Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

Did you specifically ask for help from the ILs?

When I had emergency surgery a few years ago, DH took 2 leaves of leave. He asked my parents to come help the second week so that he could go back to work. My parents are retired though. My kids were young then and needed to be cared for 24-7.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad to hear your wife is improving and I wish her continued healing (as well as healing for you, as you've been handling a lot). Your DW's sisters sound like bitches.

I think the advice about thinking about your guardianship situation is good. It's probably a lot to think about right now, but you should give it some thought in the future, particularly given how your wife's family has acted this month.

[Anonymous]

Is there an update re the visit?

[Anonymous]

Op, your in laws suck. Especially your sisters in law. I'm so sorry. Hope you guys are ok.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully their visit is going well.

[Anonymous]

Happy New Year, OP. I hope 2016 brings you and your family joy and healing. I'm so glad your "village" is coming forward to help.

[Anonymous]

Happy new year op

[Anonymous]

Hope the visit went OK, OP. I would not be able to tolerate a visit from my ILs under such circumstances. I have terrible, horrible ILs who are in complete denial about pretty much everything. My FIL opens every conversation with me with "How's it going, good?" He cannot tolerate anything truthful about real life, which is never completely "good." Two of our children had very serious health problems, and I never even got acknowledgement from my ILs about the problems. DH is so used to them, that he expects nothing from them.

Anyway, I feel your pain, OP, but I also feel such resentment toward my ILs, who seem to think they are "great people." Yes, they think they are compassionate because they are Democrats who care about others, unlike those awful Republicans who are cold and harsh. But guess who showed up to help me with my sick children -- my "terrible" Republican relatives!

BTW, I'm a Democrat too, but I'd never judge the value of a human being based on their political beliefs!!

I'm glad your wife is better, OP. Please update us. I've found support from strangers on the internet is helpful, and I'm glad you've found support here. You can't change your ILs, but feel free to come back and vent if you need to!

[Anonymous]

I too hope everything is going well, OP, and that your family is having a happy new year. As I paged through this thread, I had some inclination to give your inlaws the benefit of the doubt (because far away, maybe trying unhelpfully to focus on the positive, maybe not sure what you need) until I got to the bit about how they decided not to give your kids presents, apparently in retaliation. Because ok, fuck them, for real. Who does that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too hope everything is going well, OP, and that your family is having a happy new year. As I paged through this thread, I had some inclination to give your inlaws the benefit of the doubt (because far away, maybe trying unhelpfully to focus on the positive, maybe not sure what you need) until I got to the bit about how they decided not to give your kids presents, apparently in retaliation. Because ok, fuck them, for real. Who does that?

+1 And they couldn't spare a moment to help, or "let" their husbands go. If my SIL had a medical problem like that, my DH would be in the car that second, at the very least for a long weekend if he didn't have leave time. And I would hold down the fort with our three kids. No question.

[Anonymous]

Update, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here. We've weathered the visit without too much trouble. My in laws, as I suspected, were sort of tone deaf about my wife's condition ("she's looks great! Even lost the baby weight!" says my mother in law). They also thought if they talked loudly and more slowly my wife would suddenly be able to speak more clearly. That weird commercial kept going into my head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aq_1l316ow8

Anyway, the visit ended and my father in law (who rarely talks) pulled me aside and basically said he couldn't bear the thought of losing his daughter. So, he just didn't basically. He went into complete denial. He was apologetic, but the sense I got wasn't sorry for choosing self preservation over facing difficult realities. Which is kind of nice? I haven't heard from my brother in laws or their wives. The brothers have texted my wife, but the conversations have been fairly surface level. No one likes talking about difficult things in that family. That's my big take away. Lesson learned.

We are sort of in this strange new normal. Speech therapist. Occupational therapist. Keeping the chaos to a minimum since my wife is sensitive to loud sounds and lights (our evening nanny has been amazing on this front. Me, less so.). Things keep improving on a weekly basis.

In the meantime, we just continue on. I run a large division so all of that work that was waiting for me is being dug through. I spend a lot of time alone with the kids out and about. I didn't realize it how much I was alone until someone at the kids' tumbling class quietly asked where my wife was since I was obviously married and always alone with the kids. Basically in a Panera I sort of laid everything out, the stroke and the recovery and how crazy it's been to see the life we lived sort of taken up and flipped upside down. I went on about missing California and not having close friends here beyond co-workers we've only known for a few months, which makes it weird to go through this profound mess of an experience with (even though in my tiredness, I didn't mind unloading on a complete stranger).

Long story short, we made a friend! The mom invited my wife and I over for a quiet dinner and we actually hit it off with her and her wife. We've had the kids over for play dates and are slowly building that kind of friendship we had spent a decade cultivating in Santa Cruz. So, even in the midst of a shit storm, there's kindness there. You just have to be open to it.

[Anonymous]

Best wishes, OP.

[Anonymous]

Yes, very best wishes, OP. It's not real life but we on DCUM are rooting for you, your wife, and your family. Please keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, very best wishes, OP. It's not real life but we on DCUM are rooting for you, your wife, and your family. Please keep us posted.

OP here. I cannot express how much all of you helped me through this difficult time. You all were my sanity check, which is a crazy thing to say about a message board. But seriously, thank you guys.