Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. And thank you for taking such good care of your family--it must be tough.

I'd keep her family informed and keep the lines of communication open, but have no expectations of help.

Time to reach out to her REAL family--her friends, coworkers, neighbors, your family. Anyone with whom she is close--church, whatever. Reach out, explain the situation, and ask for SPECIFIC help. I'm sure they will come through!

Best of luck. I hope the New Year is better for all of you.

This.

Our PTA did meal delivery each day for weeks for a family in need. Please ask be afraid to ask for help from the school.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm ready to throw my computer just reading about your horrible inlaws!

I do want to say one thing--a lesson it took me years to learn, and that I have drilled into my kids so they don't have to suffer years before figuring this out on their own. It is about friends, but really, it does apply to anyone in your life, including relatives. (It also applies to their behavior as friends, but that's not the emphasis for you right now)

I tell my kids, on a day to day basis, you never know who your true friends are; you will find out only over time. It will happen that over time, one day something good will happen to you, or one day something bad will happen to you.

When something good happens to you, who is by your side cheering and announcing to everyone this great thing that happened to you? And who is jealous? And who has suddenly disappeared?

Or, something bad happens to you. Who is there by your side, ready to defend you, protect you, or patch you back together? Who is quietly lurking with a Shadenfreude smirk? And who has suddenly disappeared?

At these times, you will know who you should keep investing in, who you should invest more in, and who you should spend less time with. Over the years, you will develop an odd collection of unexpected people who are your true friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

Okay. Look, you need to stop trying to get help from people who've made it clear they're not going to help. It sounds like your wife had a stroke. Please DEFINITELY go to therapy for yourself - being a caregiver is super taxing, and to someone who can't communicate, even more so. Please know that having a stroke can give stroke victims a temper. Watch out for that.

You may want to reach out to your wife's school community for help. I'm sure some of her students had stay at home moms who could help out here or there. Reach out to your family, your workplace, your church or temple, etc. Not her family. As much as it sucks, and it does, they're not going to give you what you need. So cut your losses and move on from them.

Not to derail the thread but you are a jerk for writing this. Do you think parents who don't work are just sitting around and waiting for volunteer opportunities? That their time is somehow less valuable? Do you think parents who work are less compassionate? Totally unnecessary.

NP here- you are totally missing the point. She is saying that someone with a flexible schedule who is at home is probably in a position to help out and would jump at the chance. I personally am a work at home mom and I would drop EVERYTHING to go help this family if this was a teacher in my school, a neighbor, gosh whoever it was. How could anyone with a conscience, any mother, not immediately help? However, if I worked in a setting where I had to be sitting at a desk 9-5, this would not be possible.

Do you get it now?

OP, someone else asked if you live in DC. Do you live in DC? Where do you live? How can we help you? I really want to help you in any way I can. I had a parent pass away when I was a small child (I do not bring that up to suggest that your wife will pass away, I do not think she will)- but it was a similar time of crises when my parent was ill and there is no way my family could have gotten through it without the kindness of our community. Please let me pay this forward by helping you.

That is great that you are so wonderful, but not all people are wonderful. My friend's nanny had a stroke and she needed help with the kids for 4 weeks. None of her SAHM friends helped with the kids. Mostly her working friends helped out. Not working and flexible are not synonymous.

Do you get it now?

Well I'm a SAHM and I have most certainly helped out when other moms have needed emergency childcare. But in a situation like that, how would the friends have known how long this nanny was going to be out. 4 weeks is not an insignificant amount of time -it's nice if you can help out like that but I would never assume that a friend could take over childcare duties for me for 4 straight weeks (or more).

We had a situation where my husband was in a wheelchair for 4 months. It was never a life threatening situation and we knew he would recover (although I was very worried that he might never walk normally again - maybe with a cane or a pronounced limp w/pain which would have been really hard for an active guy like my dh to deal with). While he was in the wheelchair he couldn't drive/cook/clean/do yard work. I had to take him to appts, PT, to get his hair cut. Oh, and we had two early elementary kids. He did get visits from some kind folks and it helped him to stay sane - people did offer support and help. But I was disappointed in who did NOT show up and really saddened by the people who seemed to back away from us. Indifferent. Yes, exactly.

