Can we talk about married sex - nonexpicitly? What is the actual norm?

[Anonymous]

I'm actually curious about what the norm is also. I think among my group of friends (mid-late 30's, most with a young kid or two) the average is probably about once a week (some more some less).

My sense too.

[Anonymous]

Most of our marriage we averaged once a month at most. Since becoming parents last year we've had a total drought. Truth be told, I'd love some sex, just not from my husband. Sigh. All desire for him is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of our marriage we averaged once a month at most. Since becoming parents last year we've had a total drought. Truth be told, I'd love some sex, just not from my husband. Sigh. All desire for him is gone.

Same for me for about the last 6 months. I've taken to daydreaming about my well endowed exbf.

[Anonymous]

Together almost 30 years, now in our late 50s. Sex once or twice a month. I'd bet that's the norm for many women post-menopause. Pre-menopause, it was twice a week or more.

[Anonymous]

Ex-husband and I did it pretty much every day during our seven-year marriage in my 20s. Current spouse of five years does it 5-6 times a YEAR. I have sex 2-3x/week but had to finally step out this year to do it after trying everything else to get husband to increase his desire.

[Anonymous]

Honest question, no judgement.

Those that have sex only once a month or the like, do you feel connected and actively in love with your spouse? I know love isn't all sex, I just think that would be an awfully big anvil hanging in the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'll concede after reading here it must be a lot. I'm curious about the the more you do the more you want thing. That was mostly what the discussion was about. My friend was complaining that he husband wanted sex more often, they have it about every two weeks. She said she doesn't want it more often. I was mentioning to her that if she had sex more often it might switch up her libido and told her how often my DH and I have it.

As for the uptight poster with no girlfriends... okay, I'm immature and breaching my husbands trust. I'll get some therapy for that.

My DH and I have sex 2-3 times a week. We're in our 40s, elementary ages kids.
I also talk to my BFF about sex on occasion. Nothing we chat about very often.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your friend was wrong to shame you. Also, I think it was coming from a place of jealousy. She isn't happy with the amount of sex in her life so she has to make you feel bad about your sex life. Hell, I'm jealous. I wish your frequency was my normal. If it makes you happy, just keep on keeping on.

[Anonymous]

We are about once every 2 weeks. My husband travels for work a lot. We're not even in the same state 50% of the time. Then I work 40 hours per week and we have 3 kids in sports (elementary aged). We're lucky if we go to bed at the same time more than once or twice a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question, no judgement.

Those that have sex only once a month or the like, do you feel connected and actively in love with your spouse? I know love isn't all sex, I just think that would be an awfully big anvil hanging in the room.

Once a monther here. I would say that I love my husband dearly. Am I in love with him? No, not really. He is one of the most important people in my life and I adore him, but not in a romantic passionate way. Will that come back? I'm unsure. But we are excellent domestic collaborators and I'm not sure I'd want to raise children with anyone else. He's an amazing father.

[Anonymous]

Late forties, married 25 years, 4 grown kids - DH and I have sex twice a week. He'd prefer three times a week, and I'd prefer it once a week, so the compromise works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sex in marriages is more dysfunctional than it needs to be precisely because people are discouraged from talking about sex generally. The default is for people who are suffering to suffer in silence. Couples often never really learn how to talk about sex with one another. There seems to be social pressure for people to be embarrassed about sex talk.

Anyway, I'm a DH - we have sex every 2 weeks, more or less, and it's less than I'm happy with. I think I'd be happy at more like once a week. And, based on our TTC experience, I think I'd be unhappy with 3-4x/week. We've been married about 15 years. Kids are 10 and 11.

Take away the "there seems to be". There IS. Most definitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honest question, no judgement.

Those that have sex only once a month or the like, do you feel connected and actively in love with your spouse? I know love isn't all sex, I just think that would be an awfully big anvil hanging in the room.

Once a monther here. I would say that I love my husband dearly. Am I in love with him? No, not really. He is one of the most important people in my life and I adore him, but not in a romantic passionate way. Will that come back? I'm unsure. But we are excellent domestic collaborators and I'm not sure I'd want to raise children with anyone else. He's an amazing father.

This sounds like it could be my DW talking. But, perhaps unlike PP's DH, I feel less inclined to be collaborative the longer we go without sex. I mean, I go ahead and collaborate anyway, because it's my home, my kids, etc. I put aside my emotions and get the job done, but if my DW and I aren't having sex, it's a lot more of an effort. When we haven't had sex, it's more like "I'm busting my ass for this woman." When we have had sex, it's more like, "I'm busting my ass for us." The latter is a work of joy, the former is a work of duty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question, no judgement.

Those that have sex only once a month or the like, do you feel connected and actively in love with your spouse? I know love isn't all sex, I just think that would be an awfully big anvil hanging in the room.

Yep. We live together, work together, have fun together and still have kids in the home. We've had a lot of sex over 30 years, so it feels OK to slow down now. We both have grueling jobs and the energy isn't there like it used to be. I love my husband and am "in" love with him. But neither of us have the hormones we did in our 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you both work 50 hours a week outside the home, plus commute, plus drive kids to activities at night? If not, then you're not the norm in terms of busy DC area lifestyle for your ages so you have more energy to be active with your husband.

some pele find reasons not to have sex. Some people just find time if it is something that is important to them. Perhaps OP isn't watching Idol at bedtime.

It's not a competition about who is the busiest, not should couples compare how much sex they have vs. others.

As a PP stated, if the couple themselves finds it to be a pleasing amount, that's all that is important. It doesn't matter if you're three times a day, or thrice a year.. If both partners are satisfied with the level of intimacy, worrying about what everyone else is doing is silly.

People who have one spouse who doesn't work for pay really can't understand how exhausting two careers can be for a family.

Another advantage to being a sahm/d

It's not worth giving up $250,000 just to have more frequent sex, sorry.