Am I wrong for having an affair with a married man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm reading all the replies, and I have a couple of responses.

First, I don't see this as a "dead-end" relationship because I don't want to be married. I am astounded by the number of people who don't understand this. I can't possibly be the only middle-aged woman who has never wanted to be married.

Second, why did I post this? My girlfriends have been telling me that I am wrong because, according to them, I've broken some "code of the sisterhood". I wanted to see if people on here agreed. I just don't think I have any responsibility to "the sisterhood" any more than I do for his marriage vows. If I saw a woman hanging from a cliff, I would try to save her. Not because she is a woman, but because she is human.

Third, they have 3 adult children, no grandkids.

You all may be right that I'm a rotten person, karma will get me, someday I'll be lonely, etc., but for now I'm extremely content.

It seems as if I'm hearing from women and I'd be interested to hear from some guys and get their point of view also.

So after 3 years you just said to yourself, "Hey, I've been listening to my friends tell me I'm wrong, so how about check on DCUM. Yeah, that's what I'll do!"

Yeah, weak troll attempt.

+1 why would a single childless 40 year old woman even be posting on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

You are wrong because you are intruding on what should be a unique relationship between him and his wife. You are enabling and abetting his lies to his vows. You are therefore tainted with the same brush and are a liar too.

However, you are choosing not to understand, because it's going so great right now and you doubt you'd find something as good.

Well, what I can say? You have a distorted sense of right and wrong. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone here seen the statistics on affairs? It's not exactly anti-social behavior.

I'm not the OP, but I'm one of the OW posters who was called a sociopath. I'm definitely not a sociopath, but I don't feel like I need to decide to feel shame because people on a message board said I should. I think adults are capable of making these decisions for themselves. My AP talks about an open agreement between he and his wife. That's between them. I'm not sure that I believe him, but he's a grown man and can decide for himself.

I suggest you move to France where having affairs is considered socially acceptable.

I'm French, and take exception to your statement. It's just as painful as here. The current President seems to have reached new heights (or should it be lows?) of indecency, whereas Presidents before him were far more discreet (just like US presidents). Politicians of any stripe or country can apparently be forgiven for affairs, even in the US. But the average affair? Not socially acceptable to the ones concerned, no!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm reading all the replies, and I have a couple of responses.

First, I don't see this as a "dead-end" relationship because I don't want to be married. I am astounded by the number of people who don't understand this. I can't possibly be the only middle-aged woman who has never wanted to be married.

Second, why did I post this? My girlfriends have been telling me that I am wrong because, according to them, I've broken some "code of the sisterhood". I wanted to see if people on here agreed. I just don't think I have any responsibility to "the sisterhood" any more than I do for his marriage vows. If I saw a woman hanging from a cliff, I would try to save her. Not because she is a woman, but because she is human.

Third, they have 3 adult children, no grandkids.

You all may be right that I'm a rotten person, karma will get me, someday I'll be lonely, etc., but for now I'm extremely content.

It seems as if I'm hearing from women and I'd be interested to hear from some guys and get their point of view also.

So after 3 years you just said to yourself, "Hey, I've been listening to my friends tell me I'm wrong, so how about check on DCUM. Yeah, that's what I'll do!"

Yeah, weak troll attempt.

+1 why would a single childless 40 year old woman even be posting on DCUM?

Get off your high horse, there are a lot of childless people that post on here. The travel, job and money topics is something anyone can relate to, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm reading all the replies, and I have a couple of responses.

First, I don't see this as a "dead-end" relationship because I don't want to be married. I am astounded by the number of people who don't understand this. I can't possibly be the only middle-aged woman who has never wanted to be married.

Second, why did I post this? My girlfriends have been telling me that I am wrong because, according to them, I've broken some "code of the sisterhood". I wanted to see if people on here agreed. I just don't think I have any responsibility to "the sisterhood" any more than I do for his marriage vows. If I saw a woman hanging from a cliff, I would try to save her. Not because she is a woman, but because she is human.

