Is it okay to reveal an SO's secret to a loved one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Because they're moral relativists (sex work = OK) who are also, perversely, moral absolutists (everyone must agree that sex work = OK).

THEY don't think that it should matter if your LO's partner was a sex worker, therefore your LO should not be told that partner was a sex worker because HIS opinion of dating a sex worker may not be the same as theirs.

Rather than allow your LO to make his own decision with full information, they would prefer that you betray your relationship with LO and withhold the information from him. Since he may lack their enlightened worldviews, he must not be allowed to make informed decisions for himself.

Jeebus. People s*ck.

I don't really have an opinion one way or another on whether any particular person should think sex work is okay. I think that's a personal thing between the two people in the couple. I don't think that the OP's friend has a "right" to know about this anymore than he has a "right" to know about anything else his girlfriend has done in the past. The OP, however, is inserting herself into a relationship she's not part of. It's not her relationship. She's oddly possessive of this friend.

Don't see how I'm being possessive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

Because I care about my LO they are good people, but somewhat naive int the matters of the heart. Because my LO is very successful and in a position that attracts users. Because this information could impact them socially.
Because they barely know this person, and I don't trust this person has the best intentions.
I don't know about you but I don't like to see those I care about being taken advantage of.

It's not gossip, maybe started off that way, but I've seen the evidence myself. It's a fact.

Look, OP. I think a lot depends on what kind of sex work we're talking about. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a stripper, and you know this because someone you trust saw her dance and told you, I think that's not really something that you need to share. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a prostitute/escort, and you know this because someone you trust saw her doing that (or patronized her) and told you, I can see why you would think it's relevant and that you'd want to know if it was you. But it's not you. It's your friend, who is an adult.

Why are you so protective of your wealthy but naive friend? Do you think this would bother him, if he found out? How will you respond if the situation ends up being very different than you thought (sex worker actually a victim of trafficking, etc.)? Are you prepared to lose your friendship over this issue?

SO did porn I discovered this through someone I trust, it is also likely they were involved in "escorting" . These are things you'd want to know right?
Hadn't considered the trafficking angle, but how likely is that?
I don't think my LO would knowingly date someone like that.

On the one side:
As someone who has worked in this advocacy field, I would say that many sex workers are coerced. There is a documentary called "Hot Girls Wanted" that details the experiences of several webcam girls. Even the ones who are excited about what they're doing are being used. It's entirely possible that your friend's girlfriend has left that life behind and is trying to start over. Your telling her boyfriend about this may do lasting damage, cause her to go back to her previous life, etc.

On the other side:
I know a few people who have worked as strippers who are not ashamed of this work. They don't feel that it makes them bad people or people who can't engage in relationships normally. One of them is also an elementary school teacher. The number of people I know who were exotic dancers while in law school or medical school would probably surprise you.

If you truly think that it's important, I would suggest that you talk to HER and see what the story is. Perhaps your friend already knows.

[Anonymous]

I don't really have an opinion one way or another on whether any particular person should think sex work is okay. I think that's a personal thing between the two people in the couple. I don't think that the OP's friend has a "right" to know about this anymore than he has a "right" to know about anything else his girlfriend has done in the past. The OP, however, is inserting herself into a relationship she's not part of. It's not her relationship. She's oddly possessive of this friend.

Don't see how I'm being possessive.

You're not, and I'd wager that PP's answer would be totally different if it were an issue that s/he cared about.

Once again, s/he's projecting her worldview about sex workers (ambivalence) onto your LO. If it were an issue that PP personally found troubling/offensive (LO's partner had a virulently racist past for example), PP's attitude towards disclosure would likely be very different.

Bottom line: You have information that LO does not, and it's reasonable to believe that LO would like to know this information. Therefore, you tell LO and let LO make his own decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't really have an opinion one way or another on whether any particular person should think sex work is okay. I think that's a personal thing between the two people in the couple. I don't think that the OP's friend has a "right" to know about this anymore than he has a "right" to know about anything else his girlfriend has done in the past. The OP, however, is inserting herself into a relationship she's not part of. It's not her relationship. She's oddly possessive of this friend.
---
Don't see how I'm being possessive.

