Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most of us read books and watch movies, TV, and build up a completely false idea of how people are. People are not like that at all. The vast majority of people are selfish, greedy, lustful, self-centered ANIMALS. Unfortunately, despite our beautiful dreams of how people should be, most are like your in-laws.

I no longer expect anything from anybody.

Nah. OP's inlaws are terrible. I was unexpectedly hospitalized for a month once. My parents arrived at the hospital same day from a plane ride away. My SIL came that weekend. Random people did all kinds of stuff for us. My family isn't special. That is usually what happens. OP's inlaws really messed up. I would have a really hard time forgiving them.

Who was the most help to you? I'll wager it was your parents and SIL. You're fortunate that you can count on your family to drop everything and come to your aid. Most people don't.

Yes. Just like OP's wife. Those are her blood relatives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most of us read books and watch movies, TV, and build up a completely false idea of how people are. People are not like that at all. The vast majority of people are selfish, greedy, lustful, self-centered ANIMALS. Unfortunately, despite our beautiful dreams of how people should be, most are like your in-laws.

I no longer expect anything from anybody.

Nah. OP's inlaws are terrible. I was unexpectedly hospitalized for a month once. My parents arrived at the hospital same day from a plane ride away. My SIL came that weekend. Random people did all kinds of stuff for us. My family isn't special. That is usually what happens. OP's inlaws really messed up. I would have a really hard time forgiving them.

Who was the most help to you? I'll wager it was your parents and SIL. You're fortunate that you can count on your family to drop everything and come to your aid. Most people don't.

Yes. Just like OP's wife. Those are her blood relatives!

Sometimes those are the folks who can be the least helpful and most disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

Okay. Look, you need to stop trying to get help from people who've made it clear they're not going to help. It sounds like your wife had a stroke. Please DEFINITELY go to therapy for yourself - being a caregiver is super taxing, and to someone who can't communicate, even more so. Please know that having a stroke can give stroke victims a temper. Watch out for that.

You may want to reach out to your wife's school community for help. I'm sure some of her students had stay at home moms who could help out here or there. Reach out to your family, your workplace, your church or temple, etc. Not her family. As much as it sucks, and it does, they're not going to give you what you need. So cut your losses and move on from them.

Not to derail the thread but you are a jerk for writing this. Do you think parents who don't work are just sitting around and waiting for volunteer opportunities? That their time is somehow less valuable? Do you think parents who work are less compassionate? Totally unnecessary.

NP here- you are totally missing the point. She is saying that someone with a flexible schedule who is at home is probably in a position to help out and would jump at the chance. I personally am a work at home mom and I would drop EVERYTHING to go help this family if this was a teacher in my school, a neighbor, gosh whoever it was. How could anyone with a conscience, any mother, not immediately help? However, if I worked in a setting where I had to be sitting at a desk 9-5, this would not be possible.

Do you get it now?

OP, someone else asked if you live in DC. Do you live in DC? Where do you live? How can we help you? I really want to help you in any way I can. I had a parent pass away when I was a small child (I do not bring that up to suggest that your wife will pass away, I do not think she will)- but it was a similar time of crises when my parent was ill and there is no way my family could have gotten through it without the kindness of our community. Please let me pay this forward by helping you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the kindness. It was a massive gut check that I wasn't crazy.

We are in the DC area. I am going to reach out to my wife's school because they have been great in terms of helping me through the morass of leave, disability, etc. I didn't think of reaching out to her school because we've only been here a year (we moved from the west coast last summer, ironically to be closer to her family/take advantage of DC job opportunities for me). My sister has been amazing in terms of keeping things normal and trying to hold some semblance that everything will be fine. My job's been great as well. We are lucky and I know it. I know how close things were. I know how privileged we are to have white collar jobs and to have jobs where we are respected enough and treated well in times like this. I just needed a gut check that I wasn't nuts that this isn't normal.

