Am I wrong for having an affair with a married man?

[Anonymous]

I was going to ask if his wife knows about you but you already said no.
Maybe if the wife knew and was fine with it. So basically if a the adults are in agreement, but still messy imo.
i know a woman who was /is involved with a married man for 30+ years. She never wanted to get married, his wife knew, he took care of his kids (kids never knew). Everyone agreed, so ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a never-been-married 40 year old woman and I've been in an affair with a 55 year old married man for 3 years. I'm happy. I love him, he loves me, sex is great, non-sex time is great. I don't want anything to change. Several of my closest women friends have told me they think I am wrong for being involved with a married guy. I say, "I'm not the one who took the vows. I'm not deceiving anyone." Should I re-think this?

The reason the sex is great is because your relationship is illicit, exciting, and secretive. Live with the guy, argue about who is taking out the garbage or folding clothes and then tell me about your sex life.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm reading all the replies, and I have a couple of responses.

First, I don't see this as a "dead-end" relationship because I don't want to be married. I am astounded by the number of people who don't understand this. I can't possibly be the only middle-aged woman who has never wanted to be married.

Second, why did I post this? My girlfriends have been telling me that I am wrong because, according to them, I've broken some "code of the sisterhood". I wanted to see if people on here agreed. I just don't think I have any responsibility to "the sisterhood" any more than I do for his marriage vows. If I saw a woman hanging from a cliff, I would try to save her. Not because she is a woman, but because she is human.

Third, they have 3 adult children, no grandkids.

You all may be right that I'm a rotten person, karma will get me, someday I'll be lonely, etc., but for now I'm extremely content.

It seems as if I'm hearing from women and I'd be interested to hear from some guys and get their point of view also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not wrong. If the husband is straying from the marriage, then there is obviously something the wife isn't doing for him. You didn't wreck the marriage, it was already wrecked.

Of course, your mistake was asking this to a bunch of dependent housewives who would very quickly blame the other woman before confronting their meal ticket.

Eh, medium troll effort. I give it 4 out of 10.

I disagree with the first stentence. I agree with the others.

I wouldn't have an affair with a married man, because gross. But I have a close friend who did. And of course said married man is a very well known and well connected and wealthy DC businessman; and he told her he was getting divorced. They didn't hide their relationship - in fact, they were photographed all the time on the Washingtonian. (my friend and the married man).

She ended up ending it with him when wife got pregnant for the 3rd time and it turned out they weren't gonna divorce. He certainly tried to get her to change her mind - even trying to appeal to her parents.

Wife (stay at home mom) certainly knew about my friend but was sure as hell not gonna give up her meal ticket. Married man now has a different mistress, and wife had a 4th kid.

Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think this sounds like a troll.

You're right.

This is such an obvious troll post, I'm amazed at all the serious responses. Look at the subject line, and then look at OP's "Golly gee, I'm just shocked that everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong!" Come on, people.

OP does sound like a troll, but there are plenty of people who do think this way. The woman my spouse cheated with has been a serial cheater/seducer since the 1980s. But she doesn't think she has a problem. The new relationship is always justified because the new person is "the one" and nothing can keep them apart. The old relationship was always over anyway/with someone who was crazy/mean/etc.

Which was your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not wrong. If the husband is straying from the marriage, then there is obviously something the wife isn't doing for him. You didn't wreck the marriage, it was already wrecked.

Of course, your mistake was asking this to a bunch of dependent housewives who would very quickly blame the other woman before confronting their meal ticket.

Way to rationalize. So, if his marriage is "already wrecked" and OP loves him and he loves her, then why doesn't he simply leave the marriage and make a happy life with OP?

I think we all know the answer to that.

Sorry OP. Do what you want but at least own up to it and acknowledge what you are. The backlash here is less about the affair than it is about your stubborn insistence that you're doing nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am having an affair with a married man too. I am in your age range, with the same age difference and same time frame as your affair. I agree with you that he made the vows to his wife, not you, but I will admit I do have guilt about the affair.

Exactly why do you feel guilty? Do you want this guy to leave his wife? If so, do you think he will? And if he doesn't? How do you see your future, with or without him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not wrong. If the husband is straying from the marriage, then there is obviously something the wife isn't doing for him. You didn't wreck the marriage, it was already wrecked.

Of course, your mistake was asking this to a bunch of dependent housewives who would very quickly blame the other woman before confronting their meal ticket.

Way to rationalize. So, if his marriage is "already wrecked" and OP loves him and he loves her, then why doesn't he simply leave the marriage and make a happy life with OP?
I think we all know the answer to that.

Sorry OP. Do what you want but at least own up to it and acknowledge what you are. The backlash here is less about the affair than it is about your stubborn insistence that you're doing nothing wrong.

Not defending OP's actions, but the reasons are clear. OP doesn't want to be married, and married man doesn't want to leave his wife for whatever reason (loves her, kids, etc).

And no - not every woman wants to be married.

