Is it okay to reveal an SO's secret to a loved one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad title, but say you found out some potentially scandalous information about a loved one's SO do you tell them?
It's about the SO's past, but you are fairly certain your loved one doesn't know.
Tell or keep mouth shut.

What is SO?

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is all very Gladys Kravitz.

[Anonymous]

Okay, then I say by all means let your LO know. "Hey, this is awkward, but when my friend Bob saw your girlfriend Marley, he immediately recognized her as an escort he hired a few years ago."

I would also add that if you don't have the guts to say it to him personally, then that means you shouldn't tell him.

+1 to this. My real problem with the OP is that s/he clearly has an agenda wrt the SO. S/he doesn't "just" want her LO to know; she wants her LO to break up with his SO. And that makes OP a bad messenger for this information. If you can truly just tell your LO what you know, and only what you know 100 percent for sure, and with no editorializing, then do it. But if you can't do those things, then don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll put my $20 on you tell them, they already know, and it ruins your relationship. It'll serve you right too.

+100

Any "concerned relative" who revealed they'd been poking around in my private business this much would be immediately persona-non-grata. Clearly someone with no respect for boundaries, I refuse to have people like that in my life. I'm with Jesus - I'd rather hang out with the whores than the observant (in the religious law sense) busybodies.

Yes. Jesus would obviously turn on his loved ones because of a misguided attempt to protect him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay, then I say by all means let your LO know. "Hey, this is awkward, but when my friend Bob saw your girlfriend Marley, he immediately recognized her as an escort he hired a few years ago."

I would also add that if you don't have the guts to say it to him personally, then that means you shouldn't tell him.

+1 to this. My real problem with the OP is that s/he clearly has an agenda wrt the SO. S/he doesn't "just" want her LO to know; she wants her LO to break up with his SO. And that makes OP a bad messenger for this information. If you can truly just tell your LO what you know, and only what you know 100 percent for sure, and with no editorializing, then do it. But if you can't do those things, then don't.

Any messenger better than no messenger for this type of information.

Simply put, LO has a right to know and make his own decisions.

[Anonymous]

For those saying MYOB:

Assume that OP came across a video on the internet showing her LO's SO giving a hate-filled racist speech to a group of Aryan Nationalists. Now should she tell?

Assume that OP, a lawyer, happened to find a report of SO's conviction for aggravated assault & armed robbery, with a video of SO beating a convenience store clerk. MYOB? Assume that LO already knows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Jesus would obviously turn on his loved ones because of a misguided attempt to protect him.

Actually, he would...Jesus wasn't a big fan of sticking your nose in other people's business:

"But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men's matters." - 1 Peter 4:15

And the classic:

"How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those saying MYOB:

Assume that OP came across a video on the internet showing her LO's SO giving a hate-filled racist speech to a group of Aryan Nationalists. Now should she tell?

No, of course not. The issue is sticking your nose in other people's business. This is not about "conservative" vs. "liberal" values of what should be accepted and what should be shunned. It's about boundaries and whose place it is to judge.

I would politely decline to have anything to do with a hate-filled racist - either to invite them into my home or to be their guest or in any other way be associated with them. If the OP is similarly offended by the sex work, she can politely decline (not make an overt snub) to have anything to do with the couple any longer as well.

I would have a hard time wanting to hang out with a "LO" who wanted to be involved with a virulent racist...probably because it would reveal to me something about my "LO" that made me realize I didn't really share their values and they were no longer a "loved one". I have relatives I have nothing to do with because I perceive them to have some seriously repellant attitudes...and former friends I've left in the past for the same reason. I would kind of verify whether or not the "friend" or "relative" actually shared those beliefs and I'd see what the SO had to say as well, but then, it's easy to find out someone's views on public policy, and not so much to ask them about their personal sex life, because...well, it's their personal, private sex life - would you ask your grandmother about her sex life? Would it be any of your business? These things are called "boundaries".

But that's not what the OP is talking about here, is it? What she really wants to do is dynamite the relationship between the "LO" and his "SO". She thinks she's found something ugly enough to drive a wedge between them. If what she really wants is to not have a sex worker in her life, she can do that without revealing anything to either of the couple.

[Anonymous]

Email would not work LO could trace it back to me.

I'm willing to own that I am confused/concerned about the relationship. and just "felt" like something was "up"I didn't have anything tangible, and now I do.

You are right that I don't know 100% LO doesn't already know. Though based on what I know to be true of LO, it isn't likely.
However based on what I know of LO, I wouldn't have thought they'd be dating this person so maybe I don't know them that well. Maybe we aren't as close as I thought.

