DS struggling in the first few weeks of college, and it's killing me

[Anonymous]

Get in the car tomorrow morning and go see him. You and your DS will feel a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd give him a bit more time. I had a good friend, also make, also a nice, popular kid in high school, who had a hard time freshman year. He went home during winter break and decided to go to the community college and live at home. It worked out well and he transitioned back to the university junior year. He just wasn't a great fit for dorm life.

This is my kid. He's doing better, but really had a rough freshman year. Things were more extreme for him and he's on antidepresssants. You do what you gotta do.

[Anonymous]

OP -- couple things from someone who went thru something similar not that long ago -- nothing wrong with you going to see him. If you do that -- go, buy him a meal, talk for a few hrs, and leave. I wouldn't do anything "overboard" like getting a hotel room for the weekend and encouraging him to stay with you. Also it's better for you to visit him than for him to come to you. You say he's only 2 hrs away -- esp if it's an "easy" commute as in he has a car or a direct train route or something, don't get in the habit of saying he should just come home for the weekend. A lot of times kids will do this to get away every weekend and then they feel even more on the outside bc they are missing out on weekend social activities or just even casually wandering the dorm.

How long did he go to his previous school district? I think your mantra should be -- you've only been in college for 2 weeks, you can't expect to have the same relationships in 2 weeks that you developed over 12 yrs back at home.

Also -- what kind of school is it? Small college? Large university? Rural? Urban? I know people here keep saying -- talk to the RA, but honestly I wouldn't. I found them to be useless -- they were anywhere from sophomores to 1st yr grad students at my school and honestly the majority were not in it to help frosh, they were in it for the free room and board. Any kind of "social" issues like this -- they'd act like you were a weird outcast who needed hand holding. It was the rare RA who helped you get involved w/o making you feel like you were a social misfit or somehow conveying to others -- this person is a loser, do me a favor and have dinner with them a few times??

Is he talking to people in classes? That's where I found it easiest -- bc you see the same people day in and day out and even in large lectures, the same people start to sit in the same seats. He should be striking up conversations before and after class. He needs to put himself out there -- if class ends at noon, he should be saying to those around him -- I was going to grab food at x, does anyone want to come? He doesn't look like he's desperate for company -- as he isn't putting anyone in an awkward spot as they can just say 'sorry I have another class in 10 min.' But it won't be surprised if a few people go along bc they recognize him from the dorms and now he's the friendly guy in class.

Same thing if there's a student union/café at school. Go there to study, hang out, listen to music, whatever. Eventually the same kids who see him all the time will get to know him.

Easiest way to make friends -- pledge a fraternity if his school allows fall pledge or join club sport.

[Anonymous]

College students are at risk for all sorts of mental health problems, For the life of me I don't understand the opposition to going to the counseling center. Its so much better to head off a serious situation than to allow things to get worse. there is no downside. And this is precisely how you encourage independence. Instead of making yourself the person they rely on for their emotional well-being, they learn to be in charge of it themselves which includes learning to go for help when necessary. The day my DD went to the counseling center at her school because of a rough patch was the day I knew she would be OK because she's learned how to go for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.

Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all?

Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.
You could give him notice now and then some time to think about what he wants to do. You want him to take some ownership and responsibility in helping himself, while helping as his mom. It's a fine line!
I feel for you OP!

Don't do this,,the very definition of helicoptering.

I agree. 2 weeks is not enough time to swoop in and fix his problems. At 2 weeks, you can be the lifeline on the phone to help him talk it out and brainstorm ideas, but it's way too early. He has to learn to adjust and start to solve problems on his own. I would think the earliest that you want to go and "save him" is around mid-terms? Maybe Halloween? But 2 weeks? Definitely way too soon to be saving the day. He hasn't really been given a chance to try and fix things on his own, and you're already there to prevent him from learning and building that life experience that college is meant to help impart.

Did you even read the post you are responding to?

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine telling a kid who is having trouble figuring out how to cope, "Join a frat."

