Can we talk about married sex - nonexpicitly? What is the actual norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a long debate with a friend last night and I think I am right (of course I am!!)

I am going to talk about my sex life here, so be prepared.

DH and I are married almost 18, together 20 (but didn't have sex until our wedding) - we share some kind of intimacy, I'm defining this as a mutual orgasm but not limited to piv, pretty much every day. Sometimes we miss a day but that is the general idea. He will soon be 51, I am 42, he was my first.

My friend said we are absolute freaks and not close to the norm. She also thought it was a bit gross, haha. I think this is probably true of most married couples, maybe not quite as frequent maybe some more frequently - we haven't had twice in a day in quite a while, but isn't 3 times a week considered healthy? Also isn't it true that the more you "do it" the more you want to do it?

Please don't take offense if you have a medical issue preventing or limiting sex, I am not talking about that, I'm talking about in a long term relationship with two sexually/physically healthy adults.

Also, I know I'm going to get some humblebrags here but its not like you know who I am and can hifive my husband. I really am curious!

If it works for you, it is normal. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. I don't know how you do it. I can't go three days in a row without getting really sore.

[Anonymous]

DW here -age 44. DH is 46. Married 20 years. Three kids, to include two teens.

Sex once a week, although we feel crazy because we had sex 2 nights in a row and decided for fun to try for every single night for a week.

I struggled mightily with PPD after each baby and it took a long, long time to get my mojo back.

I don't share details of my sex life with anyone. The women/other DWs I am friendly with all act like they hate sex and seem uptight...they get together and complain about their husbands. I always tell my Dh that I know that the most repressed and prudish women likely are the freakiest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been together 9 years and it's a daily thing for us, usually PIV as well as other routes. No kids yet.

What is PIV?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been together 9 years and it's a daily thing for us, usually PIV as well as other routes. No kids yet.

What is PIV?

Nevermind, I just figured it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

My husband does and yes, our children are in activities.

But you don't. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

For me, every other night, more or less, is the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

some pele find reasons not to have sex. Some people just find time if it is something that is important to them. Perhaps OP isn't watching Idol at bedtime.

It's not a competition about who is the busiest, not should couples compare how much sex they have vs. others.

As a PP stated, if the couple themselves finds it to be a pleasing amount, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter if you're three times a day, or thrice a year.. If both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy, worrying about what everyone else is doing is silly.

People who have one spouse who doesn't work for pay really can't understand how exhausting two careers can be for a family.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if there is a "normal." We've been together 6 years and have a 1- and 2-year old, and it ranges from twice a week to once every couple weeks. We've gently talked about it and agree we're both pretty exhausted at this stage of life. Over the long term of a relationship, I think things ebb and flow. Periods of depression or exhaustion mean less frequent encounters. For us, it's once a week-ish. Oh, and btw I think it's okay to discuss with a close friend or two. I wouldn't mind if my DH discussed, and I try to live by the golden rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The eagerness of some PPs to shut down this particular conversation is really odd.

No one is shutting down this Anonymous DCUM conversation. I just don't know too many women IRL who would talk specifics like this about their husbands with their girlfriends. I learned not to do that when I was much, MUCH younger. That might be why Op's friend was grossed out...maybe Op was over sharing a bit with this friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The eagerness of some PPs to shut down this particular conversation is really odd.

No one is shutting down this Anonymous DCUM conversation. I just don't know too many women IRL who would talk specifics like this about their husbands with their girlfriends. I learned not to do that when I was much, MUCH younger. That might be why Op's friend was grossed out...maybe Op was over sharing a bit with this friend.

No one is shutting down this conversation, but there are two distinct lines of thought that seem intended to avoid responding in a substantive way -- the "sex is gross" contingent and the "who cares what's normal" contingent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have been together 9 years and it's a daily thing for us, usually PIV as well as other routes. No kids yet.

What is PIV?

Nevermind, I just figured it out.

penis-in-vagina incase someone else doesn't know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

some pele find reasons not to have sex. Some people just find time if it is something that is important to them. Perhaps OP isn't watching Idol at bedtime.

It's not a competition about who is the busiest, not should couples compare how much sex they have vs. others.

As a PP stated, if the couple themselves finds it to be a pleasing amount, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter if you're three times a day, or thrice a year.. If both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy, worrying about what everyone else is doing is silly.

People who have one spouse who doesn't work for pay really can't understand how exhausting two careers can be for a family.

Another advantage to being a sahm/d

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

some pele find reasons not to have sex. Some people just find time if it is something that is important to them. Perhaps OP isn't watching Idol at bedtime.

It's not a competition about who is the busiest, not should couples compare how much sex they have vs. others.

As a PP stated, if the couple themselves finds it to be a pleasing amount, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter if you're three times a day, or thrice a year.. If both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy, worrying about what everyone else is doing is silly.

People who have one spouse who doesn't work for pay really can't understand how exhausting two careers can be for a family.

Another advantage to being a sahm/d

+1 SAHM here. At least every other day. Married 21 years. 3 teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

some pele find reasons not to have sex. Some people just find time if it is something that is important to them. Perhaps OP isn't watching Idol at bedtime.

It's not a competition about who is the busiest, not should couples compare how much sex they have vs. others.

As a PP stated, if the couple themselves finds it to be a pleasing amount, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter if you're three times a day, or thrice a year.. If both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy, worrying about what everyone else is doing is silly.

People who have one spouse who doesn't work for pay really can't understand how exhausting two careers can be for a family.

Another advantage to being a sahm/d

I would guess that having a sahm would lead to higher frequency. I think the female drive vanishes when they get tired. I don't think the same result would occur from a sahd.

+1 SAHM here. At least every other day. Married 21 years. 3 teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? If it works in your relationship to do it once a year or once a day, then it's healthy. How come the OP can't figure that out without an informal internet poll?

This about sums it up.

I think she was asking about if the addage "the more you do it the more you want it" was true, which no one is answering. FWIW, I think this is true

I'm sure for some people that's true and for some it's not. Again, who doesn't already know that different things get different people going?

How about this? I'm in an Open Marriage and whenever my DH is carrying on with another woman, I want to fuck his brains out. Multiple times a day. Because it works for me, it MUST work for everyone else. This is the simple solution for those of you who want to jump start your libido.

OP can share that with her friend.

Wow! Is thst true? If so, how does he keep up with demand?

Yes, this is true. He has a very high drive, as do I.

SAH has nothing to do with it. I work full time and wok out 6 days a week. I'm exhausted, but it doesn't change anything. What will KILL my sex drive is when DH and I argue. That kills it fast.