You're not, and I'd wager that PP's answer would be totally different if it were an issue that s/he cared about.

Once again, s/he's projecting her worldview about sex workers (ambivalence) onto your LO. If it were an issue that PP personally found troubling/offensive (LO's partner had a virulently racist past for example), PP's attitude towards disclosure would likely be very different.

Bottom line: You have information that LO does not, and it's reasonable to believe that LO would like to know this information. Therefore, you tell LO and let LO make his own decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

Because I care about my LO they are good people, but somewhat naive int the matters of the heart. Because my LO is very successful and in a position that attracts users. Because this information could impact them socially.
Because they barely know this person, and I don't trust this person has the best intentions.
I don't know about you but I don't like to see those I care about being taken advantage of.

It's not gossip, maybe started off that way, but I've seen the evidence myself. It's a fact.

Look, OP. I think a lot depends on what kind of sex work we're talking about. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a stripper, and you know this because someone you trust saw her dance and told you, I think that's not really something that you need to share. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a prostitute/escort, and you know this because someone you trust saw her doing that (or patronized her) and told you, I can see why you would think it's relevant and that you'd want to know if it was you. But it's not you. It's your friend, who is an adult.

Why are you so protective of your wealthy but naive friend? Do you think this would bother him, if he found out? How will you respond if the situation ends up being very different than you thought (sex worker actually a victim of trafficking, etc.)? Are you prepared to lose your friendship over this issue?

SO did porn I discovered this through someone I trust, it is also likely they were involved in "escorting" . These are things you'd want to know right?
Hadn't considered the trafficking angle, but how likely is that?
I don't think my LO would knowingly date someone like that.

On the one side:
As someone who has worked in this advocacy field, I would say that many sex workers are coerced. There is a documentary called "Hot Girls Wanted" that details the experiences of several webcam girls. Even the ones who are excited about what they're doing are being used. It's entirely possible that your friend's girlfriend has left that life behind and is trying to start over. Your telling her boyfriend about this may do lasting damage, cause her to go back to her previous life, etc.

On the other side:
I know a few people who have worked as strippers who are not ashamed of this work. They don't feel that it makes them bad people or people who can't engage in relationships normally. One of them is also an elementary school teacher. The number of people I know who were exotic dancers while in law school or medical school would probably surprise you.

If you truly think that it's important, I would suggest that you talk to HER and see what the story is. Perhaps your friend already knows.

Hmm now I'm a little torn SO has made a big deal about how great my LO is. I thought it was part of their game, but if it turns out SO is trying to turn life around and was coerced I'd feel a little bad about it, but I still feel like my Lo should know either way.
Maybe the best thing to do is to speak to the SO?

[Anonymous]

Tell. Not only a health issue but a horrible character flaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Because they're moral relativists (sex work = OK) who are also, perversely, moral absolutists (everyone must agree that sex work = OK).

THEY don't think that it should matter if your LO's partner was a sex worker, therefore your LO should not be told that partner was a sex worker because HIS opinion of dating a sex worker may not be the same as theirs.

Rather than allow your LO to make his own decision with full information, they would prefer that you betray your relationship with LO and withhold the information from him. Since he may lack their enlightened worldviews, he must not be allowed to make informed decisions for himself.

Jeebus. People s*ck.

I don't really have an opinion one way or another on whether any particular person should think sex work is okay. I think that's a personal thing between the two people in the couple. I don't think that the OP's friend has a "right" to know about this anymore than he has a "right" to know about anything else his girlfriend has done in the past. The OP, however, is inserting herself into a relationship she's not part of. It's not her relationship. She's oddly possessive of this friend.

Don't see how I'm being possessive.

+1. Her first priority is the best interest of her loved one, not the privacy rights of a virtual stranger. She absolutely has a right to tell her loved one.