Third, they have 3 adult children, no grandkids.

You all may be right that I'm a rotten person, karma will get me, someday I'll be lonely, etc., but for now I'm extremely content.

It seems as if I'm hearing from women and I'd be interested to hear from some guys and get their point of view also.

So after 3 years you just said to yourself, "Hey, I've been listening to my friends tell me I'm wrong, so how about check on DCUM. Yeah, that's what I'll do!"

Yeah, weak troll attempt.

+1 why would a single childless 40 year old woman even be posting on DCUM?

Do you honestly think that only married mothers read and post on DCUM? That's a very egocentric and provincial view. But that would also explain the very narrow-minded and judgemental responses to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone here seen the statistics on affairs? It's not exactly anti-social behavior.

I'm not the OP, but I'm one of the OW posters who was called a sociopath. I'm definitely not a sociopath, but I don't feel like I need to decide to feel shame because people on a message board said I should. I think adults are capable of making these decisions for themselves. My AP talks about an open agreement between he and his wife. That's between them. I'm not sure that I believe him, but he's a grown man and can decide for himself.

I suggest you move to France where having affairs is considered socially acceptable.

I'm French, and take exception to your statement. It's just as painful as here. The current President seems to have reached new heights (or should it be lows?) of indecency, whereas Presidents before him were far more discreet (just like US presidents). Politicians of any stripe or country can apparently be forgiven for affairs, even in the US. But the average affair? Not socially acceptable to the ones concerned, no!

So having the affair is okay, as long as one is discreet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, what does being secretive involve?

OP here. Secretive means we don't go anywhere together in town. We only meet up in other cities or countries. My friends know I have a married man lover, but they don't know his name. I do this because he wants it and he does it because he doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings and/or hurt his marriage. As I've already said, I respect that because I don't want to live with him or be married to him and because I believe it is entirely possible (and human) to love more than one person at a time.

Several posters have said I must be a sociopath and I believe they are correct.

and you think this is fine? Ever think you might need some therapy?

I think a true sociopath will not benefit from therapy, as they are born without a conscience. All the therapy possible will not help them develop one. You either have one or you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone here seen the statistics on affairs? It's not exactly anti-social behavior.

I'm not the OP, but I'm one of the OW posters who was called a sociopath. I'm definitely not a sociopath, but I don't feel like I need to decide to feel shame because people on a message board said I should. I think adults are capable of making these decisions for themselves. My AP talks about an open agreement between he and his wife. That's between them. I'm not sure that I believe him, but he's a grown man and can decide for himself.

Not the OP, but agreed. I have been the OW and I've been with a man who cheated on me with another W. I can't hold her responsible for his actions, nor am I responsible for anyone but myself.

Most of the self-righteous, judgemental women on here are just envious.

Of?... being in your 40's, never been married and basically being a f*k buddy? No thanks.

Not OP here, but I can think of many things someone might envy in this person's life. For one, having the complete freedom to do what she wants too do, when she wants to do it. There are a lot of replies that talk about how she is "missing" something by not being married. Being single has the advantage of not having to compromise. Married people, come on and admit it. Don't you sometimes look at your spouse and think "I wish I'd never laid eyes on you". Being single means she can spend her money any way she wants to, save or not, splurge or not. I think the vehemence of the responses indicate some hidden aggression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone here seen the statistics on affairs? It's not exactly anti-social behavior.

I'm not the OP, but I'm one of the OW posters who was called a sociopath. I'm definitely not a sociopath, but I don't feel like I need to decide to feel shame because people on a message board said I should. I think adults are capable of making these decisions for themselves. My AP talks about an open agreement between he and his wife. That's between them. I'm not sure that I believe him, but he's a grown man and can decide for himself.

Not the OP, but agreed. I have been the OW and I've been with a man who cheated on me with another W. I can't hold her responsible for his actions, nor am I responsible for anyone but myself.

Most of the self-righteous, judgemental women on here are just envious.

Of?... being in your 40's, never been married and basically being a f*k buddy? No thanks.

