DS struggling in the first few weeks of college, and it's killing me
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Anonymous
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Bright, outgoing DS has been at school for about two weeks and it doesn't sound like things are going that well. He was a BMOC in high school and this appears to be a very rough transition for him. He doesn't have much in common with the kids immediately around him in his dorm (I met them at drop off and knew right away it would be a poor fit), hasn't joined any groups or teams, and seems to be spending a lot of time alone. He is communicating sporadically (not at all unusual) but said today via text that he had experienced a panic attack this afternoon. I was glad that he told me, tried to let him know it was OK *if* things were not going as spectacularly as expected (knowing full well they are not) and assured him as well that it's ok not to feel totally settled two weeks in. I suggested that he speak to his RA and also consider a visit to the campus counseling center. To me, experiencing a panic attack is a pretty big deal.
Beyond that, I don't know what to do and feel *very* sad. He's my eldest and so this is all new territory. Should I be doing more? Less? I'm divorced from his dad on very poor terms and my good friends are either childless or have younger children. I don't know who to talk to, or what to do. Probably nothing, right? |
Anonymous
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Good advice re: RA and counseling center. I don't think he should 'consider' it. I think you should strongly encourage him to go.
How far away is he? |
Anonymous
| What is BMOC? |
Anonymous
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OP here. "BMOC" = big man on campus. In high school. Very different for college!
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Anonymous
He is about two hours away by car. Almost too easy to race over. Yes, I will try to push him a little harder toward counseling. |
Anonymous
| Has he had panic attacks before? |
Anonymous
| Same exact situation here. Mine went to the counseling center, was encouraged to try things(exactly what I said) and was helped a bit. Hang in there! |
Anonymous
Would it be wrong to visit him and have a meal off campus? |
Anonymous
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Aw, man, I want to give him a hug. The college transition is really hard, I think especially for kids who had a great high school experience. Once classes get under way, he will get to know a lot more people and things will improve a bit. Really encourage him to get involved in something. Feeling like he belongs, even if it's with a friend group that doesn't end up sticking, will give him a safety net.
If he opens up to you about things more, let him know that other kids are feeling overwhelmed too. It's really hard to believe when you see people seeming like they are having fun, but most college freshman have rough patches. And hang in there, mom! |
Anonymous
No, he is usually a very self-assured, confident (but not cocky) person. Though he feels things very deeply and has always been sensitive, I was very surprised when he told he'd had a panic attack. It does not seem in character for him. |
Anonymous
| He needs to join stuff to meet people. Usually there is an activity / club fair early in the year. Tell him to go sign up for a few things. |
Anonymous
| I'd give him a bit more time. I had a good friend, also make, also a nice, popular kid in high school, who had a hard time freshman year. He went home during winter break and decided to go to the community college and live at home. It worked out well and he transitioned back to the university junior year. He just wasn't a great fit for dorm life. |
Anonymous
| Male, not make |
Anonymous
| I'd try not to panic yourself. Your suggestion of counseling was excellent, but also remember, the first few weeks of college are really rough for a lot of people. I HATED my first few weeks. It wasn't until classes got in full swing and I could occupy myself with coursework fully, and that I became more comfortable on campus and met a good friend or two, that I felt better. Give it some time. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.
Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all? Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward. You could give him notice now and then some time to think about what he wants to do. You want him to take some ownership and responsibility in helping himself, while helping as his mom. It's a fine line! I feel for you OP! |