I really think that, in our case, people did not want to get involved in what had the potential to be an overwhelming situation for my family. Yes. That sucks.

Hang in there Op. I'm really sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

Okay. Look, you need to stop trying to get help from people who've made it clear they're not going to help. It sounds like your wife had a stroke. Please DEFINITELY go to therapy for yourself - being a caregiver is super taxing, and to someone who can't communicate, even more so. Please know that having a stroke can give stroke victims a temper. Watch out for that.

You may want to reach out to your wife's school community for help. I'm sure some of her students had stay at home moms who could help out here or there. Reach out to your family, your workplace, your church or temple, etc. Not her family. As much as it sucks, and it does, they're not going to give you what you need. So cut your losses and move on from them.

Not to derail the thread but you are a jerk for writing this. Do you think parents who don't work are just sitting around and waiting for volunteer opportunities? That their time is somehow less valuable? Do you think parents who work are less compassionate? Totally unnecessary.

NP here- you are totally missing the point. She is saying that someone with a flexible schedule who is at home is probably in a position to help out and would jump at the chance. I personally am a work at home mom and I would drop EVERYTHING to go help this family if this was a teacher in my school, a neighbor, gosh whoever it was. How could anyone with a conscience, any mother, not immediately help? However, if I worked in a setting where I had to be sitting at a desk 9-5, this would not be possible.

Do you get it now?

OP, someone else asked if you live in DC. Do you live in DC? Where do you live? How can we help you? I really want to help you in any way I can. I had a parent pass away when I was a small child (I do not bring that up to suggest that your wife will pass away, I do not think she will)- but it was a similar time of crises when my parent was ill and there is no way my family could have gotten through it without the kindness of our community. Please let me pay this forward by helping you.

That is great that you are so wonderful, but not all people are wonderful. My friend's nanny had a stroke and she needed help with the kids for 4 weeks. None of her SAHM friends helped with the kids. Mostly her working friends helped out. Not working and flexible are not synonymous.

Do you get it now?

Well I'm a SAHM and I have most certainly helped out when other moms have needed emergency childcare. But in a situation like that, how would the friends have known how long this nanny was going to be out. 4 weeks is not an insignificant amount of time -it's nice if you can help out like that but I would never assume that a friend could take over childcare duties for me for 4 straight weeks (or more).

We had a situation where my husband was in a wheelchair for 4 months. It was never a life threatening situation and we knew he would recover (although I was very worried that he might never walk normally again - maybe with a cane or a pronounced limp w/pain which would have been really hard for an active guy like my dh to deal with). While he was in the wheelchair he couldn't drive/cook/clean/do yard work. I had to take him to appts, PT, to get his hair cut. Oh, and we had two early elementary kids. He did get visits from some kind folks and it helped him to stay sane - people did offer support and help. But I was disappointed in who did NOT show up and really saddened by the people who seemed to back away from us. Indifferent. Yes, exactly.

I really think that, in our case, people did not want to get involved in what had the potential to be an overwhelming situation for my family. Yes. That sucks.

Hang in there Op. I'm really sorry.

Being SAH or WoH has no bearing on who is generous with their time or not. That was the point of the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

Okay. Look, you need to stop trying to get help from people who've made it clear they're not going to help. It sounds like your wife had a stroke. Please DEFINITELY go to therapy for yourself - being a caregiver is super taxing, and to someone who can't communicate, even more so. Please know that having a stroke can give stroke victims a temper. Watch out for that.

You may want to reach out to your wife's school community for help. I'm sure some of her students had stay at home moms who could help out here or there. Reach out to your family, your workplace, your church or temple, etc. Not her family. As much as it sucks, and it does, they're not going to give you what you need. So cut your losses and move on from them.

