Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

Op - the fact that your wife is able to get around, communicate (via text), looks terrific and is expected to make a full recovery with her speech is huge! It is wonderful that you had the help of your sister for so long and that your wife's therapists are actually able to come to your house to help with her therapy (I know that I had to TAKE my wheelchair bound husband to his appts - they don't always make house calls). It sounds as though you have got an amazing support system and it is also good that your in-laws are visiting and staying in a hotel. They can drop by for visits and offer assistance as needed. Don't shut them out I am sure that they are concerned about their daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, they are hours away. Second, they may have not actually truly understood the full ramifications of her illness. Third, have they ever been sick? Did they share this with you or are they likely to hide the truth so as to not burden you with the potential devastation they have faced? Would you rush to their side if they were in ICU? Fourth, is it that you are facing for the first time a potential loss? They may have been through many and know not to panic. Even better, they may fear that reacting will magnify the fear. I've seen people die alone in hospitals while the family shows up later hysterical. Some handle the thought of death very differently then others. Fifth, are you just struggling because you have to deal with two small kids?

WTF. Nice way to blame the victim. Moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Things have been crazy, but we are seeing real improvements. My wife can say my daughter's name (who's older) and baby and her therapist is expecting her to make a full recovery. Her body is basically completely intact. If you saw her standing in a line at the post office, you wouldn't know the month she's had. I thank God everyday for how fortunate we were.

My sister went back to California to deal with her life. She probably was the most helpful since she is a nurse and understands this medical stuff. My wife's family are not, but I am not excusing their behavior. It's abhorrent. For the posters who asked about FMLA, she was able to take it since our parents died when she was a teenager. I'm 10 years older and she finished high school and lived with me until she went to college. I imagine it's some sort of exception to exception, but I am happy she was able to take it. We don't really have any other family so her stepping up and helping meant so much.

As for my in laws, my mother in law and father in law will be visiting next week. I don't really know what to expect except that I drew a line that they needed to stay at a hotel. I can't handle guests right now with the amount of people coming in and out for therapies, the new evening nanny, and the kids. It's too much. They have been asking questions and seem to think because my wife can text and "looks amazing," she's fine. She isn't, but I can't with stupid people who don't want to see reality. I am bracing myself for the visit, but truthfully I don't know how they could piss me off more.

As for my wife's brothers, I am sort of done. My wife isn't and she, like other posters suggested, isn't in the "write them off" camp. She sort of views it as a desire to not lose her family of origin on top of everything. I am not pushing things. I have enough to deal with it. My sister in laws have been strangely silent, but I don't care. They apparently decided that since I couldn't do Christmas presents for their kids, they didn't have to for mine. I didn't expect that. I am finishing shopping today for the kids and going to wrap gifts tonight after they go to bed. My wife really wants to make Christmas happen (it's her big holiday so I am trying to carry the torch).

Anyways, happy holidays DCUM. I truly appreciate your emotional support. Strangely, it kept me sane and calm at a time when I thought I wouldn't be able to keep it together. You all are the best.

I'm glad that your wife is feeling better. Merry Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Our families do NOTHING too. Luckily though I've never had a,life threatening situation. So sorry OP. Now you can feel better about doing less for them. What they think about you - none of your business so to speak. Don't worry about their feelings.

I've done less and less with or for my family of origin in recent years. No point they won't return any favors.

[Anonymous]

OP have you considered canceling christmas?? I would.

Also, assuming you still feel anonymous, if you don't mind saying, do u know what may have caused the stroke? You said your wife looks great so I'm wondering how this could happen to a young woman. I am very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Don't cancel Christmas! Your wife is going to make a full recovery - that is a wonderful blessing. You two will get through this together. But in the meantime, enjoy having time together - that, too, is a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you considered canceling christmas?? I would.

Also, assuming you still feel anonymous, if you don't mind saying, do u know what may have caused the stroke? You said your wife looks great so I'm wondering how this could happen to a young woman. I am very sorry.

