Can we talk about married sex - nonexpicitly? What is the actual norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex-husband and I did it pretty much every day during our seven-year marriage in my 20s. Current spouse of five years does it 5-6 times a YEAR. I have sex 2-3x/week but had to finally step out this year to do it after trying everything else to get husband to increase his desire.

Similar story here. And my AP is so grateful to have found someone in the same situation. Win win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question, no judgement.

Those that have sex only once a month or the like, do you feel connected and actively in love with your spouse? I know love isn't all sex, I just think that would be an awfully big anvil hanging in the room.

I have sex about 5 or 6 times a month with my spouse, but that's not enough to feel connected to him, and I haven't been actively in love with him for over 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

some pele find reasons not to have sex. Some people just find time if it is something that is important to them. Perhaps OP isn't watching Idol at bedtime.

It's not a competition about who is the busiest, not should couples compare how much sex they have vs. others.

As a PP stated, if the couple themselves finds it to be a pleasing amount, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter if you're three times a day, or thrice a year.. If both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy, worrying about what everyone else is doing is silly.

People who have one spouse who doesn't work for pay really can't understand how exhausting two careers can be for a family.

Another advantage to being a sahm/d

It's not worth giving up $250,000 just to have more frequent sex, sorry.

You don't sound sorry. And gratuitously adding "sorry" on to an otherwise perfectly rational expression of personal preference makes you sound like an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

some pele find reasons not to have sex. Some people just find time if it is something that is important to them. Perhaps OP isn't watching Idol at bedtime.

It's not a competition about who is the busiest, not should couples compare how much sex they have vs. others.

As a PP stated, if the couple themselves finds it to be a pleasing amount, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter if you're three times a day, or thrice a year.. If both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy, worrying about what everyone else is doing is silly.

People who have one spouse who doesn't work for pay really can't understand how exhausting two careers can be for a family.

Another advantage to being a sahm/d

It's not worth giving up $250,000 just to have more frequent sex, sorry.

You don't sound sorry. And gratuitously adding "sorry" on to an otherwise perfectly rational expression of personal preference makes you sound like an asshole.

But snarkily typing "[a]nother advantage to being a sahm/d" doesn't make a person sound assholish? Whatevs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

some pele find reasons not to have sex. Some people just find time if it is something that is important to them. Perhaps OP isn't watching Idol at bedtime.

It's not a competition about who is the busiest, not should couples compare how much sex they have vs. others.

As a PP stated, if the couple themselves finds it to be a pleasing amount, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter if you're three times a day, or thrice a year.. If both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy, worrying about what everyone else is doing is silly.

People who have one spouse who doesn't work for pay really can't understand how exhausting two careers can be for a family.

Another advantage to being a sahm/d

It's not worth giving up $250,000 just to have more frequent sex, sorry.

You don't sound sorry. And gratuitously adding "sorry" on to an otherwise perfectly rational expression of personal preference makes you sound like an asshole.

But snarkily typing "[a]nother advantage to being a sahm/d" doesn't make a person sound assholish? Whatevs.

It also basically says "as long as you support me financially, I'll have more sex with you." Hmmm... sounds like the oldest profession!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honest question, no judgement.

Those that have sex only once a month or the like, do you feel connected and actively in love with your spouse? I know love isn't all sex, I just think that would be an awfully big anvil hanging in the room.

I have sex about 5 or 6 times a month with my spouse, but that's not enough to feel connected to him, and I haven't been actively in love with him for over 10 years.

Are you suggesting you could or would actively love your husband if you were having more sex? Just curious about the chicken or the egg thing. In other words, is the lack of sex because you don't actively love and feel connected to him, or do those feelings result from a lack of sex? Do you enjoy having sex with him and want more of it even though you don't actively love and feel connected to him? Just curious as I am in a situation that sounds similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honest question, no judgement.

Those that have sex only once a month or the like, do you feel connected and actively in love with your spouse? I know love isn't all sex, I just think that would be an awfully big anvil hanging in the room.

I have sex about 5 or 6 times a month with my spouse, but that's not enough to feel connected to him, and I haven't been actively in love with him for over 10 years.

Are you suggesting you could or would actively love your husband if you were having more sex? Just curious about the chicken or the egg thing. In other words, is the lack of sex because you don't actively love and feel connected to him, or do those feelings result from a lack of sex? Do you enjoy having sex with him and want more of it even though you don't actively love and feel connected to him? Just curious as I am in a situation that sounds similar.

It's very clear in my case....I would prefer sex 3 to 4 times a week, but get very tired of being turned down for TV and alcohol. He gives me standard marital sex in one of three positions for 20 minutes five or six times a month. If he wanted me, I'd be more inclined to be in love with him.

[Anonymous]

I think "normal" is an irrelevant measure. All that matters is what works for you.

OP - your situation would be waaaaay too much for me. But my situation is waaaay too little (husband with zero sex drive since we had little kids). So I'd have a hard time having this conversation with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think "normal" is an irrelevant measure. All that matters is what works for you.

