DS struggling in the first few weeks of college, and it's killing me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope OP is on her way.

Hope she's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope OP is on her way.

Hope she's not.

Me too! Hope her dis had a good week.

[Anonymous]

Pp, am I the only one who would have been mortified if my parents showed up on campus just a few weeks after drop off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.

Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all?

Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.
You could give him notice now and then some time to think about what he wants to do. You want him to take some ownership and responsibility in helping himself, while helping as his mom. It's a fine line!
I feel for you OP!

Don't do this,,the very definition of helicoptering.

I agree. 2 weeks is not enough time to swoop in and fix his problems. At 2 weeks, you can be the lifeline on the phone to help him talk it out and brainstorm ideas, but it's way too early. He has to learn to adjust and start to solve problems on his own. I would think the earliest that you want to go and "save him" is around mid-terms? Maybe Halloween? But 2 weeks? Definitely way too soon to be saving the day. He hasn't really been given a chance to try and fix things on his own, and you're already there to prevent him from learning and building that life experience that college is meant to help impart.

Did you even read the post you are responding to?

Yes, I did. Did you? I agreed with the short line above mine that this was too much helicoptering. I thought the previous comment about the parents actually going to see the young adult after only 2 weeks was really too much. Although he was having some trouble, going up there to coddle him and swoop in to save the day before he really had a chance to learn how to cope on his own was much too early. I suggested that the OP would want to wait at least another 6-7 weeks otherwise the son would never fledge and would call Mama every time he needed a little handholding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes time. You need to normalize this for him. College is a big transition for everyone. Encourage him to use the resources at hand and also to find his people through clubs, etc. Has he had a panic attack before, is he sure that's what happened? Treat it as a health issue like any other, not an indication of some huge mismatch.

Your tone is going to determine a lot here about his response. Remember the days on the playground when he'd fall and look to you to see whether it hurt? That's happening again. That's why he called to tell you about the panic attack. He's trying to figure out how worried to be. Have faith in the tools you've already given him to get through adversity and he will have faith in them also.

This! It's up to you to normalize this and tell him more kids feel this way than not despite how appearances might have him thinking otherwise. Your reaction to this will either cause him to overreact or to calm down and realize its part of the process- nothing more. At Dartmouth they told us it can take up to 2 months for a freshman to fully adjust. It is hard but a necessary step in crossing the threshold into adulthood- he will gain mich confidence from working this out on his own.

[Anonymous]

You wrote that he loves what he is studying, and that he is at his dream school. He can turn this around. Tell him to throw himself into his school work, and make that his first priority. Suggest that he ask people out to lunch, if he is depressed looking, he won't be as approachable. It takes time to make friends, and he shouldn't take his lack of friendships to seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp, am I the only one who would have been mortified if my parents showed up on campus just a few weeks after drop off?

This is what I don't understand.
The OP said it's a couple hours away. My commute to work is 1 1/2, so I am not getting the big deal about taking your child out to dinner.
Many kids live at home and go to school, presumably see their parents daily and, gasp, may eat with them.
I'm not getting the whole "swooping in and solving their problems" from taking your child out to dinner for an hour.

[Anonymous]

OP said "He doesn't have much in common with the kids immediately around him in his dorm (I met them at drop off and knew right away it would be a poor fit)," which tells me she makes major decisions on very little information.

How can you possibly know that no one is his dorm can be his fried? The people my mother was sure were my type were not. At all. The person she said "seems kind of weird" became my roommate my first year out of college, and we're still in touch, decades later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said "He doesn't have much in common with the kids immediately around him in his dorm (I met them at drop off and knew right away it would be a poor fit)," which tells me she makes major decisions on very little information.

How can you possibly know that no one is his dorm can be his fried? The people my mother was sure were my type were not. At all. The person she said "seems kind of weird" became my roommate my first year out of college, and we're still in touch, decades later.

I get what you are saying but I know when my kids are entering a situation in which the fit is poor. You mother may not have guessed correctly but in OP's case there does seem to be a poor fit. It doesn't mean her DS can't find friends and his niche, but it may be that he should switch schools. My DD was in a residential summer program and I knew the day we dropped her off that the other kids were not her type. She formed no real bonds that summer.

OP isn't making any decisions, she's reacting off of her DS. Given the anxiety all parents have when their kids go to college for the first time, I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said "He doesn't have much in common with the kids immediately around him in his dorm (I met them at drop off and knew right away it would be a poor fit)," which tells me she makes major decisions on very little information.

How can you possibly know that no one is his dorm can be his fried? The people my mother was sure were my type were not. At all. The person she said "seems kind of weird" became my roommate my first year out of college, and we're still in touch, decades later.

I get what you are saying but I know when my kids are entering a situation in which the fit is poor. You mother may not have guessed correctly but in OP's case there does seem to be a poor fit. It doesn't mean her DS can't find friends and his niche, but it may be that he should switch schools. My DD was in a residential summer program and I knew the day we dropped her off that the other kids were not her type. She formed no real bonds that summer.

OP isn't making any decisions, she's reacting off of her DS. Given the anxiety all parents have when their kids go to college for the first time, I get it.[/quote

To be fair, it is also possible op is projecting some of her own anxiety about her kid adjusting to college on her kid. I was also a bit confused by that statement about the other kids in the dorm. There are many kids that live in a dorm, she was unlikely to see more than half a dozen. And jumping to the conclusion that her kid is at the wrong school after two weeks is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Half a dozen kids using the corridor wall for lacrosse practice (just an example) is more than enough to make life in a particular hall a huge headache. These things happen. Doesn't mean he won't find friends or ??eventually like the school.