Not to derail the thread but you are a jerk for writing this. Do you think parents who don't work are just sitting around and waiting for volunteer opportunities? That their time is somehow less valuable? Do you think parents who work are less compassionate? Totally unnecessary.

NP here- you are totally missing the point. She is saying that someone with a flexible schedule who is at home is probably in a position to help out and would jump at the chance. I personally am a work at home mom and I would drop EVERYTHING to go help this family if this was a teacher in my school, a neighbor, gosh whoever it was. How could anyone with a conscience, any mother, not immediately help? However, if I worked in a setting where I had to be sitting at a desk 9-5, this would not be possible.

Do you get it now?

OP, someone else asked if you live in DC. Do you live in DC? Where do you live? How can we help you? I really want to help you in any way I can. I had a parent pass away when I was a small child (I do not bring that up to suggest that your wife will pass away, I do not think she will)- but it was a similar time of crises when my parent was ill and there is no way my family could have gotten through it without the kindness of our community. Please let me pay this forward by helping you.

That is great that you are so wonderful, but not all people are wonderful. My friend's nanny had a stroke and she needed help with the kids for 4 weeks. None of her SAHM friends helped with the kids. Mostly her working friends helped out. Not working and flexible are not synonymous.

Do you get it now?

Well I'm a SAHM and I have most certainly helped out when other moms have needed emergency childcare. But in a situation like that, how would the friends have known how long this nanny was going to be out. 4 weeks is not an insignificant amount of time -it's nice if you can help out like that but I would never assume that a friend could take over childcare duties for me for 4 straight weeks (or more).

We had a situation where my husband was in a wheelchair for 4 months. It was never a life threatening situation and we knew he would recover (although I was very worried that he might never walk normally again - maybe with a cane or a pronounced limp w/pain which would have been really hard for an active guy like my dh to deal with). While he was in the wheelchair he couldn't drive/cook/clean/do yard work. I had to take him to appts, PT, to get his hair cut. Oh, and we had two early elementary kids. He did get visits from some kind folks and it helped him to stay sane - people did offer support and help. But I was disappointed in who did NOT show up and really saddened by the people who seemed to back away from us. Indifferent. Yes, exactly.

I really think that, in our case, people did not want to get involved in what had the potential to be an overwhelming situation for my family. Yes. That sucks.

Hang in there Op. I'm really sorry.

Being SAH or WoH has no bearing on who is generous with their time or not. That was the point of the PP.

I guess my point is that SAH doesn't necessarily mean that you have much, if any, free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for the kindness. It was a massive gut check that I wasn't crazy.

We are in the DC area. I am going to reach out to my wife's school because they have been great in terms of helping me through the morass of leave, disability, etc. I didn't think of reaching out to her school because we've only been here a year (we moved from the west coast last summer, ironically to be closer to her family/take advantage of DC job opportunities for me). My sister has been amazing in terms of keeping things normal and trying to hold some semblance that everything will be fine. My job's been great as well. We are lucky and I know it. I know how close things were. I know how privileged we are to have white collar jobs and to have jobs where we are respected enough and treated well in times like this. I just needed a gut check that I wasn't nuts that this isn't normal.

My wife had a stroke and I didn't want to go into it but it was horrible. She will recovery (we all hope) but it will be a long road and I think my in laws sort of latch onto the "she will be fine" and sort of tune out everything else.

Thank you everyone.

Op, my child's teacher had a massive stroke last year (she is relatively young, mid 40s) and was in the hospital/rehab for months. She should have died but luckily and thankfully she pulled through, but not without over a year of therapies, multiple brain surgeries, etc. She is also a friend of our family and a neighbor.