[Anonymous]

I think it matters a lot specifically what the evidence is and HOW you found it. Did you go searching for it?

The answers to these questions could greatly affect how your LO receives the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

Because I care about my LO they are good people, but somewhat naive int the matters of the heart. Because my LO is very successful and in a position that attracts users. Because this information could impact them socially.
Because they barely know this person, and I don't trust this person has the best intentions.
I don't know about you but I don't like to see those I care about being taken advantage of.

It's not gossip, maybe started off that way, but I've seen the evidence myself. It's a fact.

Look, OP. I think a lot depends on what kind of sex work we're talking about. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a stripper, and you know this because someone you trust saw her dance and told you, I think that's not really something that you need to share. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a prostitute/escort, and you know this because someone you trust saw her doing that (or patronized her) and told you, I can see why you would think it's relevant and that you'd want to know if it was you. But it's not you. It's your friend, who is an adult.

Why are you so protective of your wealthy but naive friend? Do you think this would bother him, if he found out? How will you respond if the situation ends up being very different than you thought (sex worker actually a victim of trafficking, etc.)? Are you prepared to lose your friendship over this issue?

SO did porn I discovered this through someone I trust, it is also likely they were involved in "escorting" . These are things you'd want to know right?
Hadn't considered the trafficking angle, but how likely is that?
I don't think my LO would knowingly date someone like that.

On the one side:
As someone who has worked in this advocacy field, I would say that many sex workers are coerced. There is a documentary called "Hot Girls Wanted" that details the experiences of several webcam girls. Even the ones who are excited about what they're doing are being used. It's entirely possible that your friend's girlfriend has left that life behind and is trying to start over. Your telling her boyfriend about this may do lasting damage, cause her to go back to her previous life, etc.

On the other side:
I know a few people who have worked as strippers who are not ashamed of this work. They don't feel that it makes them bad people or people who can't engage in relationships normally. One of them is also an elementary school teacher. The number of people I know who were exotic dancers while in law school or medical school would probably surprise you.

If you truly think that it's important, I would suggest that you talk to HER and see what the story is. Perhaps your friend already knows.

Hmm now I'm a little torn SO has made a big deal about how great my LO is. I thought it was part of their game, but if it turns out SO is trying to turn life around and was coerced I'd feel a little bad about it, but I still feel like my Lo should know either way.
Maybe the best thing to do is to speak to the SO?

So now the idea is that you should go behind the back of your LO to talk to his SO about her past and their relationship in order to protect her?

That's truly insane. What are you going to do--evaluate her statement of her past and decide if it's satisfactory to you and, if so, refrain from telling your LO?

Your obligation--your sole obligation--is to your LO. If HE wants to talk to SO and she wants to explain it to HIM, that's their prerogative.

Doing otherwise would truly be sticking your nose into their business.

As for the PP who's done advocacy, it is not OP's place to withhold information from a LO to (hypothetically) protect a third party. That's a decision that LO should be free to make for himself, not be made for him.

[Anonymous]

No.

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you saying it's not my business, why do you feel that way?

Why do you feel it is your business? Your loved one may very well already know this secret, and what you want to reveal may not necessarily be true. It sounds like you are passing along gossip you heard from someone else, not something you have first-hand knowledge of. What if you're wrong?

Because I care about my LO they are good people, but somewhat naive int the matters of the heart. Because my LO is very successful and in a position that attracts users. Because this information could impact them socially.
Because they barely know this person, and I don't trust this person has the best intentions.
I don't know about you but I don't like to see those I care about being taken advantage of.

It's not gossip, maybe started off that way, but I've seen the evidence myself. It's a fact.

Look, OP. I think a lot depends on what kind of sex work we're talking about. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a stripper, and you know this because someone you trust saw her dance and told you, I think that's not really something that you need to share. If your friend's girlfriend used to be a prostitute/escort, and you know this because someone you trust saw her doing that (or patronized her) and told you, I can see why you would think it's relevant and that you'd want to know if it was you. But it's not you. It's your friend, who is an adult.