Not OP here, but I can think of many things someone might envy in this person's life. For one, having the complete freedom to do what she wants too do, when she wants to do it. There are a lot of replies that talk about how she is "missing" something by not being married. Being single has the advantage of not having to compromise. Married people, come on and admit it. Don't you sometimes look at your spouse and think "I wish I'd never laid eyes on you". Being single means she can spend her money any way she wants to, save or not, splurge or not. I think the vehemence of the responses indicate some hidden aggression.

Hmmm.
I think the vehemence of the responses indicate the anger toward this woman who feels the need to come on an anonymous board looking for justification for her sins.
No envy here. Disgust, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP here, but I can think of many things someone might envy in this person's life. For one, having the complete freedom to do what she wants too do, when she wants to do it. There are a lot of replies that talk about how she is "missing" something by not being married. Being single has the advantage of not having to compromise. Married people, come on and admit it. Don't you sometimes look at your spouse and think "I wish I'd never laid eyes on you". Being single means she can spend her money any way she wants to, save or not, splurge or not. I think the vehemence of the responses indicate some hidden aggression.

Never in the most difficult days have I ever thought this about my spouse.

Do I occasionally relish times alone? Yes, of course. Would I ever wistfully suggest that I missed my carefree youth? Who wouldn't? But don't for a minute think that most married people would be jealous of the life a single 40 year old having an affair with someone else's spouse.

[Anonymous]

Envying the OP because she is single is not the same as envying the OP because she is having a sleazy affair with a married man. She doesn't have total freedom--I can call my husband any time I want. I can go out with him to any restaurant or party in town. I call tell people his name. OP can't--she can only see him in other cities and countries. She can't call him when she's feeling sick or had a bad day. She can't bring him as her date to a party or a friend's wedding. I don't envy that at all. If you don't want to be married, fine. But I'd rather be single than with someone who says he "doesn't want to hurt his family," all the while he's sneaking around on them. I'd rather be single than sleeping with a liar with no integrity. I'd rather be single than "dating" someone I can't even introduce to my friends because he's a cheater.

[Anonymous]

I think some of the anger is because women are told by society that we're incapable of making our own sexual decisions. The second a woman steps out of the narrow boundaries, other women get vicious. Those who respond that way can suck it. Your whole system is flawed. Women shouldn't be tasked as the gatekeepers of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Envying the OP because she is single is not the same as envying the OP because she is having a sleazy affair with a married man. She doesn't have total freedom--I can call my husband any time I want. I can go out with him to any restaurant or party in town. I call tell people his name. OP can't--she can only see him in other cities and countries. She can't call him when she's feeling sick or had a bad day. She can't bring him as her date to a party or a friend's wedding. I don't envy that at all. If you don't want to be married, fine. But I'd rather be single than with someone who says he "doesn't want to hurt his family," all the while he's sneaking around on them. I'd rather be single than sleeping with a liar with no integrity. I'd rather be single than "dating" someone I can't even introduce to my friends because he's a cheater.

FTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the anger is because women are told by society that we're incapable of making our own sexual decisions. The second a woman steps out of the narrow boundaries, other women get vicious. Those who respond that way can suck it. Your whole system is flawed. Women shouldn't be tasked as the gatekeepers of sex.

Narrow boundries. Right. The concept of not having sex with another woman's spouse is just so limiting. Why keep a sister down that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the anger is because women are told by society that we're incapable of making our own sexual decisions. The second a woman steps out of the narrow boundaries, other women get vicious. Those who respond that way can suck it. Your whole system is flawed. Women shouldn't be tasked as the gatekeepers of sex.

Narrow boundaries. Right. The concept of not having sex with another woman's spouse is just so limiting. Why keep a sister down that way?

I think women are totally capable of making their own sexual decisions. I just happen to think that making the conscious choice to sleep with a married man is a bad decision. Not because women are the "gatekeepers of sex," but because participating in deception and infidelity is a sign that a person lacks compassion and kindness.