Can we talk about married sex - nonexpicitly? What is the actual norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 young kids (preschooler and toddler). About 1-2 times a week. Feel like we are close to the norm though DH would say it's not nearly enough.

I should also add that he gets frustrated that I never really initiate and can 'take it or leave it' - which is true, although I do find him attractive. I get into it once we start, but it just isn't a priority with kids this young and crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sex in marriages is more dysfunctional than it needs to be precisely because people are discouraged from talking about sex generally. The default is for people who are suffering to suffer in silence. Couples often never really learn how to talk about sex with one another. There seems to be social pressure for people to be embarrassed about sex talk.

Anyway, I'm a DH - we have sex every 2 weeks, more or less, and it's less than I'm happy with. I think I'd be happy at more like once a week. And, based on our TTC experience, I think I'd be unhappy with 3-4x/week. We've been married about 15 years. Kids are 10 and 11.

Lol. Whining to my BFF about how bad things are or bragging to her about how freakin' ahmazing things are will not help to strengthen my relationship with my BF/Dh. All it does is give someone outside of our relationship intimate details that are quite frankly none of their business.

FWIW, I did not decide to stop sharing these types of details because thing were bad in that dept.

If you don't want to talk about it, why are you talking about it? If people want to discuss it here thats probably why OP started the thread, if you don't want to there are literally 100s of other threads for you to post in.

I think its weird you insist on posting here, when you find it so beneath you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

Do you view any discussion of your relationship with a friend to be a breach of trust? If not, why is sex different than, say, your disagreement on how to balance time with your respective families? If so, that sounds like a great recipe for isolation and control, when you have the other person convinced that seeking support outside the relationship is a violation.

Huh? How is telling my BFF that my boyfriend's ding dong is this long and we did XYZ last night X amount of times....NOT a breach of trust? I understand how fun it is to giggle and let this stuff slip but it is not a grown up and respectful thing to do. And I decided this well before I ever met my husband.

Who says that's the conversation they had? There is a big difference between getting into the nitty gritty of what position you used when you had sex last night just for giggles, and talking to your friend about a legitimate relationship issue of things like differing sex drives and other sources of conflict or dissatisfaction because you want advice and support.

[Anonymous]

I'm 43, DW is 42 and we have one 9YO. We're about 2x per week - once midweek and once on Sunday. They're usually very good, satifying sessions and sometimes they're REALLY good. We've been together 14 years and have been married for 12. I wanted more frequency when I was younger but I think we're on the same page now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sex in marriages is more dysfunctional than it needs to be precisely because people are discouraged from talking about sex generally. The default is for people who are suffering to suffer in silence. Couples often never really learn how to talk about sex with one another. There seems to be social pressure for people to be embarrassed about sex talk.

Anyway, I'm a DH - we have sex every 2 weeks, more or less, and it's less than I'm happy with. I think I'd be happy at more like once a week. And, based on our TTC experience, I think I'd be unhappy with 3-4x/week. We've been married about 15 years. Kids are 10 and 11.

Lol. Whining to my BFF about how bad things are or bragging to her about how freakin' ahmazing things are will not help to strengthen my relationship with my BF/Dh. All it does is give someone outside of our relationship intimate details that are quite frankly none of their business.

FWIW, I did not decide to stop sharing these types of details because thing were bad in that dept.

If you don't want to talk about it, why are you talking about it? If people want to discuss it here thats probably why OP started the thread, if you don't want to there are literally 100s of other threads for you to post in.

I think its weird you insist on posting here, when you find it so beneath you.

Ha. I wasn't even talking about posting anonymously on DCUM. I was talking about sharing intimate details about your married sex life with your girlfriends. That's all.

Who cares how often Anonymous has sex with her Anonymous husband. Not the same thing as saying how often Gigi has sex with George.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

Do you view any discussion of your relationship with a friend to be a breach of trust? If not, why is sex different than, say, your disagreement on how to balance time with your respective families? If so, that sounds like a great recipe for isolation and control, when you have the other person convinced that seeking support outside the relationship is a violation.

Huh? How is telling my BFF that my boyfriend's ding dong is this long and we did XYZ last night X amount of times....NOT a breach of trust? I understand how fun it is to giggle and let this stuff slip but it is not a grown up and respectful thing to do. And I decided this well before I ever met my husband.