Why are you so protective of your wealthy but naive friend? Do you think this would bother him, if he found out? How will you respond if the situation ends up being very different than you thought (sex worker actually a victim of trafficking, etc.)? Are you prepared to lose your friendship over this issue?

SO did porn I discovered this through someone I trust, it is also likely they were involved in "escorting" . These are things you'd want to know right?
Hadn't considered the trafficking angle, but how likely is that?
I don't think my LO would knowingly date someone like that.

On the one side:
As someone who has worked in this advocacy field, I would say that many sex workers are coerced. There is a documentary called "Hot Girls Wanted" that details the experiences of several webcam girls. Even the ones who are excited about what they're doing are being used. It's entirely possible that your friend's girlfriend has left that life behind and is trying to start over. Your telling her boyfriend about this may do lasting damage, cause her to go back to her previous life, etc.

On the other side:
I know a few people who have worked as strippers who are not ashamed of this work. They don't feel that it makes them bad people or people who can't engage in relationships normally. One of them is also an elementary school teacher. The number of people I know who were exotic dancers while in law school or medical school would probably surprise you.

If you truly think that it's important, I would suggest that you talk to HER and see what the story is. Perhaps your friend already knows.

Hmm now I'm a little torn SO has made a big deal about how great my LO is. I thought it was part of their game, but if it turns out SO is trying to turn life around and was coerced I'd feel a little bad about it, but I still feel like my Lo should know either way.
Maybe the best thing to do is to speak to the SO?

So now the idea is that you should go behind the back of your LO to talk to his SO about her past and their relationship in order to protect her?

That's truly insane. What are you going to do--evaluate her statement of her past and decide if it's satisfactory to you and, if so, refrain from telling your LO?

Your obligation--your sole obligation--is to your LO. If HE wants to talk to SO and she wants to explain it to HIM, that's their prerogative.

Doing otherwise would truly be sticking your nose into their business.

As for the PP who's done advocacy, it is not OP's place to withhold information from a LO to (hypothetically) protect a third party. That's a decision that LO should be free to make for himself, not be made for him.

PP here. It's not the OP's place to interfere in other people's relationships in the first place! I think she should let it go all together. I was simply pointing out that her belief about the SO's history might not be as it seems. Many sex workers are abused, and it's not ridiculous to consider the consequences of one's actions, even if the actions are justified.

If I found out that my brother's girlfriend had been a webcam girl in the past, I would be concerned, but my brother is an adult. It's not my job to vet his girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think it matters a lot specifically what the evidence is and HOW you found it. Did you go searching for it?

The answers to these questions could greatly affect how your LO receives the information.

Lets say the SO was recognized by person(s) I trust and I followed up on their hunches.

I'm not trying to use this info as a "gotcha moment".

Though I've had my concerns about this relationship from the start, I did not go digging for dirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it matters a lot specifically what the evidence is and HOW you found it. Did you go searching for it?

The answers to these questions could greatly affect how your LO receives the information.

Lets say the SO was recognized by person(s) I trust and I followed up on their hunches.

I'm not trying to use this info as a "gotcha moment".

Though I've had my concerns about this relationship from the start, I did not go digging for dirt.

I don't know. I think maybe it is best to stay out of this one. Maybe your LO does not want to know about his or her past. It is really between the two of them to discuss that. Originally I said that you should tell but now I am kind of thinking this could be a tragic story and you might really have a negative impact on this relationship. It is not your place to determine if they should be together or not. People lie about their sexual pasts all the time. Most women do not give accurate partner counts to their SO. Some men also do not share the whole truth. It just isn't for you to decide. I also feel like you have your own reasons for wanting this relationship to end but maybe your LO is really happy.

[Anonymous]

I'll put my $20 on you tell them, they already know, and it ruins your relationship. It'll serve you right too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymouslynyrd send the pen video SO is in to your LO.