DS struggling in the first few weeks of college, and it's killing me
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Anonymous
Really, you are a piece of work. |
Anonymous
You don't say... 
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Anonymous
Not helping, pps. OP, I agree with the posters who said that the kids who were popular in HS usually have it rougher the first few weeks. I was on the fringes in HS, and thought I'd died and gone to heaven in college. That being said, I didn't find my core group until probably a few weeks in. And by late September, it was great. Give it time. Did he say what triggered the attack? Was it being lonely? Worried he wouldn't ever find friends? Thinking he made a mistake in colleges? Or just missing his popular status? I think that makes a difference in what you advise. F/e: if he was doubting his ability to stick it out, I would suggest counseling. If he's concerned about making friends, I don't think he needs to go to counseling, I would just try to be encouraging and let him know it will get better, IF he puts himself out there (frat, clubs, sports). |
Anonymous
Definitely go to vusit but only if he wants you too. He may say "you dont have to come, its ok" but you should be able to tell if he really wants you to come. Tough love may not be the way to go here, panic attacks are not the same as regular old homesickness. Let him know that its ok to have a gough transition and to actually not be ready to be away. |
Anonymous
Um, no it doesn't. If this was truly a panic attack, it doesn't just happen. And it is horrible. The person experiencing can feel like they are literally dying. What's not a big deal is going to see a counselor on campus. It certainly can't hurt, so why wouldn't you? I don't think you driving up there will help. You will have a nice meal or whatever and he'll feel good to be with his mom and then you'll leave and he'll feel the loss of you and feel crappy again. Just let him push through it. I had a rough transition to college and it took a good 3 weeks to warm up. I basically didn't eat anything for three weeks because I was so homesick. Eventually, I made friends and got into a groove. He'll find some like-minded people. It will just take a bit of time. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| My advice is to tell him to focus on school work for now. He should be hanging out all day and all night in the library getting ahead so that grades don't suffer. It gives him something to do and somewhere to go that is away from the dorms. It also is a legitimate place to be alone. He will be amazed at how many people are there and after a while he will be friends with all of them. If there are study groups in his classes that's also a good way to find new friends. A part time job on campus is also a good idea. The gym, the coffee shop, the student commons are all good spots for an easy job that gets you face recognition will a lot of people. |
Anonymous
| I do not know if your son's school talked to you about this at parent orientation. It is totally natural for there to be adjustment issues within the first month. Most colleges expect it. They also say that you should NOT step in like you would at home. They want the kids to learn to start using the resources available to them on campus to resolve these issues. Many will tell you NOT to rush up there and NOT to allow him to come home immediately. Urge him to use the resources the school provides. That being said, your DS is going through something that is natural. |
Anonymous
Yes. I was pretty unhappy my first couple of months of college. I talked to my RA, I talked to friends, I learned how to cope. If I had needed my parents, they would have come. But what I needed was to learn how to fix things on my own. |
Anonymous
| Hi, you sound like an awesome mom! I have children so I understand it's hard to watch them struggle but I think you are doing all you can. He will learn and grow so much through it all. I think you gave him great advice to speak to the RA and counselor. Change can be hard so I think it will just take time to adjust and learn new coping mechanisms. It's important that he reach out to others...get involved and meet new people. I pray that things will get easier for him and he will start making friends and building healthy happy relationships. In Jesus name amen! |
Anonymous
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It takes time. You need to normalize this for him. College is a big transition for everyone. Encourage him to use the resources at hand and also to find his people through clubs, etc. Has he had a panic attack before, is he sure that's what happened? Treat it as a health issue like any other, not an indication of some huge mismatch.
Your tone is going to determine a lot here about his response. Remember the days on the playground when he'd fall and look to you to see whether it hurt? That's happening again. That's why he called to tell you about the panic attack. He's trying to figure out how worried to be. Have faith in the tools you've already given him to get through adversity and he will have faith in them also. |
Anonymous
| OP did any of his friends from HS go to this same college? Sometimes having a meal or doing something with kids from their HS helps ease them into their new school. As classes get underway hopefully he will start meeting new people. Also, encourage him to hit the gym when he is feeling stressed. It's a good way to expend energy and also a great place to meet people. If it's JMU, it can be an overwhelming place socially for some kids, especially at the beginning. If it's UVA, it can be pretty overwhelming to be around so many type a's if he was used to being king of the hill at his HS. |
Anonymous
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OP, you sound really reasonable to me as well. I don't like that others have dismissed your worries. Sometimes depression does kick in in college when the kids are away for the first time. And, it is often harder for boys since they tend to mature later. He may really miss home and is too afraid to tell you.
Stay close and let him know he can text/call any hour of the day. Good luck! |
Anonymous
I agree. When I was a freshman, the RA and I just didn't really connect. He and several of the guys on my dorm floor were sports jock types and they understood each other. At the time, I really wasn't very receptive to an adult like a counselor because that just felt more like a parent which is what I was trying to get away from. I found a club, well, actually the club essentially found me when the current president saw me one evening when I was looking for a diversion and roped me in. That guy and several of the friends that I met in this club became some of my best friends. 4 of them are still my best friends almost 30 years later. The club president who roped me in? He was a senior and he became a bit of the mentor that this young freshman needed and I learned a lot from him about how to adjust to college. In my junior and senior year, I was also president of the same club and I do know that I roped in some freshman, and I also helped some of them with the transition to college. It's a time-honored rite of passage that is a cycle. While you can encourage your son to go to a counselor, also suggest that he look for clubs that interest him and try to see if he can find others including maybe some upperclassmen who might be able to help him transition to college. |
Anonymous
I agree. 2 weeks is not enough time to swoop in and fix his problems. At 2 weeks, you can be the lifeline on the phone to help him talk it out and brainstorm ideas, but it's way too early. He has to learn to adjust and start to solve problems on his own. I would think the earliest that you want to go and "save him" is around mid-terms? Maybe Halloween? But 2 weeks? Definitely way too soon to be saving the day. He hasn't really been given a chance to try and fix things on his own, and you're already there to prevent him from learning and building that life experience that college is meant to help impart. |