Think I'll sit with this for now, holidays are going to be dramatic enough without revealing this.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is a little different than deciding to tell LO about an ongoing affair or a situation that is ongoing.

Frankly, if this is a past issue and LO is happy in the relationship, I would not say anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anonymouslynyrd send the pen video SO is in to your LO.

I thought about doing just this, but couldn't think of a way to do it that wouldn't come back to me.

Fake hotmail account.

I agree with this 100%. This way, you're ensuring your LO has the information without making them/their SO feel awkward around you if they already knew about it/decide to continue relationship once they find out. If there's some way to request a read receipt on the email, if do it, to make sure it didn't wind up deleted as junk since it was coming from an anonymous address. Or put something in the message to give the person instructions on how to find it themselves "Dear Bob, I think this is information you should have if you don't already. Please visit the following link or Google Amber+escort+Maryland and once you do, please just reply saying "I saw it." I promise you that I will never bring this up again or in person. Signed, someone who loves you"

If the LO has any computer skills, he or she will find out where it came from. This is a terrible idea. OP, don't be a coward and a snitch. If you are going to do this, you must face your LO and risk being seen as a meddling bitch. It is possible that the LO will be grateful but even if this is taken as a reason to dump the SO, people usually do want to shoot the messenger. You should not have gone snooping and confirming this and now it is yours to live with.

lol, I'm the one who suggested sending anonymously. Apologies for the word scramble, I typed real fast on my phone and didn't check before I submitted. The porn you saw the SO in - is it available on DVD, or is it just on the internet? If on the internet, could you buy it and download it on a CD or flash drive, and then mail it to your LO?

I normally like to stay out of people's business, but in this case I think your LO should know. What if he ends up marrying her and having kids with her, and said kid finds his mom in internet porn later in life. What if said kid's friends see his mom in porn? If I was LO I would want to know as I think it may be a deciding factor in marrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anonymouslynyrd send the pen video SO is in to your LO.

I thought about doing just this, but couldn't think of a way to do it that wouldn't come back to me.

Nope....if you have the balls to intefere in their relationship, be an adult about it. Tell him face to face and own up to it...since you care about him so much.

[Anonymous]

Pretty much any "LO" I would leave it alone unless it were my dad or brother. My dad, I would share it but let him make his own decision, my little brother, I would absolutely tell and then do everything in my power to make him realize this person is a wrong choice. That would be presuming I didn't like the person. There are exceptions, people with a shady past who have come around, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Okay, then I say by all means let your LO know. "Hey, this is awkward, but when my friend Bob saw your girlfriend Marley, he immediately recognized her as an escort he hired a few years ago."

I would also add that if you don't have the guts to say it to him personally, then that means you shouldn't tell him.

+1 to this. My real problem with the OP is that s/he clearly has an agenda wrt the SO. S/he doesn't "just" want her LO to know; she wants her LO to break up with his SO. And that makes OP a bad messenger for this information. If you can truly just tell your LO what you know, and only what you know 100 percent for sure, and with no editorializing, then do it. But if you can't do those things, then don't.

Any messenger better than no messenger for this type of information.

Simply put, LO has a right to know and make his own decisions.

True...and he also has the right to say "Alleged LO, I was happy with Bambi and now you have made it a point to ruin that for me. Thanks for telling me and I have decided to break up with her. However, you will be a constant reminder of this incident and I do not really appreciate you medlling in my life behind my back, thus, I do not want to have anything to do with you."

Because the way I am wired, I would ask a lot of questions of OP if she came to me with this. And if it came out that she made a research project out of this, I would likely conclude that she was a meddlesome so and so who wanted to sabotage my relationship and my happiness. Now if it is ongoing, completely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much any "LO" I would leave it alone unless it were my dad or brother. My dad, I would share it but let him make his own decision, my little brother, I would absolutely tell and then do everything in my power to make him realize this person is a wrong choice. That would be presuming I didn't like the person. There are exceptions, people with a shady past who have come around, etc.

OP here,
the LO is one of the two relationships you say you would spill for.

I've decided not to say anything right now, no need to create drama before the holidays.

To the other pps who say I'm on a campaign to destroy the relationship that's not the case at all. I do not understand this relationship. I have privately questioned the SO's motives and that's it.

I did not hire a PI to dig into the SO's past.

Someone I know told me this information and I looked into it. As you do. Or as I think you do if someone told you that kind of information, I couldn't just brush it off.

Now I know, and I think this new evidence may lend some creedence to my feelings about SO"s sincerity.

However, it's been pointed out many times that I have no proof my LO doesn't already know this information and telling the will likely cause drama. I'm trying to avoid holiday drama this year, so for now I'm going to leave it alone.