Life doesn't stop. My mother died four days before Christmas - this year. It sucks. I didn't cancel Christmas because I was overwhelmed with planning the funeral. My kids still need Christmas, even if I am sad. It's called being an adult.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

My husband and I are both fully capable human beings....I still can't just go away for weeks on end to take care of someone else's family nor could my husband - without our own family suffering.
Up until relatively recently he was working full time AND going to school at night. How could he just up and leave? How could I just up and leave when he had a schedule like that? We had kids, schoolwork, activities, dogs and our own house to take care of.

If I had a family member in the overwhelming situation that Op is in I would do what I could from afar to lighten their load. I might even fly in for a long weekend to try to get some local supports in place for them. I could not just shelve my own life for weeks on end though.

Fine, then you'd write a check our send a gift card. Support doesn't come cheap and it sounds like OP needs lots of it now.

I don't know that I would send $$$$. It depends. I know that when my husband was injured I appreciated any show of support and concern - even an email with "Is there anything we can do?". No one sent us cash and I never would have expected anyone to do that.

If you can't come or spend tons of money. You can talk daily, Facetime, and/or Skype. You can talk with the caregiver and give him positive thoughts. You can say Don;t worry about CHristams for us AND-I will do Christmas and pack up a few boxes of already wrapped CHrismas presents- so all he has to do is open box, place under tree or in stockings. You can bake cookies and send them. You can write a postcard every day. Mail is great when you are going through a trial. You can pull out your contacts on Facebook and find people who live near to come and visit to give respite to the caregiver. There are TONS of things one can do from afar in this day and age.

[Anonymous]

can't read 12 pages but just want to weigh in that my husband's family never helped during any time we had health issues. They deny, deny. Very superficial people. Explains a lot about my husband.

[Anonymous]

It's strange and sad when people show you who they are, OP.

[Anonymous]

As for my in laws, my mother in law and father in law will be visiting next week. I don't really know what to expect except that I drew a line that they needed to stay at a hotel. I can't handle guests right now with the amount of people coming in and out for therapies, the new evening nanny, and the kids. It's too much. They have been asking questions and seem to think because my wife can text and "looks amazing," she's fine. She isn't, but I can't with stupid people who don't want to see reality. I am bracing myself for the visit, but truthfully I don't know how they could piss me off more.

As for my wife's brothers, I am sort of done. My wife isn't and she, like other posters suggested, isn't in the "write them off" camp. She sort of views it as a desire to not lose her family of origin on top of everything. I am not pushing things. I have enough to deal with it. My sister in laws have been strangely silent, but I don't care. They apparently decided that since I couldn't do Christmas presents for their kids, they didn't have to for mine. I didn't expect that. I am finishing shopping today for the kids and going to wrap gifts tonight after they go to bed. My wife really wants to make Christmas happen (it's her big holiday so I am trying to carry the torch).

OP I am glad your wife is feeling better. I had similar unfeeling relatives when I had a serious illness. I also "looked OK" I know you are angry now and you have a right to be. Spend as little time as possible with them. You don't have to draw a bright line right now (although I know you would love to slap them ...) You will probably never forget that they have a major flaw in their characters, but after your wife gets fully recovered she can decide how much she wants to see or interact with them. For me it was the last straw when my family was so indifferent. I did not carry hate for them -- too much of a burden, did not refuse to speak with them, just moved them into a category of "not such important people to me." It really is a burden to have a fight with family members, but that does not mean you have to put up with their craziness right now.

[Anonymous]

Is your wife able to get around? Is she able to cook or help with her own self care? How much is she able to do with/for the kids?

If she looks great in pictures and sounds like herself in texts, maybe the in-laws truly aren't aware that she is unable to get around and do things for herself. Maybe they really don't get that she can't drive or shower or cook for herself.

[Anonymous]

OP, how is it going? Have the in laws arrived yet? I hope you had a nice Christmas!

[Anonymous]

Merry belated Christmas, OP.

Wishing your DW continued healing and recovery.

It's times like this that unfortunately you get insights into others' true character, or lack thereof.

Such is the case with your ILs. For whatever reason, they don't want to face reality. It's painful to recognize this, but please focus on DW and finding support from non family and when and where you can. You might be surprised to see who comes forward for you.

[Anonymous]

Hope you and your family are as well as can be expected op! Please update when you can.