Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family
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Anonymous
| Well, they sound pretty insensitive and useless. I know you say your wife can't speak cogently, but can she communicate her feelings and wishes to you? If so, since they are her family, I'd take the lead from her on how she wants your family to handle their behavior. I am really sorry you are in this situation, and understand that it must be really awful, but I really think it is important to find out your wife's desired reaction to her family's behavior, if at all possible. |
Anonymous
| Print out this thread and include it in a Christmas card to your in-laws. |
Anonymous
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PP. I think I would spare her a depressing conversation like that until she is stronger. Right now there is not a thing she can do about it and it will likely only make her sad to know how little they care and how unwilling they are to help out even when directly asked to help out. The lack of concern not just for her but her kids and husband too is unfortunate but dwelling on it will not help. She needs positive energy now. Focus on getting through this.
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Anonymous
| OP I am very sorry you are going through this. Your wife's family is obviously no help. I certainly would not send gifts. And maybe just stay away from them -- there is more hurt where that came from. |
Anonymous
| Wow, Op - I feel for you. I had a similar situation. I had a pulmonary embolism after delivering my son. My husband was home taking care of a 4 year old and a newborn -while I was in the hospital for 18 days! What as different here was HIS family did absolutely nothing to help him. They didn't visit me once. My family did help, but I know that my husband was completely overwhelmed taking care of 2 kids alone all of a sudden while worrying about my health. Thank fully everything ended up ok - but it did show the true colors of HIS family - and we learned a lot from it. Hang in there, and only do what YOU feel is right. Take care of you, your kids and your wife. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm so sorry. No advice, just wanted to commiserate.
One year into our marriage, my DH underwent emergency brain surgery, a second brain surgery, and chemo and radiation to treat a brain tumor. His parents and sister were totally absent. His dad and mom showed up once in the ICU after the emergency surgery and proceeded to fight with each other so loudly that the nurse had to ask them to leave (they subsequently divorced). His dad came to visit once and made hurtful jokes about DH's weight gain (caused by massive doses of steroids to prevent brain swelling). And they all basically left me alone to deal with every chemo and radiation appointment. His sister was totally MIA and didn't even contact him. I had to quit my job to take care of him. After his second surgery, he almost died, and at one point he was incapable of speaking or forming a coherent sentence. I was 30 years old and faced with the prospect of a husband who would either die or end up in a nursing home, and only my mom was there with me. To this day, not one of them has the faintest idea or curiosity about what happened or the continuing medical issues he has (fortunately treatable with medication). Everyone pretends like it never happened. We also lost some of our closest friends, who just disappeared and never contacted us again. I realize that we are extremely luck that my DH survived and is doing well, but my faith in other people is forever shaken. It's not something therapy can repair. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish you and your family the best -- stay strong, it will get better as time goes on. |
Anonymous
I'm so sorry. Do you still have any kind of relationship with his,? I don't know that I could ever bring myself to speak to them again, and I'm not a vengeful person. I do hope that there were people who came through for you, in ways that you didn't expect, that restored your faith in people at least a little bit. I wonder if those friends,who abandoned you, now that they are older and have lived a little more life, now regret how they handled things. Wishing your DH continued health. |
Anonymous
| ^^with his family |
Anonymous
Well, at a minimum, they could check in every once in a while to see how OP's wife is doing. They could ask if there are items they could have shipped as a care package for the wife or family. They could volunteer to pay for meal delivery once a week. Even if they can't drop everything, they could act like they care about their sister/daughter. |
Anonymous
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OP I am very sorry this is happening to you. There has been some very good advice on this thread. A few pages back on PP talked about investing your time in people. Right now you are in a crisis, but there are some people who just are not worth your time.
I developed a brain tumor in my mid 30s. My family was completely unhelpful. The clincher for me was when my dad told me to go home and die (not to seek treatment) I still do not know what prompted that remark, or his attitude. Perhaps he thought I was just talking ...? But it was an end point for me. Of course this was not advice that I took, and I was very lucky and recovered. The treatment was awful -- I could not walk well for a time, uncontrollable tremors, shook all over, was emotionally a wreck from the brain medications (mood altering) had trouble speaking, thought I was mentally ill and so on. The family had lots of fun wagging their tongues about how "they always knew..." I did recover 100% which will hopefully be your wife's result also. It is amazing that you can really recover from these events. But after months of recovery I had time to sit and think. There are just some people who hurt you and in addition waste your time and energy. The request for presents from your SIL gives me the impression that your in-laws may be those kind of people who need to be put out of your life. It is hard to understand at the time how much of an emotional drag people like that are in life. It is not great for your children, either, even though people will say family at all costs. Some family members need to be replaced with true friends. That was 25 years ago and I have never looked back. It has been peaceful without them. Wishing you a healing Holiday season. And all the best. |
Anonymous
In this situation since the family is well aware that Op is alone and taking care of his seriously ill bedridden wife AND their 2 young kids ..it is terrible that no one has bothered to lift even a finger to lighten their overwhelming load. It's obvious that the Op could use some help. The Op has even requested their help. But no help has been given. That is inexcusable, sorry. I think that a random group of strangers on the street would do better to be quite honest. Sad but true. |
Anonymous
Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help. |
Anonymous
I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks. It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people. |
Anonymous
You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky. But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal. |
Anonymous
| OP I'm so sorry! You'd think that older people could understand strokes? It's not like it's a rare disease that they wouldn't know about. I would cut ties completely with your inlaws. They weren't there in your and their daughter's time of need. |