Is it okay to reveal an SO's secret to a loved one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know. I have indisputable proof from a reliable source. I truly doubt my LO knows.
I'm not trying to shame or embarrass anyone, but I think the SO is a manipulator and a user and I think my LO deserves to know the truth before making any major decisions.

The problem is that you have an agenda. You don't just want to make sure your LO is aware; you when him/her to dump the SO.

I think that, if you are 100 percent sure, you tell the LO. With no editorializing. "LO, you may already be aware of this, but I've found out from X that SO used to be a sex worker. I'm telling you this only because, if you didn't know, it's possible that you might want to be tested for STDs."

Then Let. It. Go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know. I have indisputable proof from a reliable source. I truly doubt my LO knows.
I'm not trying to shame or embarrass anyone, but I think the SO is a manipulator and a user and I think my LO deserves to know the truth before making any major decisions.

The problem is that you have an agenda. You don't just want to make sure your LO is aware; you when him/her to dump the SO.

I think that, if you are 100 percent sure, you tell the LO. With no editorializing. "LO, you may already be aware of this, but I've found out from X that SO used to be a sex worker. I'm telling you this only because, if you didn't know, it's possible that you might want to be tested for STDs."

Then Let. It. Go.

I still really don't see how it's the OP's business. If she really feels that she needs to tell, I think your statement would read better saying, "LO, you may already know this, but I found out from X that SO used to be a sex worker. I'm telling you this only because, in your situation, I would want to know this before making any major decisions."

[Anonymous]

For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

It's not your relationship to manage, for starters. You sound like you really dislike this person, but your information doesn't seem specific - you have irrefutable evidence from a reliable source. So does that mean that someone else you trust visited a prostitute and took pictures? What kind of sex worker are we talking about? You say this person seems like they're using your friend, but you aren't specific about that either - using them how, for money? For respectability?

I'd be more convinced of your honorable intentions if they didn't seem to be inextricably linked with shaming someone for their history.

[Anonymous]

Just wondering what's less shameful -- never mentioning it because it's too taboo, or mentioning it in a neutral way with the expectation that the person on the receiving end can incorporate this information in their life to the extent it's relevant?

I personally think that the "shame" of sex work accrues to the user of the sex worker. IMO, sex work is an abuse of power. Sex work exists only because of sexist stereotypes, inequities of money and power and opportunity. IMO, I'd want to know about a history of sex work in my SO's past not only because of the possibility for STIs, but also because such a history of abuse would be a very relevant piece of information in understanding him/her. Sort of like knowing that your SO's father used to beat the crap out of her. Shameful secret in a way, but not reflective of her, just incredibly powerful part of her past that will continue to have an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

[Anonymous]

Prostitute? Stripper? Porn star?

If the activity was current, I could see a compelling argument to tell. If it's in the past, then no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Because they're moral relativists (sex work = OK) who are also, perversely, moral absolutists (everyone must agree that sex work = OK).

THEY don't think that it should matter if your LO's partner was a sex worker, therefore your LO should not be told that partner was a sex worker because HIS opinion of dating a sex worker may not be the same as theirs.

Rather than allow your LO to make his own decision with full information, they would prefer that you betray your relationship with LO and withhold the information from him. Since he may lack their enlightened worldviews, he must not be allowed to make informed decisions for himself.

Jeebus. People s*ck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

Because I care about my LO they are good people, but somewhat naive int the matters of the heart. Because my LO is very successful and in a position that attracts users. Because this information could impact them socially.
Because they barely know this person, and I don't trust this person has the best intentions.
I don't know about you but I don't like to see those I care about being taken advantage of.

It's not gossip, maybe started off that way, but I've seen the evidence myself. It's a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Because they're moral relativists (sex work = OK) who are also, perversely, moral absolutists (everyone must agree that sex work = OK).

THEY don't think that it should matter if your LO's partner was a sex worker, therefore your LO should not be told that partner was a sex worker because HIS opinion of dating a sex worker may not be the same as theirs.