Who says that's the conversation they had? There is a big difference between getting into the nitty gritty of what position you used when you had sex last night just for giggles, and talking to your friend about a legitimate relationship issue of things like differing sex drives and other sources of conflict or dissatisfaction because you want advice and support.

Because some things are private between a couple.

[Anonymous]

Who cares what's normal? I'd say most normal people are bored and unhappy with their lives. Sounds like you and DH are happy and fulfilled so keep it up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'll concede after reading here it must be a lot. I'm curious about the the more you do the more you want thing. That was mostly what the discussion was about. My friend was complaining that he husband wanted sex more often, they have it about every two weeks. She said she doesn't want it more often. I was mentioning to her that if she had sex more often it might switch up her libido and told her how often my DH and I have it.

As for the uptight poster with no girlfriends... okay, I'm immature and breaching my husbands trust. I'll get some therapy for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

Do you view any discussion of your relationship with a friend to be a breach of trust? If not, why is sex different than, say, your disagreement on how to balance time with your respective families? If so, that sounds like a great recipe for isolation and control, when you have the other person convinced that seeking support outside the relationship is a violation.

Huh? How is telling my BFF that my boyfriend's ding dong is this long and we did XYZ last night X amount of times....NOT a breach of trust? I understand how fun it is to giggle and let this stuff slip but it is not a grown up and respectful thing to do. And I decided this well before I ever met my husband.

Who says that's the conversation they had? There is a big difference between getting into the nitty gritty of what position you used when you had sex last night just for giggles, and talking to your friend about a legitimate relationship issue of things like differing sex drives and other sources of conflict or dissatisfaction because you want advice and support.

Because some things are private between a couple.

But why should problems with sex be a big secret? Why is that the sacred cow? It seems like marriages would probably be a lot happier if people with sexual issues in their relationship could get support and advice from close friends rather than not talking to anyone and never breaking the impasse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'll concede after reading here it must be a lot. I'm curious about the the more you do the more you want thing. That was mostly what the discussion was about. My friend was complaining that he husband wanted sex more often, they have it about every two weeks. She said she doesn't want it more often. I was mentioning to her that if she had sex more often it might switch up her libido and told her how often my DH and I have it.

As for the uptight poster with no girlfriends... okay, I'm immature and breaching my husbands trust. I'll get some therapy for that.

Lol. I have had plenty of girlfriends over the years. We just didn't talk about our BFs/DHs like that. That's all. Really I don't want to know what happens in their bedrooms...TMI.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

[Anonymous]

I would guess that you're at the upper range of normal, particularly with couples with young kids, but your friend is crazy to call it "gross" -- how immature. Rather, I would describe it as "lucky". Don't question it, just enjoy it!
We're more like once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

Do you view any discussion of your relationship with a friend to be a breach of trust? If not, why is sex different than, say, your disagreement on how to balance time with your respective families? If so, that sounds like a great recipe for isolation and control, when you have the other person convinced that seeking support outside the relationship is a violation.

Huh? How is telling my BFF that my boyfriend's ding dong is this long and we did XYZ last night X amount of times....NOT a breach of trust? I understand how fun it is to giggle and let this stuff slip but it is not a grown up and respectful thing to do. And I decided this well before I ever met my husband.

Who says that's the conversation they had? There is a big difference between getting into the nitty gritty of what position you used when you had sex last night just for giggles, and talking to your friend about a legitimate relationship issue of things like differing sex drives and other sources of conflict or dissatisfaction because you want advice and support.

Because some things are private between a couple.

But why should problems with sex be a big secret? Why is that the sacred cow? It seems like marriages would probably be a lot happier if people with sexual issues in their relationship could get support and advice from close friends rather than not talking to anyone and never breaking the impasse.

Because you might think you are just giving out some helpful hints to a friend in need: "Well, Darcy dear if your husband wants more sex than you do, you should try having more sex and see if that helps your libido at all". But who is really being helped by Mr/Ms Obvious? No one.

[Anonymous]

Who cares? If it works in your relationship to do it once a year or once a day, then it's healthy. How come the OP can't figure that out without an informal internet poll?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If it works in your relationship to do it once a year or once a day, then it's healthy. How come the OP can't figure that out without an informal internet poll?

+1 Succinct and to the point. Exactly.