Am I wrong for having an affair with a married man?

[Anonymous]

You're wrong and definitely stupid. Not sure which is worse.

You didn't take a vow, but you know he did. If you cannot live your life honestly or if you are engaging in an act that requires another person to be a liar and a cheat, then you are implicit in his lies and deceit.

Of course you are.

I once had a priest in training ask if I would entertain having an affair with him. I'm not Catholic or even Christian, but I told him to f off for even asking me to help him be a goddamn liar. Have the balls, man, to live a life of integrity. Don't get me mixed up in your pathetic life.

That's what I thought then, and it's what you should think of yourself now. Unless your partner's been honest with his wife and she doesn't care. My husband's parents are still married on paper, but they are psychologically separated and have been for years. They allow each other to find companionship in others, and they have. It's not an "open marriage," it's more like divorced for all intents and purposes while still legally married. THAT is not deceitful.

[Anonymous]

Have you met any of his friends? Have you put them in a position where they have to lie to his wife, too?

One of my former boyfriends had a really close friend who was a woman. She engaged in an affair with a married men. My friend knew the married man's wife--not well, but as an acquaintance. He told his woman friend to NEVER put in him the position where he had to lie or keep a lying secret to another person. He didn't want to see them together an parties or outings. He didn't want to hear about this or that or gifts or travel plans or anything. He basically shut her out of his life.

Why?

Because he didn't want to be even a three-degrees-of-separation liar.

He was really a strong, honest person. My initial inclination was to say, "Hey, not my wife, not my business." But I got a good education by watching him handle the situation with far more grace and honesty than I could even imagine at the time.

I would recommend a similar approach for you. You'll probably like yourself better for it. Or not. You might be too far gone after several years of this arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think that little of yourself that you will only play the role of "side piece" in a relationship?

If so, you need therapy.

Agreed. A lot of low self esteem issues being the secret lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and I have to say I am really shocked by all the responses saying I'm wrong. I just don't see it that way. I haven't taken any vows or made any promises to anyone. His wife's feelings are not my concern. I don't think she knows about us, since we are secretive. I don't care if he leaves his wife or not. It's probably better for me if he doesn't leave her, because that gives me some independence and free time.

However, since I asked for opinions, I'm going to give it some thought.

What if you were to steal from a store? Would that ONLY be wrong if you knew the owners, and thus, their feelings were your concern? Seriously, you don't think you should be a good person just for the sake of it, only because you know someone and care about their feelings in a personal way?

Would if be OK if you killed someone whose family you didn't know, because their family's feelings are none of your concern?

Seriously, you're a terrible human being,

[Anonymous]

Does the OP work? I wouldn't be surprised if this was a financial issue too. In addition, I doubt you are being as secretive as you think you are being. You will get caught, just a matter of when.

[Anonymous]

You are utterly and totally wrong. I am married and mortified that something like this could happen to me. For what its worth, back when I was single a married man was borderline obsessed with me. Before I cut off contact with him I told him in no uncertain terms would I ever become involved with a married man. I said if you're so serious about me then get a divorce and we'll talk. Incredible thing is he actually did!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think this sounds like a troll.

You're right.

This is such an obvious troll post, I'm amazed at all the serious responses. Look at the subject line, and then look at OP's "Golly gee, I'm just shocked that everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong!" Come on, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think this sounds like a troll.

You're right.

This is such an obvious troll post, I'm amazed at all the serious responses. Look at the subject line, and then look at OP's "Golly gee, I'm just shocked that everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong!" Come on, people.

I have to believe it's a troll, because if it's not it means there is someone as abjectly stupid as the OP milling among us. And that's too frightening to contemplate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're wrong and definitely stupid. Not sure which is worse.

You didn't take a vow, but you know he did. If you cannot live your life honestly or if you are engaging in an act that requires another person to be a liar and a cheat, then you are implicit in his lies and deceit.

Of course you are.

I once had a priest in training ask if I would entertain having an affair with him. I'm not Catholic or even Christian, but I told him to f off for even asking me to help him be a goddamn liar. Have the balls, man, to live a life of integrity. Don't get me mixed up in your pathetic life.

That's what I thought then, and it's what you should think of yourself now. Unless your partner's been honest with his wife and she doesn't care. My husband's parents are still married on paper, but they are psychologically separated and have been for years. They allow each other to find companionship in others, and they have. It's not an "open marriage," it's more like divorced for all intents and purposes while still legally married. THAT is not deceitful.

Great post. I agree with others that believe that this is a troll thread, but great post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair and I was devastated. You are right, the other woman did not say vows to me, my husband did. However, she should have the decency to not destroy a family. I always wonder how she could look at herself on the mirror and not be disgusted with herself.
OP - you are a pathetic excuse for a human being. You lack morals and integrity. Karma never loses an address. I hope it bites you in the ass.

Not OP but the PP right before your post.

The problem with this logic is that it assumes the marriage wasnt destroyed when your husband make the mental leap to being ok with cheating on you. It could have been with anyone and the marriage would still be broken. She didn't destroy your family, your husband did. She certainly didn't help so it's not like you should like her or anything but she was just the tool he used to do it.

I am the PP and I would agree with you to some degree. The breakdown in the marriage is partially my fault, however, I was in the same marriage and did not cheat because I have integrity and morals. She could have been any two bit whore who came along. My point is that I would never sleep with a married man because unlike the OP, I possess compassion and empathy for others so I could never knowingly hurt another person the way I have been hurt. At the end of the day, I have to face myself. So OP, you suck

Your husband had an affair or slept with a prostitute? I'm confused.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I am having an affair with a married man too. I am in your age range, with the same age difference and same time frame as your affair. I agree with you that he made the vows to his wife, not you, but I will admit I do have guilt about the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think this sounds like a troll.

You're right.

This is such an obvious troll post, I'm amazed at all the serious responses. Look at the subject line, and then look at OP's "Golly gee, I'm just shocked that everyone thinks I'm doing something wrong!" Come on, people.

OP does sound like a troll, but there are plenty of people who do think this way. The woman my spouse cheated with has been a serial cheater/seducer since the 1980s. But she doesn't think she has a problem. The new relationship is always justified because the new person is "the one" and nothing can keep them apart. The old relationship was always over anyway/with someone who was crazy/mean/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a never-been-married 40 year old woman and I've been in an affair with a 55 year old married man for 3 years. I'm happy. I love him, he loves me, sex is great, non-sex time is great. I don't want anything to change. Several of my closest women friends have told me they think I am wrong for being involved with a married guy. I say, "I'm not the one who took the vows. I'm not deceiving anyone." Should I re-think this?

Yes, you're wrong. But certainly not as wrong as the man that took the vows.

[Anonymous]

No, not wrong. If the husband is straying from the marriage, then there is obviously something the wife isn't doing for him. You didn't wreck the marriage, it was already wrecked.

Of course, your mistake was asking this to a bunch of dependent housewives who would very quickly blame the other woman before confronting their meal ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not wrong. If the husband is straying from the marriage, then there is obviously something the wife isn't doing for him. You didn't wreck the marriage, it was already wrecked.

Of course, your mistake was asking this to a bunch of dependent housewives who would very quickly blame the other woman before confronting their meal ticket.

Eh, medium troll effort. I give it 4 out of 10.