Rather than allow your LO to make his own decision with full information, they would prefer that you betray your relationship with LO and withhold the information from him. Since he may lack their enlightened worldviews, he must not be allowed to make informed decisions for himself.

Jeebus. People s*ck.

Op doesn't seem to be coming from a place where she (he?) would simply share the information and let loved one deal with it. Op seems intent on blowing up the relationship. I think people are reacting to that bit as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

Because I care about my LO they are good people, but somewhat naive int the matters of the heart. Because my LO is very successful and in a position that attracts users. Because this information could impact them socially.
Because they barely know this person, and I don't trust this person has the best intentions.
I don't know about you but I don't like to see those I care about being taken advantage of.

It's not gossip, maybe started off that way, but I've seen the evidence myself. It's a fact.

Successful but naive might have been good information to include in your op. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

Because I care about my LO they are good people, but somewhat naive int the matters of the heart. Because my LO is very successful and in a position that attracts users. Because this information could impact them socially.
Because they barely know this person, and I don't trust this person has the best intentions.
I don't know about you but I don't like to see those I care about being taken advantage of.

It's not gossip, maybe started off that way, but I've seen the evidence myself. It's a fact.

Look, OP. I think a lot depends on what kind of sex work we're talking about. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a stripper, and you know this because someone you trust saw her dance and told you, I think that's not really something that you need to share. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a prostitute/escort, and you know this because someone you trust saw her doing that (or patronized her) and told you, I can see why you would think it's relevant and that you'd want to know if it was you. But it's not you. It's your friend, who is an adult.

Why are you so protective of your wealthy but naive friend? Do you think this would bother him, if he found out? How will you respond if the situation ends up being very different than you thought (sex worker actually a victim of trafficking, etc.)? Are you prepared to lose your friendship over this issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Because they're moral relativists (sex work = OK) who are also, perversely, moral absolutists (everyone must agree that sex work = OK).

THEY don't think that it should matter if your LO's partner was a sex worker, therefore your LO should not be told that partner was a sex worker because HIS opinion of dating a sex worker may not be the same as theirs.

Rather than allow your LO to make his own decision with full information, they would prefer that you betray your relationship with LO and withhold the information from him. Since he may lack their enlightened worldviews, he must not be allowed to make informed decisions for himself.

Jeebus. People s*ck.

I don't really have an opinion one way or another on whether any particular person should think sex work is okay. I think that's a personal thing between the two people in the couple. I don't think that the OP's friend has a "right" to know about this anymore than he has a "right" to know about anything else his girlfriend has done in the past. The OP, however, is inserting herself into a relationship she's not part of. It's not her relationship. She's oddly possessive of this friend.

[Anonymous]

So what are you going to do, OP? Ask your loved one how he feels about his girlfriend having been a sex worker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

Because I care about my LO they are good people, but somewhat naive int the matters of the heart. Because my LO is very successful and in a position that attracts users. Because this information could impact them socially.
Because they barely know this person, and I don't trust this person has the best intentions.
I don't know about you but I don't like to see those I care about being taken advantage of.

It's not gossip, maybe started off that way, but I've seen the evidence myself. It's a fact.

Look, OP. I think a lot depends on what kind of sex work we're talking about. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a stripper, and you know this because someone you trust saw her dance and told you, I think that's not really something that you need to share. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a prostitute/escort, and you know this because someone you trust saw her doing that (or patronized her) and told you, I can see why you would think it's relevant and that you'd want to know if it was you. But it's not you. It's your friend, who is an adult.

Why are you so protective of your wealthy but naive friend? Do you think this would bother him, if he found out? How will you respond if the situation ends up being very different than you thought (sex worker actually a victim of trafficking, etc.)? Are you prepared to lose your friendship over this issue?

SO did porn I discovered this through someone I trust, it is also likely they were involved in "escorting" . These are things you'd want to know right?
Hadn't considered the trafficking angle, but how likely is that?
I don't think my LO would knowingly date someone like that.