Can we talk about married sex - nonexpicitly? What is the actual norm?

[Anonymous]

I had a long debate with a friend last night and I think I am right (of course I am!!)

I am going to talk about my sex life here, so be prepared.

DH and I are married almost 18, together 20 (but didn't have sex until our wedding) - we share some kind of intimacy, I'm defining this as a mutual orgasm but not limited to piv, pretty much every day. Sometimes we miss a day but that is the general idea. He will soon be 51, I am 42, he was my first.

My friend said we are absolute freaks and not close to the norm. She also thought it was a bit gross, haha. I think this is probably true of most married couples, maybe not quite as frequent maybe some more frequently - we haven't had twice in a day in quite a while, but isn't 3 times a week considered healthy? Also isn't it true that the more you "do it" the more you want to do it?

Please don't take offense if you have a medical issue preventing or limiting sex, I am not talking about that, I'm talking about in a long term relationship with two sexually/physically healthy adults.

Also, I know I'm going to get some humblebrags here but its not like you know who I am and can hifive my husband. I really am curious!

[Anonymous]

You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

[Anonymous]

It's healthy when it meets the needs of both people.
For me (and us) every day is waaaaay to much. We tried doing it 3 times one week when we were TTC. It made us a bit cranky.
We are happy with 1-2 times a month.
We are very affectionate and loving. And when we do have sex it's great. Just don't have a high sex drive.
DW44, DH45
No kids
Married 5 years, together 7

[Anonymous]

I think it's sort of gross that you share those types of private details with your BFF about your husband. That is just soooo early college freshman.....

[Anonymous]

We are together 6 years and have sex tops 1 time per week mostly once in 2 weeks.My DH works a lot and travels.We are also very active and do marathons and wall climbing etc. So honestly on weekends after some social events we have no energy to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

[Anonymous]

2 young kids (preschooler and toddler). About 1-2 times a week. Feel like we are close to the norm though DH would say it's not nearly enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

NP - well arent you awesome and above it all.

We are 4-5 a week, married 20+, don't think its out of the normal and agree, the more you have it the more you want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

Do you view any discussion of your relationship with a friend to be a breach of trust? If not, why is sex different than, say, your disagreement on how to balance time with your respective families? If so, that sounds like a great recipe for isolation and control, when you have the other person convinced that seeking support outside the relationship is a violation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

Do you view any discussion of your relationship with a friend to be a breach of trust? If not, why is sex different than, say, your disagreement on how to balance time with your respective families? If so, that sounds like a great recipe for isolation and control, when you have the other person convinced that seeking support outside the relationship is a violation.

+1
I have a friend like this but in hr case her husband doesn't allow her to tell anything outside of family .She is an immigrant and had some legalization problems so he prohibited her to even have girlfriends at that time of their life .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely at the more frequent end for non-newlyweds. Also, I don't think you said anything about kids. Do you have any? What ages? My personal experience (and that of my friends, because we talk about this regularly) has been that sex drops off dramatically after kids and born and when they're very young, but then comes back to varying extents as the kids get older, parents are sleeping better, kids are less physically needy, etc. We've never fallen below once a week barring medical issues (e.g., 6 weeks post-partum, unable due to back injury), but there was definitely a stretch where those once a week sessions were primarily mercy sex I was offering my husband and not something I was really into. Now my sex drive is coming back, we're more like twice a week, and hopefully that will improve further. But it wouldn't surprise me if we max out at three times a week on average.

Sorry should have mentioned. 4 children 4-15.

Not to the poster I quoted but as for being gross for talking about sex with a girlfriend... do you have any girlfriends? That is pretty normal.

I used to talk to my girlfriends about my various boyfriends/dates when I was in college. By the time I was a Junior/Senior I realized what a breach of trust that was for me to be doing that. So I stopped. And no that is not something I brag about now.

Do you view any discussion of your relationship with a friend to be a breach of trust? If not, why is sex different than, say, your disagreement on how to balance time with your respective families? If so, that sounds like a great recipe for isolation and control, when you have the other person convinced that seeking support outside the relationship is a violation.

Huh? How is telling my BFF that my boyfriend's ding dong is this long and we did XYZ last night X amount of times....NOT a breach of trust? I understand how fun it is to giggle and let this stuff slip but it is not a grown up and respectful thing to do. And I decided this well before I ever met my husband.

[Anonymous]

I think sex in marriages is more dysfunctional than it needs to be precisely because people are discouraged from talking about sex generally. The default is for people who are suffering to suffer in silence. Couples often never really learn how to talk about sex with one another. There seems to be social pressure for people to be embarrassed about sex talk.

Anyway, I'm a DH - we have sex every 2 weeks, more or less, and it's less than I'm happy with. I think I'd be happy at more like once a week. And, based on our TTC experience, I think I'd be unhappy with 3-4x/week. We've been married about 15 years. Kids are 10 and 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sex in marriages is more dysfunctional than it needs to be precisely because people are discouraged from talking about sex generally. The default is for people who are suffering to suffer in silence. Couples often never really learn how to talk about sex with one another. There seems to be social pressure for people to be embarrassed about sex talk.

Anyway, I'm a DH - we have sex every 2 weeks, more or less, and it's less than I'm happy with. I think I'd be happy at more like once a week. And, based on our TTC experience, I think I'd be unhappy with 3-4x/week. We've been married about 15 years. Kids are 10 and 11.

Lol. Whining to my BFF about how bad things are or bragging to her about how freakin' ahmazing things are will not help to strengthen my relationship with my BF/Dh. All it does is give someone outside of our relationship intimate details that are quite frankly none of their business.

FWIW, I did not decide to stop sharing these types of details because thing were bad in that dept.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually curious about what the norm is also. I think among my group of friends (mid-late 30's, most with a young kid or two) the average is probably about once a week (some more some less).