[Anonymous]

Yes, what you are doing is wrong. You are excusing yourself on a technicality. You know what you are doing is wrong.

How would you feel if your husband was secretly banging someone behind your back?

How would you feel if your sister or daughter's husband did that?

He is stealing from his wife in terms of the time, attention and perhaps financial resources he invests in you. And you are aiding and abetting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm reading all the replies, and I have a couple of responses.

First, I don't see this as a "dead-end" relationship because I don't want to be married. I am astounded by the number of people who don't understand this. I can't possibly be the only middle-aged woman who has never wanted to be married.

Second, why did I post this? My girlfriends have been telling me that I am wrong because, according to them, I've broken some "code of the sisterhood". I wanted to see if people on here agreed. I just don't think I have any responsibility to "the sisterhood" any more than I do for his marriage vows. If I saw a woman hanging from a cliff, I would try to save her. Not because she is a woman, but because she is human.

Third, they have 3 adult children, no grandkids.

You all may be right that I'm a rotten person, karma will get me, someday I'll be lonely, etc., but for now I'm extremely content.

It seems as if I'm hearing from women and I'd be interested to hear from some guys and get their point of view also.

So you have no empathy for your AP's wife, who is "human"? Your lack of any guilt and inability to grasp why this is wrong reflects that you are not a naturally compassionate person. At least own that about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a never-been-married 40 year old woman and I've been in an affair with a 55 year old married man for 3 years. I'm happy. I love him, he loves me, sex is great, non-sex time is great. I don't want anything to change. Several of my closest women friends have told me they think I am wrong for being involved with a married guy. I say, "I'm not the one who took the vows. I'm not deceiving anyone." Should I re-think this?

Have you talked with his wife about it? If not, then you are deceiving someone.

OP here. I have not spoken with his wife and I don't feel it is my business to tell her. If she came right out and asked me, and if I lied, then I would be deceiving her. If her friends know and they don't tell her, then they are deceiving her. But she is a stranger to me, so my silence is not deception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, what you are doing is wrong. You are excusing yourself on a technicality. You know what you are doing is wrong.

How would you feel if your husband was secretly banging someone behind your back?

How would you feel if your sister or daughter's husband did that?

He is stealing from his wife in terms of the time, attention and perhaps financial resources he invests in you. And you are aiding and abetting it.

By the way I wrote this. I am a single working woman, self sufficient and independent. And I would never demean myself or other women by banging someone else's husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm reading all the replies, and I have a couple of responses.

First, I don't see this as a "dead-end" relationship because I don't want to be married. I am astounded by the number of people who don't understand this. I can't possibly be the only middle-aged woman who has never wanted to be married.

Second, why did I post this? My girlfriends have been telling me that I am wrong because, according to them, I've broken some "code of the sisterhood". I wanted to see if people on here agreed. I just don't think I have any responsibility to "the sisterhood" any more than I do for his marriage vows. If I saw a woman hanging from a cliff, I would try to save her. Not because she is a woman, but because she is human.

Third, they have 3 adult children, no grandkids.

You all may be right that I'm a rotten person, karma will get me, someday I'll be lonely, etc., but for now I'm extremely content.

It seems as if I'm hearing from women and I'd be interested to hear from some guys and get their point of view also.

OK. Man here.

I'm astounded at your lack of understanding here. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be married. But there IS something wrong with using someone else's spouse as your fuck buddy.

Don't want to marry? Don't. But find another suitable unattached partner to share yourself with and quit rationalizing your behavior.

Also, as one man's perspective...if I was a single man and we met and I discovered that you'd had a three year relationship with a married man I'd run like hell. I'd want no part of someone like you. Nor would most honorable people. But there are plenty of serial cheaters out there so I'm certain you'll not have any issues finding company.

Well, until your looks fade after which time you'll no longer be desired for the services that you provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm reading all the replies, and I have a couple of responses.

First, I don't see this as a "dead-end" relationship because I don't want to be married. I am astounded by the number of people who don't understand this. I can't possibly be the only middle-aged woman who has never wanted to be married.

Second, why did I post this? My girlfriends have been telling me that I am wrong because, according to them, I've broken some "code of the sisterhood". I wanted to see if people on here agreed. I just don't think I have any responsibility to "the sisterhood" any more than I do for his marriage vows. If I saw a woman hanging from a cliff, I would try to save her. Not because she is a woman, but because she is human.

Third, they have 3 adult children, no grandkids.

You all may be right that I'm a rotten person, karma will get me, someday I'll be lonely, etc., but for now I'm extremely content.

It seems as if I'm hearing from women and I'd be interested to hear from some guys and get their point of view also.

I think OP is basing her post on a letter in this past Sunday's NYTimes Style section. Personally, I don't believe in a "code of sisterhood" but I do believe in a "code of being a decent human being," which for me means that I don't lie/cheat or help others lie/cheat.

[Anonymous]

The cheating husband is a pathetic weak loser and you are an amoral skank. But there are lots of horrible human beings out there, just know you are in that club.