DS struggling in the first few weeks of college, and it's killing me

[Anonymous]

I think he needs to talk it out with a counselor, the campus one is a good start and may be sufficient. There's something going on we don't have a handle on.

[Anonymous]

College is where you learn to live independently. Op, resist your impulse to tell him what to do. Unless he is depressed, which frankly it doesn't sound like, there is no need for counseling. He will be in many situations in life that don't go exactly as planned. Give him the freedom to learn how to deal on his own, or there will be much bigger problems down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I will go against the grain and not suggest counseling yet.

Having a panic attack isn't really horrible. It happens.

It's been 2 weeks. And I can understand for someone who is used to being popular and had not had the experience of being the one to introduce himself, or make an effort that all of a sudden realizing that yeah, you are going to have to work at socializing can be rough. I think it's ok if he feels sad and even depressed for a short time. It's something he has to work through. If it goes on longer than a month, then yes, look at counseling.

Social issues aside, you may also want to consider if he might just really be homesick and miss the familiarity of home and you taking care of him and it's hard for him to express that to you.

But that is what the campus counselor is ideal for. Someone to bounce these feelings off of and help decide -- give it more time, come back for more counseling, see an outside therapist, make a change at school, etc. See the counselor. It can't hurt.

The dinner -- I don't object to it but think he really needs to see the counselor. He may be willing to open on some things with the counselor but not to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I will go against the grain and not suggest counseling yet.

Having a panic attack isn't really horrible. It happens.

It's been 2 weeks. And I can understand for someone who is used to being popular and had not had the experience of being the one to introduce himself, or make an effort that all of a sudden realizing that yeah, you are going to have to work at socializing can be rough. I think it's ok if he feels sad and even depressed for a short time. It's something he has to work through. If it goes on longer than a month, then yes, look at counseling.

Social issues aside, you may also want to consider if he might just really be homesick and miss the familiarity of home and you taking care of him and it's hard for him to express that to you.

But that is what the campus counselor is ideal for. Someone to bounce these feelings off of and help decide -- give it more time, come back for more counseling, see an outside therapist, make a change at school, etc. See the counselor. It can't hurt.

The dinner -- I don't object to it but think he really needs to see the counselor. He may be willing to open on some things with the counselor but not to you.

Wow, you are pushy. The kid just sounds homesick; counseling doesn't seem necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP - if DC is only two hours away, I'd just drive down and spend a day with him. NO counseling yet. Just take him out to lunch, coffee and talk. Sometimes, you just need to calibrate their perspectives... Don't try to over fix it.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that your BMOC is acting kind of entitled? The fact that you told us immediately how popular he was in high school seems telling somehow. Maybe he could try just acting like a regular kid and not like he's special and uniquely charming and fascinating. My regular kids are loving college just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - if DC is only two hours away, I'd just drive down and spend a day with him. NO counseling yet. Just take him out to lunch, coffee and talk. Sometimes, you just need to calibrate their perspectives... Don't try to over fix it.

Going there is "overfishing". No wonder kids have trouble adjusting to college these days, never allowed to have a bad day without mom or dad jumping it to "calibrate." Getting through some difficulties by oneself is how kids grow up, even if it is hard to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - if DC is only two hours away, I'd just drive down and spend a day with him. NO counseling yet. Just take him out to lunch, coffee and talk. Sometimes, you just need to calibrate their perspectives... Don't try to over fix it.

Going there is "overfishing". No wonder kids have trouble adjusting to college these days, never allowed to have a bad day without mom or dad jumping it to "calibrate." Getting through some difficulties by oneself is how kids grow up, even if it is hard to see.

OP's kid is not having a bad day. He is having a serious of bad days. My sense is that if child's struggle is not getting any better, it's time to help him. You need to know when to jump in and help. there's a fine line between letting kids grow up and neglecting your parental duty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - if DC is only two hours away, I'd just drive down and spend a day with him. NO counseling yet. Just take him out to lunch, coffee and talk. Sometimes, you just need to calibrate their perspectives... Don't try to over fix it.

