DS struggling in the first few weeks of college, and it's killing me

[Anonymous]

1. Did he tour this school before hand and was it one of his top choices?

2. Is he majoring in something he wants to or in something that he feels he has to?

3. If he is at Penn, I would be worried - things can spiral out of control in terms of pressure

4. Counseling is a must. Ask him to go right away - there is no stigma in going. I wish I had taken advantage of counseling. I only went once in senior year - it would've helped to have gone more.

[Anonymous]

I'd also recommend he talk to his academic advisor. Is he happy with his classes/course load? I remember going through the same thing as a freshman. I finally readjusted my schedule (dropped a way too advanced level class) added a music class (that I loved, and where I met my core friend group), and got an on-campus job. My dad was great about listening when I needed and reminding me "I could always come home" while gently encouraging me forward.

If the roommate issue is ca

[Anonymous]

Does he know anyone there at all? I know when my younger brother was struggling freshman year, seeing the only familiar face on campus really helped.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, if the roommate issue is causing him the most grief, you can always request a room change. It's better than some of the alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.

Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all?

Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.

I think his dad is going soon, actually. He is pretty good with DS but we just suck together and communicate horribly. I will encourage his dad to follow this good advice, since he'll be seeing DS soon, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Did he tour this school before hand and was it one of his top choices?

2. Is he majoring in something he wants to or in something that he feels he has to?

3. If he is at Penn, I would be worried - things can spiral out of control in terms of pressure

4. Counseling is a must. Ask him to go right away - there is no stigma in going. I wish I had taken advantage of counseling. I only went once in senior year - it would've helped to have gone more.

1. Yes -- I think this almost makes it worse -- "dream school" and all, and it's not really working as he'd thought.
2. Yes -- super excited about his coursework.
3. No
4. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

A girl will soon solve his homesickness

[Anonymous]

I was miserable my first few weeks of college. My roommates and I were not a great match. I spent most of the first 2 weeks sleeping in another dorm with some HS friends. I lost weight b/c I didn't want to eat in the cafeteria alone. It was pretty terrible.

Then I realized that this was my life and I had to adjust. I started participating in dorm activities. A friend encouraged me to join a club sports team. Suddenly I had new friends.
In fact my best friend to this day is someone I met in college at the beginning of freshman year.

He needs to get involved in some sort of activity and make friends. Encourage him to get involved. I know it can be tough if he is having panic attacks and is maybe even depressed but he'll find his clique if he tries.

If he was BMOC maybe a fraternity or club sports team might be where he finds his new crew.

Good luck to him

[Anonymous]

Honestly the first semester sucks for everyone. It's just a big transition. I think making friends would help. My sorority really helped me.

[Anonymous]

OP, mine each benefited from a VERY light schedule 1st semester freshmen year - 12 credits. I really encourage this. Freshmen year is such a huge adjustment. Or make sure they know they can drop their worst class if they are in over their heads.

[Anonymous]

When you're used to being BMOC, to all of a sudden NOT be, is VERY unsettling. He doesn't KNOW how to not be adored and it's throwing him. Are you SURE it was a panic attack and he wasn't just being a typical dramatic teenager? Maybe he was just crying hard and can't remember experiencing that.

Strongly encourage him to go to the mental health people, and make sure he pushes them to help him now. Some colleges are slow to get the therapy going. Follow up with him on the RA - if that person isn't helpful, encourage him to escalate to the RD, who is generally older than the RA and should be able to provide more help and support. Encourage him to join a few things. At least three. Tell him he can drop out of one or two, but needs to find a social group.

It's okay if the dorm floor isn't his cup of tea (solo cup of beer?) - he can move next year.

[Anonymous]

Well I will go against the grain and not suggest counseling yet.

Having a panic attack isn't really horrible. It happens.

It's been 2 weeks. And I can understand for someone who is used to being popular and had not had the experience of being the one to introduce himself, or make an effort that all of a sudden realizing that yeah, you are going to have to work at socializing can be rough. I think it's ok if he feels sad and even depressed for a short time. It's something he has to work through. If it goes on longer than a month, then yes, look at counseling.

Social issues aside, you may also want to consider if he might just really be homesick and miss the familiarity of home and you taking care of him and it's hard for him to express that to you.

[Anonymous]

Is his school have pass/fail or covered grades first semester like JHU, swarthmore, or MIT?

That helps a lot - all schools need to follow this policy to help with the transition.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him he can always transfer but that he shouldn't focus on that right now because the deadlines are late. Its not that difficult to do and its a well-worn path. To me that gut feeling you got when you saw the other students is meaningful. Schools have cultures and it sounds like this one is a bad fit. He shouldn't have to tough it out.

However, its early days and its also possible he just hasn't found his people. I would also insist on counseling. Things can go south very quickly and its helpful to have a professional on board to head that off. The counseling center will also be able to reassure him that he's not alone to feel this way and because they know the campus they may be able to point him toward activities with like-minded people.

I wouldn't freak out about the panic attack. Even if things were going well the overwhelming nature of the transition could spark something like that. The danger is if he begins to have anxiety about another panic attack coming on -- it can become a vicious cycle. So, again, the counseling center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.

Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all?

Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.
You could give him notice now and then some time to think about what he wants to do. You want him to take some ownership and responsibility in helping himself, while helping as his mom. It's a fine line!
I feel for you OP!

Don't do this,,the very definition of helicoptering.