I completely understand the chaos this must have brought onto your life. I am terribly sorry you are not receiving the help you need and honestly deserve from her family. I doubt you will get anytime soon that help from them. So I second the recommendation to reach out to your community (your church, wife's school, your neighbors, any groups you are in, etc.). Many organizations have a point person that organizes meal trains, task assistants, etc. Churches are great with this. I've received requests for help with meals, help with childcare, grocery runs, laundry help, walking dogs, etc. If I can help, I always do, even if I barely know the person. I am sure I am not the only one that thinks this way. Please don't take this all on your own.

And you should say something to your SIL, but if I were you I would call her and put her on the spot. Text and written emails can be manipulated. Tell her your wife, your partner, the mother of your children, the person you have built a forever life with, has had a massive stroke, that she needs help doing even the most basic things (feeding herself, going to the bathroomm, dressing herself, grooming, etc., I'm just guessing at this, but you get the idea), that you have a toddler and preschooler, your life is in a major crisis and you are so deep down in the hole, you don't see how your life will ever be the same. So your children are lucky to even get their regular mom for christmas, and buying, wrapping and exchanging gifts are the last thing on your mind unless you can buy back your wife's health.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through, OP. Wishing your wife better health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op
Have you sat down and written an email outlining her condition, the prognosis and then specific things you need?

"Update: Susan has XYZ disease which means she cannot walk without assistance, has already had multiple calls and is unable to form the words to articulate her needs. She is unable to pick up our 1 year old, drive, climb stairs and suffers daily headaches requiring her to lay in a dark room for hours.
We are in need of the following assistance to get through the next 6 months. Please let me know if you can help with any of the following:
1. After school care for the kids Weds -Fri, 2-6 pm
2. Meals M, W and F
3. Ride to weekly XYz clinic appointment Monday's at 2 (it is 45 minutes from our house, appt lasts one hour)
4. Someone to help susan get dressed and washed in the am since k have to leave for work so early "

I have received a similar email and it was easier to get help when it was laid out exactly what was needed, instead of a general "if you could come help us that would be great".
So people knew exactly what they would be doing.

Some people are not good with sickness, hospitals, and emotions. They just arent. Some families have never dealt with illness or loss. They may assume you and your sister are dealing with it and don't want to intrude.

You need to ask for help specifically as above before throwing in the towel.

I think you should send this type of email to your wife's family as a last attempt to reach out. And email your sil to say you can't do presents this year. Maybe they just don't understand how serious it is.

Reach out to your school's pto president. The pto can get something going for the school and parents to help.

Sorry you're going through this, I agree with others you need a support group or therapist just for the time being to help you through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife had a life threatening event, which could have killed her (it has a high mortality rate). She was in the ICU and spent three weeks in the hospital. She's home, but still sick. It's going to be months before there is a full recovery.

We have a 1 and 3 year old. It has been devastating.

The thing that is burning me up is that her family has pretty much behaved like this isn't a big deal. They don't call to check in on her. They sort of sat silent while I explained how serious things were and that she was in the ICU. No one reached out to me for support beyond asking if there was anything they could do -- in a way that made it clear that it was more of a gesture than a genuine question (they live hours away).

My parents are dead and my sister actually took FMLA to help me with the kids. It's been brutal, but we are going into the holiday season and I received a text from my wife's brother's wife (my SIL) with a Christmas wish list for her kids. I threw my phone because I was so pissed (yes, I am scheduled to visit a therapist to process this whole thing).

I just don't get it. I don't get how we can all pretend everything is fine and just act as though my wife had a small issue like food poisoning (my MIL described it like this in a group email). I just don't get it.

My in-laws were always surface kind of people. Nice and I liked them, but I just am confused over how hard they work to keep things superficial and light. My life is neither right now.

So, now that I have a new phone (my old phone was years old so throwing it was both cathartic and practical), I am trying to navigate the holidays. We are keeping things small here. I am sending gift cards but leaving it at that. I just want to vent a bit before getting the kids from daycare. Thanks.

geez OP, I'm really sorry that your family is going through this situation. Your in laws sound awful and insensitive. I won't advise in what to say-- if it were me I would have gone off at SIL and probably created a permanent rift. My husband and I both come from terrible families-- we focus our energy on being present for our son and each other. Maybe take the anger and put it toward caring for your wife- she's been raised by people who don't appear to care about her well being and speaking from experience, that's extremely painful.