Going there is "overfishing". No wonder kids have trouble adjusting to college these days, never allowed to have a bad day without mom or dad jumping it to "calibrate." Getting through some difficulties by oneself is how kids grow up, even if it is hard to see.

OP's kid is not having a bad day. He is having a serious of bad days. My sense is that if child's struggle is not getting any better, it's time to help him. You need to know when to jump in and help. there's a fine line between letting kids grow up and neglecting your parental duty.

Your poor kids. College kids are adult. Time to let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - if DC is only two hours away, I'd just drive down and spend a day with him. NO counseling yet. Just take him out to lunch, coffee and talk. Sometimes, you just need to calibrate their perspectives... Don't try to over fix it.

Going there is "overfishing". No wonder kids have trouble adjusting to college these days, never allowed to have a bad day without mom or dad jumping it to "calibrate." Getting through some difficulties by oneself is how kids grow up, even if it is hard to see.

OP's kid is not having a bad day. He is having a serious of bad days. My sense is that if child's struggle is not getting any better, it's time to help him. You need to know when to jump in and help. there's a fine line between letting kids grow up and neglecting your parental duty.

Your poor kids. College kids are adult. Time to let go.

Your poor kids...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - if DC is only two hours away, I'd just drive down and spend a day with him. NO counseling yet. Just take him out to lunch, coffee and talk. Sometimes, you just need to calibrate their perspectives... Don't try to over fix it.

Going there is "overfishing". No wonder kids have trouble adjusting to college these days, never allowed to have a bad day without mom or dad jumping it to "calibrate." Getting through some difficulties by oneself is how kids grow up, even if it is hard to see.

OP's kid is not having a bad day. He is having a serious of bad days. My sense is that if child's struggle is not getting any better, it's time to help him. You need to know when to jump in and help. there's a fine line between letting kids grow up and neglecting your parental duty.

Your poor kids. College kids are adult. Time to let go.

18 and my job is done!! Is that what you are saying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.

Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all?

Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.
You could give him notice now and then some time to think about what he wants to do. You want him to take some ownership and responsibility in helping himself, while helping as his mom. It's a fine line!
I feel for you OP!

Don't do this,,the very definition of helicoptering.

I totally disagree.
Taking your child out to dinner for a couple hours and listening to him talk through his problems and come up with solutions together is not helicoptering.
Helicoptering would be calling the RA, the RD, the counseling center and his professors and demanding they fix the child's problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - if DC is only two hours away, I'd just drive down and spend a day with him. NO counseling yet. Just take him out to lunch, coffee and talk. Sometimes, you just need to calibrate their perspectives... Don't try to over fix it.

Going there is "overfishing". No wonder kids have trouble adjusting to college these days, never allowed to have a bad day without mom or dad jumping it to "calibrate." Getting through some difficulties by oneself is how kids grow up, even if it is hard to see.

OP's kid is not having a bad day. He is having a serious of bad days. My sense is that if child's struggle is not getting any better, it's time to help him. You need to know when to jump in and help. there's a fine line between letting kids grow up and neglecting your parental duty.

Your poor kids. College kids are adult. Time to let go.

Your poor kids...

True, nothing worse than raising self sufficient kids. None of this is a criticism of op

[Anonymous]

^ or unloved kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the brief text was his way of reaching out. Panic attacks are very scary and very serious.

Do you know if he told his dad? Is dad supportive at all?

Maybe a trip up there for a quick meal, I know it's a long drive but just a dinner might be just the thing. You can outline for him some things he can do (counseling center, RA, whatever you can come up with) and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.
You could give him notice now and then some time to think about what he wants to do. You want him to take some ownership and responsibility in helping himself, while helping as his mom. It's a fine line!
I feel for you OP!

Don't do this,,the very definition of helicoptering.

I totally disagree.
Taking your child out to dinner for a couple hours and listening to him talk through his problems and come up with solutions together is not helicoptering.
Helicoptering would be calling the RA, the RD, the counseling center and his professors and demanding they fix the child's problems.

Swooping in to save the day is helicoptering. it suggests that you don't believe your son or daughter can handle the situation independently. Being homesick or stressed two weeks into college is totally normal.