[Anonymous]

College counseling psychologist here. Talking to the campus counselor may not be necessary, and I agree that these types of adjustment issues in the first few weeks of school are normal and not always an indicator of a bigger problem. Still, the campus counselors are there for a reason, and now is a good time to make an appointment because they aren't yet flooded with kids they may they will be in a month or two. Often one or two appointments can be a help. It helps to have someone not related to you yet older, wiser to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College students are at risk for all sorts of mental health problems, For the life of me I don't understand the opposition to going to the counseling center. Its so much better to head off a serious situation than to allow things to get worse. there is no downside. And this is precisely how you encourage independence. Instead of making yourself the person they rely on for their emotional well-being, they learn to be in charge of it themselves which includes learning to go for help when necessary. The day my DD went to the counseling center at her school because of a rough patch was the day I knew she would be OK because she's learned how to go for help.

Excellent point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is to tell him to focus on school work for now. He should be hanging out all day and all night in the library getting ahead so that grades don't suffer. It gives him something to do and somewhere to go that is away from the dorms. It also is a legitimate place to be alone. He will be amazed at how many people are there and after a while he will be friends with all of them. If there are study groups in his classes that's also a good way to find new friends. A part time job on campus is also a good idea. The gym, the coffee shop, the student commons are all good spots for an easy job that gets you face recognition will a lot of people.

+1. Focus on school work ... the best advice you can give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College students are at risk for all sorts of mental health problems, For the life of me I don't understand the opposition to going to the counseling center.

It can not hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College students are at risk for all sorts of mental health problems, For the life of me I don't understand the opposition to going to the counseling center. Its so much better to head off a serious situation than to allow things to get worse. there is no downside. And this is precisely how you encourage independence. Instead of making yourself the person they rely on for their emotional well-being, they learn to be in charge of it themselves which includes learning to go for help when necessary. The day my DD went to the counseling center at her school because of a rough patch was the day I knew she would be OK because she's learned how to go for help.

I think people were reacting to the directive that the parent "require" the kid to go to counseling. It's an option that I beLieve op already mentionedmto her son. Nothing wrong with going if he feels it would be helpful but not necessary for all kids who are having a little difficulty adjusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.

Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all?

Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.
You could give him notice now and then some time to think about what he wants to do. You want him to take some ownership and responsibility in helping himself, while helping as his mom. It's a fine line!
I feel for you OP!

Don't do this,,the very definition of helicoptering.

I agree. 2 weeks is not enough time to swoop in and fix his problems. At 2 weeks, you can be the lifeline on the phone to help him talk it out and brainstorm ideas, but it's way too early. He has to learn to adjust and start to solve problems on his own. I would think the earliest that you want to go and "save him" is around mid-terms? Maybe Halloween? But 2 weeks? Definitely way too soon to be saving the day. He hasn't really been given a chance to try and fix things on his own, and you're already there to prevent him from learning and building that life experience that college is meant to help impart.

Did you even read the post you are responding to?

.?? Thread makes perfect sense, what first post suggested is too much parental involvement.

[Anonymous]

Reading this at first I thought, oh goodness it's just two weeks.

But then I thought about how after my freshman year -- and I had a bunch of friends and a boyfriend -- I wanted to take a year off. I felt overwhelmed and just tired (I know now I was depressed, I medicate for this now) but I couldn't give better more concrete reasons than that so my parents brushed it off and wouldn't agree to it. I went back sophomore year and bombed out. I eventually went back to college and finished but who knows how things might have been different if they had really heard me and stepped in.

This is a long way of saying, you know your child, we don't. If you think he needs help, help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this at first I thought, oh goodness it's just two weeks.

But then I thought about how after my freshman year -- and I had a bunch of friends and a boyfriend -- I wanted to take a year off. I felt overwhelmed and just tired (I know now I was depressed, I medicate for this now) but I couldn't give better more concrete reasons than that so my parents brushed it off and wouldn't agree to it. I went back sophomore year and bombed out. I eventually went back to college and finished but who knows how things might have been different if they had really heard me and stepped in.

This is a long way of saying, you know your child, we don't. If you think he needs help, help him.

Man here who had same situation. Parents had no idea how to help. Although I have done well for myself, there is a part of me that wonders what might have been..... Personally, you have to get those thoughts out of your mind or they will destroy the good things about your life.

OP, I wish you and your son the very best!

[Anonymous]

Hope OP is on her way.