[Anonymous]

I've been in your shoes, op (although I was the sick one, so I guess my spouse was actually in your shoes), and while my family did help, dh's acted just like your inlaws. We also were very surprised by the friends who did or did not step up to help us. With some distance from the situation, I think that those who do not step up to help either are self-centered (which I hope is the minority), or, more likely, they are hanging on by a thread themselves - not necessarily bc of a major event, but just due to the trials and tribulations of ordinary life, and any demand on their time causes them to freeze and back away.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say I'm really sorry and I wish your wife a speedy recovery and I hope you can find some time to take care of yourself. You are learning so much from this experience in all ways and I believe you will become a better person because of it.

I had an experience that wasn't as intense as yours and I was so upset by the lack of family helping. So i know a little of what you are going through. As others have mentioned, reach out to friends and others.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm really sorry that this happened to your wife and that her family is showing such little concern. I lost my mom in 2001 and saw how helpless people become around illness. It's when I realized that it's easy for friends and family to be there for you during good times, but it's during the rough times you see who your real friends/famiy are. It's one of the reasons I was there for an ex-boyfriend who went through cancer (it came back after 11 years)--taking him to chemo, visiting him, taking him to sperm bank before cancer treatment, helping him buy hats, etc. I was appalled at how unconcerned his "friends" were during that time.

It's obvious that your inlaws are a bunch of assholes. My ILs are like that too. Also, I have only brothers and I could see something like this happening to me. Since we don't have our mother, I've kind of been the surrogate grandma for my nieces, in that I fulfill the role their only grandma does on their mom's side. Example, I've watched his oldest several times when she was very young which required my traveling 4 hours to their town and taking leave. But my brother never reciprocates. I noticed it this Thanksgiving when he basically let me and my husband "watch" his two girls along with my two younger kids. From cooking all week and getting up early w/ the kids I was completely exhausted. He slept in and vegged while I was actively engaged with all of the kids. Not go mention he hardly talked to me except to berate me once for talking too loudly in a parking lot. I've decided to disengage from them b/c of him mainly.

I would not bother responding to your SIL. If it makes you feel better than perhaps an email laying out the facts would make her realize what a complete selfish person she is, but I wouldn't waste my time on that. I have young kids so I know how exhausting it can be even to take care of them with two healthy parents. I would reach out to the school and church, but also, you may need to think about full time child care for the kids. Your sister can't help indefinitely.

Also, do you have any back up care? My job offers it and it's for when our childcare falls through or for help taking care of sick/ailing family members? If so, i would access that. Get a PT baby sitter or nanny to help out for the recovery period.

Good luck OP. My prayers are with you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

I am so sorry - this is awful and overwhelming situation. Obviously these in-laws are completely worthless. They are not going to be there for you - you've asked for help, you've informed them of the very dire needs of your family and they have not stepped up. Ef em. From here on out - they get nothing more from you.

I agree that your wife's colleagues, your colleagues, your neighbors, friends are your next best bet - make sure that they know what is going on with your wife. If you belong to a church make sure that they also know what has happened to your wife. Is it possible to get some home health aid support for your wife? Just having a reliable scheduled break is going to be so important for you. You can not do this alone.

As others have said, your wife is extremely lucky to have such a wonderful husband by her side. With your support she will get through this. My heart so goes out to you, your wife and your children. God bless and hugs to all of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're an adult. You should know by now that your family's wows hardly concern the rest of the world. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it is what it is. Ultimately, nobody gives a shit if you or yours live or die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're an adult. You should know by now that your family's wows hardly concern the rest of the world. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it is what it is. Ultimately, nobody gives a shit if you or yours live or die.

That isn't true. There are plenty of good people out there who do care. Some people are incredibly insensitive, self involved jerks though.