My wife had a stroke and I didn't want to go into it but it was horrible. She will recovery (we all hope) but it will be a long road and I think my in laws sort of latch onto the "she will be fine" and sort of tune out everything else.

Thank you everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP I just want to say that your wife is really, really lucky to have you, and not because she has such a crappy family (which she clearly does).

As for your inlaws sending wish lists, you could point out that this year your kids' wish list is for their mother to talk again. Let them know that after they get your kids their wish, you're happy to buy them their minions doll or whatever.

Anyhow, more realistically, I am so glad to hear that you are getting therapy and that you are reaching out to others. Most people would 200% willing to help in this situation. Another thing you should also consider -- what about at your kids' day care (I assume that they went if your wife and you both worked)? I have a 1 and a 3 year old and if I knew there was a mom in my class in such trouble, I'd be organizing help for this mom as fast as I could -- as PPs have said: meals, cleaning, and maybe also play dates for your kids. And I'm an overwhelmed WOHM, but there are things that make us human, and doing things like this is one of them.

I am aghast at your family, but d the world is filled with good people; I hope that you can get help from them.

My very best to you and your family and in particular wishing your wife a road ahead to recovery.

[Anonymous]

Wishing you and your family all of the best, OP. Hope she has a smooth recovery!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds horrible. I am so sorry. I agree that you deserve better. Your wife deserves better.

kudos to your sister for stepping up. Sounds like a great woman.

The gift list thing is fucking ridiculous. I also may have thrown my phone.

Ditto all this, except I most definitely would have thrown my phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I just want to say that your wife is really, really lucky to have you, and not because she has such a crappy family (which she clearly does).

As for your inlaws sending wish lists, you could point out that this year your kids' wish list is for their mother to talk again. Let them know that after they get your kids their wish, you're happy to buy them their minions doll or whatever.

Anyhow, more realistically, I am so glad to hear that you are getting therapy and that you are reaching out to others. Most people would 200% willing to help in this situation. Another thing you should also consider -- what about at your kids' day care (I assume that they went if your wife and you both worked)? I have a 1 and a 3 year old and if I knew there was a mom in my class in such trouble, I'd be organizing help for this mom as fast as I could -- as PPs have said: meals, cleaning, and maybe also play dates for your kids. And I'm an overwhelmed WOHM, but there are things that make us human, and doing things like this is one of them.

I am aghast at your wife's family, but d the world is filled with good people; I hope that you can get help from them.

My very best to you and your family and in particular wishing your wife a road ahead to recovery.

PP, fixed the above in my post. So sorry if it was not read the way I intended it.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you, OP. I sensed it was a stroke. That must have been so scary and this uphill battle through recovery will be hard. You hve gotten some good advice here. Please don't hesitate to take some of this advice. It doesn't matter at all that your wife had only been at the school a year or that you're new in town. Our first year at a new preschool, a mother was going through cancer treatments. I didn't know her at all but when the emails went out asking for help with filling a meal calendar for the family, everyone pitched in. I hosted her daughter for a play date with a few other kids and he never met the mother (and the child was even in a different class). I'm not a saint. I'm just not an asshole. I'd like to think most people in your community are the same. We also had a new neighbor fall ill just after having a baby. They had been in the house only a few months and everyone helped out where they could (other parents walked her older kids to and from the bus stop and things like that).

I think what you need is to ask someone you feel comfortable with to assist with organizing help. In the situations I mentioned, it was another neighbor or a room parent that sent a mass email to solicit help. Talk to someone at your wife's school, either a room parent or someone in administration to see if they can help coordinate for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do not think that throwing your phone in exasperation, under the circumstances you describe, is indicative of a need for therapy. Give yourself a break!

Your wife and kids are very fortunate to have you. The type of indifference the in-laws are displaying is just sickening and cold hearted.

[Anonymous]

I've done my share of helping out people in need, many times over the years. But up until fairly recently I had young kids myself who needed supervision. My husband had a demanding full time job and was attending school. There was a very real limit as to how much I could have taken over for another family even if I wanted to. Usually I either had kids with me or was soon going to need to go and get kids - plus the germs. Didn't want to pass those around.

