or exposure to the allergens at other homes and so kept their playdates at home. If I had these situations, I might be loathe to discuss this until I knew the family better. I'm pretty concerned about guns and I wouldn't want to ask another family if they had guns in their home, but without knowing if they do or don't have guns, I'm not letting my young children go to their house. I'll gladly host their children, but until they are older and I get them to gun safety classes, I'm not letting my kids go to dropoffs at other homes. In my case, I will (and have) do non-dropoff playdates, but not dropoff playdates. But still, this is my personal issue, but I'm not about to ask other parents if they have guns and make a political war out of playdate invitations.

So, if one of your daughter's friend's parents asked after sending her to your house for multiple playdates, why you don't reciprocate, what would you say? Would you just keep on making excuses?

PP back. If asked, I would say that I have a concern but don't want to ask an impolite question of her family. If she wants to maintain her privacy, she can let the conversation go. If she wants to know my reason, I'll be glad to let her know my concern about not allowing my child into a home with guns until they are old enough to have gun safety instruction. If she asks or pursues the discussion, then I don't have an issue broaching the subject as a discussion (not a judgment against guns, just having young uninformed children around guns).

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the comments, but what about inviting the girl out for a playdate, like bowling, movies or skating? That way it's not at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I can imagine a number of reasons a parent might not let their child have a playdate at someone else's home, but would not want to invade another family's privacy (or discuss a private matter) with an acquaintance.

I had a friend, whose child had a medical condition that required monitoring. The child was fine, but would need medication regularly and the mother knew to watch for the signs. She was not comfortable having her child in another home, even if she was there as it was easier to care for her child at home. We visited them. I have seen families where the kids had severe allergies and were wary of cross-contamination or exposure to the allergens at other homes and so kept their playdates at home. If I had these situations, I might be loathe to discuss this until I knew the family better. I'm pretty concerned about guns and I wouldn't want to ask another family if they had guns in their home, but without knowing if they do or don't have guns, I'm not letting my young children go to their house. I'll gladly host their children, but until they are older and I get them to gun safety classes, I'm not letting my kids go to dropoffs at other homes. In my case, I will (and have) do non-dropoff playdates, but not dropoff playdates. But still, this is my personal issue, but I'm not about to ask other parents if they have guns and make a political war out of playdate invitations.

So, if one of your daughter's friend's parents asked after sending her to your house for multiple playdates, why you don't reciprocate, what would you say? Would you just keep on making excuses?

PP back. If asked, I would say that I have a concern but don't want to ask an impolite question of her family. If she wants to maintain her privacy, she can let the conversation go. If she wants to know my reason, I'll be glad to let her know my concern about not allowing my child into a home with guns until they are old enough to have gun safety instruction. If she asks or pursues the discussion, then I don't have an issue broaching the subject as a discussion (not a judgment against guns, just having young uninformed children around guns).

I think that's reasonable. If the family told you that there were no guns in the house and that the family was, in fact, staunchly anti-gun, would you then allow playdates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My daughter has extreme anxiety. It's awful and no one knows about it. She hates being left alone at others' homes. So we have kids to our house but my daughter doesn't want to go to other kids' homes (except for one friend we are very close with).

We are in the same situation. You wouldn't know to look at our DD and we try not to advertise it to others but she'll only be comfortable with a drop off situation at a few classmates' houses because we've been there like 10 times as a family.
It's not about trust at all. One amazing family has invited DD over a number of times but we try to host instead. I hope you're not that mother and that you don't think I don't trust you because we do!

This. My super-social 7yo loves playdates but doesn't like to be left at friends' houses. I'm the parent who stays at birthday parties. We had the first drop-off playdates ever during snowzilla, when we had several days off from school. I was so happy they went well.

I don't think everything needs to be balanced or reciprocal - it needs to be whatever works for the kids involved.

+1 My daughter has a neighbor friend who she adores. Multiple playdates happen at the neighbors, but never at my home. My concern is that I want to be a good neighbor and do my fair share, so I was unhappy until the other mother mentions that her daughter has some anxiety issues and does not like to be at other homes. I should add that anxious kids come from anxious parents, and the mother has also mentioned that she takes medication for anxiety issues. So the whole situation is that the neighbor kid is anxious about coming by, and furthermore, her mother is anxious about the kid being unhappy.

[Anonymous]

"Woa, you are a parent of a 3rd grader?

You seem VERY invested in your daughter's social life (do you have any friends that are not "mom" friends)?

I would consider taking a step back and wondering why you give so much of a crap where you child's playdates happen. You sound very intense."

No need to be ugly. I've been going through this same situation with my 4th grader (new best friend at school but parents are either non-responsive or evasive when I reach out for weekend playdates). It is very frustration to be playing games - I'd rather they just be straight forward that playdates aren't going to occur, even if they just provide a generic reason. It is also very confusing and frustrating for DC, who just wants to have a good time.

[Anonymous]

Yes, while this particular story is a bit odd, this play date stuff can make you crazy. My DD (7) has one friend whose mom stays for all play dates. I don't think it's a lack of trust of us but she has never been apart from DD. she seems happy to accept invitations, but doesn't reciprocate even though you would think that would work better for her. While this mom is fine in small doses, I don't really want to spend hours on a Saturday drinking coffee with her while the girls play so we just aren't having many play dates.

[Anonymous]

We have been making excuses for not having a play date at one kid's house because we do not trust the parents. The parents have been dishonest about some things that we know about and they also seem to just not supervise the child. Their child is very nice and a close friend of DS. I'm not going to be honest about this reason. Thus, the excuses.