Husband has drinking problem causing MFI, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

It sounds as though Op and her husband aren't on the same page as far as having a baby goes. She is focusing in on his once a week drinking as THE reason they are having problems. But it sounds as though he isn't sure that he wants to have a child which is pretty significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds as though Op and her husband aren't on the same page as far as having a baby goes. She is focusing in on his once a week drinking as THE reason they are having problems. But it sounds as though he isn't sure that he wants to have a child which is pretty significant.

Agreed. Seems like counseling of some sort, even if fertility counseling, might help sort out some of the issues.

[Anonymous]

OP - Did your RE tell him the origin of the MFI was likely drinking? Or only told you? I'm curious, seems like that would have stopped/curtailed the drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, here is a quick update from the OP. After reading your responses, I told my husband that he needs to decide whether he wants to stay with me and stop drinking, or whether he wants to leave and pursue a separate life. He wants to stay, and has vowed to not drink for a year. So that is good. But there was some pushback... he doesn't think he has a problem, he said he's not sure if he even wants kids (not sure if he's serious or if he's just saying this to hurt me), he said that he's staying because it's the obvious adult choice but he feels backed into a corner by the ultimatum. He said he would go to counseling but sounded unhappy about it. I may have made a mistake by giving him an ultimatum but I'm not sure what else I should've done... it seems to me that the only choices are to stay together without drinking, or to split up. This "only drinking on the weekend when the wifey says I can" middle-ground is really not working.

So best case scenario is that he doesn't drink for a year, realizes that he's better off not drinking, and we can go on and have kids after that year is over. Worst case scenario is that he resents me, starts drinking in private, etc.

To the person who asked if we have much to talk about... when we first met 15 years ago we had so much fun, had a ton to talk about, everything was so fresh and new. But at this point we have enough to make it through an hour or two of conversation at night and that's about it. I don't really view it as a problem... we both have pretty boring, technical jobs that aren't fun to talk about, we talk about current events a little bit, but not much else otherwise. I think that may be normal after you've been together for a while, but I'm not really sure.

He sounds like he may also be panicking at the thought of losing his booze and is lashing out (I don't want kids, I'm only staying because I have to, etc.). None of which may be true, but he feels cornered right now and hates you for making him choose between his addiction and the rest of his life. I'm sure he feels very threatened and controlled right now, so take what he says with a grain of salt. Alcohol may be the most important thing to him right now because of his problem...or maybe you really are married to someone who doesn't want kids and is ambivalent about the marriage (or maybe both). It sounds more like the former given your other posts, but treatment (if he'll participate) will let you know. I'm so sorry, OP. Best wishes.

PS - killing a bottle of whiskey in 2-3 days is definitely not in the realm of normal male drinking. Not even close. And a 6-pack of high-proof beer is a LOT of alcohol. He probably thinks beer seems more innocuous, but clearly you know the difference between a few Miller Lites and what he's drinking.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had unexplained infertility and my husband, who drank (and still drinks) a lot had no issues from a sperm count / motility / morphology perspective. Nevertheless, the RE suggested that we both cut down on all alcohol during my IVF cycles as there's some research that suggests that even limited amounts of alcohol can affect chances of success.

And my husband obliged but very grudgingly ... and I still believe he snuck alcohol throughout the cycle and was just dishonest about it. He refused to go to counseling, he denied he had a problem (it was MY problem; I was the one who couldn't get pregnant). He loved the booze more than anything else.

And yes, before infertility I would have said that we had a "wonderful life" together but infertility was a test of our marriage and his commitments - and mine - to getting through the tough stuff. I have to say in retrospect that the way my husband handled it and the lack of support and willingness on his part to back off the sauce for a while should have been a gigantic red flag for the way he'd handle the other tough stuff that came our way down the road. Not surprisingly, he still drinks a ton and is not a terribly engaged parent and cannot deal with even the remotest hardship or sacrifice. He doesn't want to deal with the tough stuff and resents any infringement on his personal time (which, when you have kids, is a daily reality). When the kids are sick, he's AWOL. When he has a tough day at work, he comes home and barricades himself downstairs and drinks. He hates his life. He loves his booze.

Press pause on treatments and baby making for now. Figure out who you're married to - and what you both really want from life. He sounds like he's checking a lot of boxes because they're the "adult choice" and not because he's actually committed to them ... and maybe that's why he drinks a lot - who knows?! But you both need counseling right now. Both of you - you need support.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you all just aren't compatible?

[Anonymous]

OP, I do understand you don't want to leave your husband. However, you're in severe denial about his problem. Just the fact that he is denying he has a problem and saying it is about you is just textbook for an addict who isn't taking responsibility.

This is NOT going to improve with children.

And he is NOT going to get better on his own. I don't think AA is the be-all/end-all answer we're told, I am reposting the link another poster provided earlier:

http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2015/03/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/

AA has not been widely effective on its own, but there are medications that can curb cravings--which your husband is clearly having.

You don't want to leave him, so your ultimatum is going to fail. Please get into counseling, both individual and as a couple. It can force both parties to face issues they will otherwise deny, try to "work-around"--with something as serious as alcohol abuse, nothing but confronting it head-on will work. It is not easy, and only your husband can decide to do the work involved in beating this.

It IS an addiction, make no mistake, when he can't stop until what you have in the house is gone and is begging you for "permission" to buy more when you're out.