If I had brought an illness into a sick person's home I would have felt horrible. As far as making a casserole or something - I wouldn't know what to send. What could the sick person eat? Is asking what they can eat too personal? Should I drop by and visit or is that putting something more on you as the caregiver? If you and I are chatting on the phone/emailing/hanging out together/going shopping then I am going to feel more comfortable talking to you about the issues you're dealing with. But if we're on more formal, hands off terms...I'm going to step back and take my cues from you and not over step. If I get the impression that you've got things covered and have others supporting you and more casseroles than you could ever eat.... That is good enough. The team around you needs to make YOU feel strong.

Is it possible that the in-laws think that you don't need their help?

[Anonymous]

You're a wonderful husband, OP, and I'm sending you love.

[Anonymous]

Op first I'm so sorry about the stroke and the disappointing response from your wife's family. What I'm going to say next is in no way an excuse for their objectively terrible behavior but just an explanation of how I view people, because it really helps me let go of certain expectations and make peace with what I get from people. Everyone does what they can do and some people can. not. do. illness. It's sad, it's disappointing, it hurts. But to make peace with it, you should try to realize that they are just utterly inadequate and incapable of dealing with it. Apparently they shut down and exist in lala, everything will be ok land. Let go of your expectations of them on this and see if there are other, less challenging to them, ways they can contribute. It's totally ok to communicate to them as pps have suggested that you will not be *doing Christmas* as usual until your wife is well. Just take the emotion and the disappointment out of it, for your own healing, and for that of your wife, when she's recovered. It would be a double blow to lose her family as well because you can't forgive them (your anger is justified but doesn't help you is basically what I am trying to say). Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

Okay. Look, you need to stop trying to get help from people who've made it clear they're not going to help. It sounds like your wife had a stroke. Please DEFINITELY go to therapy for yourself - being a caregiver is super taxing, and to someone who can't communicate, even more so. Please know that having a stroke can give stroke victims a temper. Watch out for that.

You may want to reach out to your wife's school community for help. I'm sure some of her students had stay at home moms who could help out here or there. Reach out to your family, your workplace, your church or temple, etc. Not her family. As much as it sucks, and it does, they're not going to give you what you need. So cut your losses and move on from them.

Not to derail the thread but you are a jerk for writing this. Do you think parents who don't work are just sitting around and waiting for volunteer opportunities? That their time is somehow less valuable? Do you think parents who work are less compassionate? Totally unnecessary.

NP here- you are totally missing the point. She is saying that someone with a flexible schedule who is at home is probably in a position to help out and would jump at the chance. I personally am a work at home mom and I would drop EVERYTHING to go help this family if this was a teacher in my school, a neighbor, gosh whoever it was. How could anyone with a conscience, any mother, not immediately help? However, if I worked in a setting where I had to be sitting at a desk 9-5, this would not be possible.

Do you get it now?

OP, someone else asked if you live in DC. Do you live in DC? Where do you live? How can we help you? I really want to help you in any way I can. I had a parent pass away when I was a small child (I do not bring that up to suggest that your wife will pass away, I do not think she will)- but it was a similar time of crises when my parent was ill and there is no way my family could have gotten through it without the kindness of our community. Please let me pay this forward by helping you.

That is great that you are so wonderful, but not all people are wonderful. My friend's nanny had a stroke and she needed help with the kids for 4 weeks. None of her SAHM friends helped with the kids. Mostly her working friends helped out. Not working and flexible are not synonymous.

Do you get it now?

[Anonymous]

Op, I am sorry for your stressful situation.

My family sucks too. But, I know this and have a non-blood related support system.

Do you or your wife have a support system in place, it is very important. Life is complicated fill it with loving friends.

Also, pick show pry in charge of asking for help. Maybe your wife's best friend.

You need to be specific about your needs.

Best wishes.