OP - your situation would be waaaaay too much for me. But my situation is waaaay too little (husband with zero sex drive since we had little kids). So I'd have a hard time having this conversation with you.

"Normal" is a very relevant measure when what works for her doesn't work for her husband or vice versa. (Though, I agree, "normal" isn't relevant if whatever they're doing works for both of them.)

[Anonymous]

Any SAHM mom bragging this is "another advantage" needs a reality check. Sure my "career woman" DW doesnt have the energy to put out as much as I would like but we make up for it when the rest is there and the mood hits. I find the pension she is working toward, the 401k balance, and the added financial security she brings quite sexy too. She can also carry on an intellectual business conversation at a neighborhood BBQ. I have not seen a SAHM her age that looks better either ( mid 40's passes for early 30s)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think "normal" is an irrelevant measure. All that matters is what works for you.

OP - your situation would be waaaaay too much for me. But my situation is waaaay too little (husband with zero sex drive since we had little kids). So I'd have a hard time having this conversation with you.

"Normal" is a very relevant measure when what works for her doesn't work for her husband or vice versa. (Though, I agree, "normal" isn't relevant if whatever they're doing works for both of them.)

Here's the problem with arguing for "normal" amounts of sex. I get told that other people lie, that the people who have more sex than we do have kids who drive, lower pressured careers, are younger, etc. He uses the once or twice a week frequency, which I cite as generally the norm, as his ceiling. Bottom line is he doesn't want it not only with the same frequency but with the enthusiasm and creativity I would enjoy. We're going to split up over this because I do not want to live indefinitely with what is to me an unsatisfactory sex life, even though I'm sure 4 times a month is within the "normal" amount, and some women would love to put out only that infrequently.

[Anonymous]

We are mid 30s, together 9 years, married 4, 2 children, both work pretty demanding FT jobs. When we were in grad school (where we met), we were definitely in the every day camp, but that dropped off to 2-3 times/week once we both started working full time. Then we had kids and monthly became the high water mark. We might have been more like quarterly for 2012, sigh. We periodically discuss it and set goals or schedules (currently trying for every Monday, because why not pick a random day), but often let it drop. I'm really going to try to maintain once a week this time though, because I do believe the more you have it the more you want it, and then hopefully move to twice a week. I think we'd be good at that point. Our drives are probably medium to low and vary based on a whole bunch of things, including stress levels, work demands, how well we're splitting up household duties and supporting each other, sick kids, sick parents, etc.

To the PP asking about connection, I'm mostly in the camp of love my husband, don't want to be married to anyone else, but don't feel passionate anymore and am hoping that will return when our kids are older. To be honest, we've never been that adventurous sexually and things are pretty vanilla, and occasionally DH trends towards the slightly overweight side, both of which tend to dampen my desire.

And I talk about this with my girlfriends. Not all the time, but I'm generally familiar at a very high level with how it goes in the bedroom for my closest friends. DH is aware that I talk about things at a high level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any SAHM mom bragging this is "another advantage" needs a reality check. Sure my "career woman" DW doesnt have the energy to put out as much as I would like but we make up for it when the rest is there and the mood hits. I find the pension she is working toward, the 401k balance, and the added financial security she brings quite sexy too. She can also carry on an intellectual business conversation at a neighborhood BBQ. I have not seen a SAHM her age that looks better either ( mid 40's passes for early 30s)

Thanks for the warning! I'll make certain I avoid your DW at the next neighborhood BBQ. Apparently, you are easily dazzled. Who wants to talk business at a BBQ? Boring. Next.


Believe me, you are the creepy DH at the BBQ (20 lbs. overweight, paunchy, double-chin wearing crocs and socks and cargo shorts) that all the moms avoid, especially the SAHMs. We see you staring and you are not at all subtle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any SAHM mom bragging this is "another advantage" needs a reality check. Sure my "career woman" DW doesnt have the energy to put out as much as I would like but we make up for it when the rest is there and the mood hits. I find the pension she is working toward, the 401k balance, and the added financial security she brings quite sexy too. She can also carry on an intellectual business conversation at a neighborhood BBQ. I have not seen a SAHM her age that looks better either ( mid 40's passes for early 30s)

Thanks for the warning! I'll make certain I avoid your DW at the next neighborhood BBQ. Apparently, you are easily dazzled. Who wants to talk business at a BBQ? Boring. Next.


Believe me, you are the creepy DH at the BBQ (20 lbs. overweight, paunchy, double-chin wearing crocs and socks and cargo shorts) that all the moms avoid, especially the SAHMs. We see you staring and you are not at all subtle.

How pathetic that it bothers you that he respects his wife as an intellectual equal. Your catty (so typical) response says much more about you than him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's sort of gross that you share those types of private details with your BFF about your husband. That is just soooo early college freshman.....

^^This. You must really have very little going on in your life to be sharing so many intimate details of your sex life with friends. I don't want to know details of my friends' sex lives and I am sure they don't want to know the details of mine. We have a lot more appropriate subjects to discuss.