[Anonymous]

Having been in your exact position, it was hard for me to hear that baby plans needed to be put on hold. But again, having been in your exact position and now being able to look back, absolutely put the the baby plans on hold. Your husband needs to get his life in order and cut back on the alcohol. Our infertility was likely a result of heavy drinking (low count and low motility)... numbers were so bad we were recommended IVF w/ ICSI. If your husband doesn't acknowledge the severity and impact of his drinking or that a natural pregnancy isn't likely to occur as a result of his drinking, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

Presumably this guy drank once a week before Op married him, right? What has changed is now the Op wants to have a baby and her husband seems less than sure that he wants a child.

They need to focus in on the parenting issue first and what Op expects from her husband as a parent. And, no, Op can not expect that her husband will give up beer just because he is a parent. Nor can Op assume that her husband will love parenting just because he gave up beer.

This is THEIR relationship and they need to come at this 50/50 or I predict that things will go downhill for them in a hurry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He drinks 1-2 nights on the weekend (1 night only lately), a 4 or 6 pack on each occasion (it is fancy high-proof beer, like 8% alcohol). I think that his actual consumption may be in the normal realm of male behavior, but what is troubling to me is that if there is alcohol in the house he will drink it until it's gone. It would be difficult for him to buy a bottle of wine and save it for more than a week. So he's not, like, drinking during the day, getting fired from work, etc. He can go out to dinner with me and not drink so that he drives us both home. But, like someone else said, there seems to be a voice in his head that tells him to "drink drink drink" whenever alcohol is in our house.

,

I have been through this exact situation, but my husband drank every night with hard alcohol mixed in. It took me years to realize what he was doing, because I worked a lot and I could not tell that he was drunk (he hides it very well). It took me about three years to moderate his drinking. I was furious with him. While there was never any evidence of physical dependence, I thought it was inevitable at the rate he was going. Two things helped: intense therapy for OCD, since he loved his drinking rituals, and an emphasis on giving him lots of external cues on how much he was drinking. No hard alcohol, no boxed wine. He can look at a bottle of wine and see that it's half gone, or three empty beer bottles, and know that he's had enough. 90 percent of the time the drinking is only on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in here. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and like yours, was very high functioning. You might not think your children will notice if he's a quiet drunk, but my sister once drew a picture of a party and drew my dad in the corner, drunk and on the floor. When she showed it to him, he asked if this is how she saw him and started crying.

My dad has gone through periods of sobriety and then relapse, but today I'm happy to say he's alcohol-free. He also claimed it was due to boredom, but as it turns out, he has had adult ADD all his life and was never treated for it (he's on meds today). His family doesn't know about this issue, but it's clear they all have issues with drinking themselves, even if not outright alcoholism.

Interestingly enough, my parents had fertility problems that were most likely due to my dad. They didn't run more specific tests to find out, but now I wonder if it could've been caused by his alcoholism. My parents adopted my sister and me and I am grateful not to have the genetic link to alcoholism.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can't control his drinking. That's a harsh truth but that's what you've got. I suggest trying Al-Anon meetings. Even if you do get pregnant, this problem won't go away and Al-Anon can give you support.

+1 This isn't related to boredom. He is an alcoholic, and it will impact your family life once you have a baby. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He drinks 1-2 nights on the weekend (1 night only lately), a 4 or 6 pack on each occasion (it is fancy high-proof beer, like 8% alcohol). I think that his actual consumption may be in the normal realm of male behavior, but what is troubling to me is that if there is alcohol in the house he will drink it until it's gone. It would be difficult for him to buy a bottle of wine and save it for more than a week. So he's not, like, drinking during the day, getting fired from work, etc. He can go out to dinner with me and not drink so that he drives us both home. But, like someone else said, there seems to be a voice in his head that tells him to "drink drink drink" whenever alcohol is in our house.

,

I have been through this exact situation, but my husband drank every night with hard alcohol mixed in. It took me years to realize what he was doing, because I worked a lot and I could not tell that he was drunk (he hides it very well). It took me about three years to moderate his drinking. I was furious with him. While there was never any evidence of physical dependence, I thought it was inevitable at the rate he was going. Two things helped: intense therapy for OCD, since he loved his drinking rituals, and an emphasis on giving him lots of external cues on how much he was drinking. No hard alcohol, no boxed wine. He can look at a bottle of wine and see that it's half gone, or three empty beer bottles, and know that he's had enough. 90 percent of the time the drinking is only on the weekend.

Wow. You did that singlehandedly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Presumably this guy drank once a week before Op married him, right? What has changed is now the Op wants to have a baby and her husband seems less than sure that he wants a child.

They need to focus in on the parenting issue first and what Op expects from her husband as a parent. And, no, Op can not expect that her husband will give up beer just because he is a parent. Nor can Op assume that her husband will love parenting just because he gave up beer.

This is THEIR relationship and they need to come at this 50/50 or I predict that things will go downhill for them in a hurry.

The OP was clear that the drinking has gotten worse as they've gotten older, he drinks to drunkenness, he is unable to stop drinking until all available alcohol is gone, and that he is literally begging her for permission to drink after begins an agreed-upon period of sobriety. I think the parenting issue is secondary to the alcohol problem.

Good luck, OP. I ran with a crowd of binge drinkers for a long time, and it was difficult to tease apart what was normal for us versus problem drinking. But it seems very clear that your husband is wrestling with problem drinking. Hopefully he has not done too much damage to his health and he can address any underlying issues (ADHD and depression are common ones, mentioned earlier).

Good luck, and hugs to you. You sound like a wonderful wife.

[Anonymous]

Why are people saying a guy who drinks one night a week is an alcoholic? I genuinely don't understand that.